2 COR 12 5-10

A year ago I visited this verse. And  I sit here tonight thinking about it again. but this time I'm focusing on just the first bit:

⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 


I honestly feel like I've adopted this into my life, and I really do try to only boast about my weaknesses--even to the point of being slightly self-deprecating. But I've run across a couple of people in my life who enjoy patronizing... who enjoy making "fun"... who enjoy feeling like they got it right, and to tell you the truth it is TICKING ME OFF.


If I were to run my mouth about myself or my family, I would be no fool and could run it for a while without exaggerating the truth one bit, and when faced with these types of people it almost pushes me to do so.


Ever meet someone or a couple of someones who always have the snappy remark or the rolling of the eyes or the facetious "Yeeaaahh ooookaaay...."? As a Christian you wonder, how do I deal with this!?  Its so passive. Nothing outright rude--just little subtle jabs.  I feel like I would rather people be agressive about their feelings and spew it on out so I can handle it with equal force than the gnawing agitation that passive agressive people make me feel.


Although not in the same context this is what it makes me think of:


Revelation 3:16 (New King James Version)

¹⁶ So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.


Can I get an AMEN!?


Out with it! Your lukewarm-ness disgusts me. And what's worse is that it comes from within. It comes from one's mind and heart... the genuine feeling that the other person is an idiot, or is not as "good" as I am--and when I say good I mean in a moral sense... I'm just such a GOOD person that I would have never said or done or felt that, or didn't do something the Right way, which of course had I done it.... it would have been the right way.


Now don't get me wrong. I can be like this too sometimes, and I'm sure I've been this "lukewarm" person to someone. And because I don't want anyone to think more of me than is warranted, I'll just say this prayer:


"Lord, help my heart. It is not enough to hold one's tongue, but to wipe the ugly thoughts out of one's very MIND, Lord. Aid me in my struggle to be a beacon of your love so that no one, my family, friends, strangers, co-workers will ever feel this way because of my words or my behaviors or my thoughts toward them. 


In your mighty name I pray!"

The night before

The night before it all happens.
The smells,
The laughs,
The words...
I can't sleep with the very pulse of it all
bursting through the
Anticipatory air.

Delved

Until it pours again...

It pours on me
sometimes.
The skies open...
on purpose, I'm convinced.
And I'm gasping for a single breath
without choking on it all.
And the drops pelt every inch of me.
Until I can not bear another sensation
On my skin.
I feel like clawing at my body with the very
maddening nature of it all.
Then with an almost audible snap
it shuts.
I dry slowly with time,
Then just to be cruel--
am not given a single drop more--
till my dryness is slightly uncomfortable.
Then nearly unbearable.
Where all my skin feels chapped.
And I imagine that all of it will chip away.
And I'm completely stagnant
Not wanting to move for fear of drying out further.
It's then that I think of you.

Delve

YIKES!

Its been almost a month since I've had something to say. How does life just fly away from you like that?

I've been studying Esther with a group of women from our Church.  Its been a pretty amazing ride, although I do feel some added pressure in its success as a group considering that I'm the "group leader" for this session and its being held at my house. Lately we've had some low numbers and I can't help but wonder if it is because of the study I chose or my style of leading the study. I hope that I can maintain an engaging spirit and add some depth to a short but powerful book in the bible.

I'm still singing worship, although each time I go up there I feel more embarrassed than the time before. I feel every mistake and ill-prepared vocal.  But imagine if I can't find time to write (which is my passion) then how can I sit long enough to rehearse.  I pray so desperately when I'm on stage for the holy Spirit to just take over and let Him move the souls of the congregation because relying on my vocals and preparation sure as heck won't be enough.

I'm still working hard as an insurance agent. I spend the majority of my awake hours there, and I wonder how in the WORLD am I going to keep this up? How am I going to continue with the stress of trying to be successful at marketing and sales. How am I going to continue with the time away from my daughter? How am I going to continue getting up early and having to dress up in suit and heels and do my hair and make up every darn day of my life?! But then its Monday again, and I get in my routine, and I power through it somehow... Just yearning for the weekend.

Friday I leave for a women's conference called Women of Faith.  And while I am excited,  I've also been thinking "here's another thing I've decided to do and another day away from my daughter." When am I going to just focus on her? I feel like its been so long since I've devoted myself entirely to my family. In Louisiana I had so many distractions from my family that it was starting to rip us apart. Now I'm working to sustain my family and to help my husband with the burden of our finances. I'm participating in Church because I love God and hunger to soak up his Spirit. And even these things, which I do with the best of intentions, consume my time and attention.  I want to be a better mother. I just don't know how.