Saturday, August 20, 2011

I see the world through broken glass.

I remember its once perfect curve.
The dull shine of the mid morning sun.
The crisp, clean looking-glass visions.
And then
Small chips appeared in the smooth surface.
Barely noticeable chips.
All due to small traumas.
And because I neglected these injuries
The glass became susceptible.
And when a bit of heat was applied
It cracked.
Long noticeable cracks on the surface.
Making my already defected glass
Obvious for all to see.
Then as I adjusted to this blemish....
And behaved as if it didn't matter
The cold came.
And more fractures
And longer scars across the surface of my glass
So that today
I see the world through broken glass.
And when the sun hits it just right
It sends sharp bright shards of light into my eyes
Blinding me as I attempt to safely make it home.
I see the world through broken glass,
And have yet decided if it's worth the investment.
Worth the time
Worth the effort
To fix it.
Delve

Friday, August 19, 2011

I know it is not enough

There has to be more I can do.

I want prepare my daughter for school and help her become brilliant--while being too tired to think and too stressed from my day that I barely have an ounce of patience.

What do I do? Sometimes I think that my job costs me more than it provides.

But if i stop dreaming and start thinking objectively.... will I have been able to provide Lia with more? Would my house really be cleaner? Would Lia be able to count to 20 by now?

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have taken that time for granted. Or just become more selfish and want more independence.

Knowing me---it would have been a little bit of both.

I think this year I've spent working has shown me how precious Lia is. And how the time I spend with her are treasures.

Maybe I'll be a better mother now because I want to be so badly--because being away from her and wanting her to have so much more has shown me how much I've dropped the ball.

They say its all about the quality time--not the quantity of time... that is what i need to work on. Quality. I find that I being so impatient and tired affects my quality.

I need to be better.

I need to be more patient.
More calm.
More consistent.
More attentive.

More...