Purified Cold

The sharp rustling of dry brown leaves
Scratches against my mind--
Distracting me.
Then quickly gaining my full attention,
I notice
The cool breeze flowing through the window
Silkily running across my skin,
Like chilled satin.
The subtle creaking of thousands of branches
Bending and flexing with the winds
Add an eerie harmony to the leaves'
Percussive chorus.

Clean.
The cold purifies.
And deeply I inhale
Hoping that somehow this immaculate gale
Could penetrate my soul
My mind
My thoughts
And wash away all that festers deep within.
All the memories stashed away
Threatening to spill into my now.

I am quiet most nights
Rarely a word escapes my lips
Nor a glance my eyes do take.
Reflecting
Is my nights' task.
Beating down my rogue vices is
My nocturnal need.
But the distraction of tonight's natural rustic rhythm
Has been most inspiring
And revealing.

Delve
JP @ Olive Garden Poetry Picnic Week 39: Halloween 2012 Special!

Thursday Mini Fiction Writing Prompt Week 30: Life In The Art Box

When the wrong words come

If all there were in my life,
Were moments of clarity,
Pure genius,
Sincere Humor, and
Wise insights,
Then there would be no need
To apologize so often--
To stay awake at night
Wondering
If those words were better left unsaid.
delve

Cloth Diapering in an Apartment

Cloth diapering while living in an apartment can create some challenges, but it is NOT impossible.

Here are some tips that I've found helpful in making cloth diapering and apartment living easier.

Stains

I live on the third floor of an apartment complex. I have no deck. So basically, I have no personal outdoor area. Sunning your diapers is really the best way to bleach out pesky stains that didn't come out in the wash, but with no access to private sun space, your diapers can get a bit (what's a good way to put this...) colorful. I've found that if you hose off your poopy diaper and then spray with an enzyme solution before putting it into the diaper pail, you can really prevent a lot of the discoloration.

--A cloth diapering mommy that I recently met said her apartment-living friend used to take her diapers out to the pool area and sun them there!--

Now depending on how brave you are, this may be a good option for you.

Also if you have a friend with a yard that will allow you to bring your diapers over during a play date, you can kill 2 birds with one stone.

**but DON'T stress** stains are purely cosmetic and do not affect the diaper at all!

Drying

Again because I have no outdoor space, drying my diapers depends solely on the effectiveness of my dryer. I found that if I loaded the dryer with only diapers, it would take 2-3 cycles to get them fully dried. A cloth-diapering mom from church, who has c.d'erd 3 children, gave me this stunning (while totally common-sensical) advice.

--Do a load of laundry first, then do your diapers (or vice versa), then dry them all together! For some reason, the diapers dry better when being dried with other clothes. Then she said, "and if they need some more time, I almost ALWAYS have another load of clothes I need to wash anyway. I can pick out my diapers and keep them in the dryer until it's time to dry the other load of clothes". BRILLIANT!

Now I never waste energy on drying my cloth diapers. I always do it in conjunction with my other laundry.

Organizing

Space is very limited in apartment living (at least it is in my apartment). We didn't have space to have a separate changing table to organize all our diapering supplies (because YES with c.d.'ing there are necessary supplies). We used our dresser as the changing space and used stacking racks (that you find in the kitchen supplies section of your Walmart for 5$ a piece. They aren't gorgeous, but they are effective) to put our cloth wipes, diapers and covers--utilizing vertical area and not taking up any more real estate in our room or dresser than necessary.

Hope this helps! If you are a cloth diapering mom, with anymore helpful advice please share, or if you have any questions about cloth diapering, ask away!

Movement

It takes me a minute
to realize that I'm moving.
Unconsciously
My hips begin to sway--
Rhythmically.
Foot tapping,
Hands swaying at my sides,
Eyes closing,
And then I become aware
That the music has taken over my mind--
My body,
And there's no escape
From its pulsating prison.

delve

An Infamously Crappy Mom

Crappy mothers from around the globe have united at Just Add Cloth. I often struggle with mommy guilt over mistakes I've made or just out of my laziness. But tonight I have decided to put aside my guilt and be a "mommy martyr" no more. I've compiled a list of my offenses for anyone out there with stones to throw.

1. I'm a cosleeping mom. I've yet to roll over any of my children, and they seem to be thriving.
2. I often read all day and all night long. Holding but rarely looking at my kids until reality strikes (usually when I have to go pee.)
3. My 5 month old gets a bath about every 2 weeks. (the rest of the time I wipe her neck and underarms and apply a generous amount of baby powder to mask any stankiness)
4. My 5 year old eats cereal for 2 out of 3 meals almost every day she's home.
5. I can't wait for my baby to sleep through the night and start eating food, so that I can go out dancing and have at least 2 mixed drinks.
6. I once put my baby in the laundry basket while I was trying to load the washer in the laundry room....she just wouldn't let me put her down anywhere else. I called it a compromise.
7. I often run errands just so that I can get away from my family for a while; then when I arrive at home, I chill in the car for 30+mins while reading a book.

Wait...there's more
8. I convinced Lia that if she ate sugar all her teeth would fall out her mouth.
9. I frighten/threaten my child w/ grotesque imagery ie. You'll poke your eyeballs out, You'll get run over by a car and be squished flat as a pancake, etc..
10. I told my 5 year old that Santa Clause does NOT exist!


These are only a few of my transgressions, my friends. But I'm not the only crappy mom out there, I assure you! Visit Just Add Cloth and stand in awe of an entire community of the crappiest moms in the world.

Diaper Guilt

Becoming a cloth diapering mama has totally ruined the easy-breezy feeling of years past when I could slap a disposable diaper on my baby and think nothing of it.

Now after devoting myself to cloth diapering and educating myself of its benefits and the harms of disposables, the thought of using disposable diapers causes me extreme anxiety! I think about that Huggie filling up with that jelly-like goo in a dump somewhere, leaking chemicals into the soil and slowly but very surely killing the Earth and all human-kind along with it.

Well like I shared with you in my last post, I'm visiting family in New Orleans for a week, and my father-in-law very generously bought a pack of DISPOSABLES for Maggie, so I wouldn't have to pack my cloths. (I'm sure they also wanted to save me and themselves from having to wash her stanky diapers in their machine.)

Anyway, the thought of using those eco-nonfriendly, chemical diapers has been causing me some strife. I know that it is only for 1 week and not a (super)big deal, but I can't help feeling a little guilty about it.

Ignorance truly is bliss *sigh*

Home

I'm finally going home to NOLA this saturday for an entire week. But tonight I'm filled with an almost overwhelming home-sickness. Maybe it's because I'm so close to seeing my dad and mom that I'm finally realizing how much I miss them. I know that God has plans to reunite my family, but it's just so painful knowing how much of my life they are missing out on, how excruciating I find it that my father has yet to meet Maggie, how I wish we could meet for breakfast on Saturday mornings-- my father and I gorging on biscuits, bacon, eggs, and ALWAYS a single pancake, while my mom orders a "dry" biscuit and black coffee with at least a 1/4 cup of sugar in it.

Tears are steaming down my face, not out of excitement but out of near inconsolable sadness. It feels like my life has been split into halves. One half consisting of my parents and of New Orleans and of my family and how it was years ago, when we were all best friends, and when I was young and of a place where I was free and reckless, and quixotic, and beautiful.

The other half is here in Raleigh, and I'm mature, and a good wife, and an aspiring excellent mother, and a leader of worship at a church, and studying apologetics, and cooking meals for my family, and older, wiser, kinder...

I know my life is no longer back there in New Orleans. I realize that New Orleans is my Egypt, and that I had arrived at the promised land here in Raleigh. I know that going back would not be good for my children or for my marriage and maybe it wouldn't be good for me either.

But there has to be something I can bring back with me. A piece of home here. Maybe I could bring the French Quarter, or just the beignets, maybe I can bring jazz to the streets, or an underground playhouse featuring an improv cast, or perhaps I can bring everyone's yat accents, or maybe just crawfish étouffée. But most of the time I wish that piece were my parents. Sometimes I wonder (and doubt) if they'd ever agree to come.

Sexy

I know I've mentioned my Facebook wall before, but it really bears repeating! My Facebook friends are the craziest people on Earth. I once said that my wall is filled with 2 things: obscene photos and angry atheist posts.

So I've previously written about those angry atheists here, now it's time to address the former: Obscene photos.

What is it with my girl friends and wanting the world to find them sexy? Every photo is purposefully staged so as to capture both face and boobs.

At what point in a woman's life does she decide that being sexy isn't important anymore? And I'm not meaning that your husband doesn't find you attractive, but OTHERS, like STRANGERS?

I have so many friends that after having 2+ kids and being married for years still think it incredibly important to be considered sexy by people who are not their husbands. They post sexy photos, provocative speech, just generally try-too-hard...

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to feel beautiful (and sometimes it feels even nicer when it's NOT your spouse who thinks you're beautiful). And I used to want people to think I was sexy too, back when I was 18!

Vanity is an intriguing vice. I fall prey to it at times too, but I put it in check especially before I hit "post" on my facebook :)

Preparing myself to prove the existence of God! Yikes

I've decided to partner with a friend from church and lead a group on apologetics designed to tackle tough questions and doubts about the existence or nature of God. So for the last 3 months I've been reading non-stop about Christian apologetics, listening to podcasts regarding different theological arguments, and watching debates between renown Atheists and Christians. It's really mind-bending stuff this apologetics!

But just a small excerpt that I found wonderful with regard to the argument of there being an explanation for all that has begun to existence, "Imagine that you're hiking through the woods and you come across a translucent ball lying on the forest floor. You would naturally wonder how it came to be there. If one of your hiking partners said to you, 'Hey, it just exists inexplicably. Don't worry bout it!' you'd either think that he [were] crazy or figure that he just wanted you to keep moving. No one would take seriously the suggestion that the ball existed there with literally no explanation. Now suppose you increase the size of the ball so that it's the size of a car...size of a house...size of a continent...planet...universe."

When the Day Dies Down

The pink and orange hues of a dying day

Captured and uniformed in such a way

That they lie in rows upon my floor

Bordered in long, thin shadows just like before.

Stretching and dimming as the hours pass

And its ethereal spectrum doesn't last

Half as long as it probably should

But I'm sure it'd stay longer, if only it could.

I sit and stare at dust in rays

Descending slowing during this dying day

Imagining it waltzing slowly to its grave

Better to dance and die with grace than to fight and die brave.

delve

The first time I missed a hurricane

Being that I was born and raised in New Orleans, LA, I'm well acquainted with the hurricane/evacuation/flooding/no electricity/pirogue-paddling-down-the-street process. I have experienced these storms since birth, as all New Orleanians have, which is probably why no one got too worried when news of Isaac came and decided not to evacuate. Instead, they boarded up the windows, filled up their cars with gas, bought water, and "hunkered down." It's the way we do things.

I asked my folks a couple of days before hurricane Isaac if they were planning on evacuating, and they answered very seriously, "If it turns into a Cat 3, then we'll leave."

Well it never did turn into a Cat 3, and they never left.

Hurricanes have a way of bringing the worst and the best out of people. Communities band together in the days after the storm--helping rebuild fences, sharing materials and food. Hundreds of locals have been working through the storm and around the clock to bring relief and to rescue those in danger.
But on the flip side theres looting and hunger and anger and violence. Its dangerous and peaceful all at the same time.

Last bad hurricane to hit LA came in 2008. We were living in Baton Rouge at the time Hurricane Gustav came through. We didn't evacuate until a week after the storm-- having had no electricity and running very low on food. It took 2-3 weeks for the power to come back after Gustav. But eventually life went back to normal, if not better.

Trust me NOLA was rebuilt better after Katrina and Baton Rouge after Gustav. Each time something like this happens, you are really left with no option but to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and start over. And that's what LA will do after Isaac.

Quotes of Late

Lia: "Maggie!!! You smell like brocolli!"
---------------------------

Jillien:"You know what, Lee? Sometimes I forget that I'm not 24 years old. It's so weird. I still think I'm 24 years old.
Lee: No. You're WAY older than that!
---------------------------

Lee: Are you sure you don't wanna go to the grocery?! I can't take another day of peanut butter and jelly.
Jillien: You're not eating peanut butter and jelly now.
Lee: Yeah this tortilla with ketchup is not much better.

Why are unbelievers so angry?

My Facebook wall is filled with the CRAZIEST posts imaginable. My husband jokes that we can't open my Facebook whenever kids are around from fear of having them exposed to some raunchy, angry, offensive, weird stuff!

But for the most part my wall is filled with 1 of 2 things:

Either obscene pictures 

or

Angry atheistic posts and photos

Now with regard to these angry atheist posts, I wonder where their adamance comes from? I had a friend once say, "You know, I don't believe in the tooth fairy, but I don't feel any compulsions to walk up to random children and yell in their faces 'THERE'S NO TOOTH FAIRY!!! ITS ALL MAKE BELIEVE. YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR BELIEVING THE IN TOOTH FAIRY!!" 

So I don't believe in the tooth fairy, it doesn't stir up any strong feelings.

And really, he has a point. If you don't believe in God, then don't. Where does this anger and need to exclaim and constantly profess this unbelief come from? 

I have a theory, and it happens to come from my first hand experience living and marrying my husband who was an atheist when we met, and who is now a devout Christian.

Let me start off by saying that there are some atheists who are mostly scientific, who lost faith due to some inconsistency they found within the natural world and the word of God, but they don't usually express such anger.

But regarding my experience with my friends who have become atheists to the point of anger against God this is my theory:

They encompass a soul; so every fibre of their beings calls and yearns for the holy Spirit, but something has happened in their pasts that make them angry against God. It could have been a betrayal, abandonment, abuse, injustice, suffering, the list goes on. But something happened to them that they felt was so unfair and unloving that they became incensed! So through their anger they decided that a truly loving God must not exist because he allowed "______" to happen. 

They lash out at Christians and try to stump them with tough questions, such as "Well if Jesus is God, who did he pray to?" yadda yadda yadda.  They ask these questions, while on the surface hoping the Christian fumbles in his response so they can pounce and humiliate him, but under the surface, deep down in the very pit of their subconscious, they are yearning for an answer that makes sense. They are dying inside for someone to love them. And they get so FRUSTRATED when they receive fluffy sentimental answers, when what they really need is reason! They want this world to make sense.  

And it is because of this that we as Christians need to start taking our faith seriously--we need to mature in our faith and move on from sentimentality to science and reason. God created science and so really the evidence is stacked on our side. But we need to learn it. We need to arm ourselves with the truth so that when a hungry atheist is biting at our heals we have the bread of life with which to nourish him! 

Pick up a book on Christian apologetics like Dr. Craig's On Guard or Strobel's Case for Christ or Case for Faith. Read and learn. Fill your mind with the wonder of the LORD and then let your cup overflow into the lives of your neighbors, coworkers, friends, and unbelievers!

Why I prefer Prefolds!--Cloth diapers

My lil' Maggie is soon to turn 5 months old, and since birth I've been using cloth diapers on her.

During this cloth diapering adventure, I have used ALL types of diapers: fitted, prefolds, All-in-Ones, every type of cover on the market and several different brands of diapers i.e. bummies, thirsties, cloth-eez, bum genius, swaddlebees--THE WORKS.

All that to paint the picture for you that I have ruled out certain diapers through the process of elimination. Of course, cloth diapering is a subjective, and each mother has her own favorites or methods.

Here's mine:

I love prefolds! "Why?!: You may be asking. Lemme tell ya...

Reason #1
They are malleable. There are several different folds you can use depending on what works best on your child. I tend to use one fold when I know baby is probably going to go #2 in that diaper, and a different fold, when I know baby is just going to be making peepee.

Fitteds and all all-in-ones are they way they are, plain and simple. Be they too long, too wide, or too tight around the thigh---deal with it. Not a prefold. It conforms. I like that.

Reason #2
Yes, prefolds do take the longest to put on, but it's totally worth it because I find them to be the most effective. Reason being is this: whenever baby has what would normally be a "blowout," it is VERY rare that it should leak out of the prefold, but if it does, the COVER is there to catch it. This means that I've never had to throw out an outfit because it got poop all over it! I have a 2-prong defense against the poop! Yeah my cover may have gotten a bit poopy, but BIG DEAL. I pop that sucker into the diaper pail and pull out another set.

Reason #3
They are the least expensive route to cloth diapering. Fitteds are more expensive for a convenience that is minuscule, and all-in-ones are MUCH pricier, and I've found that they take an ETERNITY to dry--so they suck up even more of my $$ through running the drier over and over.

Look I'm no cloth diapering expert. I'm just a regular mom trying to save a buck and keep my kids healthy. I've not read any scholarly journals or taken classes at Duke University on cloth diapering. I'm just telling you what I've found through my real-world experience. I have friends that SWEAR by all-in-ones. They say they are just like disposables. (I don't find that to be the case. My experience has been that they are prone to leaking.)

Anyway, if you want to be environmentally friendly AND save a few bucks--try prefolds and covers. They take an extra 15 seconds at the changing table, but save a net ton of diapers from entering landfills and keep your hard earned cash in your pocket!

POST SCRIPT:

YIKES I didn't even mention the diapers that you have to stuff with those doublers. Those take a LIFETIME to prep. Just buy a prefold and move on :D

Advice for 1st Time Stay at Home Moms

So a friend of mine recently  decided to become a stay at home mom after having her 3rd child. She had worked out the home for her whole adult life, and her mother had taken care of her previous 2 children. But after moving to NC, there was no one familiar that she would feel comfortable leaving her children with. This left her with a really difficult and scary decision to make. Find a daycare or stay at home....

She and her husband decided it was best to stay home.

I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of the lives of my daughters. When my eldest was near 4 years old, we moved to NC and I got a job. I worked for about a year and a half, but when I found out that I was pregnant with our second daughter, I started making arrangements to stay home at around the 6th month of my pregnancy.

I understand how comforting it is to have a second income, and during that time, I was able to get us out of debt and save for a 6 month emergency fund. I was blessed to have my pastor's wife and great friend taking care of Lia during that time. But every fiber of my being calls to me to be with my children. I honestly had no idea prior to becoming a mother that I would want to be a stay at home mom. I definitely wasn't brought up that way...

My mother was a career woman. She went back to work 3 weeks after I was born. She didn't change a single diaper and had my grandmother take care of most of the nurturing aspects of rearing an infant. But she was brilliant and strong. Independent and competent. And she reared me to be just like her.  It was my husband (who had been brought up with a sahm all his life) who convinced me to stay home with Lia. I was DEAD SET on maintaining my career and earning a living. But he was right. I LOVED every minute.

So I've had experience going from sahm to work-out-the-home mom back to being a stay-at-home mom, and here's my advice to those who are considering doing this major leap of faith.

#1 RELAX:
Be confident in your ability as a mother. No one can love your children better or more than you can. Remember that even if you make mistakes that the holy Spirit will be able to straighten out any wrinkles in your parenting technique. Like I always say... "You gotta fake it, till you make it!" Do your best and good things will eventually result.

#2 TITHE:
There is less money. Going from one income to two requires some major self-control and discipline when it comes to your money handling. The first step to acquiring that discipline is by tithing. Tithing is the practice of giving 10% of your income to your local church, and if you don't have a local church give it to charity (then go find a church :D). It also sets a culture of generosity in your family and a realization that you are blessed and rich-AND that there are others out there that need more than you. Set a culture of obedience to God and generosity toward others. Start tithing today. (This is good advice to any and everyone in all situations actually)

#3 IDENTITY:
Remember to be yourself. Yes, we love being mothers, but that is NOT all we are as women. I was Jillien before I was a mother and will be Jillien still once my girls are out of the house. If I lose myself, I risk being very unhappy when I can't find myself after I remember to start looking. Find hobbies, friends, routines outside of those you have for your children.

I'm sure there are so many other things I could say, but these three to me are the most important. Feel free to comment with any other words of advice you may have.

How much is TOO much?

So I know parents out there can agree with me when  I say that sometimes kids get themselves in sticky situations or potentially dangerous situations, but then MIRACULOUSLY come out unscathed!

Well this week my 3 month old did the old "roll-off-the-couch" maneuver. While I was totally wigged out, she actually didn't hurt herself or even fuss for more than 15 seconds! She landed on a pillow, but that doesn't take away from the panic and overall crappiness I felt, having allowed her to fall off of the darn couch...

Now came my dilemma. Taking into consideration that Baby was alright, Should I or Shan't I tell Lee that baby rolled off couch?

One friend advised to tell him in like 20 years when its become inconsequential.
Can you imagine that conversation? "Oh yeah, I have something to tell you. When baby was 3 months old she rolled off the couch. It was terrifying! Pretty touch and go for a while. But as you can see, alls well that ends well. Love ya :D"

At the same time, telling him now when he's so emotionally charged and overbearingly protective of her could cause him to overreact ey? And if you know my husband, you also know that he has a tendency to overreact to such situations.

So, I did end up telling him, and I have to admit that he took it rather well.

Little Lia goes to School

Crazy how long 5.5years takes to FLY by. Its so strange. On one hand it feels like there was no life before being a mother. Like this day was a long time coming, and on the other hand, it feels like just yesterday she was a tiny baby sleeping in my arms.

Congratulations Lia on your first day of school. This is the first day of 20+ years of formal education, my baby. Good luck.

Quotes of Late: Butterfly edition

Me: Lia, tell me what 2 things balloons are good for?
Lia: Popping and flying away.
Me: That's right baby :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lia: Mommy, you think that God catches all the balloons that fly away and has fun with them?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lia: I caught this balloon before it flowed away. I think God has enough balloons.

Blogging!

Having had this blog since I was 19 years old, I have a kind of reference library for my writing in a way--I would definitely go as far as referring to it as a history of my personality and sense of humor. I turn 27 this month, and my little archaic viewer counter just recently reached 20,000 visitors onto this page, and  while I'm sure 20k unique individuals haven't read my blog, A LOT of people have. Old friends, lost friends, ex-boyfriends, strangers, creepers, you name it and it's come here, I'm sure.

For giggles I started browsing through the archive and stumbled onto this post: http://stupidsometimes.blogspot.com/2009/02/tag-im-it.html from 3+ years ago, and to be honest, it still makes me laugh :D
Lee says I'm the only person he knows that cracks herself up as much as I do, and I just tell him that I crack myself up because I'm hilarious!

But it is a strange feeling going back. I've not reread my entire blog, but I wonder sometimes how I will feel if my children ever read this mess.  I'm sure I will be ashamed of plenty and will have a lot of explaining to do, but this is all I've ever known really. Before this blog, there was a old funky geocities page on yahoo, and before that I would write in a journal. But writing is all I know.

I think of my English degree and wonder, what the hell am I? People with teaching degrees are teachers, biology degrees--biologists, chemistry degrees are chemists, engineering degrees are engineers, but WHAT AM I!?

So I went to college to learn how to read and write better that the a-ver-age bear (although you would never know it by judging the grammar and writing on this blog!) But what am I really?I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think I've yet done enough to establish myself in this world, but here I am still clicking away at this keyboard. still hitting publish on this blog that... can be a little stupid sometimes, ya know?!

The Burn--A cautionary tale

Was it preventable? Absolutely, but because of my getting distracted and not paying attention as much as I should have, I spilled searing hot oil on my hand while trying to brown some meat for a lasagne.

Now 4 days later, while doing the exercises that the occupational therapist taught me at the burn center, I'm typing this post--slowly.

I'm currently being monitored by a plastic surgeon and am in risk of needing to have skin graft surgery.

The moral of the story: Slow down and do each daily task diligently and safely. It could be anything from safely storing cleaning products to exercising due caution when cooking.

Trust me, It's worth it!