When you left

I had some time to sit today
Quietly outside,
Though the voices and the noises
Trickled from inside.

And in the noisy silence
My tears began to fall
As thoughts of who you were to me
I suddenly recalled.

There was a time when I believed
You were my only friend,
And because of that friendship
I would stick it out till the end.
-Until it were all over
-Until Jesus came again

When I felt attacked and betrayed
You were the one I called.
I said if it were only us two
I knew we could withstand it all.

Into the gates of Hell
I'd follow right behind you.
My trusted leader and friend,
I thought I'd never be without you.

You can't imagine the pain I felt
When you threw the towel in.
The abandonment, the anger,
The fear I felt within.

I see you every now and then.
We run into each other once in a while.
It's hard to even look at you.
It's hard to fake a smile.

I wish I didn't feel this way.
I've kept this all inside for years.
So maybe this is my way of letting go--
My words to help me heal.

Dimminy

I find myself in constant pain because of you.
My heart breaking with thoughts of you.
To know what you're feeling and going through
Would either ease my suffering or it renew.

With both hands he turned M's entire body around and pushed his shoulders against the wall. "GOD DAMNIT! ENOUGH!" Hitting the wall beside M's face with his open hand causing a loud slap to echo throughout the room--startling them both. And with that the tears welled in his eyes. The anger that he felt toward M transformed into fear and despair, and collapsing on his knees he whispered, "Stop. Stop being like this. Stop being so cold."

She fell down. Well kind of. She sort of tripped down the stairs making a series of loud booms as the heel of her right foot slipped off the edge of each of the stairs. Thankfully there were only 3 or so, and she landed safely on the floor with both feet.

But it was the sound that caught his attention. Mid sentence, he snapped his head toward that sound, toward her. His eyes searching her face and her body for a sign that she was hurt, but he couldn't catch her eyes. So he called out as he rushed toward her--unthoughtful of those with whom he was chatting with a moment before. "Are you okay?" Arm stretched out, reaching. "Are you okay?" He repeated softer, closer. "I'm okay." she sighed, slightly embarrassed but more surprised by his attention.

Then just like that, laughter from friends near by, a girlfriend grabs her hand, and they walk away together. They giggle, and she tells the story of how she tripped down the stairs. They had all heard the booms. Plenty of jokes about her clumsiness ensue.

He turns away after a moment-laughing to himself and walking back to talk once more with those he had abandoned. They barely noticed the intermission. There was nothing remarkable about the exchange. Just a brief pause in an otherwise normal and forgettable day.

bright

turning on and off the lights
like lightening strikes
in an inky sky

Palabras

Ah! There you are! I'd been wondering where you'd gone. Tried calling for you, but finding you was way too hard. I thought maybe you had vanished, into a space of time gone by, and that I'd never see you again, and it suited me just fine. A past life. A talent long forgotten. A helpless wandering of a fondness abandoned. Yet here you are, when I need you the least-- a perpetual companion of my mental disease. Search for them, will you? When you see me slipping away. My thoughts come lazily, but my words soar and stray. They betray, the turmoil. They betray the peace. They betray the laughter that serves as a fleece. A covering. A mask, a guide to pretending. All while mending an inside that's writhing and wrenching.

I'm Nobody -- Response

"I'm Nobody -- Who are you?"
I'm somebody who's wholly consumed--
Who's neglected her soul all the way through--
A shell of the woman you once knew.

Unhealthy Obsessions

The more I want you
The more I can't get enough of you
The less I can breath without
It's hard to go on without you.

The more that I have you
The emptier I get when I hold you
The deeper I sink once I see you
The darker I feel when I'm around you.

Empty

I remember when you were all that I wanted-
To experience you for real,
But your subtle presence
Was too soft for me to feel.
So I went out searching
For something to stir my soul.
When I left you, I was starving
Yet I ended up devoured whole.

There was pain on the inside--
A darkness so deep
That the light you exuded
served to keep
others from seeing what was really inside
so we all sat around quietly while you died.

chimchim

Caught in a lie,
its all so clear
that no one believes
you're being sincere.

Round and Round

Its all been said before--
probably by me
Just a brief search, and I'd find it all--
This endless cycle of health and disease.

It Ain't Perfect

I've been listening to a lot of speech
Listening while they speak
Wondering whether its them or me
Who's got it all together
Whether we're bond or free
Whether we'll ever agree
Tired of pretending
So I let 'em be.

Wondering which one is wrong
All the while knowing that it Ain't me.
Knowing and searching deep in my soul
For an ounce of compassion; there's none that I see.

Who will I be
When its all said and done?
denying myself
Yet yearning for fun
Missing my people
Then wanna be alone
Ain't talk to no one
Won't pick up the phone.

Pentecost

It's dark in here. And very cold. A hollow sort of cold. An empty cold. With no refreshment or joyful exhilaration that makes you want to run around to stay warm. No. This is a dead cold.

There are too many of us packed together in this room- we're packed together tightly and very afraid. Yet I'm lonelier than I've ever been. Like there's a void or a tear within the earth itself and all that was light, and good, and comforting is being sucked into it.

He left so suddenly, and with him he took all my peace. It's not just me. And it's not just us. I think the whole world can feel this emptiness... because there is no sound. There is no movement. There is only stillness and waiting.

I can hear them all breathing and occasionally someone shifts in his seat on the floor and the shallow scratch of his sandal rubbing across the clay distracts and annoys me.

I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed anymore-the darkness is so complete. And every now and again there are little pinpricks of light that dart across my vision- like when one rubs his eyes too hard and causes that dull pressure in his skull to protest and send bursts of light to the back of his eye lids.

There's a sound. There's a sound like the howling of a mighty wind cutting through the branches and needles of a pine forest. And it is growing louder. Unbearably loud. It's overwhelming.

I keep expecting to be caught up in the storm and tossed about, but everything remains still. Except that now all of our eyes are open, and I can see their eyes because there is light. Real light. Like fire bursting upon the heads of all those around me. Flames dancing and growing- stretching and lifting toward the ceiling.

We're standing now with our heads cocked back staring up at these tongues of fire that are bursting from the tops of each of our heads and uniting into one big flame. It grows brighter, grows whiter, until I'm certain we will all go blind.

When our bodies are so cocked back that we are in danger of falling over backwards, the flame consumes us completely, and blasts from out the room. Surely the entire earth is engulfed in flame. Surely the whole world is consumed in fire. How long we stood there, shuddering in the light!

Then the light draws back. We can feel it rushing back toward us. The wind! The howling wind! And with no sign of slowing the light enters us. Through our mouths and eyes and ears. Through our skin and our beating hearts, the light infuses us so that there are beams of light erupting from our bodies. We are glowing.

Then we begin to speak. And we haven't stopped speaking. We are consumed. We are compelled.

See my only relief from the fire within is to share it with you- to have you bear it along with me. For it to consume us both. For it to consume us all.

A moment

It took her a while to finally look down at her hand. She'd been so preoccupied she didn't even notice the blood pooling underneath her fingernail. Now that she thinks about it, her finger does smart a bit.
She has a bad habit of picking at the skin around her nail--searching for a loose end that she can tear off. And once she's done it, she wonders why and vows never to do it again.

She will no doubt do it again.