tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-140870612024-03-07T21:34:29.773-05:00Life Through Words"...There may never be another opportunity
For me to hear what you never intended to say."Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.comBlogger969125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-86386522029995351442023-02-25T01:36:00.004-05:002023-02-25T01:36:17.284-05:00Forever Wounds<p> <span style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Its been a while since I wrote to you,</span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Felt ashamed and guilty, even though what I said was true.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Let the words hang in the air and wither there</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Like a noose around my neck with my heart laid bare.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">I'd come back every now and again to check if they were still there</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Wishing there scars instead of the open wounds that we share. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">But like I expected, we are still bleeding</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(117, 117, 117); color: #757575; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">The cuts will remain while our hearts are still beating.</p>Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-70336965710180160542020-06-06T15:58:00.002-04:002020-06-06T15:59:24.258-04:00An UpdateThere's very little left of me<br />
Very hollow and alone<br />
No boredom or excitement<br />
No God, no family, no home<br />
<br />
Just an empty mind<br />
With empty thoughts<br />
An empty heart<br />
With empty slots<br />
Empty shelves<br />
Collecting dust<br />
A once shiny locket<br />
turned to rust.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-76053698988657849092019-11-15T22:53:00.001-05:002019-11-15T22:53:47.463-05:00"shallow" conversation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This video popped up on my youtube suggested videos and I was reminded of the many conversations I've had with my introverted friends about their hate of small talk and <i>shallow</i> conversations. As an extrovert, I'm not always comfortable talking about my darkest fears and deepest desires right when I first meet someone and use small talk as a way to make small connections that can help me get to know someone before moving on to deeper topics. Something as simple as commenting on your shoes is a way for me to know more about you. Like the video says, it's best if you not answer every question literally: <i>Hey are those new shoes? <b>Yes</b>. [end chat] </i></div>
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Honestly the other day someone mentioned my black on black converses, which led me to talking about how I bought them during my first trip to New York and a concert I attended at Citi Field. After which, he shared his own NY experiences. </div>
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This video was so fascinating because it explained the intentions behind these seemingly "shallow" questions. </div>
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Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-37521247329448271372019-08-23T20:59:00.002-04:002020-06-06T16:00:32.615-04:00Far from home<span style="background-color: white; font-family: , , , "segoe ui" , "roboto" , "ubuntu" , "helvetica neue" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I live a 1000 miles from home.
No family except for those I’ve grown-
Fostered relationships built on not wanting to be alone.
Far from the streets filled music & mayhem,
And plenty of Jazz and Booze to erase any memories that plague ‘em. </span>Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-63942270528519113552019-03-28T14:27:00.000-04:002020-06-06T15:59:56.868-04:00Soul Search: truth talk I hide away my sins and shame--<br />
Hoping I can keep living how I'm living for just one more day.<br />
Tomorrow will be different.<br />
Tomorrow I will change.<br />
Then add a 1 and tomorrow becomes today.<br />
The wish remains the same<br />
In an endless circle,<br />
Tomorrow fades away.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-39149440411702173142019-02-25T13:25:00.003-05:002020-06-06T15:59:47.931-04:00GAD? My mind goes in and out sometimes--<br />
Like an old VCR tape,<br />
It pauses.<br />
It rewinds.<br />
It skips.<br />
And lunges forward,<br />
But unfortunately<br />
My body rarely follows.<br />
Then suddenly it comes crashing back toward me--<br />
Usually knocking me over.<br />
And I'm scared.<br />
And I'm sad.<br />
And I'm hollowed.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-85654248481548570822019-01-19T20:27:00.002-05:002020-06-06T15:59:40.512-04:00words, words, wordsIt feels like just yesterday<br />
I was sitting all alone<br />
In a crowded room<br />
Full of strangers<br />
And really far from home.<br />
<br />
I remember all the words<br />
Slowly but smoothly flowing forth<br />
And the subtle relief of seeing you<br />
After having feared the worst.<br />
<br />
Then not again until today<br />
Did I stop long enough to see<br />
If you would come to me again<br />
Or simply abandon me.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-3743236916006970452019-01-19T19:45:00.000-05:002020-06-06T16:00:24.550-04:00Love LettersAlways, XXX<br />
Yours, XXX<br />
That's how you would say goodbye<br />
In the letters you wrote to me<br />
In those memories I left behind.<br />
<br />
<br />Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-21686570673488981212018-09-22T08:56:00.000-04:002020-06-06T16:00:07.259-04:00When you left<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpCGGTkA-bxhEdR-AlVgpQLGZ5lW4cJMJa4nkYAu0l0UkXY38U9Z25Mb4feZrDotOLlGoRe6PllC7RjIpA66w47dtNrCbj6lT1oJHw2Fk_YfojGCquGq5j0mJXcWIHs27I68bc/s1600/IMG_2669.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpCGGTkA-bxhEdR-AlVgpQLGZ5lW4cJMJa4nkYAu0l0UkXY38U9Z25Mb4feZrDotOLlGoRe6PllC7RjIpA66w47dtNrCbj6lT1oJHw2Fk_YfojGCquGq5j0mJXcWIHs27I68bc/s320/IMG_2669.jpg" width="319" /></a></div>
<br />
I had some time to sit today<br />
Quietly outside,<br />
Though the voices and the noises<br />
Trickled from inside.<br />
<br />
And in the noisy silence<br />
My tears began to fall<br />
As thoughts of who you were to me<br />
I suddenly recalled.<br />
<br />
There was a time when I believed<br />
You were my only friend,<br />
And because of that friendship<br />
I would stick it out till the end.<br />
-Until it were all over<br />
-Until Jesus came again<br />
<br />
When I felt attacked and betrayed<br />
You were the one I called.<br />
I said if it were only us two<br />
I knew we could withstand it all.<br />
<br />
Into the gates of Hell<br />
I'd follow right behind you.<br />
My trusted leader and friend,<br />
I thought I'd never be without you.<br />
<br />
You can't imagine the pain I felt<br />
When you threw the towel in.<br />
The abandonment, the anger,<br />
The fear I felt within.<br />
<br />
I see you every now and then.<br />
We run into each other once in a while.<br />
It's hard to even look at you.<br />
It's hard to fake a smile.<br />
<br />
I wish I didn't feel this way.<br />
I've kept this all inside for years.<br />
So maybe this is my way of letting go--<br />
My words to help me heal.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-73189030429596643822018-08-27T10:20:00.005-04:002020-06-06T16:06:44.024-04:00Dimminy I find myself in constant pain because of you.<br />
My heart breaking with thoughts of you.<br />
To know what you're feeling and going through<br />
Would either ease my suffering or it renew.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-47812375984081462002018-08-01T22:04:00.002-04:002018-08-27T10:22:12.125-04:00With both hands he turned M's entire body around and pushed his shoulders against the wall. "GOD DAMNIT! ENOUGH!" Hitting the wall beside M's face with his open hand causing a loud slap to echo throughout the room--startling them both. And with that the tears welled in his eyes. The anger that he felt toward M transformed into fear and despair, and collapsing on his knees he whispered, "Stop. Stop being like this. Stop being so cold."Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-2213601495211337372018-08-01T21:38:00.000-04:002018-08-03T21:19:23.704-04:00She fell down. Well kind of. She sort of tripped down the stairs making a series of loud booms as the heel of her right foot slipped off the edge of each of the stairs. Thankfully there were only 3 or so, and she landed safely on the floor with both feet.<br />
<br />
But it was the sound that caught his attention. Mid sentence, he snapped his head toward that sound, toward her. His eyes searching her face and her body for a sign that she was hurt, but he couldn't catch her eyes. So he called out as he rushed toward her--unthoughtful of those with whom he was chatting with a moment before. "Are you okay?" Arm stretched out, reaching. "Are you okay?" He repeated softer, closer. "I'm okay." she sighed, slightly embarrassed but more surprised by his attention.<br />
<br />
Then just like that, laughter from friends near by, a girlfriend grabs her hand, and they walk away together. They giggle, and she tells the story of how she tripped down the stairs. They had all heard the booms. Plenty of jokes about her clumsiness ensue.<br />
<br />
He turns away after a moment-laughing to himself and walking back to talk once more with those he had abandoned. They barely noticed the intermission. There was nothing remarkable about the exchange. Just a brief pause in an otherwise normal and forgettable day.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-29474190528025845792018-06-22T21:40:00.002-04:002020-06-06T16:05:10.737-04:00brightturning on and off the lights<br />
like lightening strikes<br />
in an inky skyJillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-69405116416696939032018-06-22T15:32:00.000-04:002020-06-06T16:05:10.751-04:00PalabrasAh! There you are! I'd been wondering where you'd gone. Tried calling for you, but finding you was way too hard. I thought maybe you had vanished, into a space of time gone by, and that I'd never see you again, and it suited me just fine. A past life. A talent long forgotten. A helpless wandering of a fondness abandoned. Yet here you are, when I need you the least-- a perpetual companion of my mental disease. Search for them, will you? When you see me slipping away. My thoughts come lazily, but my words soar and stray. They betray, the turmoil. They betray the peace. They betray the laughter that serves as a fleece. A covering. A mask, a guide to pretending. All while mending an inside that's writhing and wrenching.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-38648212584747974672018-06-22T15:20:00.003-04:002020-06-06T16:05:10.747-04:00I'm Nobody -- Response"I'm Nobody -- Who are you?"<br />
I'm somebody who's wholly consumed--<br />
Who's neglected her soul all the way through--<br />
A shell of the woman you once knew.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-74496226431413314242018-06-22T15:20:00.001-04:002018-06-22T15:20:36.669-04:00Unhealthy ObsessionsThe more I want you<br />
The more I can't get enough of you<br />
The less I can breath without<br />
It's hard to go on without you.<br />
<br />
The more that I have you<br />
The emptier I get when I hold you<br />
The deeper I sink once I see you<br />
The darker I feel when I'm around you.<br />
<br />
<br />Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-37431842897547991272018-06-20T15:25:00.001-04:002020-06-06T16:05:32.529-04:00EmptyI remember when you were all that I wanted-<br />
To experience you for real,<br />
But your subtle presence<br />
Was too soft for me to feel.<br />
So I went out searching<br />
For something to stir my soul.<br />
When I left you, I was starving<br />
Yet I ended up devoured whole.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-47705776955223525172018-06-10T23:30:00.004-04:002018-06-10T23:30:37.321-04:00There was pain on the inside--<br />
A darkness so deep<br />
That the light you exuded<br />
served to keep<br />
others from seeing what was really inside<br />
so we all sat around quietly while you died.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-30538171870561046922018-06-09T21:47:00.002-04:002020-06-06T16:05:47.798-04:00chimchimCaught in a lie,<br />
its all so clear<br />
that no one believes<br />
you're being sincere.<br />
<br />
<br />Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-17738195781620253402018-05-18T19:59:00.000-04:002020-06-06T16:05:23.024-04:00Round and RoundIts all been said before--<br />
probably by me<br />
Just a brief search, and I'd find it all--<br />
This endless cycle of health and disease.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-90152470976688010172018-02-06T23:47:00.001-05:002018-02-08T08:18:49.543-05:00It Ain't PerfectI've been listening to a lot of speech<br />
Listening while they speak<br />
Wondering whether its them or me<br />
Who's got it all together<br />
Whether we're bond or free<br />
Whether we'll ever agree<br />
Tired of pretending<br />
So I let 'em be.<br />
<br />
Wondering which one is wrong<br />
All the while knowing that it Ain't me.<br />
Knowing and searching deep in my soul<br />
For an ounce of compassion; there's none that I see.<br />
<br />
Who will I be<br />
When its all said and done?<br />
denying myself<br />
Yet yearning for fun<br />
Missing my people<br />
Then wanna be alone<br />
Ain't talk to no one<br />
Won't pick up the phone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-19900656397361435122018-02-02T12:53:00.001-05:002018-02-06T23:44:11.616-05:00Pentecost It's dark in here. And very cold. A hollow sort of cold. An empty cold. With no refreshment or joyful exhilaration that makes you want to run around to stay warm. No. This is a dead cold. <br />
<br />
There are too many of us packed together in this room- we're packed together tightly and very afraid. Yet I'm lonelier than I've ever been. Like there's a void or a tear within the earth itself and all that was light, and good, and comforting is being sucked into it.<br />
<br />
He left so suddenly, and with him he took all my peace. It's not just me. And it's not just us. I think the whole world can feel this emptiness... because there is no sound. There is no movement. There is only stillness and waiting.<br />
<br />
I can hear them all breathing and occasionally someone shifts in his seat on the floor and the shallow scratch of his sandal rubbing across the clay distracts and annoys me.<br />
<br />
I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed anymore-the darkness is so complete. And every now and again there are little pinpricks of light that dart across my vision- like when one rubs his eyes too hard and causes that dull pressure in his skull to protest and send bursts of light to the back of his eye lids.<br />
<br />
There's a sound. There's a sound like the howling of a mighty wind cutting through the branches and needles of a pine forest. And it is growing louder. Unbearably loud. It's overwhelming.<br />
<br />
I keep expecting to be caught up in the storm and tossed about, but everything remains still. Except that now all of our eyes are open, and I can see their eyes because there is light. Real light. Like fire bursting upon the heads of all those around me. Flames dancing and growing- stretching and lifting toward the ceiling.<br />
<br />
We're standing now with our heads cocked back staring up at these tongues of fire that are bursting from the tops of each of our heads and uniting into one big flame. It grows brighter, grows whiter, until I'm certain we will all go blind. <br />
<br />
When our bodies are so cocked back that we are in danger of falling over backwards, the flame consumes us completely, and blasts from out the room. Surely the entire earth is engulfed in flame. Surely the whole world is consumed in fire. How long we stood there, shuddering in the light!<br />
<br />
Then the light draws back. We can feel it rushing back toward us. The wind! The howling wind! And with no sign of slowing the light enters us. Through our mouths and eyes and ears. Through our skin and our beating hearts, the light infuses us so that there are beams of light erupting from our bodies. We are glowing.<br />
<br />
Then we begin to speak. And we haven't stopped speaking. We are consumed. We are compelled.<br />
<br />
See my only relief from the fire within is to share it with you- to have you bear it along with me. For it to consume us both. For it to consume us all.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-74954721700585868672018-01-06T00:33:00.001-05:002018-01-06T00:36:12.687-05:00A momentIt took her a while to finally look down at her hand. She'd been so preoccupied she didn't even notice the blood pooling underneath her fingernail. Now that she thinks about it, her finger does smart a bit.<br />
She has a bad habit of picking at the skin around her nail--searching for a loose end that she can tear off. And once she's done it, she wonders why and vows never to do it again. <br />
<br />
She will no doubt do it again.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-83200914058882209482017-08-21T20:52:00.001-04:002018-01-06T00:11:52.206-05:00ConfessionI believe the fire is reserved for me<br />
No way around it<br />
It's hard to break free<br />
From the terrible truth<br />
That I'm not who I seem<br />
And the life that I live is not all<br />
Peaches and Cream,<br />
But anger and lies<br />
Both big and small<br />
And cravings that contrast<br />
My Heavenly call,<br />
and there's no way for me<br />
to accomplish it all:<br />
To be faithful and gentle and truthful and calm<br />
To be kind and be generous and patient and strong.<br />
And I sink with the pressure<br />
that I feel from above.<br />
So instead I confess it,<br />
And hope for the best<br />
that when it's all over<br />
that I pass the test<br />
And all of the worrying<br />
And all of the striving<br />
Was a very good effort<br />
But unnecessary writhing<br />
cause all that I needed was to confess with my lips<br />
And believe with my heart that I'm a piece of shit<br />
And that I needed a Savior who could clean up my mess<br />
And that he would accept me and love me<br />
And take care of the rest.<br />
(Funny enough I know this to be untrue<br />
because Jesus himself said,<br />
"I don't know you.<br />
If you don't do the things I say to do,<br />
you're a stranger to me,<br />
And I to you.")Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14087061.post-91891824543993932122017-08-05T21:03:00.000-04:002017-08-21T20:52:44.390-04:00Forever this way--<br />
Anxious and afraid.<br />
This is my new normal<br />
This is my day to day.Jillienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08671844420400056149noreply@blogger.com0