Panic

It's come back-
That empty feeling
That's not empty at all,
But hollow and tumultuous
Like something's stirring
More like something's emerging
And banging on your sanity's walls.

It rises
To just about the top of your lungs
right about when you're going to scream
or choke
Can't breath
Tears jerk
And you use all your strength
To keep it in check
And most of the time it works.

Then,
At least for me,
Right about when I forget to breathe
And my panic makes it hard to see
Reality
I call on words to make sense of it all
To help me stamp it all
Brand it all
With something that I can understand
Then I write it out for y'all,
My foes and my friends,
To glance at when you've got a sec
And think, hmm it doesn't make much sense
and you quickly move on to the next.

Impulse

It bubbles up inside
Like the fizzy carbonation
of a soda pop bottle
Shaken and tipped
On its side.
Ready to explode
But kept inside
by a small cap
Screwed on tight.

Still still.

I have found it increasingly hard
To think as of late.
And because of this ennui that I hate
I sit and impatiently wait
fidget
flutter
and flail
I implore of my muse
inspiration
And motivation
to no avail
So here I sit still
For the truth to slowly unveil.

Echoes

A tiny sound that stretches across vast spaces

Filling them with vibrations and waves 

Overwhelming them with reverberations 

Is now taking place in my brain. 

Prayer Mantra

Today when the anguish and anxiety was rising up inside of me, I instinctually blurted out (in my mind) “worry about nothing, pray about everything,” and then immediately started praying. It just made me realize that because of my formal Christian education since childhood until graduating college, I was instilled with prayer mantras that I could call upon instinctively because they had been engrained into my mind. I need to provide that for my girls--scripture so engrained in their minds that they can call upon it even in the most desperate of times! 

Sharp Turns

My steady breathing
Belies the unsteady beating
Of my anxious heart.

Unclear Path--Poets United

Its hard to see on days like this
Days when all the world's haze
Is spent up in one silent hiss
In one giant mist
Left standing and wondering
Where you went amiss
Or perhaps you're right where you're meant to be
Only its so hard to see
On days like this.

LeeHern (August 2008)

The compliments I barely pay
the "I love you's" I forget to say
day-
in
day-out
on the roof-tops
I should shout
how much you mean to me,
but instead
I say things I don't mean
just to be mean
scream
plain not nice
blame you for my vice
when truth is you've been
nothing but
twice
the spouse I wish I could be.
I love you for who you are
I love you for what you're not.
and if I could change you
I wouldn't trade one
spot,
or trait.
God made you--
perfect.
You're my fate.
I've done things
to make it hard
to keep going,
but we're gunna
keep on flowing.
I'm gunna keep on showing
second to minute
minute to hour
that a family can get better
even one like ours. 

Spiritual Gifts

Today I took a spiritual gifts test. It was like 105 questions long, but I got through it. Here are my top 3 Spiritual gifts:

Discernment

The Holy Spirit gives the gift of discernment to enable certain Christians to clearly recognize and distinguish between the influence of God, Satan, the world, and the flesh in a given situation. The church needs those with this gift to warn believers in times of danger or keep them from being led astray by false teaching.  See also I Corinthians 12:10, Acts 5:3-6; 16:16-18; 1 John 4:1. 

Teaching

The Holy Spirit gives certain people the spiritual gift of teaching so that they would help the church fulfill her ministry as “a pillar and buttress of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15).  Without this gift, the church would quickly fall into error and sin.  Teachers are there to make sure that doesn’t happen.  They hate when Scripture is abused and used out of context or with ill intent.  They love the truth and speak the truth in love.  They will never hide or withhold it.  On the contrary, they desire to follow in the footsteps of Jesus who taught in the synagogues and in the Temple as well as anywhere the people were gathered.  They are called to demonstrate God’s love while revealing His truth to the world without fear.  The effect of their ministry is the upholding of God’s Word and the growth and maturity of His Bride until the day of His return.  See also Ephesians 4:11; 1 Corinthians 12:28; Romans 12:7; James 3:1

Knowledge

The Holy Spirit gives this spiritual gift to some believers to bring about understanding and to inform the church or individual believers.  The person with this gift is usually well-versed in the Scriptures and often has much committed to memory.  They can retain the truth and communicate it effectively at the appropriate times.  The gift of knowledge allows a believer to relate the Scriptures, and particularly the Gospel of Jesus Christ, to all aspects of life in this world.  They can see how it connects to every situation and circumstance and how the reality and truth of the Gospel is to inform every decision a Christian makes.

courtesy of spiritualgifttest.com

Underwhelmed

I'm learning
That I'm lacking
And yet I've no yearning
Or desire
To correct my failures
Nor am I inspired
To find what it requires
To be a slightly better
Version
Of the person
I was hoping
Would be the person
I'd turn out to be.

New Creation

She lies.
She lies in a pool of viscus blue.
Her hair strangely billowing, slightly matted, slowly waving in the goo.
She's being made new.
Slowly transformed, reality askew.
But way back when,
Before she Knew
She would breathe in sex and cheap booze.
She would breathe in sin and daisy dukes.
She ate nothing but lust and lies
And spat out anyone in sight.
Out with the old.
In with the new
She's sprouting gills.
And she's seeing true
Who knew
That this day would come
But this is only day one.
Many more to come
Painful shifts
And setbacks
And slow drifts
And comebacks
Praying hoping that her good side has won
Then sometimes wishing she were back
Behind the sun
Back in the darkness
Back in the fun
Back in the shadows
Cutting to run
To where
And to who
She hasn't a clue
But until then
She lies in the blue
Being made new

It hurts more this way

Seeing the pain on your face

Watching your hope fade away

Hearing you insulted day after day. 

Calling

Once in a while
I'm sitting back
Looking at myself
Look at the world.

Ps 46:10

Be still and know that I am God. 

Barking

At this point the dog has been barking for 70 minutes...straight.

**Update**

The dog has stopped barking after 85 hell-on-earth minutes.

Axiomatic

7But when [John the Baptist] saw many Pharisees and Sadducees coming to watch him baptize, he denounced them. “You brood of snakes!” he exclaimed. “Who warned you to flee God’s coming wrath? 8Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. 9Don’t just say to each other, ‘We’re safe, for we are descendants of Abraham.’ That means nothing, for I tell you, God can create children of Abraham from these very stones. (Matt 3:7-9 emphasis added)

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. (James 2:19)

"[He] walked in a divine sense of rest..."

'[He] walked in a divine sense of rest. Like, 'You know what? Everything is going to be okay. The Lord is still on the throne. We're gunna make it." Larry Stockstill on his recently departed father of 97 years, Pastor Roy Stockstill.


Below is a memorial of a holy man, who lived a long and blessed life. It is inspirational for me to hear of his joy and rest. You may not know him, I didn't either, but I have experienced the legacy that his obedience to God has created.

How safe is too safe?

Jesus' words were bold. They were brave. They were true. Jesus himself was the Word of God--the word God used to create the universe--made man. And our Heavenly Father entrusted to us that very same Word to be proclaimed to all the nations of the Earth.

In Matthew 28, often referred to The Great Commission, Jesus spoke to his 11 disciples and commanded them:

 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.

As Christians, we are vessels of the Word of God.  We have to believe that the same saving power that God's word had for us, it will also have for others. We don't need anything else. Therefore, we do not need to sugarcoat, pussyfoot, elaborate, apologize for or defend it. All we need to do is "testify" to it.

But how can we make disciples if we ourselves aren't disciples? How can we proclaim the Word of God when we don't even know the Word of God.

God wants us to have hearts as pure as children's hearts, but an intellect of an adult--he wants us to have a mature understanding of Him. Therefore in order to make disciples, in order for us to become new creations "we must cultivate a hunger for the Word of God."1 We have got to read his Word, and Thanks be to God, His word is free to us! (Of course there are places where the bible is not accessible, but in most of the world, we can access 100 different translations of the bible just by using our smart phones.)

I'm being challenged in this area of my life. I want to be transformed and yet I'm not allowing the transformational power of the Word of God to enter my life. I'm not saturated with his Word. If God created Light and Sky and Water and the entire UNIVERSE by using his words, how transformative can that Word be when its full creative power is unleashed within me?

Filling the Void

Its has only been 2 weeks since Lent began, and I feel desperate when I see how much time I have left. I also thought that by breaking my addiction to social media and other media, that I would have been a healthier person, but I'm not. Maybe I've not given it enough time, but I find myself replacing social media with other just as unhealthy things.

See Lent is not a time just to abstain but also to take up. You remove something and fill the void with Christ.

That's what I've been missing.

I'm realizing now that when you remove something from a crowded space, that space doesn't remain empty. Something else comes in to fill it (even if it is just air molecules). This happens in our lives. If you take something out, you have to be intentional about putting something healthy and good back in. Because the space does not remain a void. It will be filled.

Repentance

I'm reading Bonhoeffer in my spare time at home, and listening to C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity on Audible in the car. Funny enough both were recently touching on the theme of Repentance.

Enjoy!

"Now what was the sort of "hole" man had got himself into? He had tried to set up on his own, to behave as if he belonged to himself. In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realising that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor-- that is the only way out of a 'hole.' This process of surrender--this movement full speed astern--is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death... Remember, this repentance, this willing submission to humiliation and a kind of death, is not something God demands of you before He will take you back and which He could let you off if He chose: it is simply a description of what going back to Him is like. If you ask God to take you back without it, you are really asking Him to let you go back without going back. It cannot happen. "C.S.Lewis, Mere Christianity Ch4 pg 59-60

"The Gospel is protected by the preaching of repentance which calls sin sin and declares the sinner guilty.  The key to loose is protected by the key to bind.  The preaching of grace can only be protected by the preaching of repentance." Bonhoeffer


Bonus Bonhoeffer quote (page 272) that relates to my recent post, which you can read by clicking here.

"We must be able to speak about our faith so that hands will be stretched out toward us faster than we can fill them... Do not try to make the Bible relevant. Its relevance is axiomatic... Do not defend God's Word, but testify to it... Trust to the Word. It is a ship loaded to the very limits of its capacity!"

Metaxas continues, "He wished to impress upon his ordinands that when one truly presented the Word of God, it would undo people because it had the innate power to help them see their own need and would give the answer to that need in a way that was not larded over with 'religion' or false piety. The grace of God, without filter or explanation, would touch people."