THE INFAMOUS

How to fit a 5 year old, a newborn, and 2 old farts into a 2 bedroom apartment w/ no money!

2012-01-30T19:45:00.001-05:00

Step One: try not to lose your mind!!!!

Step Two: Pray to God

Step Three: Look on craigslist.org for everything you need and trust that God will keep you safe from the crazies

--I have been almost obsessive with getting my apartment ready for a newborn. We were (this) close to buying a house, when we pulled out of the deal at the last minute. So we had to have a paradigm shift almost immediately. No more 2600+ sqft home to "grow into." No ma'am. It went straight to "we need to make more space. We need to fit in here. We can do it. It can be done."

Lia's always had the master bedroom of our apartment. And now she and her new sister will share it. I've been looking around in every room to see what is superfluous. What is a want and not a need. Let me just tell you that I found the MOST in the kitchen. The darn panini machine was taking up space where a baby bullet needs to go. The quesadilla maker needs to move over for the bottles. Wine glasses--see ya later! Grill cheese maker--adios!

I encourage everyone to periodically go through his or her house and think to himself, "If I had to fit another person in here, what needs to go to make way for the new?"

It's incredibly overwhelming, but I'm sure that it is not an impossible task. Although my house is a disaster, I'm convinced it is only because it needs to get worse before it gets better.

By the time we say hello to girl # 2, I'm hoping that the home will be organized and clean and livable and spacious.

A Reevaluation

2012-01-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

So there have been a lot of changes in my life recently, and it's been so long since I've blogged that I can't even remember what I've written about--nor do I have time to go back and read! Pathetic! My plan is to just type from the top of my head, and if I've repeated anything, my sincere apologies.

So starting January 1st, I'm back as a Stay at home mom! wowzers. It was actually a huge move considering that the whole reason I started working was because my husband's income couldn't sustain us completely here in NC. He hasn't gotten a raise and yet I'm back at home AND expecting another baby, which inevitably means MORE EXPENSES with no MORE money.

I've debated how good of a move it was to stop working so early--I mean the baby doesn't come until the end of March, for goodness sakes, couldn't I have just held out for a few more months and saved some much needed money?

But after thinking about my family and my daughter, it felt like it was time to stop. It was time to stop concentrating on how much commission I've earned, how much production I have for the month, how far behind we are on the newest promotion, how many Saturdays I'd have to come in to try to catch up, and then the guilt. The terrible guilt I would feel after spending more time with my co-workers than I do my family, and then on the weekends when I'm finally with my family, not wanting to be around them just because I want alone time.

I'm mid-way through week 2 of being back home and so far so good. I've implemented new financial and spending limits on the family to keep us living within our means. (I'll be writing about this in the near future)

This past year and a half, we've been able to pay off all of our debts and have a fully funded emergency fund that could keep us going for 6 months if need be. With the help of God, we've started moving toward the type of financial situation that we dreamed of, but trust me when I say that we are far behind our ultimate goal.

We're looking to buy a house, yet we have no $money$ for a downpayment without spending the money in our emergency fund. BUT keep in mind that I live on the 3rd story of an apartment complex, and I don't know if not taking advantage of this market, is a good idea.

so topics on which i will soon be blogging:

1) Lee's job switch-a-roonie!
2) My budget and new spending endeavors
3) Trying to find a home that fits our budget (which is super small)

Thanks for reading, and keep coming back for some new stuff!

Quotes of Late

2011-12-02T20:07:00.001-05:00

Lia: It's glittering.... (she meant drizzling)

Lia and Lee are playing with the marble run. Lee keeps stealing lia's marbles, and she keeps laughing and saying stop, when Lia lets a fart rip in Lee's face...
Lee: Pedito en la carita. (Fart in the face) That's a good way to stop me, baby.

Desperate

2011-11-29T12:12:00.001-05:00

So many things are flailing all around me,
While requirements and goals and competition and expectations
are strung around my neck.
And when the end to my struggles drew near,
My noose was loosened
And wrapped around you instead.

And I'm left with less hope than when I started.
If only I could take it all back,
and be the one still hanging.
Relieve your pressure
Your mounting pressure.
The overwhelming stress
That is building within your life.
And replace it with the peace you once knew
I'd gladly tie it on myself.

First Day

2011-11-28T20:56:00.001-05:00

My husband had his first day at his new job today, and I swear I was probably a more nervous wreck than he was!

It's crazy. I was acting as if it was his first day at school thinking "I hope the others are nice to him. I hope that he fits in. I hope he has fun. I hope he's happy."

So when he comes home and slaps on a fake smile and says "it was alright..." my heart sank. I know it's never perfect on your first day, but I was praying that it would be perfect for him. No need to adjust because he fits right in...

Not the case. And my hormonal, emotional self just started to cry. I cried most of the evening just wishing things would have gone better! In all honesty, my husband's happiness, comfort, and well-being both emotionally and physically are the more important things to me.

If he came home and said that he discovered his new calling and that is to be the fries specialist at McDonald's I would support him.

Where to start

2011-11-24T20:12:00.001-05:00

Lia is 5 now.

I cooked a 20 lbs turkey today

I'm debating whether I should hit black friday sales for the first time in my life!

I'm praying that I can write 7 more auto in order to collect my paycheck at work.

I'm stressed for my husband who recently decided to change jobs.

We're looking at homes with a realtor.

Oh and did I mention....

I'm having a girl in March!

Life has been running away from me recently, and it's time to start slowing down. if not on the outside, then definitely on the inside.

I've just allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where there are no words to express anything anymore.

There is no thankfulness. There is no peace. There is no lucidity.

I feel insecure, unsettled and stressed.

I need to take charge again.

Who me?

2011-09-22T22:16:00.005-04:00

Nobody's perfect.--cliche of the century right? As a society we can excuse the most horrible of personality traits by rationalizing that really "no one's perfect."

The funny thing about it is that TRULY no one is perfect. As Christians we are no more flawless than non-christians. We struggle with the same temptations, vices, flaws, genetic dispositions, etc that everyone else has, yet we are called to hold ourselves at a higher standard.

Absolutely understandable and just. Don't you agree?

Ugh there's nothing worse than a judgmental Christian or an angry Christian or an ugly (in personality not looks) Christian, right!?!? Aren't they the ones that "ruin it for the rest of us." They yell "Gays are going to HELL!" and other horrendous, judgmental, mean things that are so unchristian-like it takes your breath away. Or a Christian who beats his wife. Or a Christian who molests. Or a Christian who steals... Hypocrites--ey?

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." [1 Timothy 1:15-16]

And then there are those Christians that have never done a truly sinful thing in their whole lives. They said a cuss word once upon a time, or kissed a guy under the bleachers in the 10th grade, but really delving into the darkest parts of their human nature, they have never tread. Don't we look at those and say "What the hell do you know of my struggles?" Oh yeah?! What do you know about hitting rock bottom? What do you know of conquering addiction? What have you ever experienced that you can understand/relate/empathize with me other than your observations of other sinful people?!

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What about the rest of us? The been-there/done-that crowd. Searching for the Kingdom. Searching for strength that all these people write about and yet we've never felt. Searching to be a leader and a beacon and an example, while struggling to stay afloat. Praying to be a better spouse, better parent, better Christian, better person, while stumbling our ways to salvation. The moderates. The luke warm?
If we struggle with sin but are trying, does that mean we are in any way qualified to lead? If we stumble and trip our ways through life but dust off our skirts and keep walking forward, does that at all make us role models? Where do we fit in?

Psalm 103:8-14(NIV)

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.

Is blood truly thicker than water?

2011-09-18T08:55:00.002-04:00

I think certain types of "blood" are: your mom and dad, your sister and brother, your husband or wife, your child.

Had you asked me 2+ years ago that list would have been so much longer, but now.... I don't agree.

I think Some blood is thicker than water. Maybe it's just my family. Maybe I'm the one to blame, but really when I sit and think about the way some of my family has neglected, abandoned, slandered, and avoided me, I've given up on thinking that you can rely on anyone but those that either birthed you, were birthed by the same people as you or helped you birth someone else.

Can't believe it's that time again

2011-09-06T22:37:00.003-04:00

In 4 weeks or so my daughter turns another year older, and there has been so much going on that I barely remembered that I AM responsible for planning the party and sending the invites, and deciding the budget, and the menu, and the guest list, and the location, and the list goes on....

As a party planner I have to say that while I'm not Martha Stewart or anything, I do enjoy throwing a successful party. Last year I planned my butt off, and I don't think it was that successful. Thank goodness Lia was only 4 and didn't realize that everyone showed up an hour late and we only had 15 minutes to eat and sing happy birthday before the "nice" museum people kicked us out of the room.

I had never had such a nerve-racking, disappointing, but then redeeming party experience in my life. I was literally heartbroken for an entire hour thinking no one was going to show up, and then EVERYONE did, just really late.

I really don't want that to happen again. It makes me apprehensive spending money on reserving a location like I did last year, because while the museum play time was really fun, I could have just bought everyone tickets and paid less money than I did for a room we barely used.

So what do I do? I live in an apartment so theres no yard. I could do it at a park, but I'm so nervous that it'll rain or something equally as terrible. I could reserve a place like a jump house, but I don' t want a repeat of last year. The thought really stresses me out.

I've seen so many awesome parties on blogs that I follow and usually I'm great at these kinds of things, but I've become gun shy.

I need some ideas.

HELP!

Streaming

2011-09-03T07:52:00.000-04:00

Cascading tears,

Daily cries

In constant heart break.

I feel

Intensely.

My soul cries out to you, O God.

My body thrashes in agony, Dear Lord.

Prayers.

How many more prayers would it take?

How many more pleas of mercy do you need?

Father, I will give you all and more

To relieve your poor servant's pain.

Peace

Super natural healing

Relief

Purification

You, O Lord, hold the power.

To you, O Lord I lift my voice to praise

For your endless grace upon my life,

But Oh Lord, the pain I feel from afar

Consumes me.

Painful visions.

Painful realities

That are not my own.

But I hold on to the truths that I've learned.

I hold on to the knowledge of your wisdom.

I hold on to the experience of your forgiveness.

I hold on to the hope of redemption.

I need to trust in you more.

I need to release this sadness and embrace the happiness

Of the good you've brought about in a poor child's suffering.

Hold on to the lives he's changed and transformed, including my own.

Slowly I feel myself melting.

Hopefully releasing the control and boundaries I've made for myself,

and instead joining in your infinite existence.

I lift him up to you with joyfulness.

He who deserves paradise more than most.

He who will be made whole in your loving embrace.

Made me Laugh--

2011-09-03T07:44:00.001-04:00

!!!!You'll have to excuse the profanity!!!!! If you can see past his potty mouth, he may just make you smile. As a Catholic, this really cracked me up. If you grew up Catholic or went to Catholic school, some parts of this are brilliant.

Enjoy:

One Flesh

2011-09-02T22:07:00.000-04:00

It's that one flesh principal
That we are called to,
That submissive role
That I'm expected to honor.
Being that right-hand man
or Woman, in this case,
That always trips me up.
Would things really get better
If I acted like
You are always right?
Would life get smoother
If I acted like
Yours are the best ideas?
Would things get easier
If I acted like
Father knows best?
Would I get happier
If I surrendered all of my will
To yours?
Is that supposed to be my prayer?
Lord, teach me how to let him think for me?
I struggle, my friends.
I struggle with being a daughter of Eve.
I struggle with knowing what I'm called to do
And what I need to do,
And what I want to do,
And what feels right to do,
And what I actually do,
And the results of those actions,
And the results of my inactions.

I see the world through broken glass.

2011-08-20T23:07:00.001-04:00

I remember its once perfect curve.
The dull shine of the mid morning sun.
The crisp, clean looking-glass visions.
And then
Small chips appeared in the smooth surface.
Barely noticeable chips.
All due to small traumas.
And because I neglected these injuries
The glass became susceptible.
And when a bit of heat was applied
It cracked.
Long noticeable cracks on the surface.
Making my already defected glass
Obvious for all to see.
Then as I adjusted to this blemish....
And behaved as if it didn't matter
The cold came.
And more fractures
And longer scars across the surface of my glass
So that today
I see the world through broken glass.
And when the sun hits it just right
It sends sharp bright shards of light into my eyes
Blinding me as I attempt to safely make it home.
I see the world through broken glass,
And have yet decided if it's worth the investment.
Worth the time
Worth the effort
To fix it.

I know it is not enough

2011-08-19T00:14:00.000-04:00

There has to be more I can do.

I want prepare my daughter for school and help her become brilliant--while being too tired to think and too stressed from my day that I barely have an ounce of patience.

What do I do? Sometimes I think that my job costs me more than it provides.

But if i stop dreaming and start thinking objectively.... will I have been able to provide Lia with more? Would my house really be cleaner? Would Lia be able to count to 20 by now?

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have taken that time for granted. Or just become more selfish and want more independence.

Knowing me---it would have been a little bit of both.

I think this year I've spent working has shown me how precious Lia is. And how the time I spend with her are treasures.

Maybe I'll be a better mother now because I want to be so badly--because being away from her and wanting her to have so much more has shown me how much I've dropped the ball.

They say its all about the quality time--not the quantity of time... that is what i need to work on. Quality. I find that I being so impatient and tired affects my quality.

I need to be better.

I need to be more patient.
More calm.
More consistent.
More attentive.

More...

Tears for Tripp

2011-07-23T15:17:00.003-04:00

So I have cried more in the past 2 days than I think I've ever cried before.

If you're a regular to my blog, I'm sure you've noticed the new button on the right sidebar. Well as a warning *Do Not Click* if you are faint of heart. The pictures and the story of this blog have literally torn my heart out. My soul is aching for this child of God, Tripp.

They are from my home state of Louisiana--on the north shore, close to my home town of New Orleans.

He has a rare skin disease, EB, that makes his skin blister and peel off. It is very painful--excruciatingly so. And he's only 2 years old! He battles daily with the pain, infections, fevers, a trach, feeding tube, blindness (caused by his EB), and so many other ailments that are more than anyone deserves or should have to endure, much less a precious child.

AND HIS MOTHER--my goodness. Talk about a Saint. She is devoted to this child like non other, my friends. Her love, her patience, his strength, and their story have inspired me to be a better mother.

She shows that we are capable of so much love, and I'm not sure I've been tapping into my entire capacity to love to the fullest. If you want to read their story click here, but if this post is enough for you to imagine their struggle, just send prayers.

Endless prayers. God sized prayers. Make the sun stand still for this Child. Make his pain go away, Dear Lord. Help his mother! Give her strength. And finally Lord, please never let me forget how fortunate I am. You have bestowed more grace upon us than could be imagined. Thank you, Father God, for my healthy family. Thank you Lord for Tripp.

CHEAPSKATE!

2011-07-21T19:00:00.001-04:00

So I've been on this major life altering journey to save money. Several months back I completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and it really did open my eyes to how terribly I had managed our household.

While my husband is the "main bread-winner," I am the one who pays the bills, makes household purchases, and manages our accounts.

So if we are in the red---it is MY fault. My husband earns the money, and I spend it.

This is terrifying to all those single men out there!! Probably their worst nightmare, "If I get married, she is going to spend ALL OF MY MONEY!"

And during the first few years of our marriage, that was exactly what happened.

I was 20 years old when I got married, and was a mother, and the lady of the household, and the manager of the funds, and the acquirer of a shiny debt card, and I WENT AT IT! lemme just tell ya'.

Anyways, once we moved to NC from LA our funds were definitely at an all time low. So low that I had to get my own job after nearly 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom. God really provided for us during this time and delivered me a job in less than a week! Praise God for his faithfulness, y'all!

Well since then I've been trying to be a better steward of the money we do have. And I truly feel like I'm getting better. Some months I have my set backs (like this month for example)--when I've over spent, under budgeted, and basically lost my marbles when it comes to financial responsibility.

But I've been reading this book called "The Cheapest Family in America," and it has rejuvenated my desire to succeed with money.

These people are EXTREME when it comes to how little they spend, and while I don't want to go to that level, I do feel like I could do better. WAY better. On average I spend about $650 on groceries a month for 3 people-2 adults and a 4 yr old! that's insane!!!! But it's much better than the over 900$ that I was spending just a few short months ago!

Well 2.5 weeks into July, I found myself severely over budget. Trust me I was distraught! but I have to say that I'm proud of myself because the moment I noticed we were in trouble, I buckled down. My bi-weekly visits to the grocery store disappeared. And I can't tell you how incredibly resourceful I have become with the food in my home.

If you know me, you know that I love to cook and am constantly cooking some new delicious dish. This passion to cook new meals sends me to the store pretty often, but I've had to make due with what's in my pantry and you'll never believe it??!! we're still alive. No one has starved. In fact, it has made me a better cook and more responsible woman. I've exercised way more self control, and I have learned how to be more resourceful with what I do have. I'm coming to realize how excessive my grocery shopping was now that I've not gone in 2 weeks and am still making due!

Quotes of Late

2011-07-10T08:01:00.000-04:00

Lia: "Daddy has the Jingles. If I touch them I can get the chicken pops."

Amy after watching me do a goofy dance in the office: "Was that the Walgreens Shuffle?"

Graham after I told him how embarrassed I was that my shirt was unbuttoned and my chest was hanging out in front of a client. "Oh I saw that."
Jillien: "WHAT! Why didn't you say something?!??!"
Graham: "I thought that was your style."

Kelly: "Little sister I never wanted, I do listen to you when you say something."

VB: "They must be trippin' if they think I'm going to mail that!"

You cannot argue me into someone's heart....

2011-06-27T18:38:00.004-04:00

Lord,
You commanded us to love:
Our enemies
You commanded us to honor:
Our fathers and mothers,
Our wives and husbands,
Our spiritual leaders,
And even...
Our political leaders.
As a pastor I knew once said,
Respect is earned,
But Honor is given.
The End.
It was commanded by the LORD.
And we have to trust that Your commands and laws, Father God,
Were established FOR us
Through your unfailing love.
We have to trust
That following your laws
Will lead us
To GREATER happiness
Than we would have ever imagined possible.
More happiness than the results of our own actions would have yielded.
And trust,
There are times when your laws go against my
Feelings.
There are times when I don't feel like following Your laws.
In those times,
I need to surrender to Your infinite wisdom.
I need to understand,
That my life is but a speck on Your timeline, Father.
That You are a circle drawn around my timeline.
All around.
Past
Present and
Future
That what I want,
What I do,
What I say,
Affects
Time itself--
The world in its entirety.
I have to realize
You have a greater purpose.
You have the Blueprints of the Kingdom.
You are the architect of Paradise.
And all I need to do is follow Your plan.
So I pray this evening,
For strength.
Strength to follow Your commands.
To not lead myself astray-- so incredibly far from Your laws
That my life is a constant battle.
That in my desperation to obtain my own desires
I fall on my own sword.

my house is so dirty

2011-06-22T18:54:00.002-04:00

These are some of my common sayings when trying to convince people of the level of dirt in my home....

My house is so dirty... if you walked in it right now you would call child protective services on me.

My house is so dirty... you could catch the ebola virus.

My house is so dirty... i have to clean it before I can start cleaning it.

-------------------

anyway, my mother in law is spending a couple of weeks with us starting this Sunday, and while I'm so excited to have family here, the amount of cleaning, organizing, purging, etc I have to do is slightly overwhelming.

Honestly it took me Saturday AND Sunday to clean my daughter's room and closet. NO JOKE. 2 days of intense focus.

That is ridiculous!

It is partly due to being dirt and trash hoarders, I believe. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no where near those crazy people on tv, but who keeps dried up markers? broken crayons? empty bubble wands? Every McDonald happy meal toy since 2006???WHO DOES THAT?! ME that's who.

So imagine a version of that in each and every room.

That's what I'm dealing with right now.

Wish me luck.

My Joy Haiku

2011-06-22T08:17:00.000-04:00

Just seeing your face

Is all I need to feel joy.

Your smile warms my heart.

And when you're not here,

I think of you constantly

While passing the time.

'Til you're here again,

My soul reaches out for you

My mind does not rest.

Then I hold you close.

I remember how precious

And joyous you are.

I dream alone

2011-06-08T20:52:00.001-04:00

Not even you
Believe in me.
My biggest fan
Yet to be discovered.
And why should you?
Believe, I mean.
I dream alone.
I push alone--
I always have.
And through it all
I've been on top alone.
And my words
And my voice
And my thoughts
And my spirit
Get me through.
Not you.

Because you asked

2011-06-05T22:06:00.000-04:00

I sat there and wrote
Because you asked.
And you spoke while I listened
Because you asked.
I sang and you heard
And I failed
While you laughed.

Again and again
In front of familiar strangers.
I stand.
I open my mouth and fumble--
Why?
Because you asked.
Trust me I'm humbled
And each time it gets harder
But I slap on a smile
Walk up once again
All because you asked.

Delve

Spontaneity

2011-05-18T07:40:00.000-04:00

my impulse to write
makes me incredibly late
But it is worth it.

I tap my fingers
to the 5 7 5 beat
and scribble it down.

Then glance at the time.
I've not a minute to waste
Leave now or get axed.

Palabra

2011-05-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

They come to me you know. All at once. Like a vision. Like a picture of their meaning. And I pick from space and man-made eras, which would be the best to convey the pain and the anger and the betrayal and the peace and the glory and the visions and the visions and the visions never cease. Then. They. Hide. from me. They slip through my grasp. They elude me. They mock me from beyond the real. They melt away. And all I'm left with are the confusion and the anger and the trepidation and the insecurity and the guilt and the sin and no real way to convey the visions, always, there are visions... I hear the silence in my mind. I feel it in my core. When there is no escape. But I wait. I wait longer than others have the patience to wait for me. They grow tired of the anticipation. They grow resentful. And they leave. But like a faithful friend, my words come back to me. My words feel me reaching out for them. And with the gentlest of embraces, I press my cautious lips together and utter, my words.

Nothing to Say and Nowhere to Go

2011-05-15T21:43:00.000-04:00

I'm struggling.

With no clear vision of what to say,

I'm left wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Not a writer of insta-prose,

My stanzas could use

A tad of inspiration

A tad of flare

A tad of direction

To God knows where.

And tippity tap

I rap

Tonight.

With no clear vision of what to say

Sitting here

Wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Oh Oscar, how well you know me

2011-05-08T20:12:00.000-04:00

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

Oscar Wilde

Dusk

2011-05-07T22:00:00.002-04:00

The soft, blue-gray light,
The dappled light streaming through horizontal blinds
The imperfect light of which doth shine
Upon my book and unread lines.

Delve

Update: Church Picnic

2011-05-07T08:41:00.000-04:00

It went wonderfully! Everyone was so into the kickball game, and I think when everyone participating is really into winning it makes it that much more fun. Some of the funniest most amazing moments I've ever encountered happened during the kickball game.

Power slides to first base. Kicks that were to the stratosphere. Aerial feats of wonder in order get the out.

Amazing day.

As of late....

2011-04-30T17:29:00.000-04:00

I've read the Hunger Games trilogy:

It's a drama, thriller, horror, sci-fi action super series. I really loved it, but you have to have nerves of steel to get through it. Several times it got so difficult to withstand that I thought about shelving the books.

Also, for about 2 weeks I have been organizing a picnic for my church. But not just any church picnic, but I wanted an ultimate picnic/tournament event. What's on the agenda? Well kickball, ultimate frisbee, and soccer to start!! Don't believe me??

So its on for tomorrow. But if you can only imagine. This church picnic took more planning than all of my other events combined. Starting with getting the business liability policy to incorporate the city of durham, to choosing one park out of dozens that is not in a Bad! area. I mean barbed wire, missing swings bad. To obtaining 2 separate permits from Durham parks and recreations and the Durham Police department. To learning the rules of kickball which turned out to be a 12 page downloadable pdf file filled with diagrams and models.

But call me crazy.... I love that stuff!!! I can't get enough of throwing a good party. Hopefully this picnic is a success and not a huge flop. I'll be totally heart broken. But knowing how awesome my congregation is, they will make a good time out of anything. Big props to God for the awesome weather we're to have all this weekend.

Sensational Haiku Wednesday

2011-04-27T07:59:00.003-04:00

Theme: Freestyle

The subtle thumpings

are the left behind rain drops

searching for their friends.

Kamikaze rain,

free falling from extreme heights,

hoping to connect.

I sit and listen

alone-- this cool spring morning,

Relishing the sound.

But deep within me

A war wages on as well

As I too free fall.

delve

It's not mine--A Not-Me Tuesday event

2011-04-26T22:28:00.001-04:00

A long time ago I used to participate in a meme called "Not Me Monday" and it was a way to confess things in your daily life that you didn't do,would never think of ever doing, and/or wouldn't be caught dead doing! *cough* It was hosted by MckMama and since I'm not sure that she does it anymore, I felt compelled to write one tonight on this reminiscent Tuesday.

************

I keep such a clean home that it would be appalling to think that my house could be so dirty that when my neighbor knocked on the door to let us know that he had taken our trash to the dumpster for us, that we'd duck behind a wall and wait for him to go away so we wouldn't have to open the door and let him see our filth. We would NEVER do something like that. Our home is so pristine you can come at any moment of the day and it would look straight out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine!! (NOT)

Also because I always clean up after myself... there is NO WAY that after I cut Lia's hair in the bathroom, I would just leave the hair all over the place and not pick it up. So of course when Lee went to brush his teeth, his toothbrush was NOT at all covered with hair!!!! That would be gross and totally out of character for me!

So there you have it. Very clear examples of how we always have it very well put together.

You never should have known

2011-04-23T16:05:00.002-04:00

It was a mistake,
I say,
Telling you.
Then I add,
At least before your pride was in tact.
You had hope.
You had an inkling of respect.
Now it's all shattered.
You should have never known.

Delve

I think its kind of funny...

2011-04-21T08:24:00.000-04:00

how incredibly anti-Catholic some people can be. Even whole churches can have a "we're the complete opposite of the catholic church" mentality. And while a lot of people do drift away from the Church and into some other church, I find it interesting how little details of Catholicism seep in: advent, lent, Church year calendar, some other dogmatic or theological principals.

Most people know I spent a lifetime studying in Catholic schools from 2nd grade through graduating college. And like most of my compatriots, I rebelled. I lashed out against the Church. I did my best to poke holes and slander. Then I studied under a professor named Dr. Christopher Baglow, and it revolutionized not only my faith but my entire life! He taught my Christology and Ecclesiology courses, and I read his book on Faith and Science. (these just a few of the many faith-based classes I took, of course.)

And now this is how I feel. We as Christians should be living as to glorify the Lord so that non-believers will see Christ working in us and through us. We should be focusing on spreading the Word to those who are starving for grace. Not bashing other Christians because we think their mass is boring. Not passing judgment on an entire group of fellow Christians.

In college, there was a group of young people, all theology majors, who would congregate everywhere they went. They would laugh, and play games, and chat, play music, just normal and happy. And let me tell you, it was evident that they were saturated in the Spirit. And most of them were planning on entering the religious life vocation. In my angry sinful days, I would look to them with envy--wanting whatever it was they had. I found it later, but it was active faith in the Lord and the peace and joy that comes with knowing that the world and all within is in His capable hands.

Now find a church that works for you-- one that helps spread the kingdom of God, but let's keep other branches of the same tree unscathed. Most of what I learned with regard to theological principles, I learned through formal Catholic education, and I'm proud of it. and I love it.

How can someone not enjoy reading

2011-04-16T18:14:00.001-04:00

there are no commercials. No breaks until your lids are so heavy that you can barely make out the words. The endless worlds. The endless romances or adventures. There are tears and pain and joy and hope. Messages and lessons. The images I see when reading are so much more vivid and lasting than those on a tv screen, where someone dictates how my protagonist looks. Let my mind work. Trust me it is very capable.

Memorare

2011-04-12T00:40:00.001-04:00

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.

I'm in need of a miracle tonight.

Transport

2011-04-08T12:21:00.002-04:00

I closed my eyes
And thought of your words,
And you brought me there--
Exactly where I wanted to be.
And I was someone else.
Somewhere far away.
Doing things I'd never done
With people I'd never met--
Feeling free.
Then some subtle noise,
And Im back
Here.

delve

When there's so much left to say

2011-04-08T12:15:00.001-04:00

There's so much left to say,
But not enough energy to stave the day
Or not knowing the proper way
To get it all but leave guilt at bay.

delve

One Act One Scene Play: The Tear

2011-04-04T22:10:00.001-04:00

[Lights are dimmed. It is bed time. and on stage are a mother and daughter --4 year old. The mother has been trying to help her daughter fall asleep on her own...]

Mother [leans over and kisses daughter on forehead]: go to sleep baby. I love you.

Daughter: Ok mommy. [rolls over]

[Lights brighten. Day time]

Mother: Lia! I'm so proud of you!! You fell asleep all by yourself last night.

Daughter [immediately schools her expression to one of an injured puppy]: Yes, but I had tears in my eyes.

The end.

And NO THIS IS NOT A SAD STORY. This is a story of my drama princess daughter. The world's a stage for her!

Seasonally Depressed

2011-04-01T12:19:00.001-04:00

I'm starting to think that the stark North Carolina weather gave me seasonal depression... You may be thinking What in the WORLD!>!>!>??? With which I would respond to your thought with a big Hell Yes I was depressed.

How could that happen in NC where it's supposedly the "south?" Well evidently here in NC the winter starts in October and ends in the unforeseeable future!!!!!!! And coming from Southern Louisiana where the seemingly endless summer monopolizes our other seasons, where its bombardment even surfaces in the little cool weather that we do receive in January through early March, I believe my body was shocked and it spiraled down toward the oh-so-true (which i had thought was an urban legend/joke type of situation) seasonal depression! haha!

Unbelievable.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm finally cured. I spent 5 glorious days with the people I love most in the world in the 80 degree sunny weather of New Orleans, LA. And laughed until I almost peed on myself. Ate until I started to feel like a glutton---just happy again.

And I was wondering where did this feeling go? Did all of my jubilance stay in New Orleans, and did I only take contentment back with me to NC? Don't get me wrong... what more can one ask for than contentment? What more does a mere human deserve in this world? But it just brought me to a place of passion, excitement, hilarity, music, beignets, crazy balloon twisters in the streets, Catholics that don't go to church, hurricanes, sun, ferries, street cars, my late grandmother, my youth, my loves, my friends, concerts, mini-skirts, platform shoes, all girl catholic high schools...................

I'm back in NC, and enjoying the peace of being back in my home. Happy that it's finally Friday. Wishing my family and friends were here with me. Slightly envious of others with plenty of friends and things to do. But here in Raleigh I read. I read and sing. I read and sing and try more than I did back in New Orleans to be a good wife and mother. With the distractions gone. I sit. I think. I go back and forth from reading the bible to reading terrible romance novels....
(I'll have to account for that in Heaven, for sure).

Winded

2011-03-06T17:18:00.002-05:00

The wind
The roaring wind
An oceanic wind outside my window.
Bending limbs with its might--
Attacking the buds of infant flowers.
It's true, dearest tempest,
That I love thee.

Delve

I spoke

2011-02-28T19:44:00.000-05:00

What it was I couldn't even begin to tell you, but when I say that I didn't want to talk--I'm being sincere. Not this flaky, "I don't wanna talk about it" kind of thing, but of the most basic conversational level. I had nothing to say. Every word of mine in response to someone else was scrutinized with such intensity that I would let it just evaporate into nothingness--- simply not reply. My usual social butterfly self has been a recluse and a mute as of late.

But something happened last night--I spoke. for 2 hours. to my friend. and I needed it.

And although I don't feel at 100%, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to realize how rude I may have been behaving toward my friends. And they deserve my replies....

Let me just say how incredibly RUDE I think it is to send someone an email or leave him/her a voicemail to not receive a single acknowledgment that it was even read or heard. I do NOT want to be that person, but I found myself slipping into that just out of indifference.

No more. I cannot allow myself to be that type of person, and I have been to so many. Texts never answered, emails never replied, calls never returned. I hope my friends will forgive me for my silence.

*****I wrote this about two weeks ago, and the fact that I'm just now publishing it goes to show how recluse I've become************

My last shot

2011-02-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

This is my last chance to speak in February, and I would hate to let the day go by.

Microfiction Monday

2011-01-30T21:27:00.001-05:00

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

"See what I mean, Cap'n Ahab?"

"Not sure I understand what I'm looking at, old Starbuck, but you think

this is how the fish got so white?"

hosted by Stony River

Solace

2011-01-30T21:18:00.003-05:00

My God,
I sit tonight
As I write,
But in my soul
I kneel--
I bow down
and beg
For peace.

Is it a sign, Lord?
A sign that things are
Only skin deep.

Even the songs on the radio
Are wrong--
All pointing downward
Backward
And around.

Of course the valleys are there
To bring us to yet another mountain,
But all my mountains must be
Valleys in your eyes....
Are all your mountains valleys in mine?

delve

My lunch Hour

2011-01-26T12:18:00.000-05:00

[I currently have 8 minutes to finish this post and get on the road to make it to work by 12:30---to continue my day until who knows what time tonight---to bring home the bacon, etc]

I've been a working mother now 7 months. I eat less vegetables.

I spend more time with my co-workers than with anyone else, including my daughter and husband.

I feel more comfortable in our finances, and feel happiness with the fact that financially we're not in a hole (anymore).

I have 1 hour to eat.

I don't work out at the gym. Nothing. No exercise except for the 50 squats I secretly do when I wake up or if I skip the morning, before I go to sleep. These 50 squats do nothing but help me pretend like my butt isn't sagging from endless hours of sitting at a desk.

I try to write.

I try to think.

I try to read.

I try to be patient with my family.

I try to be a better woman.

I sometimes do not succeed, and sometimes I do.

JM

Out With It

2011-01-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

I know I must have missed this
Had I been thinking about it at all,
That is.

I probably have been yearning for this
Had I just remembered I loved it so much,
Or even a little.

I should have tried to recapture this
Had I attempted to grasp anything of my past,
Or of my present.

------------------------------------------------------------

Determined

2011-01-09T07:59:00.000-05:00

The clock is ticking down the seconds--
Throwing them in with the rest--
Eternal waste basket of used time.

My mind is focused on being calm,
Although each tick is like a powerful
drum controlling the rhythm of my heart.

I will myself patience and confidence.
I attempt double-think--trying to trick myself
That I can do this and while not probable, definitely possible.

JM

One Act One Scene Play: The Toot

2011-01-05T19:54:00.002-05:00

[Father and daughter sitting together while eating dinner]

FART!

Daughter: I don't know what that sound was daddy. I think it was either a butterfly or a dragon.

The end.

Another Saturday night

2011-01-01T21:24:00.003-05:00

Tonight is another saturday night at home. No friends hanging out at the crib. No phone calls. No laughing. No shopping buddies. No karaoke. No movies and arbor mist. No "lets get our nails did." No "is there a good concert tonight?" No "lets go down town" No "geezum I'm so hungry. What do you wanna eat after church tomorrow?"

Nothing. Just me and the computer and wondering if God will send me a soul-mate friend.

I don't often bring it up, but I miss my friend Bueno so much on nights like this. I'm really starting to realize how she must have felt when she moved to BR without really knowing anyone. The loneliness and isolation. She was so brave to have stuck it out on her own.

I hope that I can be as brave because right now I'm not feeling very strong.

I know this sounds terrible, but I've never been Jillien the wife and mother. I've always been Jillien who happens to also be a wife and mother. I miss just being myself sometimes. I feel consumed with responsibility and no outlet to just be ME. There are some women who are so amalgamated with their womanly roles that they feel totally complete in them, but me without friends or at least someone to share with is becoming overwhelming.

While I knew that coming here was going to bring me closer to my family because we were to rely on each other so much more than ever before, I never could have imagined how suffocating it would feel after a while.

I love my daughter and husband with all of my heart and hope that this is just a fleeting emotion. Just a little hurtle in a long stretch of contentment. That God will put me in the right place at the right time and help me to connect.

One Act One Scene Play (its been a while since I've done one of these)

2010-12-24T09:48:00.002-05:00

[Wife and Husband at home. Two rooms on stage separated by a partition. Stage left is a bedroom where Wife is laying reading a book. Stage right is a living room where Husband is watching tv.]

Wife: Husband, Can you come in here for a moment??

[Husband gets up from couch and walks toward stage left to the room. He hangs between center stage for a moment just looking in the room. Wife is reading yet another romance novel. The hunky half-nude man on the cover is the DEAD-GIVEAWAY of this.]

Husband: Ugh, I hate when you read those books.... you fantasize about me too much afterward.

[Wife cracks up laughing with its absurdity.]

The end.

drama

Just a passing thought

2010-12-18T01:21:00.002-05:00

On nights like this
When sleep eludes me,
When rest scoffs at me,
When peace seeps away
Like a fading mist,
I think of you.

I think of the past
And made-up futures--
Futures so crisp
Yet so impossible
Its hard to breathe;
All this--when I think of you.

I wonder where it all went wrong
And try to convince myself
That it all turned out right.
Then try to smile when I look around
And try to not cry cuz I can't get out
When I think of you.

I think of my racing heart
And my sweaty hands
And my blubbering words
And my expectant glances
With your cool responses
And detached expressions

I think of my mistakes
Of my too-few right decisions
Of my steps away
And of my fumbles toward
Of my willingness to return
But my need to be good.

I think of where I am now
And where I'll be
And where I was
And who I'll see
When I go back
Or if I'll ever go back...

Delve

2 COR 12 5-10

2010-11-28T19:54:00.000-05:00

A year ago I visited this verse. And I sit here tonight thinking about it again. but this time I'm focusing on just the first bit:

⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say,

I honestly feel like I've adopted this into my life, and I really do try to only boast about my weaknesses--even to the point of being slightly self-deprecating. But I've run across a couple of people in my life who enjoy patronizing... who enjoy making "fun"... who enjoy feeling like they got it right, and to tell you the truth it is TICKING ME OFF.

If I were to run my mouth about myself or my family, I would be no fool and could run it for a while without exaggerating the truth one bit, and when faced with these types of people it almost pushes me to do so.

Ever meet someone or a couple of someones who always have the snappy remark or the rolling of the eyes or the facetious "Yeeaaahh ooookaaay...."? As a Christian you wonder, how do I deal with this!? Its so passive. Nothing outright rude--just little subtle jabs. I feel like I would rather people be agressive about their feelings and spew it on out so I can handle it with equal force than the gnawing agitation that passive agressive people make me feel.

Although not in the same context this is what it makes me think of:

Revelation 3:16 (New King James Version)

¹⁶ So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.

Can I get an AMEN!?

Out with it! Your lukewarm-ness disgusts me. And what's worse is that it comes from within. It comes from one's mind and heart... the genuine feeling that the other person is an idiot, or is not as "good" as I am--and when I say good I mean in a moral sense... I'm just such a GOOD person that I would have never said or done or felt that, or didn't do something the Right way, which of course had I done it.... it would have been the right way.

Now don't get me wrong. I can be like this too sometimes, and I'm sure I've been this "lukewarm" person to someone. And because I don't want anyone to think more of me than is warranted, I'll just say this prayer:

"Lord, help my heart. It is not enough to hold one's tongue, but to wipe the ugly thoughts out of one's very MIND, Lord. Aid me in my struggle to be a beacon of your love so that no one, my family, friends, strangers, co-workers will ever feel this way because of my words or my behaviors or my thoughts toward them.

In your mighty name I pray!"

The night before

2010-11-25T00:09:00.002-05:00

The night before it all happens.
The smells,
The laughs,
The words...
I can't sleep with the very pulse of it all
bursting through the
Anticipatory air.

Delved

Until it pours again...

2010-11-20T10:09:00.004-05:00

It pours on me
sometimes.
The skies open...
on purpose, I'm convinced.
And I'm gasping for a single breath
without choking on it all.
And the drops pelt every inch of me.
Until I can not bear another sensation
On my skin.
I feel like clawing at my body with the very
maddening nature of it all.
Then with an almost audible snap
it shuts.
I dry slowly with time,
Then just to be cruel--
am not given a single drop more--
till my dryness is slightly uncomfortable.
Then nearly unbearable.
Where all my skin feels chapped.
And I imagine that all of it will chip away.
And I'm completely stagnant
Not wanting to move for fear of drying out further.
It's then that I think of you.

Delve

YIKES!

2010-11-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

Its been almost a month since I've had something to say. How does life just fly away from you like that?

I've been studying Esther with a group of women from our Church. Its been a pretty amazing ride, although I do feel some added pressure in its success as a group considering that I'm the "group leader" for this session and its being held at my house. Lately we've had some low numbers and I can't help but wonder if it is because of the study I chose or my style of leading the study. I hope that I can maintain an engaging spirit and add some depth to a short but powerful book in the bible.

I'm still singing worship, although each time I go up there I feel more embarrassed than the time before. I feel every mistake and ill-prepared vocal. But imagine if I can't find time to write (which is my passion) then how can I sit long enough to rehearse. I pray so desperately when I'm on stage for the holy Spirit to just take over and let Him move the souls of the congregation because relying on my vocals and preparation sure as heck won't be enough.

I'm still working hard as an insurance agent. I spend the majority of my awake hours there, and I wonder how in the WORLD am I going to keep this up? How am I going to continue with the stress of trying to be successful at marketing and sales. How am I going to continue with the time away from my daughter? How am I going to continue getting up early and having to dress up in suit and heels and do my hair and make up every darn day of my life?! But then its Monday again, and I get in my routine, and I power through it somehow... Just yearning for the weekend.

Friday I leave for a women's conference called Women of Faith. And while I am excited, I've also been thinking "here's another thing I've decided to do and another day away from my daughter." When am I going to just focus on her? I feel like its been so long since I've devoted myself entirely to my family. In Louisiana I had so many distractions from my family that it was starting to rip us apart. Now I'm working to sustain my family and to help my husband with the burden of our finances. I'm participating in Church because I love God and hunger to soak up his Spirit. And even these things, which I do with the best of intentions, consume my time and attention. I want to be a better mother. I just don't know how.

Microfiction Monday

2010-10-11T00:39:00.001-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(in 139 characters)

While it took a little longer than expected

The wait was finally over!

Standing there

Until the last person left the train

He never showed.

The Happy Story
(in 141 characters)

Well its not exactly the train to Hogwarts
But it was her train to destiny
After 60 years of serving the world
The world would now serve her.

hosted by: stony river

Take this TEST!!!!

2010-10-09T10:53:00.000-04:00

I don't do too many quizzes but hONESTLY this was uncanny!

Take it and share your results! its incredible!!

CLICK ME TO TAKE THE TEST!
Here's my personality description:

Performers have the special ability, even among the Artisans, to delight those around them with their warmth, their good humor, and with their often extraordinary skills in music, comedy, and drama. Whether on the job, with friends, or with their families, Performers are exciting and full of fun, and their great social interest lies in stimulating those around them to take a break from work and worry, to lighten up and enjoy life.
Performers are plentiful, something over ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate, because they bring pleasure to so many of us. Performers are the people for whom it can truly be said "all the world's a stage." Born entertainers, they love the excitement of playing to an audience, and will quickly become the center of attention wherever they are. Performers aren't comfortable being alone, and seek the company of others whenever possible-which they usually find, for they make wonderful playmates. Performers are smooth, talkative, and witty; they always seem to know the latest jokes and stories, and are quick with wisecracks and wordplay-nothing is so serious or sacred that it can't be made fun of. Performers also like to live in the fast lane, and seem up on the latest fashions of dress, food, drink, and music. Lively and uninhibited, Performers are the life of the party, always trying to create in those around them a mood of eat, drink, and be merry.

The Performers' talent for enjoying life is healthy for the most part, though it also makes them more subject to temptations than the other types. Pleasure seems to be an end in itself for them, and variety is the spice of life. And so Performers are open to trying almost anything that promises them a good time, not always giving enough thought to the consequences.
Like the other Artisans, Performers are incurably optimistic - "Always look on the bright side," is their motto - and they will avoid worries and troubles by ignoring them as long as possible. They are also the most generous of all the types, and second only to the Composer Artisans [ISFPs] in kindness. Performers haven't a mean or stingy bone in their body-what's theirs is yours-and they seem to have little idea of saving or conserving. They give what they have to one and all without expectation of reward, just as they love freely, and without expecting anything in return. In so many ways, Performers view life as an eternal cornucopia from which flows an endless supply of pleasures.
Elizabeth Taylor, John Goodman, Marylin Monroe, Judy Garland, Magic Johnson, Pablo Picasso, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Elvis, and Leonard Bernstein are examples of Performer Artisans.click me!

pain!!

2010-10-03T21:57:00.000-04:00

my gum pain is so excruciating right now I can barely breathe.

It is inflamed on one section... but it came out of NOWHERE. like what in the world! I've never had a toothache/gum/mouth ache nOTHING. and I feel like pulling the teeth out of my head if that would alleviate the pain.

I feel the pain all the way up my mouth by my nose, in my ears, and on my pallat...of course not mentioning the ACTUAL spot on my gums that hurts like the dickens.

I've tried the tea bags, and the warm salt water, and the ambesol, and the floss and massaging with the toothbrush.

Here's what I do know!

Do NOT massage.

Do NOT do the salt water (it makes it worse)

Take LOTS OF ibuprofen!!

Gargle Listerine....

The tea bags feel okay because of the pressure but when you take them off, your mouth is worse than it was before and you want to die.

I need some supernatural healing right now.

Missing

2010-10-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

I didn't know it was missing
Until it had returned,
And then I was insatiable.

Living in dual minds
Trying to imagine what it would be like
While unable to imagine life any other way.

Delve

Praise and Worship

2010-09-26T15:22:00.001-04:00

If you've been reading my blog for any given time you know how much I love to perform.

Singing and performing revolutionized my life as an obnoxious, exuberant teen, and it defined me as an adult in college. I finally found something that I could do. I had a voice---a voice that was all my own.

After college, I auditioned for the Baton Rouge Symphony Orchestra and spent 2 amazing years learning opera choruses and really stretching myself as an educated singer. I met my best friend in BRSO, and looking back I think it will be one of my most beautiful memories.

Now, I sing worship at our church on select Sundays, and I'm singing contemporary Christian music and am learning a whole new type of singing. One that requires not only good singing instincts but singing smarts. I got by in BRSO with my ability to anticipate the music and to hear my fellow Second Sopranos when I needed to find the right key... But singing worship is different. I realize that I don't have the smarts that I'll need to be more of an asset and less of a hassle.

But I have to admit, I love it. I love the band and especially our worship leader. He's patient, talented, level-headed, and easy-going. All the traits necessary for singing along side me week after week. On stage we're the only two voices. Just he and I. No other second sopranos to feed off of or to pick up on the key changes. And while I'm not as good a "harmonizer" as I hope to one day be, I have received enough feedback to realize that we sound good together. It is one of the highest compliments anyone could pay me. See I left my ego in college. In BRSO it was all about being one beautiful cohesive voice. And to feel like I achieve that during worship is a dream.

While I know there is much progress to be made, I just enjoy knowing that my voice melds with his. That through our voices the Spirit of the Lord penetrates the people of Story Church. That my voice isn't abrasive or a distraction from the Holy Spirit working in the hearts of our congregation.

"I cannot sing like someone else. I can only sing like I sing."
--jm

2010-09-23T18:29:00.005-04:00

Heart racing
I sit
impatiently.
Waiting to hear
what you thought
of someone else.

Delve

My daughter's birthday

2010-09-21T23:57:00.001-04:00

In less than a month, my daughter turns 4.

Four years! and in those four years plus the 40 weeks leading up to that day, my life flipped around and spun around and twisted and transformed.

And time has moved away from me so quickly, I'm left reeling. I can't believe yet another year has passed. Last year Lia had 3 separate birthday celebrations--an abundance of friends and cake and laughter.

So am I going to go through a huge ordeal for her 4th birthday? Her friends are 1000+ miles away. Her family is 500-1000+.

TOTALLY I AM!

Why?

Because it is her birthday, and if anyone remembers that day it's ME for sure. I will celebrate her life. I will try to make it as special as possible, because on that day God changed my life forever. On that day, one i can never forget, I was blessed with Lia.

ITs more a celebration forme than for her.... although I do want her to enjoy :)

My cryptic words

2010-09-21T22:31:00.002-04:00

So I called for inspiration and I've spoken in nothing but prose for weeks lol.

Cacophony

2010-09-19T14:27:00.002-04:00

I only heard a bit.
A wee bit,
Which definitely showed
You were trying.

But you will hear me.
My voice will trill with praise.
And at the soul--
At the very pit, you will hear God.

7 AM

2010-09-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

Seven AM Thoughts.
Rushing,
Hungry Thoughts.
Excited,
Nervous Thoughts
At seven AM.

Laid in bed and watched the sun grow bright.
Remembered my dreams
That consumed my night
All these feelings and faces and bodies
Fill my seven AM thoughts.

Then with some simple taps
I preserve this day
Like a jar of apple butter
Sweet and tantalizing and
Not-too-good-for-you
I store my seven AM thoughts.

Delve

Take A Seat

2010-09-10T20:24:00.000-04:00

I sit down...
Some more
With feet aching.
This is a different type of sitting.
This is leisurely sitting...
A sitting filled with depth and longing.
A sitting calmed with rhythmic breathing.
A sitting with eyes closed.
I'm waiting
For the words.
Only words.
No calls
Or orders
Or goals
Or expectations
This sitting is my sitting.
I hum.
And the familiar voice is echoed through my ears and mind
I know this voice and I quickly shut it off
wishing not to make a sound.
I want my body entirely silent.
Just sitting.
This is where I feel my best.
Not on a beach with the bright sun crisping my skin.
Not on a boat ride bouncing on the choppy waves.
But in my room
Darkened room
With no sounds.
Only words.
Silent words.
Oh,
and Sitting, of course.

Exasperation

2010-09-06T19:51:00.003-04:00

Its that feeling, ya know?
When the words that shouldn't be said
Blurt out.
When the thoughts that shouldn't be thought
Fumble themselves out your mouth.
Its this feeling I get after every occasion,
After every visit,
After every conversation.
And its because you're new to me.
Its because I'm new to you.
Its because I'm my own harshest critic.
Its because I feel a constant burden to be a beacon of God's love,
Whilst being sinful,
While being flawed.
While being myself and liking who I am
Yet being ashamed of how I feel
Or what I've done.
Or what I said
Or for how I made you feel
Or how I think I made you feel.
And this is all I feel
Every Time
I speak.

Microfiction Monday

2010-09-05T23:56:00.002-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

This black mountain

was ferociously loud.
Without food, water
People or love

The fight had left him.
He braced himself for
Its dark embrace.

hosted by: Stony River @www.stoneyriver.ie

Is it terrible?????

2010-09-03T07:15:00.000-04:00

Is it terrible to acknowledge when a baby isn't cute??

Do all babies have to be called cute? Its like an unspoken rule....

I know the old saying "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." And I totally believe that. But in reality... there must be some uncute babies out there right?

I See God There: Ode to Kimi C

2010-09-01T18:47:00.000-04:00

In your smooth west-coast flair
I see God there.
And as you gently ripple through the thrashing waves
And lead the women through example and grace,
I see God there.
It is your constant support of a man much burdened,
That allows a whole people to become closer to salvation
That much closer to the LORD.
And it is in that love that I see God.
And to me even closer still.
You've blessed and cared
For that most precious to me.
You stepped in, when I was forced to step out,
And I see God there too.

Erato

2010-08-29T00:30:00.006-04:00

I call on you once more tonight.
My mind had settled in endless night.
No thoughts or words or light or rhymes
Have left my shell until these lines.

And farther down I push you still
With eyes closed tight the tapping fills
My ears; my absence dried up all reserves
of long lost talent in shifting words.

So as the moon above me shivers
In mad delight, my body quivers
In fear of having lost it all--
The words that cushioned every fall...

Falls into the lonely spaces
And plunges into angry traces
And tracks around familiar faces
Of sins pushed down in waiting places.

you're welcome

2010-08-28T19:09:00.002-04:00

There must be a way

2010-08-25T07:14:00.001-04:00

To transition from stay at home mom/ susie homemaker to professional working mom/woman. I just haven't found it yet.

I broke down....

2010-08-08T08:06:00.004-04:00

after her pleading in the store, and bought Lia silly bandz....

I can't believe the trends have started at 3 years old. I thought for sure I had until 10... lol

Microfiction Monday

2010-08-01T22:09:00.001-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(in 144 characters... sorry for the cheat. I'm out of practice)

Not so much a secret as purposeful neglect.

He said he would let it all fall down.

And it did. It fell.

While memories like stones chipped away.

Fads

2010-07-31T18:48:00.002-04:00

I had never heard of a Silly Band before moving to North Cackalacky. Even gas stations advertise that silly bandz are in stock!
But every single child between the age of 3 and 18 is loaded up with Silly Bandz....And I'm wondering why?

When I was a kid what was the THING that everyone HAD TO HAVE?? Were they scrunchies? or comic cards? or pogs? But why? How do these things occur? Just brilliant marketing? The right, popular girl in school has them and it causes a butterfly effect that sweeps the nation?

Well whatever it is---it IS. It is in these Silly Bandz. It was in the pogs of the 90's. What will it be in 10 years? Who or what will be the catalyst for that craze?

Where could I have gone?

2010-07-30T22:18:00.000-04:00

I've been working.

Yes after almost 4 years of stay at home mothering... I am now a working mother and wife. It is such a strange feeling. I am elated that I'm able to learn a new industry(insurance) and that I'm able to contribute to the financial well-being of our family, but I am also struggling with the thought that i have to go EVERY STINKING DAY. and that I have to be there OVER EIGHT STINKING HOURS!

I'm fortunate that the people I work with are AMAZING, helpful, God-fearing, beautiful, funny, intelligent, etc. etc. etc (the king and I--look it up)

Anyways that means....

I'm so incredibly busy, its hard to breathe. Hard to type. Hard to write. Hard to think. Hard to emote. Hard to imagine.

I hope I don't lose myself.

Quotes of Late

2010-07-06T19:03:00.000-04:00

Lia saying grace: "Dear Jesus, thank you for our food... and then he huffed and he puffed and he bleeewwww the house down."

Lia after I cut Lee's hair: "Daddy, why do you have Cristiano Ronaldo hair?"

Lia describing Charlotte's Web: "Charlotte is a spider, and she DIED!"
LEE= Mortified
Jillien: No Lia tell daddy about the movie....
Lia: "Wilbur was saying NO NO DON"T DIE! but Charlotte said, "No. I'm dead"
Lee= extremely mortified "WHAT KIND OF MOVIE DID YOU TAKE HER TO!"

What I'm watching

2010-07-03T14:34:00.004-04:00

The Love Message Revisited

2010-07-01T22:05:00.002-04:00

I'm always wondering why...

Why I get angry so quickly. Why I can't just let things slide. Why I'm so impatient.

But recently the Lord has been sending a message to me of LOVE. He's been pressing this theme upon me, and I can't just let it slip me by as if to say, "I don't have a problem with love... look at my family. I love my family"... right?

Sometimes its hard to love, or maybe I should say it this way: Sometimes its hard to love properly. Love without expectations. Love without stipulations. Love without resentment. Love immediately. Love patiently. Love kindly.

How many mothers out there can relate to loving one's child impatiently??? A LOT right!

BUT how about loving one's child resentfully? Not so much, I'm sure.

Although I there are probably many reasons I am the way I am, including my upbringing and my parents' style of child rearing, I can't help but wonder if my own resentment at getting pregnant at such a young age and all the depression and havoc it initially caused in my life have anything to do with how I behave today? Maybe I'm still holding on to the “old days.”

But I think the Lord knows my heart; He knows how desperately I want to succeed as a parent and wife, and He's trying to help. Recently I believe God has sent me clues as to how to defeat these dark moments. How to forgive the world and forgive my circumstances and forgive my husband and forgive my child even though they are guiltless.

How? Ephesians 4! that's how! But I'll go backwards Starting from the hardest and most important to the daily requirements of proper love....

32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

First Forgive! Make a conscience decision every day to forgive ahead of time. Before any fault is committed, they are forgiven. They are forgiven immediately and without need of repayment. Just as we live in the complete forgiveness of the LORD.

31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Second let it all go! All the hurts. All the ill will. All the resentment and anger. Let it slip from you. Write a letter. Have a talk. Pray on it. Just do it. Start fresh every morning. Make no record of wrongdoing. Clean slate every day.

29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I am the queen of mean. Sometimes I say the most hurtful things because I'm angry.

6"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

We are not justified to sin even if our anger is justified. Wanna be a better person? Learn how to hold your tongue. Learn some self control.

Finally after all this:

16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Now this post is in no way a testament of how wise I am, nor am I a psychoanalyst who has some sort of insight into these types of things. No Way! I am just a woman who has been desperately praying and begging the Lord to aid her in her life, and who the Lord has guided to this one central message: LOVE. Just love unconditionally and without any hint of resentment because of the past or anger or impatience. And it goes for all of my relationships. Not just as a mother, but as a wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law, cousin, friend, and acquaintance.

And why am I sharing all this? Because I can't be the only one.

I've been receiving this message for about a week, (its probably been longer and I just wasn't listening but now that I am, already I'm better!) I remind myself in the morning to relax, to not overreact, to behave lovingly, and then I try my best to fulfill that goal for my day. And I feel the anger slipping away. (sometimes I do mess up) but I start again. And I'm hoping that this becomes a life long change for me.

Microfiction Monday

2010-06-28T08:46:00.005-04:00

The Picture

The Story 1

(in 140 characters or less)

Come to us they sang.

But their shrill voices were driving me mad!

If you'd had heard it, you wouldn't blame me for what I did next...

The Story 2

(in 133 characters)

UGH!! Back up off me.

I done told you! I Do Not Have Any More Bait for you to eat.

You're lucky I don't stick a hook in the next one!

hosted by : stony river

The Love Message

2010-06-28T00:29:00.001-04:00

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
Mother Teresa

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action.
Mother Teresa

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home.
Mother Teresa

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
Mother Teresa

Be careful when you pray for patience, because God will answer that prayer with more opportunities to be patient.
Lead Pastor Kimi.

Sometimes I struggle with how much I should type out on this thing. How much I should share. Not knowing who's reading or who knows me on here makes it an ever greater risk that the personal things I type on my blog can be used against me or can be spread as gossip about me. And I struggle with that because like I've gone through so many things, that I've learned so much and have gone through such an interesting journey of faith that I feel called to share the things I've learned. Even though its embarrassing or hurtful. Even though I would rather everyone have this surreal picture of perfection when it comes to my life, I still find myself typing out the most intimate secrets.

My mornings are mine no longer

2010-06-23T23:11:00.000-04:00

I write at night--

When I'm tired and worn

Because I'm more tired

Early in the morn.

___________________________

You notice me not because you are looking

But because you happen to glance and see me there.

You speak to me not because you are yearning

But because I called out to you and you were there.

___________________________________________

I read and read.
I'm searching for You.
I call out to You.
I implore You.
And everyday
Its all the same.
No change.
Not yet.

Microfiction Monday

2010-06-21T17:20:00.002-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(In 140 characters)

DagNabbit, BillyBob!
I thought I done told ya
Lazy Dog's too fancy for my likin
All dem prissy folk think dey too
good for a 2pc &a biscuit.

Hosted by: Stony River

Late night Blogging!

2010-06-20T01:29:00.001-04:00

Its one AM, and I'm feeling inspired.

A couple of weeks ago marked my 5 year blogging anniversary. 5 years. I've been typing/ recording/ thinking/ babbling/ blundering... for FIVE years.

During that time I underwent so many changes, made so many mistakes, cracked so many jokes, made so many friends.... lost those friends. Shed some tears. Graduated college. Had a baby. Got married. Made a life. Became an SPP mom. Moved away.

And here I sit. Wondering where I'll be in another 5 years. I went from 19 to 24 [i'll be 25 next month] in 5 more years I'll be 30. Will I still be here? On stupidsometimes.com?

Nicknames, like the Infamous that I got as a kid, will they still make sense then? They barely make sense now. Will I change it? Or hold on for "old time's sake?"

Will I still call myself a writer?

Will I still be reading? Following? Commenting?

5 years.

If you'd have talked to me 5 years ago, I would have never thought I'd be a mother, not to mention a wife and a North Carolina resident!

It just goes to show you that the plans God has for us is beyond the scope of our imaginations. It is so much bigger than the plans we have for ourselves. Even the humblest of lives are grander than the trivial expectations of man.

But I do want more, world. I want more education. I want more faith. I want more words. Give them to me; Or let me take them. I am not done. I have yet to reach the pinnacle of my life.

Joshua 14:12 "Now therefore GIVE ME THIS MOUNTAIN..."

GOL!!!!!!!!!!! Wait? No!?

2010-06-18T19:53:00.002-04:00

If anyone saw the USA vs Slovenija match this morning, you KNOW the major JIPPING that took place! I know this sounds insane, but it put me in such a bad mood that it took hours for me to get over it really.

That referee's horrible judgment and incompetency should be considered a SIN!

Don't know what I'm talking about??!??!?!? You can check it out for yourself ---->here<------ OR you can sit through this completely bias and patriotic description of what happened given by ME.

The US team, discouraged and beaten, are losing 2-0 by half time. Slovenija looks good. I mean really good. Precise. Fast. Smart.

But our men are from the LAND OF THE FREE and the HOME OF THE BRAVE!

USA comes back with the eye of the tiger during the second half and shoot 2 brilliant goals to tie the game. With 5 minutes to spare, the US has a corner kick. The players on both ends are scrambling for the ball. The green team to kick it out of the danger zone; the noble red, white, and blue are focused on scoring. AND THEY DO! The ball flies into the goal; we are AHEAD, and victory is just a minute away.

That is UNTIL the King of Incompetency calls a foul, takes our goal away, and we tie--making our future in the mundial very unsure.... Why the foul? NO REASON!!! See the replays. See the highlights. See the game.

We have been robbed of our win--truly and honestly. Worst call I've ever seen. It was blatant misjudgment.

FIFA should come down on that arbiter with a vengeance.

Haiku! Love it!

2010-06-16T19:06:00.002-04:00

Today's Theme: Fathers

Taller and Stronger

Smarter and Braver, he be.

My daddy is it.

The best provider,

The most understanding one

There is on this Earth.

The best in a man--

Lemme tell you the truth, cher.

My daddy is it.

GRRR at you BLOGGER

2010-06-16T18:45:00.000-04:00

Did anyone's custom template get totally messed up when blogger unLEASHED its new template designer??!?!!!! Well mine did!!!

And anyone who's been following this blog for any number of months KNOWS how difficult it is for me to choose a template. And just when I get that nifty red one and thought it would be mine forever--Blogger came and snatched it from my grasp, like a thief in the night it came and took my red-wonder away!

And what am I left with?!!?! HUH! This. Just look at it.

I mean I guess its nice.

Its not as busy and apoplectic-seizure inducing as my old one.

I guess it'll do.

*wink*

Microfiction Monday

2010-06-14T09:07:00.000-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(138 characters)

I thought I was getting better.

Thought they'd send me home soon.

But this is a disturbing vision;

I'll just sit here until it goes away.

Hosted by: Stony River

The Church Shopping Experience

2010-06-13T21:36:00.003-04:00

I don't know your faith... I can only testify on my own experiences, but I can tell you that I wish to be a beacon. A faith-filled, spirit-guided beacon of Christ love.

I found a true fullness in Spirit in Baton Rouge at my church home with Healing Place Church. And anyone who is wandering in the wilderness, suffering in the valley, for anyone who thinks that God has left him or her, for anyone who feels so sinful that the eternal love of God has excluded him, I urge desperately to check out that website. Check out the online sermons. They are wonderful and a good taste of truth.

But I'm now a THOUSAND miles away and searching.

How many of us are searching? And for what? How many feel lost? How many feel unfulfilled?

I know that I can't do it alone. I need a church community. I need role-models--cuz lemme tell ya a lil secret, cher: I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM SO SINFUL. I CAN BE A TERRIBLE PERSON AT TIMES. I AM IMPATIENT. I AM QUICK TO ANGER. I AM EASILY ANNOYED. and a million other things that I beg with the Lord to help me correct.

I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better woman. Heck I just want to be a better human being.

So what I need is a church. A need community. I need friends. I need it now.

We arrived in NC on Monday. Saturday night we attended a large, well established church. This (sunday) morning we attended Story Church and tonight we met with the Story Church Dream Team for a luau/bbq. And while they are similar in many ways; powerful in many ways, it is the energetic beginning that has drawn us to Story Church. It is the growing need for growth that has us excited to join in.

While meeting with the congregation I noticed that most of them had a common characteristic..... they were new to Christ or new to Church or they had a background in church but wandered away and came back through Story Church. Lee felt an instant connection to that newness. I, on the other hand, felt drawn by the opportunity to connect and grow. I wanted to belong to a church that was young. I feel myself drawn to serving and building deep relationships. I feel like I want to delve into Theology. I want to learn the Word and pass it on.

What does this have to do with anything?

I can only guess that now that I'm in this new place and we're kind of starting a new life, I'm reevaluating everything. I'm reevaluating what I want and expect from my life. And all these words, ideas, and desires are popping into my mind--keeping me up at night.

But Between the promise and the provision is the perfecting time. I have dreams, and God will get me there When I'm ready and am completely capable of glorifying Him once I'm there. He doesn't need my help fulfilling the promises He's made to me. I have to surrender and be patient.

Sunday Citar

2010-06-06T15:46:00.001-04:00

Po' Boy Blues by Langston Hughes

When I was home de
Sunshine seemed like gold.
When I was home de
Sunshine seemed like gold.
Since I come up North de
Whole damn world's turned cold.

I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong.
Yes, I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong,
But this world is weary
An' de road is hard an' long.

I fell in love with
A gal I thought was kind.
Fell in love with
A gal I thought was kind.
She made me lose ma money
An' almost lose ma mind.

Weary, weary,
Weary early in de morn.
Weary, weary,
Early, early in de morn.
I's so weary
I wish I'd never been born.

Lemme Tell You What

by Jillien

That gal of which he speaks, is my car, who has broken down half way through our trip to the new home in NC. That long road of which he speaks, is I-59 which stretches from here to kingdom come. That weary morn of which he speaks, is my mind and my soul who are weary, my loves. And that golden sunshine of which he speaks, shines on my home long sold.

Today I said goodbye

2010-06-02T00:46:00.000-04:00

To my mom and dad.

I'm sad....

I started my Bible in 90 days challenge.
Day One [check]

I'm sleepy...

Tomorrow I rush to Baton Rouge for a day with friends and church in the evening.

I'm anxious...

My arms and shoulders are sore from changing the front brakes of my car with my dad yesterday.

I'm proud of myself...

I have been competing in 5 different scrabble matches with internet scrabblers for the last 3 days. The games have yet to end.

I'm a nerd.

My friend leaving me...

2010-05-26T22:11:00.002-04:00

Feels much more painful than me leaving my friend.

Today was another step toward my home no longer feeling like home: Bueno left today, and Baton Rouge lost a bit of friendliness.

Now don't get me wrong... I still have many wonderful friends left here in BR, but all these changes seem easier to handle when it's me leaving them. A city, my life, left in tact. Suspended until I return. On pause, if you will. But today a big part of that illusion was shattered, and it has left me reeling--grasping at air frivolously trying to piece it back together. Today I feel a little lonelier.

But I know that God has big plans for me in NC. Like I'm Joshua and Lee is Caleb, and the Lord has shown us the promise land--a land of milk and honey. Now there are adversities and there are giants in the land, but if we remain faithful, the Lord has promised us eternity.

Microfiction Monday

2010-05-24T09:30:00.000-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

Psst.
PSST...
Look at that guy rolling on the floor
--Oh That's Gerard. He claims it helps him meditate.
Ya? Well its really ticking me off.

hosted by: Stony River

(untitled post)

2010-05-21T12:01:00.005-04:00

It sits there.
My struggles
Panting and heaving.

Through the dusty air
I make out others like me--
Crouching or kneeling
Just trying to take it all in.
The end.
I don't think anyone thought it would be like this...

It was much harder than I anticipated.
The sides more equally matched.
I always thought we'd have the edge,
but looking around...

Everything hurts.
But my mind hurts just a little more than the rest of my body.
And the air is trembling from all the moaning and shrieking--
Some--ghosts of the hours past,
Others in fresh agony.

They are roving beneath us.
I can feel them just under the surface.
Searching...
But my eyes are fixed on one--
Our struggles.

Arrogant.
It is arrogantly tired,
but he's waited a long time for this moment...
And his eyes skim the sky.

Some of us are up there.
They, too, are searching...

I tense my muscles
Just to see how it'll feel.
Not if, but when he makes his move,
And I've got to leap or roll or run or die.

Pride...
That was it, ya know?
It was his pride
That started it all.

Funny thing about pride--
When you suffer from it,
You're often to proud to realize.

There's only him right now.
But with a flap of his black bat wings
He projects, and then there are hundreds
Of struggles.

But I too have something to project,
And I've survived until this moment.
And just my presence can swing the balance.
I'm sure.

I can remember him.
Brightest of all.
Glorious.
The model of beautiful beings.
Pure and strong.
I'm remembering...

And the scorched earth of where I sit
has yet to be created.
The thought not yet entered the consciousness
of the Almighty.

There were only the few.
We knew each other well.

He knows me well--
All of my struggles.

Then I'm back.
And the light of truth is blazing in my eyes.
I've caught his attention.
His vision no longer fixed on the heavens,
But on me.

And slowly I stand,
The voice of God!
And brace myself for the assault,
But before it comes
I project
His song.
Always His song.

And the world stands still.
And the notes pierce through
The shaking air.
And the searching ends.
And the struggles seem...

Much easier to extricate
While in the presence of His song--
of His word.

Haiku! Yes Sir!

2010-05-19T11:17:00.004-04:00

This week's theme: Ego

Stars and spatial globes

Spin and twirl. They die and live

In His mighty hands.

Of those who deserve

lots of worship and praises--

He asks for it all.

So...

Check yourself, my dear

'fore you wreck yourself, ya hear?

Leave ya ego home!

I'm off track

2010-05-18T11:49:00.000-04:00

My husband and I attended a service at a local church in Baton Rouge years ago--just out of a whim. We had drifted way off course in our faith, in our relationship, in our lives... and the spirit spoke to us that night when the pastor gave his sermon, which was appropriately named The Drift. It was all about the NEED to remain conscious of where we stand. That if we become lazy, we drift away from the light of God--from the kingdom. Every day should begin with a purposeful repositioning--making sure you're heading Godward.

Well that sermon struck a cord with me even though I was too proud to admit it at the time.

Lee and I have referenced the teachings of that message constantly through the years. But in recent months, through the stresses of this move, I hadn't noticed how far I'd drifted... Yea, I still go to church twice a week, but you would never tell from my attitude, my thoughts, and my actions.

How can I expect God to send grace down onto my life, if I'm not even making a conscious effort to live a pleasing life??? How can I expect goodness and mercy, when I'm so mean and unforgiving? This is not a God directed life.

As I sit here and type, I'm thinking of all of my sins... the ones that are obvious ie: bad attitude, quick to anger, laziness; and the ones that I keep buried down deep. But wanna know what happens when you bury something??? if you bury it and deny it nourishment, it dies. But if you're like me and you bury it in the rich soil of your constant thoughts, feed it regularly with attention, and protect it from destruction by refusing to acknowledge how harmful it is to you... it grows and becomes a tangled mess. Like a labyrinth that you've no way of knowing how to escape. It blocks your path. It blocks your vision. It blocks grace.

My future is too uncertain to further complicate it with a lack of vision. It is time that I do a reckoning. It starts today with right now!

Microfiction Monday

2010-05-17T10:12:00.002-04:00

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

Who me?!
Oh don't mind me!
I was just heading to the bathroom.
What jars?
Oh, these jars!
Um. Well.
See, Its actually a very funny story...

hosted by: Stony River

Stretched

2010-05-17T09:37:00.002-04:00

I am feeling stretched to my limits. My patience. My tolerance. My comfort. All under the ultimate test!

This move to North Carolina, in my heart, feels like it is where God is pointing our family. I feel like Lee and I are Joshua and Caleb staring at the promised land--flowing with milk and honey, but of course, there are giants in the land.

What are my giants?
--Unfamiliarity
--Distance from my friends and family
--Having to rely so heavily upon lee and him having to lean just as much on me. It will definitely be a test for our relationship.

When people ask me, "Are you excited?" The one honest response I can give them is, "The ONLY thing I'm excited about is having a home again."

For the past 3 1/2 years I've been a stay at home mom and loved every second of it. What is coming up for me in NC? Lee and I have been talking about me applying for jobs full-time, and I have to admit, it's terrifying! I have my degree in English, but that is not a big money-maker, lemme just tell ya! So what else is there out there for me to do?

So many questions are laid out before me. And even my imagination is being stretched.

Well, I came to a decision last night at 9:30PM when Lee and I finally made it on the road back to New Orleans from Baton Rouge....

I'm going to search for the kingdom. I'm going to pursue only the grace of God, and in my search for Him, I am confident that everything else will fall into place. (Well to be honest--confident is a strong word considering how insecure I am about it all. But, hey! Gotta fake it till you make it, right!!?!??!?)

Shape

2010-05-13T20:41:00.004-04:00

Its all the heavy breathing;
The up and down,
The tense muscles,
The need to stop,
But the want to continue
That has my mind going
In every direction.

[Argh! Exercise....
This is what I get for getting so dang
Out of Shape!]