Stillness

Sometimes I sit 

Still and Alone; silent and forlorn 

with only my memories to keep me warm. 

Why I write...

My heart pounds in my sleep

Anxious even while I dream

The shortness of breath 

Startles me awake

This is how I start the day. 

The Vast Empty

There’s a vast emptiness within my soul-

My mind a sieve of creative control. 

Long gone are the words and the scenes it would mold

Into works of art and stories untold. 

I used to burst with colors and sounds

Yearning for music, and companionship, and crowds.

But today it is only loneliness that surrounds

My waking moments, where even my dreams are bound. 

Forever Wounds

 Its been a while since I wrote to you,

Felt ashamed and guilty, even though what I said was true.

Let the words hang in the air and wither there

Like a noose around my neck with my heart laid bare.

I'd come back every now and again to check if they were still there

Wishing there scars instead of the open wounds that we share. 

But like I expected, we are still bleeding

The cuts will remain while our hearts are still beating.

An Update

There's very little left of me
Very hollow and alone
No boredom or excitement
No God, no family, no home

Just an empty mind
With empty thoughts
An empty heart
With empty slots
Empty shelves
Collecting dust
A once shiny locket
turned to rust.

"shallow" conversation

This video popped up on my youtube suggested videos and I was reminded of the many conversations I've had with my introverted friends about their hate of small talk and shallow conversations. As an extrovert, I'm not always comfortable talking about my darkest fears and deepest desires right when I first meet someone and use small talk as a way to make small connections that can help me get to know someone before moving on to deeper topics. Something as simple as commenting on your shoes is a way for me to know more about you. Like the video says, it's best if you not answer every question literally: Hey are those new shoes? Yes. [end chat] 

Honestly the other day someone mentioned my black on black converses, which led me to talking about how I bought them during my first trip to New York and a concert I attended at Citi Field. After which, he shared his own NY experiences. 

This video was so fascinating because it explained the intentions behind these seemingly "shallow" questions. 

Far from home

I live a 1000 miles from home. No family except for those I’ve grown- Fostered relationships built on not wanting to be alone. Far from the streets filled music & mayhem, And plenty of Jazz and Booze to erase any memories that plague ‘em.

Soul Search: truth talk

I hide away my sins and shame--
Hoping I can keep living how I'm living for just one more day.
Tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow I will change.
Then add a 1 and tomorrow becomes today.
The wish remains the same
In an endless circle,
Tomorrow fades away.

GAD?

My mind goes in and out sometimes--
Like an old VCR tape,
It pauses.
It rewinds.
It skips.
And lunges forward,
But unfortunately
My body rarely follows.
Then suddenly it comes crashing back toward me--
Usually knocking me over.
And I'm scared.
And I'm sad.
And I'm hollowed.

words, words, words

It feels like just yesterday
I was sitting all alone
In a crowded room
Full of strangers
And really far from home.

I remember all the words
Slowly but smoothly flowing forth
And the subtle relief of seeing you
After having feared the worst.

Then not again until today
Did I stop long enough to see
If you would come to me again
Or simply abandon me.

Love Letters

Always, XXX
Yours, XXX
That's how you would say goodbye
In the letters you wrote to me
In those memories I left behind.

When you left

I had some time to sit today
Quietly outside,
Though the voices and the noises
Trickled from inside.

And in the noisy silence
My tears began to fall
As thoughts of who you were to me
I suddenly recalled.

There was a time when I believed
You were my only friend,
And because of that friendship
I would stick it out till the end.
-Until it were all over
-Until Jesus came again

When I felt attacked and betrayed
You were the one I called.
I said if it were only us two
I knew we could withstand it all.

Into the gates of Hell
I'd follow right behind you.
My trusted leader and friend,
I thought I'd never be without you.

You can't imagine the pain I felt
When you threw the towel in.
The abandonment, the anger,
The fear I felt within.

I see you every now and then.
We run into each other once in a while.
It's hard to even look at you.
It's hard to fake a smile.

I wish I didn't feel this way.
I've kept this all inside for years.
So maybe this is my way of letting go--
My words to help me heal.

Dimminy

I find myself in constant pain because of you.
My heart breaking with thoughts of you.
To know what you're feeling and going through
Would either ease my suffering or it renew.

With both hands he turned M's entire body around and pushed his shoulders against the wall. "GOD DAMNIT! ENOUGH!" Hitting the wall beside M's face with his open hand causing a loud slap to echo throughout the room--startling them both. And with that the tears welled in his eyes. The anger that he felt toward M transformed into fear and despair, and collapsing on his knees he whispered, "Stop. Stop being like this. Stop being so cold."

She fell down. Well kind of. She sort of tripped down the stairs making a series of loud booms as the heel of her right foot slipped off the edge of each of the stairs. Thankfully there were only 3 or so, and she landed safely on the floor with both feet.

But it was the sound that caught his attention. Mid sentence, he snapped his head toward that sound, toward her. His eyes searching her face and her body for a sign that she was hurt, but he couldn't catch her eyes. So he called out as he rushed toward her--unthoughtful of those with whom he was chatting with a moment before. "Are you okay?" Arm stretched out, reaching. "Are you okay?" He repeated softer, closer. "I'm okay." she sighed, slightly embarrassed but more surprised by his attention.

Then just like that, laughter from friends near by, a girlfriend grabs her hand, and they walk away together. They giggle, and she tells the story of how she tripped down the stairs. They had all heard the booms. Plenty of jokes about her clumsiness ensue.

He turns away after a moment-laughing to himself and walking back to talk once more with those he had abandoned. They barely noticed the intermission. There was nothing remarkable about the exchange. Just a brief pause in an otherwise normal and forgettable day.

bright

turning on and off the lights
like lightening strikes
in an inky sky

Palabras

Ah! There you are! I'd been wondering where you'd gone. Tried calling for you, but finding you was way too hard. I thought maybe you had vanished, into a space of time gone by, and that I'd never see you again, and it suited me just fine. A past life. A talent long forgotten. A helpless wandering of a fondness abandoned. Yet here you are, when I need you the least-- a perpetual companion of my mental disease. Search for them, will you? When you see me slipping away. My thoughts come lazily, but my words soar and stray. They betray, the turmoil. They betray the peace. They betray the laughter that serves as a fleece. A covering. A mask, a guide to pretending. All while mending an inside that's writhing and wrenching.

I'm Nobody -- Response

"I'm Nobody -- Who are you?"
I'm somebody who's wholly consumed--
Who's neglected her soul all the way through--
A shell of the woman you once knew.

Unhealthy Obsessions

The more I want you
The more I can't get enough of you
The less I can breath without
It's hard to go on without you.

The more that I have you
The emptier I get when I hold you
The deeper I sink once I see you
The darker I feel when I'm around you.

Empty

I remember when you were all that I wanted-
To experience you for real,
But your subtle presence
Was too soft for me to feel.
So I went out searching
For something to stir my soul.
When I left you, I was starving
Yet I ended up devoured whole.