Playing the fool to catch the Wise

i need to learn that i don't have to be the best. just recently i had a talk with one of my teachers about always getting a's. and she basically hit the nail on the head. she said that getting a's was more of a competitive thing than an achievment. it means i'm better than you. and she was competely right. that is the exact reason i want A's. i want to be the best the smartest. i want to be number one. but that was always instilled in me. since i was a child i had to be an A. always! and if i were a "B" there came disappointment and resentment. and then that rubbed off on me. i hold that pressure within myself now. its horrible and i want to let it go. i want to just be satisfied. but then again if i lose my need for greatness will i then become mediocre. Because that is worse than death in my opinion. being nothing special, average, hmmm. am i wrong about this. [ i know i am]

good and evil`

i'm really having some theological questions. but mostly when it comes to good and evil. me and lee have been in an on-going conversation about theology for about 4 months. Certain theories and concerns:

1. Does God create everything and then just step aside and allow randomness to occur, which means the creation of innately evil people and events or occur. but then that leavees no room for destiny or a reason for life.
2. Does God have his hand in all of creation for all of time then how do you explain horrible things [of course not natural disasters because i dont personally feel that hurricanes and tornados are evil but NATURAL] does God create someone or something evil? how? for God is good.

my conclusion: maybe 'god' is just an entity where good and evil coexist as one, where all creation takes up good and evil qualities. which would explain everything but negate my whole religion. i dont know what to think. i'm going to keep studying

mart dreams

sitting in a laundry-mat... wishing i was at wal-mart...aww i miss walmart lee never takes me anymore even though he knows i love it so much. and i dont have one by my house anymore because i was affected by hurricane katrina and he wasnt but he's selfish like that

burnt out

So i'm working at a new firm. OMYGOODNESS i have never been SO busy in all of my life. its to the point that after work i literally have that burn out. you know, the one that OLD PEOPLE get. like this zombie state, but at the same time i'm still super charged. i find me talking to myself. its scary lol i talk to my friends like i talk to clients. i need to learn how to unstress myself. if i continue going like this i'll get grey hair by 23. i need to learn that theres a time to be on edge and let some other times just chill out. why isnt that i continue to hold on to my stress? is it because it makes me feel more important? [i doubt it but its a possibility] OR is it that i've never learned how to flip the switch.

Raza

I'm not very sensitive when it comes to cultural or racial jokes. I really feel like I'm good at laughing at myself. But at the same time I know when someone is being ugly. Mayor Nagin-Racist. Racist or Crazy Person. anyways....

Illegal Latinos:
*working
*trying to build a life in a better country- a country, which, may i add, treats them like dogs, and enjoys feeling superior to people who work in occupations that are hard, stressful, dangerous and undesirable. also they cannot speak english so of course they must be stupid WRONG! [can you speak spanish? what about italian? french? russian? anything other than english... i didnt think so. and by the way the United States of America has NO official language or religion or anything like that so dont get confused in thinking that they need to speak OUR language... theres no such thing]

some people need to learn some empathy. Learn to show people respect. Everyone deserves HUMAN respect, even those humans that dont act too human. Be grateful that someone is picking up your SHIT because we all know you wont pick it up. [neither would i]

Be grateful that someone is fixing your roof! and to think that there are some people living in TENTS and getting up EARLY to go fix things, build things, basically work their asses off just to make a little money.

Go to a latin market with a western union on a friday night and it will be PACKED with men trying to send money back home to their families. Because thats what matters to these people: family. So they put up with your racism, hatred and ignorance because they KNOW what is really important to devote their energy towards.

first day of class

i tell my new literature teacher that i completely disagree with what she just said about her interpretation of a native american story. AS WE ALLLLL KNOW: native americans used a lot of symbolic characters and metaphores in their writings. well this certain individual [the teacher] thought that a story about a man breaking wind so hard it was like explosions and he was being thrown around up in trees, and losing control of his bowels that made a pile so high it reached the tree tops was a LITERAL STORY?!?! "see when most of us get into a bad situation we say 'i got myself into a pile of shit' well the native americans literally come out and say 'i'm in a pile of shit' [class laughs, Jillien raises her hand. ] It probably would not have been so bad had she not made this comment in the middle of me trying to explain what i thought the passage meant, symbolically, may i add, just like any good english major would.

hopefully she doesnt tilt my grade to the lower side because of my defiance... what do you think? bad move on the first day?

YAWN

i have been soooo sleepy lately. the other dya i went to sleep around 10:30 and i could barely pick my head up at 8 in the morning [thats 10 hours of sleep] and the OTHER OTHER day i fell asleep at 7 PM and woke up at 9PM isnt that crazy. [thats 14 hours] its like my new busy as hell life is really taking a toll on me! i dont know how much more i can sleep or go without sleep. today i slept until 10:30 and it felt wonderful. i think my problem is not how much sleep i get but what time im waking up. my BODY doesnt like to wake up in the wee hours of the morning. its painful it sucks. and i HATE IT.

My friend Naomi's sweet sixteen [we are the same age]

isnt this hilarious! this is me around sixteen years old. look how young everyone is. i know most of you dont know this combination of people but its just funny those small memories that you forget and then you see an old photo of the event or of that time in you life and you are embarrassed all by yourself. just embarrassed for no reason at all. kind of like its embarrassing being young or something. this was a fun time in my life. this was a fun night. look at the goofey hat that my friend ashley has on sitting right next to me. THAT SOO FREGGING FUNNY! it was probably really cool back in [2001-2002] wow that wasnt that long ago. i mean im 20 now. i was sixteen then. it really wasnt that long, but when you think about it: the amount of time that has passed is equivalent to the amount of time i spent in highschool. its crazy. hehe time flies!

There's a Grandfather's Clock in the Hall

By:Robert Penn Warren

There's a grandfather's clock in the hall, watch it closely. The
minute hand stands still, then it jumps, and in between jumps
there is no-Time,
And you are a child again watching the reflection of early morning
sunlight on the ceiling above your bed,

Or perhaps you are fifteen feet under water and holding your breath
as you struggle with a rock-snagged anchor, or holding your
breath just long enough for one more long, slow thrust to make
the orgasm really intolerable,
Or you are wondering why you really do not give a damn, as they
trundle you off to the operating room,

Or your mother is standing up to get married and is very pretty,
and excited and is a virgin, and your heart overflows, and
you watch her with tears in your eyes, or
She is the one in the hospital room and she is really dying.

They have taken our her false teeth, which are now in a tumbler
on the bedside table, and you know that only the undertaker
will ever put them back in.
You stand there and wonder if you will ever have to wear false
teeth.

She is lying on her back, and God, is she ugly, and
With gum-flabby lips and each word a special problem, she is
asking if it is a new suit that you are wearing.

You say yes, and hate her uremic guts, for she has no right to make
you hurt the way that question hurts.
You do not know why that question makes your heart hurt like a
kick in the scrotum,

For you do not yet know that the question, in its murderous triviality,
is the last thing she will ever say to you,

Nor know what baptism is occurring in a sod-roofed hut or hole on
the night-swept steppes of Asia, and a million mouths, like
ruined stars in darkness, make a rejoicing that howls like
wind, or wolves,

Nor do you know the truth, which is: Seize the nettle of innocence
in both your hands, for this is the only way, and every
Ulcer in love's lazaret may, like a dawn-stung gem, sing—or even
burst into whoops of, perhaps, holiness.

But, in any case, watch the clock closely. Hold your breath and wait.
Nothing happens, nothing happens, then suddenly, quick as a wink,
and slick as a mink's prick, Time thrusts through the time of no-Time.

me long time no blog

well lets put things shortly:

i started school on monday
and work at a new firm on tuesday.

i'm super stressed out and i need sleep!!!!

my new job is in kenner and i am on the westbank. yesterday i got stuck in traffic for an hour from kenner to school i had class at seven. and then last night tito [my kitten] wouldnt let me go to sleep and he tore up my arms biting and scratching! i'm soo tired guys. i know its been long since i've posted but i think that i'll be able to do more now!

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE...

well except for me. i spent the entire night throwing up. i ended up not doing anything but laying down last night! totally sucked, but i hope everyone had a great time last night, hope everyone was safe and careful, and lastly, i hope that you all came up with wonderful and helpful new years resolutions.

Here's mine:
1) get back in shape
2)stop using god's name in vain [ i say jesus christ a lot]
3) stop pronouncing the word 'point' like 'pernt'
4) really concentrate in school
5) and i had another one but it just left my brain