All In

I'm at a place now
Where I'm one foot in
And one foot out.
Not convinced
100%
This is where my life's supposed to play out

Not entirely sure
You're the one for me.
Not feeling bought in to the vision you see.
Not feeling like I'm part of the team.
Not seeing the future that you and yours dream.

Because Because Because...

I will follow you
Because you're worth my submission.

I will listen to you
Because I respect your opinion.

I will support you
Because I believe you to be genuine

And I will change for you
Because you force me to espy my sin.

At least I've got my health....

Brisk...

I bet that's what all my English major friends would call this morning. Blue skies. Chirping birds. Yet the air had a crisp coldness to it that edged on the wrong side of comfortable.

It didn't stop me from sitting out there, though. About 40 pages in to Franny and Zooey and wondering how Salinger came up with this stuff. All the while listening to

Look how green that grass is! That costs $ too.

the beeep beeep beeep of a reversing tow truck as it picked up my bojankity, p.o.s., hooptie mobile to bring it to the shop for the 3rd time this month.

Money. Loads of it. I spend Loads of Money. It never ends. It makes my teeth hurt just thinking about the exorbitant amounts of money that I spend. Makes me think things like "man I wish we would have never bought this house. It's too expensive." or "Man, I wish I were a freakin' millionaire." You know stuff like that.

But at least you've got your health! Isn't that what all the old folks say when everything's going to crap, but on the bright side you're not dead!

Truth be told, I've got it good. That's why I'm sitting out here with my book. Kid sleeping in the car. Big ole house. With two cars (that just need a little bit of work and the occasional tow). I've got it all. I've just got to spend a load of money to have it.

Siddhartha

I pray for this in my life.

Facade

It's very rare that I feel self-conscious about my writing or the idea of someone reading my writing. For years the only passers-by on this site were people who ventured so deep into the internet that stumbling upon this blog was just another back-space click without a single word read.
That's still my audience. So if you're actually reading this...I'm genuinely surprised :D


Warning: this poem contains strong language

How???

I must learn to listen.
To be patient
To accept
To follow

Service

Recently during a connection group meeting, one of my church friends hit me with such an incredibly uplifting and freeing truth that it staggered everything I once believed about serving.

Sometimes it is the most basic concepts that create the most impactful change. Here's what happened...

I serve in different areas in our church, and in doing so, I invest a lot of my time performing many different duties. I do this because I love my church family. I also do it because I like to feel like a contributor, and finally, I serve because it makes me happy.

But there are some areas where I serve that make me happier than others. And it is here where my paradigm shift occurred.

I always felt that when I was serving in the area I LOVED that it really wasn't serving because it didn't feel like a sacrifice. For some reason I was under the impression that to truly serve the kingdom there had to be some pain involved--an overcoming my reluctance and a grit-and-bear-it moment. If that feeling didn't happen, then there was no real sacrifice, and I wasn't trying hard enough.

It was the same with generosity. For me giving money is easy. There's no pain involved. Lee, on the other hand, cringes when we hand in the checks. To Lee it feels like I'm handing away our security--that at any moment we could face financial crisis and we won't be able to pay our way out because I've gone and given all our money away. But he does it anyway. He gives even when it hurts. Lee feels the sacrifice.

But when it comes to investing in people, Lee is MUCH more generous than I am. He really connects. He listens. He cares. He prays. He texts. He calls. I don't. And when I do, it takes a great effort. I am definitely not as generous with giving of myself as I am with my money. I'd rather pay you than invest in you. (Man that sounds awful!)

This is when the super incredible words of holy Spirit wisdom come in. My friend explained that God gave us different strengths so that the church could have a balance. If we were all generous in the same ways there would be a deficiency or neglect in other critical areas. Lee is a generous investor in people because God knew there was a need for people to be connected to a strong and gentle man who listens and guides without judgment or ridicule. And God made me generous with my money because He knows that there are true financial needs that must be addressed, and together Lee and I are powerful in that respect.

Through the years, Lee has become so much more trusting that God will take care of us financially. He has come to learn that all of our money is God's money, and that when we honor the Lord with our finances that He is always faithful and provides for us in ways we could never have imagined.

Likewise, by following and learning from Lee's example, along with my other friends who are amazing investors in people, I have become more open with myself--allowing myself to share my story with others and to try to help by walking along side them in their struggles.

So back to serving... The church has so many needs, and because of these needs there are so many areas to serve. It doesn't have to be painful. God gave me certain strengths so that I can fulfill a need in the church to fullest and with the most joy. Because the joy of the Lord IS my strength! SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?!? I find Joy in serving within the Strengths that the Lord has given me.

Find what gives you the most joy! Then serve, serve, serve. I'm telling you, I can never get enough, when I'm serving in my joyful place :D

Truth Be Told

There's an arrogance there, I think.

A sinful feeling deep within 

Saying 

That your time is more valuable than mine,

That you owe no one any more or less time than you see fit, and

That you'll get to me when you get to me.

Let me share some truth--

Respect

and 

Propriety

Are real and from the Lord, and

That regardless of how you Feel

You do owe others some of your time,

And finally the very basic truth

That my time is valuable, and I dislike being ignored. 

Always

It's the night before I see you
And the insecurities within me
Are threatening my sanity.
All of the second-guessing
The doubting
The worrying
The regretting
Are overwhelming
me.

Dreams

When I was younger, I was hungry, ravenous even, for success, achievement, recognition, beauty, popularity, and wealth. I was fierce. In college, my desire for perfection met no bounds, and I would do anything (manipulate, charm, or just plain bust-my-a$$) to ensure the means of my desire.

But I got pregnant as a junior in college, and my world shattered a little. And during that time, my confidence in my ability or the confidence that my life was heading toward something special was also shattered. 

Through the years I put together my world. I worked on being a good mother. I worked on being a better wife (which if I were graded, I'd probably be put on academic probation). 

But I have yet to address my dreams or better yet--the dreams of my youth.

I let those die, simply by being satisfied with my husband working and climbing up the ladder and earning the income. 

Recently I've been confronted by people in my life. Confronted not aggressively or condescendingly, but out of curiosity. Why aren't you more? They all seem to be asking me.

And through these few weeks, I've been rekindling the dreams of my youth. Dreams to for higher education. Dreams of a future in leadership. Dreams of doing something substantial.

Now don't get me wrong, being a mom is substantial, but I know that I can be more. Being a mom is not all that I am. I know my time has come to address me.  If I don't, I doubt I'll be able to live out the rest of my life feeling fulfilled. I know I have more to give. 

Private

A life spent overcoming every obstical the world dealt. 

A person with every wrong decision under her belt 

A passion for writing every feeling she ever felt

And a wish to keep it all to herself. 

All the words that were only for me to see

All the thoughts I finally set free

All The lines and letters and history

Were stolen by you out of curiosity. 

I need to learn

how to just *stop singing* so I don't feel like such a stupid idiot on stage.  Worship today was one of the hardest mornings of my life.

It's very difficult to go up there and sing worship when you are so self-conscious. It is the complete opposite of the purpose of worship, which is to glorify and praise God.

#mortified #humiliated

My Gutsy Girl

Yesterday at 4 PM we pulled into our driveway. The girls and I had just arrived home from picking Lia up from school, when I felt inspired to ask Lia how she felt about going door to door.

What am I talking about? School Fundraiser Time, baby!

Lia has been so excited because the class who sells the most coupon books gets rewarded with a CUPCAKE party! And in a manner of optimism that only a 6 year can muster, she was certain that her class was going to win. Little does she know that mommy volunteers with PTA and has seen the numbers. In order to win, every student has to sell, and up until yesterday 3:59PM the only book she had sold was to me--the lone name, address, and order on her fundraising envelope.

I thought about myself as a child and how embarrassed and scared I was to ask someone to buy something from me. I remember sending everything with my mom to work and having her coworkers order the wrapping paper, World's Best Chocolates, or whatever it was we were selling that year. And because of this I never asked Lia to try to sell her fundraising items. I always just assumed she's be scared or too shy--just unwilling to put herself out there, just as I was. 

But when we pulled into the driveway, something came over me. I was so disappointed in myself, and I knew we could do better than 1 sold to mommy. So I looked back and asked her, "Hey baby, what do you think about running upstairs and putting on your School shirt? Then we can walk around the neighborhood and see if anyone wants to buy a book from you."

And her response to me was, "YES YES YES YES!" and up she went and in record time she was back down with her elementary school shirt on and a word track..."Hi. My name is Lia, and I'm raising money for my school. Would you like to buy a book?"

We walked around for an hour and a half. Lia approached every adult she saw outside cutting his lawn or watching her kids play, and gave them her lines..."Hi. My name is Lia, and I'm raising money for my school. Would you like to buy a book from me?" She would even show them the type of coupons that were in the book, and inevitably they would ask how much it was. And she would tell them "Twenty Dollars." 

Lia received a lot of "No, Thank you's" a lot of "It's not a good time" and "I think I'm gunna pass." But she kept on going. She would even pray, "Jesus let this be the house," and up she'd go to ring the door bell. 

Every time she said her little speech my eyes would get teary, and I just kept thinking how brave she is, how amazingly adorable and sweet. Man I couldn't have been more proud of her. 

And you know what?!?!?! She sold 5 books! (mommy's made 6) It was incredible. She worked hard, and it paid off. 

My daughter inspired me yesterday. It's hard to put yourself out there and to be rejected. The easy response would have been to give up, but her belief that God was going to provide her a buyer motivated her to keep knocking, to keep walking.  

Maybe that's you. Maybe you're ready for a husband or a wife, and you keep getting "It's not a good time." Be confident that the Lord will provide for you.

Maybe you're in financial hardship; Maybe you're in a hard marriage; Maybe you're praying for a baby. 

Cry out to Jesus, and Let Him provide! 

Too Tired to Write

My eyelids are heavy
And my words are weak
And my mind is slowing
Along with my ability to speak.

The Struggle

The current of sinful nature

That flows beneath my carefully crusted life,

The molten menacing

That ever so slightly shifts

My continental holiness

Erupts.

The One

All the words welling up inside me--
My thoughts and feelings just bursting at the seams.
And everywhere I turn there's an opportunity
To chime in and pick teams.

My world has become so muddled and foggy,
Where goodness and honesty take a back seat
To selfishness, and self-preservation ,
To politics, and gender/race sensitivity.

What happened to the educated populace?
To where did all the morality flee?
When did we reach a point where babies are killed
Just so I can keep having sex with whomever I please?

Why would people rather kill themselves
Than to own up to who they really are?
And why must I choose a side
When both have everything all wrong?

Do what's good.
And choose what's right.
And be willing to sacrifice
And there are causes worth the fight
There are movements worth the leap
There are charities worth the green
There are people worth the love.

But don't ask me to set aside
The words that express my very soul
The thoughts that God imprinted in my mind
The truths that the Spirit, the world told.

Think about the mighty power held in a voice.
The world created by a single utterance
And my words too have a calling--
To be true and live-giving.

Forget the flattery
And double-sided tongue.
Give me honesty
Give me passion
Give me truth
And give me The One.

Upon us finished

It's that deep yearning--
Calling out for more.

It's the hard thumping
Of my heart beating
And my breath catching
And my soul fleeing.

The beginning

I've had a story tinkling around in my mind for a while, and I feel compelled tonight to type it out. Here's only a few lines, but I figure if I don't post this, I'll never be inclined to finish.

FORWARD
I suppose, as with all stories, it's best to start at the beginning.  But perhaps I'm just one of those girls that never did anything the proper way. It is pretty evident that being so improper is what got me here in the first place.

Where am I? Alone.

Surrounded by a family I never wanted in a life I never asked for.

CHAPTER 1...

Counter culture

Abortion.

Turn away now of you're not interested in what I have to say on the subject of Christians and abortion.

How I Dealt with the News of Your Passing...

Your story blinked into my life late on Wednesday night,

Just a simple click and there you were.

And from the start I knew I shouldn't have,

But I read about what occurred.

And the thought of you filled every fiber of my mind

And the visions were seared into the pits of my soul

And each evil and painful line of your story

Broke my spirit more and more.

'Till I saw your body beaten and broken

Reflected everywhere I turned--

Each time I saw my own daughter, it awoken.

Each time I closed my eyes, your memory stirred.

Then I heard the subtle whisperings
Of the Devil in my ear
Saying this could be your baby's future
And he stirred in me a deadly fear.

And he made me feel the pain you felt
And he helped me see the whole thing through
Making me come up with what I would do,
If my babies turned out just like you.