Time is flying, and this new addition to our family will be here soon.
One of the most common questions that I'm being asked is, "Are you ready?" And my honest response is, "no."
And I don't mean in that flighty, hormonal sort-a-way, when I just can't get the house clean enough... I'm talking about not even knowing where the hospital is! No changing table. No bottles. No milk storage. No labor plan. No experience with these crazy cloth diapers that I've decided to invest in because I NEED to save money-- because along with having no real plan, we also have no extra money.
Now that I'm not earning a salary, we have turned into a paycheck to paycheck family. If it weren't for the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover approach to saving, this time would be really scary. But because I spent the year and a half of working to save every spare penny I could, we are confident that God will bless us one day with more income, and until then we have enough saved to get us through--hopefully. We just remember to keep giving, and the Lord will make sure to keep providing.
If I had to be honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I've been winging it, and as in most situations when one "wings-it," this has the potential of blowing up in my face.
I have a lot of fears, most of which center around the delivery. I'm worried because I'm not familiar with this practice and their methods that my delivery won't go the way I want. I'm scared the epidural won't go the way my first did, and that I'll be completely crippled and the delivery will take so much longer than necessary because of my inability to move. I'm scared that at the first sign of difficulty that they'll rush me over to c-section. I'm scared that they'll be impatient with me--especially after having been told at my last appointment that they will induce me if the baby doesn't come after 41 weeks.... WELL I had my first daughter at 42 weeks... Can I say no? If they schedule to induce me, do I just not show up at my "appointment?"
There are so many other fears and anxieties! Too many to list. Too many to describe. Too many to explain or justify!
I have to TRY to surrender this to the Lord and allow him to take the reins. Let Him take care of this situation and all others that may come up. I have to try to remember that I have no control over each and every detail, but I do have control over my faith. I need peace. I need surrender. But knowing what's right and actually doing it are different things. So I'm going to just have to keep trying.