disappointing

the saints... wow...

you know those moments when you suddenly see the truth. for a long time my life as been very blurry. i didnt know what to do. i didnt know the right decision. what was right for me. what was going to make me happy. and i was close to making a decision towards the wrong thing. my life has changed dramatically since august. i lost christian, i lost my home, i lost my jobs, i lost my school. and then i start gaining a new life and new friends and new experiences. and new everything but the thing is is that i was just meant to wait. wait until things got better again. i was going to make changes, permanent changes in my life. but that is not the thing to do. i know that right now that that is not the right thing to do.

Freud got something right...

i spent 12-14 hours yesterday racking my brain through a problem of mine that i cant seem to let go. [probably because its in my face everyday] well for the first time in my life i reveal my humanity and disclose every nook and crany to my friend, Andy. so andy and i discuss this problem off and on for the entirity of yesterday. he gave me his advice; i told him my vices. I disclosed some background information, and he gave his opinion. and through all of this discussion, advices, interrogatories, and what not... I had a freudian slip and answered my own question. it just jumped out of my mouth in t he most awkward of times. both me and andy looked shocked and were quiet for a couple of seconds before andy starts jumping up and down and pointing at me saying,"thats it... thats it... you answered it. there's no more to say" it was the craziest thing that has ever happened. i guess because this was the first time that i let everything go. I wasnt super woman [like i always try to be]. i always want to solve thigns on my own. keep it bottled in. i never really talk about my 'feelings' or anything like that. and it took SEVERAL hours but it happened. i got my epiphany. wow

What if i only do things because i'm expected to or because i'm 'supposed' to. i wonder what really makes me happy. am i happy because i've accomplished the expectations of others or am i happy because i am truly happy.

another Jillien and Andy random moment

1:30 AM Jillien and Andy hold hands and jump into a freezing cold pool with all of our clothes on.
1:37 AM Jillien and Andy are uncontrollably shivering in a freezing cold pool with all of our clothes on.
1:39 AM Jillien and Andy get out of the pool, strip down, towel up and go back inside.

so i'm in a philosophical journey again

i was lucky enough to ask those life changing questions, question my faith, search for answers, study other philosophies really early in life. I'm very young and yet I've come to know who I am and what I want by 20. [I've actually known for a while] I did the whole antifoundationalism, anarchism, Taoism, Satanism, Catholicism thing. I've studied and read and learned and lived and questioned, negated, affirmed, believed all sorts of things. And I've finally finished... kind of. And now I've found and individual who is older than me, but in a point in his life similiar to a point in my life about 3-5 years ago. And its hard for me to answer some of his questions. Questions that I, myself, have asked and answered. Its like I don't remember. I guess it wasn't the actual answer, but the peace that the answer brought to my life that was important. and since i can't answer it for him, he's going to have to do it himself. which is cool because the only thing i can do is point him in the right direction.

7 things

7 things i plan to do before i die:
1. get married
2. become rich
3. become mayor of new orleans, then gov'na and then on to the white house... seriously
4. star in a play
5. travel the world
6. adopt a child from a 3rd world country
7. a tummy tuck

7 things i can do:
1. sing
2. get good grades
3. type quickly
4. nurture
5. stand up for myself
6. dance
7. pay attention for long periods of time

7 things i cannot do:
1. lie
2. pull-ups
3. hold my tongue
4. say no
5. touch dirty dishes or sponges
6. sleep on dirty sheets
7. wink

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. looks mainly a handsome face
2. sense of humor
3. body
4. dance skills
5. intelligence
6. popularity
7. clothes

7 things that i say most often:
1. geez louise
2. tell me something nice
3. i love you
4. some sort of curse word
5. porfa and conper
6. god bless you
7. thanks

7 celebrity crushes:
1. MEL GIBSON
2. ryan reynolds
3. paul walker
4. angelina jolie
5. the dude from the notebook who used to play young hercules
6. the dude from not another teen movie. the brunette guy
7. brad pitt

7 people i want to do this:
i dont know that many people lol jk

i guess i would like all of celebrity crushes to do it.

I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE for a very important date

I went to the LSU game in Nashville, TN. It was a 12 hour road trip, and i actually didnt have as good of a time as i would have liked. the entire trip was STRESSFUL. a vacation was STRESSFUL. the individuals i was traveling with were way too strung out. they made going out and partying a stressful situation... which makes is no FUN. for example: we had been in the car for 12 hours. we FINALLY arrive in nashville at midnight. (all the bars close at 3) we get to the apartment of the sister of one of the travelers and the moment we walk in the door we are already getting YELLED at to hurry up and leave to go to a bar. they had already called a taxi and were waiting for us. we all had to rush and get out the house. i smelled like sweaty ass and was not about to go ANYWHERE without makeup and changing my clothes. i mean C'MON! so i'm getting shouted to hurry which was really pissing me off because i HONESTLY changed my clothes and did my hair and makeup in 7 minutes flat!$#@ so anyways we get in the taxi with everyone and i forgot my id and another friend forgot his wallet [i mean what do you expect! we just walked in the door and now we're rushing out. its a miracle we didnt forget more]

but basically everything was that stressful. everything was the rushed. like it was the biggest deal in the world to get there. I'm the type of person that likes things to happen when they happen. no rush to go out and party. the party starts when we get there.. ya know?