Tonight is another saturday night at home. No friends hanging out at the crib. No phone calls. No laughing. No shopping buddies. No karaoke. No movies and arbor mist. No "lets get our nails did." No "is there a good concert tonight?" No "lets go down town" No "geezum I'm so hungry. What do you wanna eat after church tomorrow?"
Nothing. Just me and the computer and wondering if God will send me a soul-mate friend.
I don't often bring it up, but I miss my friend Bueno so much on nights like this. I'm really starting to realize how she must have felt when she moved to BR without really knowing anyone. The loneliness and isolation. She was so brave to have stuck it out on her own.
I hope that I can be as brave because right now I'm not feeling very strong.
I know this sounds terrible, but I've never been Jillien the wife and mother. I've always been Jillien who happens to also be a wife and mother. I miss just being myself sometimes. I feel consumed with responsibility and no outlet to just be ME. There are some women who are so amalgamated with their womanly roles that they feel totally complete in them, but me without friends or at least someone to share with is becoming overwhelming.
While I knew that coming here was going to bring me closer to my family because we were to rely on each other so much more than ever before, I never could have imagined how suffocating it would feel after a while.
I love my daughter and husband with all of my heart and hope that this is just a fleeting emotion. Just a little hurtle in a long stretch of contentment. That God will put me in the right place at the right time and help me to connect.