The day the music died

My dad died a couple of weeks ago. He was a huge music lover and for years I paid for his Apple Music plan just so he could listen to any song he ever wanted whenever he wanted. He loved looking up artists and sending people songs. It was one of his great joys. Toward the end of his life, I would play his music while he laid in the hospital bed. Even though he was weak and could barely speak, he would bob his head when a song he liked played, and he would even say the artist and title as best he could. When he finally passed away, and he and I were alone together in the room, the room was silent, which I know he’d have hated, and so of course I immediately on his Apple Music. Just me and my dad and his music. Music was infused in every moment of his life until the end and beyond. But there was one point about a week before he died that his music wouldn’t play. Everything had suddenly stopped. Apparently Apple Music had increased their pricing, and I had to accept the cost before the music would play again, which I promptly did and the room filled once again with his tunes. I know it sounds irrational but I totally resented Apple Music in that moment. Like how dare they! Don’t they know what we’re going through? Now he’s gone and I’m faced with closing out all his accounts, this subscription looms over me. I learned that you lose all the history once you cancel. Which makes sense but damn it hurts. I know I can simply screenshot it and send it to myself but this is only one tiny example of the little parts of him that are leaving me. So funny how this subscription that I resented so much in that moment, is killing me to cancel.

How you speak to me: Tinkerbell

Its the the tip tapping

of your claws on the hardwood

Signaling alarm:

Your flare in the dark

The whisper before you bark

How you speak to me. 

Who I want to be

 One day I'll be

cleaner

nicer

professional organizer

retired

empty nester

nest egg

investor 

Mother

Mee maw

Wife

Hee haw

rodeo

bangkok

Manhattan

Heaven

Good times

Bad times

funny times

good living.

Habits

Once upon a time,

I was a writer

an online apologist fighter

worshipper 

church goer

Now I'm a chronically online

brain rot

loner. 

Where did you go?

Jimmy—the late night chats about nothing at all! We're married with children, we've got it all. One day it's perfect, the next day you're gone. 

David—a beautiful voice. a beautiful soul. a friend who was with me in the lowest of lows. Then one fateful call to tell me you're sick. Then never again. You were gone. That was it. 

Stephen—childhood together. Adulthood apart. connected through socials; I thought you had it all. Then all on your own, you took it all away. And it rips me inside, to this very day. 

Arthur—A downward spiral, I never saw coming. Potential and worthiness that flowed like a fountain. Bad relationships, one after another. An accident that took you away forever. 

Emily—Sweet and gentle, you were one of a kind. A love, a marriage, a tumor, good bye.

Wiwi—An angel on earth. That's the only way to put it. You were my world. You were mine, but I didn't deserve it. An angel in heaven, a saint you should be. The most perfect woman to live, my abuelita, Wiwi.

Stillness

Sometimes I sit 

Still and Alone; silent and forlorn 

with only my memories to keep me warm. 

Why I write...

My heart pounds in my sleep

Anxious even while I dream

The shortness of breath 

Startles me awake

This is how I start the day. 

The Vast Empty

There’s a vast emptiness within my soul-

My mind a sieve of creative control. 

Long gone are the words and the scenes it would mold

Into works of art and stories untold. 

I used to burst with colors and sounds

Yearning for music, and companionship, and crowds.

But today it is only loneliness that surrounds

My waking moments, where even my dreams are bound. 

Forever Wounds

 Its been a while since I wrote to you,

Felt ashamed and guilty, even though what I said was true.

Let the words hang in the air and wither there

Like a noose around my neck with my heart laid bare.

I'd come back every now and again to check if they were still there

Wishing there scars instead of the open wounds that we share. 

But like I expected, we are still bleeding

The cuts will remain while our hearts are still beating.

An Update

There's very little left of me
Very hollow and alone
No boredom or excitement
No God, no family, no home

Just an empty mind
With empty thoughts
An empty heart
With empty slots
Empty shelves
Collecting dust
A once shiny locket
turned to rust.

"shallow" conversation

This video popped up on my youtube suggested videos and I was reminded of the many conversations I've had with my introverted friends about their hate of small talk and shallow conversations. As an extrovert, I'm not always comfortable talking about my darkest fears and deepest desires right when I first meet someone and use small talk as a way to make small connections that can help me get to know someone before moving on to deeper topics. Something as simple as commenting on your shoes is a way for me to know more about you. Like the video says, it's best if you not answer every question literally: Hey are those new shoes? Yes. [end chat] 

Honestly the other day someone mentioned my black on black converses, which led me to talking about how I bought them during my first trip to New York and a concert I attended at Citi Field. After which, he shared his own NY experiences. 

This video was so fascinating because it explained the intentions behind these seemingly "shallow" questions. 

Far from home

I live a 1000 miles from home. No family except for those I’ve grown- Fostered relationships built on not wanting to be alone. Far from the streets filled music & mayhem, And plenty of Jazz and Booze to erase any memories that plague ‘em.

Soul Search: truth talk

I hide away my sins and shame--
Hoping I can keep living how I'm living for just one more day.
Tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow I will change.
Then add a 1 and tomorrow becomes today.
The wish remains the same
In an endless circle,
Tomorrow fades away.

GAD?

My mind goes in and out sometimes--
Like an old VCR tape,
It pauses.
It rewinds.
It skips.
And lunges forward,
But unfortunately
My body rarely follows.
Then suddenly it comes crashing back toward me--
Usually knocking me over.
And I'm scared.
And I'm sad.
And I'm hollowed.

words, words, words

It feels like just yesterday
I was sitting all alone
In a crowded room
Full of strangers
And really far from home.

I remember all the words
Slowly but smoothly flowing forth
And the subtle relief of seeing you
After having feared the worst.

Then not again until today
Did I stop long enough to see
If you would come to me again
Or simply abandon me.

Love Letters

Always, XXX
Yours, XXX
That's how you would say goodbye
In the letters you wrote to me
In those memories I left behind.

When you left

I had some time to sit today
Quietly outside,
Though the voices and the noises
Trickled from inside.

And in the noisy silence
My tears began to fall
As thoughts of who you were to me
I suddenly recalled.

There was a time when I believed
You were my only friend,
And because of that friendship
I would stick it out till the end.
-Until it were all over
-Until Jesus came again

When I felt attacked and betrayed
You were the one I called.
I said if it were only us two
I knew we could withstand it all.

Into the gates of Hell
I'd follow right behind you.
My trusted leader and friend,
I thought I'd never be without you.

You can't imagine the pain I felt
When you threw the towel in.
The abandonment, the anger,
The fear I felt within.

I see you every now and then.
We run into each other once in a while.
It's hard to even look at you.
It's hard to fake a smile.

I wish I didn't feel this way.
I've kept this all inside for years.
So maybe this is my way of letting go--
My words to help me heal.

Dimminy

I find myself in constant pain because of you.
My heart breaking with thoughts of you.
To know what you're feeling and going through
Would either ease my suffering or it renew.

With both hands he turned M's entire body around and pushed his shoulders against the wall. "GOD DAMNIT! ENOUGH!" Hitting the wall beside M's face with his open hand causing a loud slap to echo throughout the room--startling them both. And with that the tears welled in his eyes. The anger that he felt toward M transformed into fear and despair, and collapsing on his knees he whispered, "Stop. Stop being like this. Stop being so cold."

She fell down. Well kind of. She sort of tripped down the stairs making a series of loud booms as the heel of her right foot slipped off the edge of each of the stairs. Thankfully there were only 3 or so, and she landed safely on the floor with both feet.

But it was the sound that caught his attention. Mid sentence, he snapped his head toward that sound, toward her. His eyes searching her face and her body for a sign that she was hurt, but he couldn't catch her eyes. So he called out as he rushed toward her--unthoughtful of those with whom he was chatting with a moment before. "Are you okay?" Arm stretched out, reaching. "Are you okay?" He repeated softer, closer. "I'm okay." she sighed, slightly embarrassed but more surprised by his attention.

Then just like that, laughter from friends near by, a girlfriend grabs her hand, and they walk away together. They giggle, and she tells the story of how she tripped down the stairs. They had all heard the booms. Plenty of jokes about her clumsiness ensue.

He turns away after a moment-laughing to himself and walking back to talk once more with those he had abandoned. They barely noticed the intermission. There was nothing remarkable about the exchange. Just a brief pause in an otherwise normal and forgettable day.