Where did you go?

Jimmy—the late night chats about nothing at all! We're married with children, we've got it all. One day it's perfect, the next day you're gone. 

David—a beautiful voice. a beautiful soul. a friend who was with me in the lowest of lows. Then one fateful call to tell me you're sick. Then never again. You were gone. That was it. 

Stephen—childhood together. Adulthood apart. connected through socials; I thought you had it all. Then all on your own, you took it all away. And it rips me inside, to this very day. 

Arthur—A downward spiral, I never saw coming. Potential and worthiness that flowed like a fountain. Bad relationships, one after another. An accident that took you away forever. 

Emily—Sweet and gentle, you were one of a kind. A love, a marriage, a tumor, good bye.

Wiwi—An angel on earth. That's the only way to put it. You were my world. You were mine, but I didn't deserve it. An angel in heaven, a saint you should be. The most perfect woman to live, my abuelita, Wiwi.

Stillness

Sometimes I sit 

Still and Alone; silent and forlorn 

with only my memories to keep me warm. 

Why I write...

My heart pounds in my sleep

Anxious even while I dream

The shortness of breath 

Startles me awake

This is how I start the day. 

The Vast Empty

There’s a vast emptiness within my soul-

My mind a sieve of creative control. 

Long gone are the words and the scenes it would mold

Into works of art and stories untold. 

I used to burst with colors and sounds

Yearning for music, and companionship, and crowds.

But today it is only loneliness that surrounds

My waking moments, where even my dreams are bound. 

Forever Wounds

 Its been a while since I wrote to you,

Felt ashamed and guilty, even though what I said was true.

Let the words hang in the air and wither there

Like a noose around my neck with my heart laid bare.

I'd come back every now and again to check if they were still there

Wishing there scars instead of the open wounds that we share. 

But like I expected, we are still bleeding

The cuts will remain while our hearts are still beating.

An Update

There's very little left of me
Very hollow and alone
No boredom or excitement
No God, no family, no home

Just an empty mind
With empty thoughts
An empty heart
With empty slots
Empty shelves
Collecting dust
A once shiny locket
turned to rust.

Far from home

I live a 1000 miles from home. No family except for those I’ve grown- Fostered relationships built on not wanting to be alone. Far from the streets filled music & mayhem, And plenty of Jazz and Booze to erase any memories that plague ‘em.

Soul Search: truth talk

I hide away my sins and shame--
Hoping I can keep living how I'm living for just one more day.
Tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow I will change.
Then add a 1 and tomorrow becomes today.
The wish remains the same
In an endless circle,
Tomorrow fades away.

GAD?

My mind goes in and out sometimes--
Like an old VCR tape,
It pauses.
It rewinds.
It skips.
And lunges forward,
But unfortunately
My body rarely follows.
Then suddenly it comes crashing back toward me--
Usually knocking me over.
And I'm scared.
And I'm sad.
And I'm hollowed.

words, words, words

It feels like just yesterday
I was sitting all alone
In a crowded room
Full of strangers
And really far from home.

I remember all the words
Slowly but smoothly flowing forth
And the subtle relief of seeing you
After having feared the worst.

Then not again until today
Did I stop long enough to see
If you would come to me again
Or simply abandon me.

Love Letters

Always, XXX
Yours, XXX
That's how you would say goodbye
In the letters you wrote to me
In those memories I left behind.

When you left

I had some time to sit today
Quietly outside,
Though the voices and the noises
Trickled from inside.

And in the noisy silence
My tears began to fall
As thoughts of who you were to me
I suddenly recalled.

There was a time when I believed
You were my only friend,
And because of that friendship
I would stick it out till the end.
-Until it were all over
-Until Jesus came again

When I felt attacked and betrayed
You were the one I called.
I said if it were only us two
I knew we could withstand it all.

Into the gates of Hell
I'd follow right behind you.
My trusted leader and friend,
I thought I'd never be without you.

You can't imagine the pain I felt
When you threw the towel in.
The abandonment, the anger,
The fear I felt within.

I see you every now and then.
We run into each other once in a while.
It's hard to even look at you.
It's hard to fake a smile.

I wish I didn't feel this way.
I've kept this all inside for years.
So maybe this is my way of letting go--
My words to help me heal.

Dimminy

I find myself in constant pain because of you.
My heart breaking with thoughts of you.
To know what you're feeling and going through
Would either ease my suffering or it renew.

bright

turning on and off the lights
like lightening strikes
in an inky sky

Palabras

Ah! There you are! I'd been wondering where you'd gone. Tried calling for you, but finding you was way too hard. I thought maybe you had vanished, into a space of time gone by, and that I'd never see you again, and it suited me just fine. A past life. A talent long forgotten. A helpless wandering of a fondness abandoned. Yet here you are, when I need you the least-- a perpetual companion of my mental disease. Search for them, will you? When you see me slipping away. My thoughts come lazily, but my words soar and stray. They betray, the turmoil. They betray the peace. They betray the laughter that serves as a fleece. A covering. A mask, a guide to pretending. All while mending an inside that's writhing and wrenching.

I'm Nobody -- Response

"I'm Nobody -- Who are you?"
I'm somebody who's wholly consumed--
Who's neglected her soul all the way through--
A shell of the woman you once knew.

Empty

I remember when you were all that I wanted-
To experience you for real,
But your subtle presence
Was too soft for me to feel.
So I went out searching
For something to stir my soul.
When I left you, I was starving
Yet I ended up devoured whole.

chimchim

Caught in a lie,
its all so clear
that no one believes
you're being sincere.

Round and Round

Its all been said before--
probably by me
Just a brief search, and I'd find it all--
This endless cycle of health and disease.

Pentecost

It's dark in here. And very cold. A hollow sort of cold. An empty cold. With no refreshment or joyful exhilaration that makes you want to run around to stay warm. No. This is a dead cold.

There are too many of us packed together in this room- we're packed together tightly and very afraid. Yet I'm lonelier than I've ever been. Like there's a void or a tear within the earth itself and all that was light, and good, and comforting is being sucked into it.

He left so suddenly, and with him he took all my peace. It's not just me. And it's not just us. I think the whole world can feel this emptiness... because there is no sound. There is no movement. There is only stillness and waiting.

I can hear them all breathing and occasionally someone shifts in his seat on the floor and the shallow scratch of his sandal rubbing across the clay distracts and annoys me.

I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed anymore-the darkness is so complete. And every now and again there are little pinpricks of light that dart across my vision- like when one rubs his eyes too hard and causes that dull pressure in his skull to protest and send bursts of light to the back of his eye lids.

There's a sound. There's a sound like the howling of a mighty wind cutting through the branches and needles of a pine forest. And it is growing louder. Unbearably loud. It's overwhelming.

I keep expecting to be caught up in the storm and tossed about, but everything remains still. Except that now all of our eyes are open, and I can see their eyes because there is light. Real light. Like fire bursting upon the heads of all those around me. Flames dancing and growing- stretching and lifting toward the ceiling.

We're standing now with our heads cocked back staring up at these tongues of fire that are bursting from the tops of each of our heads and uniting into one big flame. It grows brighter, grows whiter, until I'm certain we will all go blind.

When our bodies are so cocked back that we are in danger of falling over backwards, the flame consumes us completely, and blasts from out the room. Surely the entire earth is engulfed in flame. Surely the whole world is consumed in fire. How long we stood there, shuddering in the light!

Then the light draws back. We can feel it rushing back toward us. The wind! The howling wind! And with no sign of slowing the light enters us. Through our mouths and eyes and ears. Through our skin and our beating hearts, the light infuses us so that there are beams of light erupting from our bodies. We are glowing.

Then we begin to speak. And we haven't stopped speaking. We are consumed. We are compelled.

See my only relief from the fire within is to share it with you- to have you bear it along with me. For it to consume us both. For it to consume us all.