I'm always wondering why...
Why I get angry so quickly. Why I can't just let things slide. Why I'm so impatient.
But recently the Lord has been sending a message to me of LOVE. He's been pressing this theme upon me, and I can't just let it slip me by as if to say, "I don't have a problem with love... look at my family. I love my family"... right?
Sometimes its hard to love, or maybe I should say it this way: Sometimes its hard to love properly. Love without expectations. Love without stipulations. Love without resentment. Love immediately. Love patiently. Love kindly.
How many mothers out there can relate to loving one's child impatiently??? A LOT right!
BUT how about loving one's child resentfully? Not so much, I'm sure.
Although I there are probably many reasons I am the way I am, including my upbringing and my parents' style of child rearing, I can't help but wonder if my own resentment at getting pregnant at such a young age and all the depression and havoc it initially caused in my life have anything to do with how I behave today? Maybe I'm still holding on to the “old days.”
But I think the Lord knows my heart; He knows how desperately I want to succeed as a parent and wife, and He's trying to help. Recently I believe God has sent me clues as to how to defeat these dark moments. How to forgive the world and forgive my circumstances and forgive my husband and forgive my child even though they are guiltless.
How? Ephesians 4! that's how! But I'll go backwards Starting from the hardest and most important to the daily requirements of proper love....
32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.
First Forgive! Make a conscience decision every day to forgive ahead of time. Before any fault is committed, they are forgiven. They are forgiven immediately and without need of repayment. Just as we live in the complete forgiveness of the LORD.
Second let it all go! All the hurts. All the ill will. All the resentment and anger. Let it slip from you. Write a letter. Have a talk. Pray on it. Just do it. Start fresh every morning. Make no record of wrongdoing. Clean slate every day.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
I am the queen of mean. Sometimes I say the most hurtful things because I'm angry.
We are not justified to sin even if our anger is justified. Wanna be a better person? Learn how to hold your tongue. Learn some self control.
Finally after all this:
16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Now this post is in no way a testament of how wise I am, nor am I a psychoanalyst who has some sort of insight into these types of things. No Way! I am just a woman who has been desperately praying and begging the Lord to aid her in her life, and who the Lord has guided to this one central message: LOVE. Just love unconditionally and without any hint of resentment because of the past or anger or impatience. And it goes for all of my relationships. Not just as a mother, but as a wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law, cousin, friend, and acquaintance.
And why am I sharing all this? Because I can't be the only one.
I've been receiving this message for about a week, (its probably been longer and I just wasn't listening but now that I am, already I'm better!) I remind myself in the morning to relax, to not overreact, to behave lovingly, and then I try my best to fulfill that goal for my day. And I feel the anger slipping away. (sometimes I do mess up) but I start again. And I'm hoping that this becomes a life long change for me.