My yoke is easy and my burden is light

Easy
Ease
Gentle
Cool Breeze,
Yellow and Red
Falling
Leaves,
Tall and thin
Blades of Grass
Bending softly
Against the wind.
Long, slow kisses
And soft firm skin
Wavy locks
Of hair that blend
Blonde and brown
And black and gray.
Everything
I see today
Pushes the darkness
Farther away.

Put myself out there

Didn't let the flat tires deter me

From setting out into the warm sun

And the cool breeze

Clear skies

And a new lease

On life

With fresh eyes

and my soul set free

From the darkness that was cast upon me.

There it is

Took a minute
But now I see
What I was missing
Was humility--
The power to make
My life and wants smaller
All while making
Your greatness taller,
Bolder,
Stronger,
Right to the front
Of my mind and my thoughts.
See I knew something was wrong!
I had belief
But no love.
I had knowledge
With no awe.
And it took one dancing child
With her arms raised high
And her joyful smile
And her gleaming eyes
Bursting with gladness flowing from inside
To remind
Me of the happiness that comes
From being a child of the most high one.
So here it goes:
"Glory Glory Glory
To the Lord God Almighty,"
As I join with the chorus
of the Angels on high
That with every breath
Proclaim with pride
That they surrender their lives
To their Lord Jesus Christ.

I went home

I recently traveled back to New Orleans after being away for over 3 years. I didn't take my husband or kids. It was just me---traveling solo.
And it was the most liberated I have felt in ages. I was able to visit everyone i wanted for as long as I wanted without having to feel guilty for leaving my kids to be taken care of or having to beg Lee to come along. I was in complete control.

I went to a wedding and danced.
I went to a bar and played pool all night.
I drove to the lower 9th, to arabi, to marrero, to kenner, to terry town, to boomtown casino!

Just everywhere.

The love that I received was overwhelming. People who love and miss me were just lavishing me with attention and nothing on this planet could have prepared me for it.

Trust me, I feel like God brought us to Raleigh and he has plans for our lives here, but what I have back in New Orleans is special. I have history and deep affection. I forgot about that...

Challenge pt 1

I decided to challenge myself to write something happy. But I needed inspiration. So I've put together a series of photographs that I've taken through the years and allowed them to take me back to that place--of joy, or warmth, or peace, or contentment. 

Dappled
Beneath the broad and cool canopy
Of your heart-shaped leaves
Once deep burgundy
Have now turned green
Peaceful and quiet
tranquil yet defiant
Through the rustles and creeks
That the wind
Uses to welcome and greet.

Mini-breakdown

My mind is in a state of change--

insecure and unfastened.

My spirit slightly broken,

Bruised, and disheartened.

"You think too much" 

"You push too much"

"Just let it go"

"Just let them be"

And deep inside I keep wondering

"Why does it always have to be me?"

The one to apologize

The one to adjust

The one to bend

And the one to rush

To take on so much

For those who care so little

And with every breath

Condemn and belittle

All that I do

And all that I care for

Without any concern for the time

And the effort 

I invest in this chore?

Give me a break!

My goodness, My God!

I do this because I love.

And I don't need any thanks or any praise

But some Grace

Would be nice.

And some flexibility 

Would be great!

And just like the words on this page

All blurted out and spewed all over

My hurt is dulled

And my spirit glazed over

With the numbing mist

That it instinctively applies

When little chips and little hurts

Expose the tender me inside.

Mending and strengthening

Until the next injury arrives.

I am silent inside

They search for her. Without rest. Navigating under mossy limbs of large cedars. It is dark. The blackness of the trees and the moist green moss creates an intoxicating--dizzying--feeling. And all the while they call out for her. Nothing.

She hears their calls. But the light behind her eyes has died.  "I am silent inside," she whispers to no one.

Pent Up

I can feel it in the deepest parts of me
Coiled and harnessed--threatening to break free.

Ps 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3 NIV)

When I'm in trouble
When I'm feeling weak
When I'm all alone
And the ground beneath my feet
crumbles.

When I'm attacked and talked about
When I'm accused and lied about
When I'm overlooked and forgotten about
And when every step I take,
I stumble.

I press.
I press into what I know
Not what I feel
Not what I see
And not what I hear.

I press into your presence
I press into another day
I press into your word
And I let the rest slip away

I press into who you are
And what you've done for me
I press into what I've learned
And let the rest go free.

Then even though I'm angry
And even though I'm sad
and regardless of my attitude
I know I'm not all bad

I know that I am loved
I know that I am trying
I know that I've been wronged
And I'm going to stop relying

On others to do right by me
On others to be by my side
On others to be fair to me
On others not to lie
On others to love me
On others to forgive
On others to think of me
As much as I think of them

How do you know?

Do you think you know me?
Do you think you know who I am?
Do you think I lay it all on the line?
Then you believe a lie.

A couple months back

I wrote down almost every word that was racing through my mind. I typed them into my phone, and now I'll post them here.

From June 4, 2015 12:14 AM

Half-truths

Apologies for half-truths
Aren't even truthful apologies
Cause you can't even own up
That you're a liar.

On the Inside

I wish I were more like you
Nothing but light on the inside
Every time I open my mouth
Nothing but kindness comes out.

In the Darkness

My eyes are sore
My head is throbbing
My body wants rest
But my mind keeps running
And crashing
And tripping
And skidding
Over every word and glance and.....

Words

It's hard to organize my thoughts
My words are all compounded

My head hurts

I feel this pressure
It builds around my temples
And then slowly moves toward my eyes
Its a sign
That my brain is failing me
That I've pushed the limits of my consciousness
That my body is betraying me and desires
That which I abhor
The unconscious
The nocturnal amnesia
Sleep.

Searching for Beauty

Recently someone posted a video on my wall of a young lady who was dressed in a tiny bikini that she was bursting out of while proactively dancing. The video is shared mostly to make fun of this young girl, who is on the heavier side, as she "gyrates" her body for the whole world to see. One of the commenters on the video defended and congratulated the young lady for having the self-confidence to dance and showcase her body--regardless of her size. But in reply someone else wrote this:

"eso no es seguridad ,es exhibicionismo....una persona segura de si misma no haria tal cosa...ahora en estos tiempos la seguridad es sinonimo de no tener verguenza y hacer tonteras...punto..."

To translate she says:
"That is not self-confidence; it is exhibitionism...A person who is confident wouldn't do such a thing. In these times confidence is synonymous with having no shame and doing foolish things...period..."

Plastering your half naked body (regardless if you're a size 2 or a size 22) on the internet is not a sign of confidence because people who are self-secure do not need the validation of strangers on the internet. They only need know their identity in Christ (as a friend of mine likes to say). You are beautiful because beauty is intrinsic and universal to all God's creation. It doesn't matter your size, your complexion, or any other physical trait. Beauty is within.

Year 9

On year 9

I wasn't thinking about me or mine

I was thinking about you

And yours

Praying and planning

To bring life 

To give more

To bring peace

To implore

You to seek love

And instead you bore

Into me.

Always Then

For a moment she could hear the waters softly murmuring as she laid in the darkness--their gentle lulling enveloping the slow exhalations of the one beside her, until it had swallowed them whole. He had listlessly drifted into the cool current of Lethe--leaving her alone on the shore. Her torment both physical and mental were sending raking tremors through her, although she remained perfectly still. She was paralyzed by her terror-her constant companion, the reel looping endlessly in her mind.  The visions of what had passed continued to play before her eyes, so that now was meaningless. There was no now. Only then. Always then. 

Full Life

My life is full to the brim
But I always find time to fit you in
Because You are my friend
I wish you felt the same on your end....

Story of my Life

I remember there was a time

When I was willing to throw it all away for you---

For someone whom I loved, 

But for someone who played me as a fool.

I was standing on the edge

Not so much ready to jump,

But to fall

For you.

Lived and died for you

Woke up and thought of you

Fell asleep and dreamt of you

Was ready to give it up for you

Thought I lived for you

But I was tricked by you...

What a fool

I was.

Took time to get over you

Not the same as forgive you

Not the same as fall out of love for you

But to move on from you

Moved far away

And stayed away

And strayed from faith

Then made my way back again

Had to suffer and repent again

and again

And again.

Had to find Christ when I was broken

Had to rebuilt the trust I had forgotten

Had to ask God for a new heart that was open

To seeing the goodness that I had forsaken.

I was and remain a fool.

A fool who has made mistakes

Who loved whom she should have hated

Who trusted when she should have waited

Who felt real things but who spent her time faking it. 

This is the story of my life. 

Quotes of Late--Lia Edition

[Lia and I are walking in the magazine section of Barnes and Noble when she notices a cover with 1Direction.]

Lia: "Mom! Did you know 1Direction is breaking up?"
Me: "Yeah, Zayn is leaving..."
Lia: "Who?"
Me: "Zayn."
Lia: "Which one is Zayn?"

I point to Zayn on the magazine cover....

Lia: "Phew!"
----------------------------------------------
Lia is telling me a story about an argument she had with the boys in her class.....

Lia: "And then [insert boy name] said 'girls fight like this...' and he started waving his hands around all silly. And then I said, 'Does Princes Leia fight like that?!!" and he was like, "No." and then I said "I GOTCHA!"

--------------------------------------------

Lia: "This song reminds me of Spiderman."
Me: "Why?"
Lia: "Because it's like a smooth jam, and Spiderman's webs are smooth...."

---------------------------------------------

Me: "Who's your favorite superhero?"
Lia: "hmmmm........ She Hulk."

---------------------------------------------

Me: "What are you reading about?"
Lia: "The Wasp"
Me: "Who is he?"
Lia: "Wasp is a girl, mom...."

Cold

I appreciate the cold air.
Cleansing and refreshing
And when it stings against my face
I imagine i'm receiving a blessing--
A penance
A purification through the pain
See fire destroys
But ice sustains
It preserves
It maintains.
Really....
I'm hot enough already.
Don't need much more
To set me ablaze.

Inspired

I want so much to say

Its you who inspires me.

But that would be a lie

And at this point in my life

I just haven't got the time--

To pretend

To envy

To strain to feel

What I don't.

Its the empty and the lonely times

Its the anger and the rage

Its the cold and hot and ups and downs

That make me want to create.

I want so much to say

That I feel you deep inside

That I speak to you every day

That its you who keeps me alive

But that would be a lie

And at this point in my life

I just haven't got the time

To pretend

To envy

To strain to feel

What I used to hide. 

gradient white

In my unfinished draft of my poem gradient, i'd forgotten to post this also unfinished draft of the white portion. I've no idea where it goes. or how it really fits in. but here it is, in it's unfinished splendor....

Ever wonder why

I've felt this way for a while now--
 Cold and empty inside.
 No words to write
Because there's no life to describe.

My hand reaching

Since I'm the one with the pencil....I penciled in some nails (since in reality I bit them all the way down)

Lee's hand resting on a scrap of paper

If I sit and stare long enough....

things like this happen

If I'm in the car, I start doodling what I see--most of the times, it's sketches of my feet.

If I'm in church, I start doodling on the weekly newsletter or writing all over my hands.

Then I take my doodles and throw them in the trash.

Maybe I'll start taking little pics of them and then throw them in the trash--just like I did with this banana on my desk.  I ate the banana, then threw the scarp paper away.  But now it's here for you to enjoy :)

J

Gradient--unfinished draft

I never publish works-in-progress. I usually go through a long self-editing process.

But then my changes are lost, and there's no way to retrieve those original words I'd chosen.

I remember studying classic literature in college, and being able to read the rough-drafts of poems and plays--as they were transforming into the masterpieces we all know today.

Now none of my work is a masterpiece. But I thought it would be cool to save a rough draft for once. Keep it logged. That way when I change a word or delete a line or put a comma in and then take it out. I'd remember.

love IS

Yesterday at church the sermon was about Love. Very appropriate considering it was (St.)Valentine's weekend.

We spent time in 1Cr13--in the passages where Love is described... Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful...

And our pastor spoke about what it looks like to be patient, what it means to be kind, or not envious etc...

But one thing struck me, as an aside really, and it revolved around "love IS," or to be more specific it revolved about what it meant to BE kind, to BE patient, etc. 

See there's a difference between being kind and acting kind. When you look up kind in the dictionary it is defined as a good and benevolent nature. It means the very essence of what someone is is good and benevolent. 

Sometimes as Christians we pat ourselves on the back when we exhibit self-control. What I mean is that we see someone or are put in a situation where we can be rude, impatient, judgmental, etc... And on the inside we are thinking so many things: little insults or wise cracks, inside we're boiling with impatience, inside we're furious. But we rein it all in, and then congratulate ourselves for BEING so Kind. 

When in fact, people who ARE kind, whose natures are truly kind, whose natures are truly patient, aren't thinking of wisecracks and insults. They aren't actually frustrated but holding it in. 

They really are waiting patiently. They really only have soft and kind thoughts about people. They are gracious. 

Don't get me wrong, it is a tremendous feat to hold one's tongue and to exhibit self-control, but that's only the first step. We've got to pray for a transformation of our nature. We need God to help transform us into GENUINELY kind and patient persons. 

Because otherwise we are just ACTING kind and ACTING patiently. We ARE not genuinely that way. 

See Jesus clarified the law for us in Matthew 5. He went further than simply condemning acting upon our sinful nature, but he went so far as to condemn even our sinful thoughts.  Jesus realized that our thoughts reveal a lot about our natures.

_____________________________________

I have the perfect example of living kindness in my husband--a man who is truly kind. 

A number of years back while we were in marriage counseling, we did an exercise. It took us hours, but we sat down and dug into our natures. We searched for who we are at our cores. To better understand each other, it was important to try to pin down that one quality that permeates almost every action and thought. 

Mine was Passion.

Lee's was Kindness.

At the very core of who Lee IS is kind. It explains why he only sees the good in people, to the point of it harming him in relationships and friendships. It explains why he's hurt when people take advantage of his niceness. He has often spoken to me about how people in his life have mistaken his kindness for weakness. And after yesterday's sermon, it explains why he would say this, 

I mean the sermon today was all common sense...Just be genuine!

 Of course being genuine to him would mean being patient and kind--it's who he genuinely is! But that is not the case for most of us, especially me.

I know that I'm not as naturally kind as my husband, but I pray to God to transform me into a kinder and more loving person. 

One Word: Achieve

I was once very ambitious

And competitive to the point of vicious. 

Each challenge was met as an affront--

Stalking my opponent and preparing to hunt.

Till one day my confidence was broken

And I was no longer brave and outgoing

In my place was someone guarded and scared

Dreams left to die because I refused to dare.

And here I am older and irrelevant

trying to start over--to write a new testament.

My one dream is to find something to achieve

And yet I'm so scared to even believe.

Exhilarating

I skim my fingertips across your smooth skin--
Feeling and pinching you.
You are delicate but resilient,
As my zealous hands explore you further.

You feel so familiar to me, but in every way that matters
You're completely new.
And while, I feel like I can predict where this is going--
How this is going to end,

I need you to bring me there.

I always get like this toward the end.
You're irresistible to me.

And once I've had you
Felt you
Consumed you
I place you among the countless others.

Physically forgotten
But eternally etched in my soul--
In the very stuff that makes me
me.