FWF

I've moved on.

Well, sort of...

It's just that your memory and your impact-- lingers.

It festers really.

Like old bones that hurt in the cold or

Like an old wound that shoots searing pain at random moments

Or like a ghost limb that itches regardless of its amputation.

I've written this a million times.

I've thought of it a billion times.

Why did you do it?

Was it a game to you?

Did I hurt you so badly that you wanted to make me pay?

Did I mean so little to you that you didn't even care how your actions would hurt me?

Destroy me?

Destroy my family?

How was it going to end?

I left because of you… did you know that?

And I'm glad I did--most of the time.

My friends.

It's the "I'm calling just to chat"
The "wanna go to Barnes with me?"
The "Oh My Goodness, let me tell you what happened..."
That makes a friend.

The back and forth,
You come to my place and I'll come to yours.
The "have you seen this movie?"
The "watchu doing after church?"

Thank God for friends who think you're funny
And who can crack you up.
Thank God for people who WANT to spend time with you.
Thank you Jesus for my friends.

I needed my mommy

I called my mom after church today. 

The events of this morning probably would have stayed with me all day. Maybe even all week, but what my mom had to say helped me break free of the insecurity and embarrassment that immediately follow a mess up on stage. Not even my husband can lift me up from the depths that I fall when something like that happens to me. 

I have to find a lesson in these types of situations. This will not be my last Sunday when I mess up on stage. I have to find a way to understand that it really is no big deal. 

It's just at the moment it doesn't feel that way. It feels mortifying. I feel compelled to flee. Just run away. Crawl under a rock. And cry. 

Reminiscences of the Exodus

Inhale deeply
The sweet smoke
mmMMm
The cinnamon and myrrh
The cassia, calamus, and oil--
Of the finest pressed olives.
Yes! I remember this.
It's been so long since I've smelled
An aroma pleasing to God.

FWF

"Little Girl," the old bear growled,
"Come quickly!
Tie your shoes!
Close your mouth when you chew!
What was that sound?!!?
Did you wipe!?
Hurry up!
You're acting like such a brat!
What did I SAY?!?!..."
On and on it went--
With the young girl and the bear.
Each day she heard the rumblings of the Old Bear
Each day she prepared herself for the attack
Each day she defended herself against the claws
Each day she waited patiently
And each day
The Little Girl grew an untraceable amount.
Then one day the Little Girl,
Now strong and smart and quick,
Left.
And the Old Bear cried.

Mommy Lesson #1: Do not trust your 1st grader to tell you the correct time

Today, Lia arrived at school 15 mins after the tardy bell sounded.

And it was all due to a grave error in judgment on my part.

Drowsily hearing Lia thumping around downstairs, I get up to ask her, "Lia baby!?!??"

"Yea" she replied

"What time is it?"

"Um let me check……it's 6:40"

"Ok baby thanks!"

I stayed in bed for a while after that, wondering why we were having such an early start to our day. Grabbed Maggie out of her crib when she cried and brought her to lay with me. We read books. Lia joined us. We chatted. Hung out. Then lazily I grab by phone from the charger and FINALLY notice the true time.

It was 9:15 in the morning!!!!!

NO way in the world did HOURS go by. It was more like 8:40 when she checked the time. Talk about 0 to 60! We were out of bed, dressed, packed and at school by 15 mins later. Did I mention that school is 10 mins away?

The Bhagavad-Gita (Ch. 2 v 47-49)

You have the right to work, but for the work’s sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working. Never give way to laziness, either. Perform every action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment to the fruits. Be even-tempered in success and failure; for it is this evenness of temper which is meant by yoga. Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self-surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable.
-As quoted in Franny and Zooey

FWF--my first attempt

Death and Rebirth:

I was feeling dead. Or so close to dead that that awful, desperate struggle-phase was in full swing. Basically, I was desperate for rescue.

Funny how my death and rebirth all revolve around words. They are my center. It was words that tried (perhaps unwittingly) to slay me, and words that rejuvenated me.

What do you do when your muse has died?
Not an elegant, whimsical, fantastical death
Of a beautiful, fair, faerie-type creature
Gracefully limp upon her chaise--
Hair in bright auburn waves
Still vibrantly flowing upon her brow.
No.
I mean a dried and shriveled body
Laying stiffly upon a dusted floor
Neglected and almost obscenely deceased.
What do you do then?

Why am I posting so much rubbish?

I've been told that I read a lot, but I'm starting to think that I read a normal amount for a person who loves to read. I'm not particularly fast at reading. I just devote a lot of time toward it.

Franny and Zooey--one of the greatest things I've read.

"I'll tell you one thing, Franny. One thing I know. And don't get upset. It isn't anything bad. But if it's the religious life you want, you ought to know right now that you're missing out on every single goddam religious action that's going on around this house. You don't even have sense enough to drink when somebody brings you a cup of consecrated chicken soup- which is the only kind of chicken soup Bessie ever brings to anybody around this madhouse. So you just tell me, just tell me, buddy. Even if you went out and searched the whole world for a master- some guru, some holy man- to tell you how to say your Jesus Prayer properly, what good would it do you? How in hell are you going to recognize a legitimate holy man when you see one if you don't even know a cup of consecrated chicken soup when it's right in front of your nose? Can you tell me that?" --Zooey

I'm telling you this book is an English major's dream

Is it ever enough?

I once read  a quote somewhere that said "The devil is too smart to tell us not to pray. Oh no. Instead he tells us to pray later."

Isn't that the story of our lives?! (of MY life, I tells ya)
"I'll pray later. I'll give later. I'll care later. I'll improve later.
or better yet as Christians we sometimes feel that just by being a christian that I'm good enough. I've done enough. I've given enough.

Although, more often than not I have a very different feeling. I know with every fiber in my being that I'm never really giving him enough. So I keep striving, thirsting, yearning to do so.

Isn't that something?! I try desperately to be more like Christ, to understand God and his word, while knowing that I'll never achieve my goal. But does that mean I should just quit trying? Or just quit trying desperately.

I mean, God doesn't say "give enough to me;" he says, "Give your ALL to me."
He wants every breath--not just the ones we remember to give.

I've recently been told (very lovingly and with much concern) that I run a mile a minute. Asked whether I ever just stop and rest. Told I have too much guilt. Warned against being too legalistic, and it had me thinking, "Is it possible that I'm working too hard to be something I can never truly be?"

I've been thinking so long and so hard about it that I've not actually been able to sleep for the last 2 days--just turning that question over and over in my mind. (So I guess they were pretty astute in their characterization of me :D)

Then tonight as I was searching for new christmas song arrangements for worship in December, I came across a video depicting children who were impacted by war--missing limbs, bodies prostrated in the streets, rags and nakedness and famine and pain. And in my inbox I have the prayer requests of a pro-life ministry I support whose numbers are failing and is trying desperately to understand why. And in my life, I'm never silent enough to pray! So not only are my country and my world ravaged by sin, but my life is void of intentional prayer and peace.

Is it enough to say at the end of the day, "well, God today I didn't do much; didn't do much to advance your kingdom. Wasn't overly generous or kind. Didn't really think about praying or praising you. Kind of did the complete opposite all day, but that should be enough for you, right?!"

Is it TOO much to say, "Father God, give me strength and send your Spirit so that I can do MORE than I'm capable of doing on my own."

That's a pretty scary and intimidating prayer, and I'm debating whether I can pray that and genuinely mean it.

I've just bought Mother Theresa's book, "A Simple Path."
If you want to talk about a woman who was devoted to Christ. In love with Christ. Dedicated to Christ's work, then Mother Teresa is your subject.

If you've ever read one of her books or listened to her speak (just youtube her), I'm sure you'll be struck by her calmness. Blessed Mother Teresa had a peace and joyfulness about her that was astounding--even in the slums of Calcutta with an overwhelming amount of misery, suffering, and poverty surrounding her, she was able to rejoice in the goodness of God.

Mother Teresa reminds me that regardless of the sin and suffering of the world, there is still goodness. There is still reason to rejoice. There is still hope.

And it is this hope and peace that I wish to learn from her so that this desire to be the hands and feet of God can be done efficiently, even-temperedly, joyfully, submissively, un-egotistically...and silently.

This is the day that the LORD has made. We will REJOICE and BE GLAD in it!! (Ps 118:24)

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner. (The Jesus Prayer)

What is with me and this terrible restlessness?!

I'm exhausted, but I fight any and all sleep or rest or peace.

I just keep on the alert. Like a blanket of urgency has fallen upon every aspect of Me, and I'm thinking, feeling, searching, and seeing everything all at once.

well at least I'm reading a great book:

All In

I'm at a place now
Where I'm one foot in
And one foot out.
Not convinced
100%
This is where my life's supposed to play out

Not entirely sure
You're the one for me.
Not feeling bought in to the vision you see.
Not feeling like I'm part of the team.
Not seeing the future that you and yours dream.

Because Because Because...

I will follow you
Because you're worth my submission.

I will listen to you
Because I respect your opinion.

I will support you
Because I believe you to be genuine

And I will change for you
Because you force me to espy my sin.

At least I've got my health....

Brisk...

I bet that's what all my English major friends would call this morning. Blue skies. Chirping birds. Yet the air had a crisp coldness to it that edged on the wrong side of comfortable.

It didn't stop me from sitting out there, though. About 40 pages in to Franny and Zooey and wondering how Salinger came up with this stuff. All the while listening to

Look how green that grass is! That costs $ too.

the beeep beeep beeep of a reversing tow truck as it picked up my bojankity, p.o.s., hooptie mobile to bring it to the shop for the 3rd time this month.

Money. Loads of it. I spend Loads of Money. It never ends. It makes my teeth hurt just thinking about the exorbitant amounts of money that I spend. Makes me think things like "man I wish we would have never bought this house. It's too expensive." or "Man, I wish I were a freakin' millionaire." You know stuff like that.

But at least you've got your health! Isn't that what all the old folks say when everything's going to crap, but on the bright side you're not dead!

Truth be told, I've got it good. That's why I'm sitting out here with my book. Kid sleeping in the car. Big ole house. With two cars (that just need a little bit of work and the occasional tow). I've got it all. I've just got to spend a load of money to have it.

Siddhartha

I pray for this in my life.

Facade

It's very rare that I feel self-conscious about my writing or the idea of someone reading my writing. For years the only passers-by on this site were people who ventured so deep into the internet that stumbling upon this blog was just another back-space click without a single word read.
That's still my audience. So if you're actually reading this...I'm genuinely surprised :D


Warning: this poem contains strong language

How???

I must learn to listen.
To be patient
To accept
To follow

Service

Recently during a connection group meeting, one of my church friends hit me with such an incredibly uplifting and freeing truth that it staggered everything I once believed about serving.

Sometimes it is the most basic concepts that create the most impactful change. Here's what happened...

I serve in different areas in our church, and in doing so, I invest a lot of my time performing many different duties. I do this because I love my church family. I also do it because I like to feel like a contributor, and finally, I serve because it makes me happy.

But there are some areas where I serve that make me happier than others. And it is here where my paradigm shift occurred.

I always felt that when I was serving in the area I LOVED that it really wasn't serving because it didn't feel like a sacrifice. For some reason I was under the impression that to truly serve the kingdom there had to be some pain involved--an overcoming my reluctance and a grit-and-bear-it moment. If that feeling didn't happen, then there was no real sacrifice, and I wasn't trying hard enough.

It was the same with generosity. For me giving money is easy. There's no pain involved. Lee, on the other hand, cringes when we hand in the checks. To Lee it feels like I'm handing away our security--that at any moment we could face financial crisis and we won't be able to pay our way out because I've gone and given all our money away. But he does it anyway. He gives even when it hurts. Lee feels the sacrifice.

But when it comes to investing in people, Lee is MUCH more generous than I am. He really connects. He listens. He cares. He prays. He texts. He calls. I don't. And when I do, it takes a great effort. I am definitely not as generous with giving of myself as I am with my money. I'd rather pay you than invest in you. (Man that sounds awful!)

This is when the super incredible words of holy Spirit wisdom come in. My friend explained that God gave us different strengths so that the church could have a balance. If we were all generous in the same ways there would be a deficiency or neglect in other critical areas. Lee is a generous investor in people because God knew there was a need for people to be connected to a strong and gentle man who listens and guides without judgment or ridicule. And God made me generous with my money because He knows that there are true financial needs that must be addressed, and together Lee and I are powerful in that respect.

Through the years, Lee has become so much more trusting that God will take care of us financially. He has come to learn that all of our money is God's money, and that when we honor the Lord with our finances that He is always faithful and provides for us in ways we could never have imagined.

Likewise, by following and learning from Lee's example, along with my other friends who are amazing investors in people, I have become more open with myself--allowing myself to share my story with others and to try to help by walking along side them in their struggles.

So back to serving... The church has so many needs, and because of these needs there are so many areas to serve. It doesn't have to be painful. God gave me certain strengths so that I can fulfill a need in the church to fullest and with the most joy. Because the joy of the Lord IS my strength! SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?!? I find Joy in serving within the Strengths that the Lord has given me.

Find what gives you the most joy! Then serve, serve, serve. I'm telling you, I can never get enough, when I'm serving in my joyful place :D

Truth Be Told

There's an arrogance there, I think.

A sinful feeling deep within 

Saying 

That your time is more valuable than mine,

That you owe no one any more or less time than you see fit, and

That you'll get to me when you get to me.

Let me share some truth--

Respect

and 

Propriety

Are real and from the Lord, and

That regardless of how you Feel

You do owe others some of your time,

And finally the very basic truth

That my time is valuable, and I dislike being ignored.