CAPTAIN BIG TITS McCOY

i was talking to a friend last night and i really got to thinking about my past. when i was in highschool i was really very happy. and i think that because i was really happy i laughed a lot. everything was so funny, i would laugh until my abs hurt. [i had a laughing spell last night which what made me think about it] but i honestly couldnt remember the last time i laughed that incredibly hard. i had a friend named kellen and another named ivonne in highschool and grade school. with the both of them life was just a little more spicy* for lack of a better word* it was funnier. maybe its just this year of my life. its been super hard. because i remember a year ago i was chilling with robbie and we would laugh like that. and it was good.we had friends and nicknames [i'm the captain at your service] and it was younger and funner[its not a word] and funnier, and the whole world was infront of us. but this year i have lost so much that its hard to think about ever being that alive and happy and free. maybe i'll get over it.

going to go see the chee weez tomorrow at the varsity! yay

Business Proposal

so i got proposed to[marriage proposal] tonight by someone who only wants to marry me b/c he's a marine and can get free housing--> a contract marriage. i can already hear the wedding bells in the distance...

books... to hell with them

maybe fiction is the boring part. fantasy the turn off. imagination the frivolous task. but why cant people just pick up a book? is it so hard not to  hear anymore... like not hear the words... like not turn on the television... like not watch the movie based on the 1978 novel? book on tape, book on screen, book in flames [451 degrees thats all it takes.] sometimes real life can be more irrational, more incomprehensible, more cruel, and unforgiving than anything one could ever imagine, BUT why have to WATCH it. one can feel without having to observe or watch. i can emote a murder without witnessing one on the silver screen. books can bring passion, torture, love, loneliness, etc a life of their own that is only minimalized when being materialized.

reality are us

ever stop and think why people are so curious to read, watch, observe, snoop in other people's lives. this american infactuation with reality as if their own reality isn't enough 'real' for them. I'm the same way. i love to look through everyone's blogger just to see how someone else thinks and writes and spells and jokes. its cute and its candid which is why i like it. i like the fact that unless i comment they probably wont know i read them. when we type anyone can read. strangers who barely care....

not much to say:

sooooo my aunt needed my car again and i lent it to her. now im carless again and i'm bored. all day i've been bored hehe. its cool though. hopefully i get a ride to the br. it would be cool to have something to do.

I miss Bryan

i miss doing quirky things in the middle of the night in the name of spontaneity. i find it sad knowing how much fun we had together and how it all went away. *tear*

CHRISTIAN

christian is a beautiful man and a wonderful boyfriend who spends his life trying to make me happy and living for me. he deserves perfection. i miss being perfect for you christian

friendly strangers

Lately many people that i had written off in my life are coming back... it is so strange trying to talk to someone that knows SO MUCH about your life because you shared a lot of it with them, but have been pretending as if that person is a complete stranger or doesnt exist. wow starting over... or maybe it isnt starting over for me; maybe it just a continuation but just in a different way. we could never be the way we were so we are going to have to settle for the way we are.

FIRST FIG

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends---
It gives a lovely light!

----Edna St. Vincent Millay

there are those that try to make me happy, and they do a good job........ really. its just that there are so many things on my mind. so many different factors that act upon my emotions that it is difficult to choose one emotion and stick with it. in general i would say that i'm a happy person and that there are certain aspects of my life that i am unhappy about: it just so happens that those certain aspects are HUGE circumstances that weigh heavily upon my emotions. i am surprised, actually, when i think of the people in my life that want me to be happy, i feel like i hurt so many people that by now i should have run out of helpful souls. i love and appreciate my friends and my loves and my family. i barely deserve such attention and delicacy.

To Robbie

no we havent spoken in a long time. i think since February... can you believe it almost a year kinda? we were best friends but things change... i hope you are well. i wish you well. its interesting that you found this blogger but its cool if you read. i welcome everyone i know to read.

peace easy robbie

i've really been out of it lately. sad and happy, confused and clear everything and anything :) but i'm getting better. i've been chilling in baton rouge a lot. i'm really starting to get freaked out knowing that school is just around the corner. i havent gone to a class since august and that was only like 3 classes. what if i really mess up my grades from lack of education? if you know me you know that my gpa is the most important thing to me right now. i hope i do well. i need to get back to a routine; back to normality

LOTS OF NEW PICS ON MY PIC PAGE CLICK HERE

**Remember the link for the picture page is always at the bottom of the left sidebar :)

i hate it

some dude: listen to this... one time we all went to Nicaragua and decided to go clubbing but outside the club we almost got in a fight with a whole bunch of mexicans

Jillien: there were mexicans in nicaragua!?!?

i honestly didnt know he meant nicaraguans... but isnt that funny? if you are latino you are considered by many to be mexican even if you are in nicaragua or maybe honduras or perhaps guatemala, costa rica, belize, el salvador, panama, columbia, argentina, venezuela, etc etc etc there are many different countries. and we are all called different things. i mean just because you are from north america are you called canadian? i mean its cool but at the same time its not?

Lance Corporal Underground

christian just called me. we were on the phone for about an hour. i think i cried like 75% of the time. he got promoted yesterday. YAY! and he misses me. he says that i'm the only thing that gets him through the days; "knowing that we are going to be happy." i'm still crying as i'm typing this. i know you know why.