I find that ever since Maggie was born my patience with my older daughter has been so little that it's barely existent. Tonight was the single worst night of my life as a parent. I completely flipped my lid on Lia. I feel like Lia has received the short end of the stick when it comes to my patience, attention, humor, gentleness, enthusiasm, you name it, and I've neglected it with regard to her--for the last SEVEN months.
This is what I feared most about having multiple children--that inevitable favoring or better treatment of one child over the other. And what makes it worse is that you feel it in your soul. Everything about your interaction is feigned. It's like you're trying so hard to be patient or kind with one when it comes so easily with the other.
I rationalize by telling myself that I'm like this because Maggie's just a baby and perhaps she just sucks up so much of my attention and warmth that I'm drained by the time Lia comes around. And perhaps it's true, but that doesn't excuse how harsh I can be toward Lia. She's just a little girl too, and I'm completely convinced that this is a critical period in Lia's life and I'm totally messing her up.
I need to pray more. I need God to intervene. I need to fill myself up with so much of his love and grace that I'm overflowing like a fountain and covering both of my girls!
Tomorrow Lia and I had planned a mommy/ daughter date, and I hope it goes well. But I once read this quote that said something like "you can't damage your relationship with your child with one bad day, but you can't fix a relationship with only one good day." And I totally agree. If tomorrow goes perfectly well, it will only be one day-a drop in the bucket- compared to the many bad days!
Man parenting is tough. And I know exactly how you feel! Every night as Lincoln and I pray together I ask God for MORE patience, MORE compassion, and to be even MORE deserving of these amazing little men he has placed in my life. Somedays I feel like an absolute failure, but that's when God reminds me that even when I fail, He does not, and even when my love doesn't seem to stretch, His does and always will. Our kiddos have been blessed and entrusted to Him. So even when we fail, and will, over and over and over again (although I pray fervently to be better each and every day!!), God has our children wrapped in His loving embrace and His grace will guide them. I love you lady! Try not to focus too hard on the mistakes, each day is a new day and each confession is a new start in Him:) Big hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Chrissy! I appreciate your support.
DeleteThis was truly a confession for me! It was refreshing to get this off my chest. I needed an intentional restart. Its just that I know how parenting mistakes can affect a kid into her/his adulthood. Even when there's love. Even if one is "not so bad," those mistakes and errors, if never address or rectified, can leave life damaging effects. I'm terrified of that. I want Lia to grow up a more whole person than I did.
I'm leaning on God to transform and strengthen me.
youre a good mama. you strive to be better at it all the time, and that is huge. you are teachable and humble. it is the hardest job in the world-my opinion. :) she adores you. there is grace for you. we all do things we wish we could take back. you let those things teach you and change you- that is key. you want to be transformed, so He will do the work in you. already doing lots in you. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kimi! You're a great role model for me. I appreciate your belief in me
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