reality are us

ever stop and think why people are so curious to read, watch, observe, snoop in other people's lives. this american infactuation with reality as if their own reality isn't enough 'real' for them. I'm the same way. i love to look through everyone's blogger just to see how someone else thinks and writes and spells and jokes. its cute and its candid which is why i like it. i like the fact that unless i comment they probably wont know i read them. when we type anyone can read. strangers who barely care....

not much to say:

sooooo my aunt needed my car again and i lent it to her. now im carless again and i'm bored. all day i've been bored hehe. its cool though. hopefully i get a ride to the br. it would be cool to have something to do.

I miss Bryan

i miss doing quirky things in the middle of the night in the name of spontaneity. i find it sad knowing how much fun we had together and how it all went away. *tear*

CHRISTIAN

christian is a beautiful man and a wonderful boyfriend who spends his life trying to make me happy and living for me. he deserves perfection. i miss being perfect for you christian

friendly strangers

Lately many people that i had written off in my life are coming back... it is so strange trying to talk to someone that knows SO MUCH about your life because you shared a lot of it with them, but have been pretending as if that person is a complete stranger or doesnt exist. wow starting over... or maybe it isnt starting over for me; maybe it just a continuation but just in a different way. we could never be the way we were so we are going to have to settle for the way we are.

FIRST FIG

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends---
It gives a lovely light!

----Edna St. Vincent Millay

there are those that try to make me happy, and they do a good job........ really. its just that there are so many things on my mind. so many different factors that act upon my emotions that it is difficult to choose one emotion and stick with it. in general i would say that i'm a happy person and that there are certain aspects of my life that i am unhappy about: it just so happens that those certain aspects are HUGE circumstances that weigh heavily upon my emotions. i am surprised, actually, when i think of the people in my life that want me to be happy, i feel like i hurt so many people that by now i should have run out of helpful souls. i love and appreciate my friends and my loves and my family. i barely deserve such attention and delicacy.

To Robbie

no we havent spoken in a long time. i think since February... can you believe it almost a year kinda? we were best friends but things change... i hope you are well. i wish you well. its interesting that you found this blogger but its cool if you read. i welcome everyone i know to read.

peace easy robbie

i've really been out of it lately. sad and happy, confused and clear everything and anything :) but i'm getting better. i've been chilling in baton rouge a lot. i'm really starting to get freaked out knowing that school is just around the corner. i havent gone to a class since august and that was only like 3 classes. what if i really mess up my grades from lack of education? if you know me you know that my gpa is the most important thing to me right now. i hope i do well. i need to get back to a routine; back to normality

LOTS OF NEW PICS ON MY PIC PAGE CLICK HERE

**Remember the link for the picture page is always at the bottom of the left sidebar :)

i hate it

some dude: listen to this... one time we all went to Nicaragua and decided to go clubbing but outside the club we almost got in a fight with a whole bunch of mexicans

Jillien: there were mexicans in nicaragua!?!?

i honestly didnt know he meant nicaraguans... but isnt that funny? if you are latino you are considered by many to be mexican even if you are in nicaragua or maybe honduras or perhaps guatemala, costa rica, belize, el salvador, panama, columbia, argentina, venezuela, etc etc etc there are many different countries. and we are all called different things. i mean just because you are from north america are you called canadian? i mean its cool but at the same time its not?

Lance Corporal Underground

christian just called me. we were on the phone for about an hour. i think i cried like 75% of the time. he got promoted yesterday. YAY! and he misses me. he says that i'm the only thing that gets him through the days; "knowing that we are going to be happy." i'm still crying as i'm typing this. i know you know why.

disappointing

the saints... wow...

you know those moments when you suddenly see the truth. for a long time my life as been very blurry. i didnt know what to do. i didnt know the right decision. what was right for me. what was going to make me happy. and i was close to making a decision towards the wrong thing. my life has changed dramatically since august. i lost christian, i lost my home, i lost my jobs, i lost my school. and then i start gaining a new life and new friends and new experiences. and new everything but the thing is is that i was just meant to wait. wait until things got better again. i was going to make changes, permanent changes in my life. but that is not the thing to do. i know that right now that that is not the right thing to do.

Freud got something right...

i spent 12-14 hours yesterday racking my brain through a problem of mine that i cant seem to let go. [probably because its in my face everyday] well for the first time in my life i reveal my humanity and disclose every nook and crany to my friend, Andy. so andy and i discuss this problem off and on for the entirity of yesterday. he gave me his advice; i told him my vices. I disclosed some background information, and he gave his opinion. and through all of this discussion, advices, interrogatories, and what not... I had a freudian slip and answered my own question. it just jumped out of my mouth in t he most awkward of times. both me and andy looked shocked and were quiet for a couple of seconds before andy starts jumping up and down and pointing at me saying,"thats it... thats it... you answered it. there's no more to say" it was the craziest thing that has ever happened. i guess because this was the first time that i let everything go. I wasnt super woman [like i always try to be]. i always want to solve thigns on my own. keep it bottled in. i never really talk about my 'feelings' or anything like that. and it took SEVERAL hours but it happened. i got my epiphany. wow

What if i only do things because i'm expected to or because i'm 'supposed' to. i wonder what really makes me happy. am i happy because i've accomplished the expectations of others or am i happy because i am truly happy.

another Jillien and Andy random moment

1:30 AM Jillien and Andy hold hands and jump into a freezing cold pool with all of our clothes on.
1:37 AM Jillien and Andy are uncontrollably shivering in a freezing cold pool with all of our clothes on.
1:39 AM Jillien and Andy get out of the pool, strip down, towel up and go back inside.

so i'm in a philosophical journey again

i was lucky enough to ask those life changing questions, question my faith, search for answers, study other philosophies really early in life. I'm very young and yet I've come to know who I am and what I want by 20. [I've actually known for a while] I did the whole antifoundationalism, anarchism, Taoism, Satanism, Catholicism thing. I've studied and read and learned and lived and questioned, negated, affirmed, believed all sorts of things. And I've finally finished... kind of. And now I've found and individual who is older than me, but in a point in his life similiar to a point in my life about 3-5 years ago. And its hard for me to answer some of his questions. Questions that I, myself, have asked and answered. Its like I don't remember. I guess it wasn't the actual answer, but the peace that the answer brought to my life that was important. and since i can't answer it for him, he's going to have to do it himself. which is cool because the only thing i can do is point him in the right direction.

7 things

7 things i plan to do before i die:
1. get married
2. become rich
3. become mayor of new orleans, then gov'na and then on to the white house... seriously
4. star in a play
5. travel the world
6. adopt a child from a 3rd world country
7. a tummy tuck

7 things i can do:
1. sing
2. get good grades
3. type quickly
4. nurture
5. stand up for myself
6. dance
7. pay attention for long periods of time

7 things i cannot do:
1. lie
2. pull-ups
3. hold my tongue
4. say no
5. touch dirty dishes or sponges
6. sleep on dirty sheets
7. wink

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. looks mainly a handsome face
2. sense of humor
3. body
4. dance skills
5. intelligence
6. popularity
7. clothes

7 things that i say most often:
1. geez louise
2. tell me something nice
3. i love you
4. some sort of curse word
5. porfa and conper
6. god bless you
7. thanks

7 celebrity crushes:
1. MEL GIBSON
2. ryan reynolds
3. paul walker
4. angelina jolie
5. the dude from the notebook who used to play young hercules
6. the dude from not another teen movie. the brunette guy
7. brad pitt

7 people i want to do this:
i dont know that many people lol jk

i guess i would like all of celebrity crushes to do it.

I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE for a very important date

I went to the LSU game in Nashville, TN. It was a 12 hour road trip, and i actually didnt have as good of a time as i would have liked. the entire trip was STRESSFUL. a vacation was STRESSFUL. the individuals i was traveling with were way too strung out. they made going out and partying a stressful situation... which makes is no FUN. for example: we had been in the car for 12 hours. we FINALLY arrive in nashville at midnight. (all the bars close at 3) we get to the apartment of the sister of one of the travelers and the moment we walk in the door we are already getting YELLED at to hurry up and leave to go to a bar. they had already called a taxi and were waiting for us. we all had to rush and get out the house. i smelled like sweaty ass and was not about to go ANYWHERE without makeup and changing my clothes. i mean C'MON! so i'm getting shouted to hurry which was really pissing me off because i HONESTLY changed my clothes and did my hair and makeup in 7 minutes flat!$#@ so anyways we get in the taxi with everyone and i forgot my id and another friend forgot his wallet [i mean what do you expect! we just walked in the door and now we're rushing out. its a miracle we didnt forget more]

but basically everything was that stressful. everything was the rushed. like it was the biggest deal in the world to get there. I'm the type of person that likes things to happen when they happen. no rush to go out and party. the party starts when we get there.. ya know?