My Induction

No not into the Best Moms on Earth Hall-of-Fame, but the official eviction notice of baby girl #2.
I knew that it was protocol to schedule an induction when you've gone past your due date, so today when the surgery nurse calls at 11:30AM to say that I'm scheduled for Sunday morning, I was nervous but felt relieved that I had a little time for this child to come naturally and spontaneously.  Imagine my surprise when she calls back around 2 to say... Ummmm never mind. We need you to come in tonight. There's a scheduling conflict. Its now or never. She starts talking about me being in risk for a c-section. And how, after I practically wigged out on the phone about why on God's green Earth would I be at risk for cesarian?!?!?!, this is the first time that she's ever had a woman not want to be induced and how everyone else was usually like "okay let's do it."

So I literally spent 2+hours crying, wigging out, and talking to the surgery nurse, until FINALLY and ingeniously, my sister-in-law advised me to tell the nurse that I no longer wanted to communicate with her, but instead to have the doctor call  and advise me, which he did!

And he calmed my nerves. He said that if I were his wife, he would have me come in tonight. That it was in the best interest of the baby. And in a metaphor that I found more endearing than offensive, he compared my pregnancy to baking cookies, saying that he prefers his cookies chewier rather than crispy, and right now this baby's getting crispy. He let me know that I'm at lowest risk NOW and that the risk only increases as time passes.

So all this to say that I'm heading to the hospital tonight by 8:30 and that I'll have a baby by tomorrow. While it's not the way I wanted for all this to happen, I am confident that God is with me and will watch over my family. Thanks to all of you for your prayers.

And as a side note. Just minutes ago, my husband came up to me with this to say:

Lee: Can we just take a moment to massage each other, I have so much stress and pains....?

[What does he know about stress and pains! hahahah]

Waiting

Sitting alone

Speaking to no one

Listening to the hum of my ceiling fan set to high,

I'm on edge.

Every crack and pop of settling furniture and walls

Causes my head to turn.

Every second that has passed

Since their departure,

Has been spent in this fashion--

Anxiously awaiting their return.

I've settled into a state of constant anticipation.

My mother in Law

Has come to visit and stay during my "critical period." My due date is the 31st, and she'll be here until the 4th to help us with my eldest, if we have to rush to the hospital in the middle of the night or stay extendedly.  I don't know about you, but it's always been difficult for me to have a guest stay over because I feel like I need to keep up appearances, keep a cleaner house, maintain a stocked fridge and pantry, etc....
And it is on this last point that I wish to settle.

don't judge the obvious
 disorganization and overall
lack of cleanliness of my
pantry, s'il vous plait.

She has gone shopping. Grocery shopping. And purchased almost every single item that never fits into our budget. She literally shopped right off of our grocery wish list. Things like cream cheese, crackers, salsa con queso, frozen chicken nuggets, and much much more.

My friends all made fun of me a few months back because I was explaining how my husband wanted a box of crackers, which I did not buy because it wasn't in my budget. (almost all snack food, fruit juices, ready made breakfast items are out of the budget really) Then they all started trying to guess what kind of crackers it was.... Cheezit (sp?), ritz, pita, all these other fancy crackers, and I'm like, "No, saltines."

They thought I was ridiculous!! Surely I could squeeze in a box of saltine crackers!?! Wellllll I ended up feeling bad and going out to get my husband a box of saltines, and he was eternally grateful. It actually felt so good to have gotten him the saltines that I've become a little more lax with my shopping list and have allowed some goodies in there too (but definitely not at the expense of the toothpaste or something more important.)


But now I need not worry because my mother-in-law has purchased the coveted saltines, along with so many other things that I can't even express how grateful I am for her generosity. I'm sure to others a tub of store-brand strawberry cream cheese is no big deal, but to us it's like ambrosia because of how rare it is to find in our home.

Her visit has proven to be long overdue. Lia is overjoyed! She is quite honestly bouncing off the walls. My husband is thrilled to be with his mother, and I'm grateful and appreciative of her presence and the joy she is bringing to my family.

I was there too

Child,
I was there,
Behind the lens.
Although you can't see me,
I saw all there was to see,
Capturing all I could,
From behind the lens.
And now that you're grown
And memories are fading
And time is flying
And life is waiting--for no one,
I remember it all, my child.
I snapped it into eternity
Using that lens.
So in the years to come
When you're trying to relive
Some precious memories
By looking at these
Remember I was there too.

Delve

If I hear someone tell me I'm nesting, one more time....

I'm gunna go off (inside my head), but on the outside I'll just chuckle and say, "Yeah I suppose."

But lemme just tell you that it ticks me off.

If you were having a guest over to your home, would you not clean? If you were having someone move in, would you not have to move things around to make room? Why when I've got another human moving in with me for at least 18 years by means of birthing her are my cleaning and rearranging attributed to this irrational, hormone-induced hysteria known as "nesting?"

Any other time I single-mindedly clean and organize, others attribute it to a  normal "spring cleaning" mentality. Have a baby in your belly and people tilt their heads to the side, give you this all-knowing smile, and smartly comment on your nesting...

**Now after rereading this rant, I suppose I am a little hormonal and hysterical...Time for this baby to come! Then maybe I'll go  back to normal.***

Quotes of Late

Lee: There was definitely something wrong with that meat! You should have brought it back. It was probably some sort of hormone-injected, chemical cow!

Lia [after a play date at her friend's house]: That's why I didn't do it, when she said  let's put the chairs in the bathtub...
--I had to start paying closer attention to watch she was talking about, after I heard that!

OBGYN: "Your mom's got some skinny ankles."

My kid watches too much TV

When Lia was born, every second was its own precious moment. Each tick of the clock memorable and priceless. The time FLEW, and the weeks and months would pass in a flash, leaving me grasping at the fleeing coattails of time.

Five and a half years later, I all too often allow my kid to watch hours of television, while I clean and sit and check facebook and whatever other unproductive, un-impactful activity I can find to occupy my time other than staring at her beautiful face trying to remember every single line and freckle. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I'll remember this moment. Will I remember this little song she made up? Will I remember this funny little dance she's doing, and I try desperately to imprint it on my soul so that it becomes a part of who I am. So the next time I laugh or sing or dance, somewhere deep inside is the spirit of a little girl forever preserved in my eternal soul.

I honestly believe that my purpose for living is to be Lia's mother, and surely once we have our newest baby girl, my purpose will include her as well.

So I've spent these last 3 months dedicated to becoming a better mother. And being present in Lia's life in a way that I hadn't been the last year and a half of working outside the home. And trying to make memories. And attempt to become a better version of myself.  I can't say if it worked, but I can say I tried....

Today is the day!

I get to go grocery shopping today, and let me tell you-- the grocery situation in this house has become desperate!

We have barely anything and have been reduced to eating black beans for 2 days. But it was totally worth it because it means that I've succeeded.

Let me explain.
So given the new financial situation of our family, I've reevaluated my spending habits. Many things that were once STAPLES for our family; things that never even crossed my mind that they were wants and not needs--have been extricated from my home and no longer purchased by me. For example: Paper towels. I don't think I've bought a single package of paper towels for 5 months or so now! And have I missed them?!? No way, Jose! I purchased some cloths in a big package from Walmart and have never looked back. I don't wash any extra either. They don't take up a lot of space, and so I just throw them in the washing machine with whatever else needs washing, and it's done!

Every time I pick up a major spill with ONE cloth and then throw in the washer instead of the trashcan, it's like I've just passed some sort of cosmic test, and I totally whooped its butt!

But that's the not only thing. Especially when it comes to groceries. I buy No snack foods. No juices. No frozen meals. And all of those changes save up my cash to purchase food that will actually LAST me 2 weeks (or close to it, judging from my empty refrigerator). If I purchased a box of poptarts, my family would inhale it in 3 days max! and there goes a $3 /3 day investment. But a bag of flour makes pancakes and waffles for months!

Don't get me wrong there are things that we consume, almost gluttonously, like CEREAL! It's a definite need for my family. I bet they would rather go vegetarian and me never buy meat again, if it interfered with my buying of cereal.  It's serious business.

So I guess, my advice to anyone who is in need of curbing his or her spending is to first mentally prepare yourself to be uncomfortable AT FIRST. Because we are spoiled as a society. So any type of sacrifice or curbing of habits can be almost painful, but I need to assure you that you will persevere! Once you get into the hang of things, you will be just as comfortable or even more comfortable than before because you know in the back of your head how smart you're being.  Secondly, see how bare-bones you can go. What do I mean by that? Well start eliminating things from your shopping list that used to be an automatic addition.  For me, the first step was paper towels. (Usually when I tell people that I don't buy paper towels, they almost automatically go to "Are you gunna stop buying toilet paper too?!" The answer is NO by the way. Get serious!) Next came certain household cleaners that I found I could replace with just a gallon of bleach and vinegar and water in a spray bottle. Super saving lemme tell you. And my home is just as clean!

Next--commit! I read in this book, that the more you go to the store the more you spend--something like 40% more ( i don't know the exact #'s. I suppose I could get off my butt, walk over to the book shelf 3 feet away and look it up, but I ain't gunna) Anyway the point of it was this. Every time you go to the store just to pick up "a few things" you end up with more things than you ever intended to buy. And for someone on a tight budget, going to the store 3 times a week to pick up a few little things can really add up and jeopardize the financial stability of his household. So how do you fix this? Easy (kind of). Just stop going to the store. I've committed to only going to the store on payday, which for our family is every other Thursday.  That means I go 2 weeks without stepping into a grocery store, and therefore am not tempted to purchase even the smallest of items! It also means that if on day 10 I'm out of eggs, then I've committed myself and my family to go without until I am able to go back to the store in just a few more painful days!

This is my system, and this has worked for me. You may not be in a place where you need to limit your spending, but statistically that's not norm. There are staggering statistics about the average American household having up to $16,000 in credit card debt...I don't care if you make 200k a year! to have that much debt signifies needing some better spending habits, and it all starts with recognizing that there are things you are spending your money on that are unnecessary.

Good luck!

Tick Tock

Time is flying, and this new addition to our family will be here soon.

One of the most common questions that I'm being asked is, "Are you ready?" And my honest response is, "no."

And I don't mean in that flighty, hormonal sort-a-way, when I just can't get the house clean enough... I'm talking about not even knowing where the hospital is! No changing table. No bottles. No milk storage. No  labor plan. No experience with these crazy cloth diapers that I've decided to invest in because I NEED to save money-- because along with having no real plan, we also have no extra money.

Now that I'm not earning a salary, we have turned into a paycheck to paycheck family. If it weren't for the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover approach to saving, this time would be really scary. But because I spent the year and a half of working to save every spare penny I could, we are confident that God will bless us one day with more income, and until then we have enough saved to get us through--hopefully. We just remember to keep giving, and the Lord will make sure to keep providing.

If I had to be honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I've been winging it, and as in most situations when one "wings-it," this has the potential of blowing up in my face.

I have a lot of fears, most of which center around the delivery. I'm worried because I'm not familiar with this practice and their methods that my delivery won't go the way I want. I'm scared the epidural won't go the way my first did, and that I'll be completely crippled and the delivery will take so much longer than necessary because of my inability to move. I'm scared that at the first sign of difficulty that they'll rush me over to c-section. I'm scared that they'll be impatient with me--especially after having been told at my last appointment that they will induce me if the baby doesn't come after 41 weeks.... WELL I had my first daughter at 42 weeks... Can I say no? If they schedule to induce me, do I just not show up at my "appointment?"

There are so many other fears and anxieties! Too many to list. Too many to describe. Too many to explain or justify!

I have to TRY to surrender this to the Lord and allow him to take the reins. Let Him take care of this situation and all others that may come up. I have to try to remember that I have no control over each and every detail, but I do have control over my faith. I need peace. I need surrender. But knowing what's right and actually doing it are different things. So I'm going to just have to keep trying.

Do I miss the beat?

The tap, tap, tap
Rappity tap
Clickety clap
Of home...
The beat of the city,
Moving the air,
Sends gusts of jazz through the atmosphere.
The flowers below
The branches above
Tremble.
They know the day is near.
The day when home loses its perimeter.
No longer is it just a city
With man made boundaries on the east
And a river to the west.
The day when home has no natives--
When the city itself swallows everything and anything
That steps within its shaking grasp.
When clothes are optional,
Vices are encouraged,
Sins soon committed, and
Regrets left to be cleansed.
When I close my eyes,
I can see my city
Through the vibrant haze of
Debauchery.
Do I miss the beat?
I am the beat.
Twas forged into me
By the skilled hands of an ancient city.
With every breath I breathe
In this strange northern land,
I shake it up--
Leave it altered and skewed.
An infinitesimal variation
Connecting me to home.

Delve

How to fit a 5 year old, a newborn, and 2 old farts into a 2 bedroom apartment w/ no money!

Step One: try not to lose your mind!!!!

Step Two: Pray to God

Step Three: Look on craigslist.org for everything you need and trust that God will keep you safe from the crazies

--I have been almost obsessive with getting my apartment ready for a newborn. We were (this) close to buying a house, when we pulled out of the deal at the last minute. So we had to have a paradigm shift almost immediately. No more 2600+ sqft home to "grow into." No ma'am. It went straight to "we need to make more space. We need to fit in here. We can do it. It can be done."

Lia's always had the master bedroom of our apartment. And now she and her new sister will share it. I've been looking around in every room to see what is superfluous. What is a want and not a need. Let me just tell you that I found the MOST in the kitchen. The darn panini machine was taking up space where a baby bullet needs to go. The quesadilla maker needs to move over for the bottles. Wine glasses--see ya later! Grill cheese maker--adios!

I encourage everyone to periodically go through his or her house and think to himself, "If I had to fit another person in here, what needs to go to make way for the new?"

It's incredibly overwhelming, but I'm sure that it is not an impossible task. Although my house is a disaster, I'm convinced it is only because it needs to get worse before it gets better.

By the time we say hello to girl # 2, I'm hoping that the home will be organized and clean and livable and spacious.

A Reevaluation

So there have been a lot of changes in my life recently, and it's been so long since I've blogged that I can't even remember what I've written about--nor do I have time to go back and read! Pathetic! My plan is to just type from the top of my head, and if I've repeated anything, my sincere apologies.

So starting January 1st, I'm back as a Stay at home mom! wowzers. It was actually a huge move considering that the whole reason I started working was because my husband's income couldn't sustain us completely here in NC. He hasn't gotten a raise and yet I'm back at home AND expecting another baby, which inevitably means MORE EXPENSES with no MORE money.

I've debated how good of a move it was to stop working so early--I mean the baby doesn't come until the end of March, for goodness sakes, couldn't I have just held out for a few more months and saved some much needed money?

But after thinking about my family and my daughter, it felt like it was time to stop. It was time to stop concentrating on how much commission I've earned, how much production I have for the month, how far behind we are on the newest promotion, how many Saturdays I'd have to come in to try to catch up, and then the guilt. The terrible guilt I would feel after spending more time with my co-workers than I do my family, and then on the weekends when I'm finally with my family, not wanting to be around them just because I want alone time.

I'm mid-way through week 2 of being back home and so far so good. I've implemented new financial and spending limits on the family to keep us living within our means.  (I'll be writing about this in the near future)

This past year and a half, we've been able to pay off all of our debts and have a fully funded emergency fund that could keep us going for 6 months if need be. With the help of God, we've started moving toward the type of financial situation that we dreamed of, but trust me when I say that we are far behind our ultimate goal.

We're looking to buy a house, yet we have no $money$ for a downpayment without spending the money in our emergency fund. BUT keep in mind that I live on the 3rd story of an apartment complex, and I don't know if not taking advantage of this market, is a good idea.

so topics on which i will soon be blogging:

1) Lee's job switch-a-roonie!
2) My budget and new spending endeavors
3) Trying to find a home that fits our budget (which is super small)

Thanks for reading, and keep coming back for some new stuff!

Quotes of Late

Lia: It's glittering.... (she meant drizzling)

Lia and Lee are playing with the marble run. Lee keeps stealing lia's marbles, and she keeps laughing and saying stop, when Lia lets a fart rip in Lee's face...
Lee: Pedito en la carita. (Fart in the face) That's a good way to stop me, baby.

Desperate

So many things are flailing all around me,
While requirements and goals and competition and expectations
are strung around my neck.
And when  the end to my struggles drew near,
My noose was loosened
And wrapped around you instead.

And I'm left with less hope than when I started.
If only I could take it all back,
and be the one still hanging.
Relieve your pressure
Your mounting pressure.
The overwhelming stress
That is building within your life.
And replace it with the peace you once knew
I'd gladly tie it on myself.

Delve

First Day

My husband had his first day at his new job today, and I swear I was probably a more nervous wreck than he was!

It's crazy. I was acting as if it was his first day at school thinking "I hope the others are nice to him. I hope that he fits in. I hope he has fun. I hope he's happy."

So when he comes home and slaps on a fake smile and says "it was alright..." my heart sank.  I know it's never perfect on your first day, but I was praying that it would be perfect for him. No need to adjust because he fits right in...

Not the case. And my hormonal, emotional self just started to cry. I cried most of the evening just wishing things would have gone better! In all honesty, my husband's happiness, comfort, and well-being both emotionally and physically are the more important things to me.

If he came home and said that he discovered his new calling and that is to be the fries specialist at McDonald's I would support him.

Where to start

Lia is 5 now.

I cooked a 20 lbs turkey today

I'm debating whether I should hit black friday sales for the first time in my life!

I'm praying that I can write 7 more auto in order to collect my paycheck at work.

I'm stressed for my husband who recently decided to change jobs.

We're looking at homes with a realtor.

Oh and did I mention....

I'm having a girl in March!

Life has been running away from me recently, and it's time to start slowing down.  if not on the outside, then definitely on the inside.

I've just allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where there are no words to express anything anymore.

There is no thankfulness. There is no peace. There is no lucidity.

I feel insecure, unsettled and stressed.

I need to take charge again.

Who me?

Nobody's perfect.--cliche of the century right? As a society we can excuse the most horrible of personality traits by rationalizing that really "no one's perfect."

The funny thing about it is that TRULY no one is perfect. As Christians we are no more flawless than non-christians. We struggle with the same temptations, vices, flaws, genetic dispositions, etc that everyone else has, yet we are called to hold ourselves at a higher standard.

Absolutely understandable and just. Don't you agree?

Ugh there's nothing worse than a judgmental Christian or an angry Christian or an ugly (in personality not looks) Christian, right!?!? Aren't they the ones that "ruin it for the rest of us." They yell "Gays are going to HELL!" and other horrendous, judgmental, mean things that are so unchristian-like it takes your breath away. Or a Christian who beats his wife. Or a Christian who molests. Or a Christian who steals... Hypocrites--ey?

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." [1 Timothy 1:15-16]

And then there are those Christians that have never done a truly sinful thing in their whole lives. They said a cuss word once upon a time, or kissed a guy under the bleachers in the 10th grade, but really delving into the darkest parts of their human nature, they have never tread.  Don't we look at those and say "What the hell do you know of my struggles?"  Oh yeah?! What do you know about hitting rock bottom? What do you know of conquering addiction? What have you ever experienced that you can understand/relate/empathize with me other than your observations of other sinful people?!

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."  C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What about the rest of us? The been-there/done-that crowd. Searching for the Kingdom. Searching for strength that all these people write about and yet we've never felt. Searching to be a leader and a beacon  and an example, while struggling to stay afloat. Praying to be a better spouse, better parent, better Christian, better person, while stumbling our ways to salvation. The moderates. The luke warm?
If we struggle with sin but are trying, does that mean we are in any way qualified to lead? If we stumble and trip our ways through life but dust off our skirts and keep walking forward, does that at all make us role models? Where do we fit in?


Psalm 103:8-14(NIV)

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.

Is blood truly thicker than water?

I think certain types of "blood" are: your mom and dad, your sister and brother, your husband or wife, your child.

Had you asked me 2+ years ago that list would have been so much longer, but now.... I don't agree.

I think Some blood is thicker than water. Maybe it's just my family. Maybe I'm the one to blame, but really when I sit and think about the way some of my family has neglected, abandoned, slandered, and avoided me, I've given up on thinking that you can rely on anyone but those that either birthed you, were birthed by the same people as you or helped you birth someone else.

Can't believe it's that time again

In 4 weeks or so my daughter turns another year older, and there has been so much going on that I barely remembered that I AM responsible for planning the party and sending the invites, and deciding the budget, and the menu, and the guest list, and the location, and the list goes on....

As a party planner I have to say that while I'm not Martha Stewart or anything, I do enjoy throwing a successful party. Last year I planned my butt off, and I don't think it was that successful. Thank goodness Lia was only 4 and didn't realize that everyone showed up an hour late and we only had 15 minutes to eat and sing happy birthday before the "nice" museum people kicked us out of the room.

I had never had such a nerve-racking, disappointing, but then redeeming party experience in my life. I was literally heartbroken for an entire hour thinking no one was going to show up, and then EVERYONE did, just really late.

I really don't want that to happen again. It makes me apprehensive spending money on reserving a location like I did last year, because while the museum play time was really fun, I could have just bought everyone tickets and paid less money than I did for a room we barely used.

So what do I do? I live in an apartment so theres no yard. I could do it at a park, but I'm so nervous that it'll rain or something equally as terrible. I could reserve a place like a jump house, but I don' t want a repeat of last year. The thought really stresses me out.

I've seen so many awesome parties on blogs that I follow and usually I'm great at these kinds of things, but I've become gun shy.

I need some ideas.

HELP!

Streaming

Cascading tears,

Daily cries

In constant heart break.

I feel

Intensely.

My soul cries out to you, O God.

My body thrashes in agony, Dear Lord.

Prayers.

How many more prayers would it take?

How many more pleas of mercy do you need?

Father, I will give you all and more

To relieve your poor servant's pain.

Peace

Super natural healing

Relief

Purification

You, O Lord, hold the power.

To you, O Lord I lift my voice to praise

For your endless grace upon my life,

But Oh Lord, the pain I feel from afar

Consumes me.

Painful visions.

Painful realities

That are not my own.

But I hold on to the truths that I've learned.

I hold on to the knowledge of your wisdom.

I hold on to the experience of your forgiveness.

I hold on to the hope of redemption.

I need to trust in you more.

I need to release this sadness and embrace the happiness

Of the good you've brought about in a poor child's suffering.

Hold on to the lives he's changed and transformed, including my own.

Slowly I feel myself melting.

Hopefully releasing the control and boundaries I've made for myself,

and instead joining in your infinite existence. 

I lift him up to you with joyfulness. 

He who deserves paradise more than most.

He who will be made whole in your loving embrace.

Delve