What it was I couldn't even begin to tell you, but when I say that I didn't want to talk--I'm being sincere. Not this flaky, "I don't wanna talk about it" kind of thing, but of the most basic conversational level. I had nothing to say. Every word of mine in response to someone else was scrutinized with such intensity that I would let it just evaporate into nothingness--- simply not reply. My usual social butterfly self has been a recluse and a mute as of late.
But something happened last night--I spoke. for 2 hours. to my friend. and I needed it.
And although I don't feel at 100%, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to realize how rude I may have been behaving toward my friends. And they deserve my replies....
Let me just say how incredibly RUDE I think it is to send someone an email or leave him/her a voicemail to not receive a single acknowledgment that it was even read or heard. I do NOT want to be that person, but I found myself slipping into that just out of indifference.
No more. I cannot allow myself to be that type of person, and I have been to so many. Texts never answered, emails never replied, calls never returned. I hope my friends will forgive me for my silence.
*****I wrote this about two weeks ago, and the fact that I'm just now publishing it goes to show how recluse I've become************
and then *I* spoke.
ReplyDeleteI read this about a week or so after you posted it and wanted so badly to reply and tell you similarly I felt and how much I understood. Except, I was still being afflicted. My e-mails piled up, the phone rang (and I have received some highly annoyed voicemails from friends) and many things I found important were now lying untouched and unread.
I am coming out if it now, I think hence finally commenting. I think that, in large part, I was being swallowed up by unexpectedly becoming a stay at home mom. Now that my son is older and much more independent, I am finding more "me" time and feeling less like I got swallowed into isolation.
I love your words. It has been a long time since our classes together but you were one of my favorite people that I met at that school. I enjoy your art but even moreso, I enjoy how open you are with your heart. Reading this helped me recognize what I was doing and that I certainly did not want to leave or lose the friends I have that care about me.
I totally understand Drea. even as i wrote this, i couldn't go into the depths of silence that i was experiencing. Every word was taxing. I remember being unexpectedly a stay-at-home-mom, and it was one of the most difficult times in my life. You are so brave to have recognized it so quickly. I'm here.
ReplyDeleteI loved getting to know you and witnessing your awesome talents throughout college. You were part of what made olhcc wonderful. I'm so happy to have met you. Congratulations on your family. And SoooOOoOOOoooo relieved to read that you are coming out of your funk.