Perspective

I saw a man
Who lost his son tonight,
Who held his wife in his arms
And cried for a child who never took a first breath,
And my too tight jeans
And my stringy hair
And my un-pedicured heels
And my daughter who shrieks too loudly
And my baby who's still nursing
And my husband who's still limping
And my lawn that needs watering
And my million stupid grumblings
Make me sick.
My God when did I lose sight of my miracles?
Father, how could I let go of the wonder I felt
When I saw my baby smile for the first time?
Lord, why did I ever forget the sight of my
Little girl when she was first placed in my arms.
How dare I behave in any way contrary to
Utter jubilation
And gratitude
And awe.
Father God help me.

Exhausting

My goodness it's difficult keeping up with you--
So incredibly enlightened
So intrinsically good.
I find it exhausting to be constantly wrong
Flawed
Sinful
My goodness if I were meant to be so demure
So submissive
So kind
So humble
So pure
So loving,
Then why was I created so contrarily!

I resent that crisp green line

On my painful, hellish run this morning I saw a man in the distance cutting his grass. It had me thinking about our lawn, and how I have to cut the grass because Lee still is unable to walk, and how I wish the lawn would just get miraculously weed-eated and cut. Instead of the reality of ME having to push the lawn mower later today after this exhausting run.....

All this was running through my mind, as I approached the working man. I noticed him pushing the lawnmower along a narrow strip of grass that stretched between his lawn and his neighbor's. But then he did something that shocked me....he stopped....

He stopped about 3 feet short---the 3 feet that fell into his neighbor's property. It would have taken exactly two strides of his feet to complete that strip of grass, practically the exact width of his lawnmower. Instead, he felt the need to leave a very precise, crisp green line between their lawns.

Credit: CAST

And then I started thinking These Yankees up here in North Carolina are so damn strange! I remember my dad cutting this little square of grass that bordered our lawn and our neighbor's driveway. It was just an unspoken rule that whoever was cutting his grass would cut that little square too. Not just cut one side and leave the other 5 inches longer.  What is that!??!?

That's when I turned the corner running toward my house, and I noticed the crisp line between the side of my house and that of my neighbor's.

Right now that I'm close to PAYING cash for someone to cut my grass, that strip of lawn bitterly mocked me. Lee had been pestering me all week to call someone to cut the lawn, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to take out the $50. So of course, I kept putting it off, and I resigned to the fact that I'm going to be cutting it again. It's super long and it's wet because of the non-stop rains that have visited us almost daily for the better part of a week.

And at that moment I remember thinking, I resent Lee's ankle, and I resent my neighbor, and I resent that crisp green line. 

Just put a magnet on it

My husband doesn't fix things around the house. He's not handy whatsoever, and if you were to ask him about it, he would say that he works with a different type of tool set.

He's a software engineer, and if you need some complex application that can manage 1232345 functions per second, he's your man. But ask him to fix a doorknob, and he's calling Andy Handyman stat.

I'm okay with that because I happen to be handy (at least handier than him), and I learned it from my dad.

As a little girl, I would help my dad build sheds and fences, help him fix the car, or some general plumbing job--always marveling at how easily he calculated all the measurements and angles. My dad just knew how things went together--how they worked. It was something that mesmerized me about my dad, and to be honest, it still does.

So the other day I give him a call. I want to install a cat door and needed a drill and saw to get the job done, and the best man to help me in the purchasing process is definitely my dad. Of course his mind goes beyond big pictures and straight down to the nitty gritty. He asks me how long the blades on the drills are, how thick the door is, he asks what the door looks like and how many volts the drill is, and then he asks what I believe he thought to be a fundamental question, What kind of door is it?

Huh?

Is it metal or wood?

I don't know. I tell him. How would I find that out? 

Then he said it. 6  simple words that blew my mind...

Put a magnet on it.

And I ran downstairs and grabbed a magnet off the frige, walked over to the door and snap! The magnet practically flew out of my grasp to attach itself to my METAL door.

Well there ya go, he tells me... You'll need to use the metal blades on the saw. 

And just like that the crisis is averted.

My dad has this fantastic way of making things so simple. You wonder to yourself, "Why didn't I think of that!?!?" And I wish I had that in me. I remember as a kid him always telling me "Make it easy on yourself."
It's like he always thought I went about things in the hardest, most inefficient way possible. Make it easy on yourself, daughter.

He once told me this was his favorite song, and appropriately so!

Do I have any business leading worship?

I sin on purpose all the time. I know something is wrong but I do it anyway. I often wonder if I have any business leading people in worship when I'm so sinful and broken. And if I want to be honest with myself, I don't always try my absolute hardest to change. My worship is genuine, but I'm always wondering if I'm not just some big phoney baloney.

Am I too Catholic to be non-denominational?

Am I too Catholic to be non-denominational? Does non-denominational = Protestant?

Can someone continue to attend a church when you disagree with some of their fundamental theological conclusions? If you agree on all the big stuff, does it matter that you disagree with some of the small stuff? These are questions I'm wrestling with right now. 

But i should really learn how and when to bring up these topics because now it seems I've become that awkward family member who always says crazy/weird/offensive things at Thanksgiving, and this year you have some friends coming and you have to have that tough conversation like "Hey, you know how you're always saying crazy stuff, well could you, just this once...not do that."

A Memory Lasts Forever Too

I am so used to my digital life, my iPhone with its super cool and powerful camera, my dropbox account that costs me however much $ a month so that I can instantly download and share all of my ingenious family and candid shots.

I am so used to THAT that it takes all the effort I can muster simply to STOP.

Over the weekend my family and I went to the Great Wolf Lodge, an indoor water park, and then spent all day today at the Carolina Zoo. This vacation was on the heels of the most excruciating month we've had as a family. Lee has worked 12-15hr days for 7 days a week for at least 3 weeks straight. We learned so much from this month of over working and under connecting. And we have vowed never to let it happen again.

Me Cheating!! 

So during our vacation there were countless water slides, and magic quests, and meals, and games, and jokes, and stories, but very few made it to my digital photo album.

Instead of looking for a photo op, I was trying to savor the moment. Instead of stopping the laughter so I could quickly snap a few photos, I was just adding my voice to the laughter. Don't get me wrong, I was constantly slipping back into my old habits--stepping back from the fun and clicking away on my camera, but I consciously tried to distance myself from that behavior...

What is that!? Why is it so much more important to have a photo than to be a participant in the action? I feel like we think that if we don't capture it on film (figuratively), then it never happened and no one will ever remember this moment. But what I think really happens is that everyone remembers that moment, you just won't be in the memory. One rarely remembers who took the picture, just who was standing by his side!

I need to be better at being an active person in my family and not just an observant bystander. Hey, there's nothing wrong with capturing moments on your camera/phone. I just know that I allowed myself to be removed from the family time, in order to be the cameraman. I think a nice balance is needed. I'm hoping that I achieved that on this trip.

A while back a wrote a poem about always being behind the lens. If you're interested in checking it out, ---->Click here<----- nbsp="">

On Praying for a Miracle

If only you knew,
If only you could sense the trembling of my soul,
If only you could feel how my spirit shivers,
You would soon realize that it's all been a front,
A Smoke and Mirror expert
Trying to make you feel that I'm more confident than I really am.
Only the LORD knows.
He can feel the breath catch in my chest.
He can see through the mask.
And perhaps only He can bring relief.
So tonight I pray for a miracle, Dear Lord.
I beg you for forgiveness and favor
Both of which I do not deserve.
I wonder what lesson you are trying to teach.
Or maybe this is a form of punishment--
A divine reckoning for active sinning?
Perhaps those I love are suffering
For sins that I've committed?
What is it Lord?
What must I do to end this?
What can I do to have your heavy hand lifted?
Father, please be our guide and our rescue.

Quotes of late--Lia

Me: Lia I love how you love God and Jesus.

Lia: Jesus is God. They're the same thing.

--------------

(I read Lia a book about Mother Teresa. This was her commentary.)
"I like people who are good and help the poor people. I don't like people who do bad things and are mean to babies. But I do want them to say they are sorry to Jesus. So they can go up to Jesus too when the Sun goes larger and larger and we need to get saved."

I feel like sharing

I feel like sharing what I'm reading.

First, there's a book called Worship Matters that my worship leader invited the band members to read with him. As a band, we are discussing the assigned chapters weekly. I'm a few chapters in and the honesty in the book is amazing. Very good read for anyone who needs to check his heart and see who/what he is truly worshipping

Then there's The City of Ember. I've just started, but it seems like an interesting young reader type book.

Also I'm reading Original Intent about the Founding Father's original intent when creating the constitution and what role they felt Christianity held for us as a nation. Did they ever intend this war on Christianity that we see now in our nation? From reading the writing of most of our founding fathers, I can definitively say NO.

Then last night I cracked open The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan. This is a spin-off of his Percy Jackson series, which I absolutely LOVED. I opened "The Lost Hero" and couldn't put it down! I have a feeling that I'm going to become totally engulfed in this series in no time.

Last and potentially least, is The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks. It's good, not great. A thriller with bits of sentimental romance. It's entertaining, but easily put down and not picked back up. (In my opinion)

Here's a list of books that I have checked out of the library and are in a neat stack on my desk:

Destiny of the Republic: A Tale of Madness, Medicine and the Murder of a President

Girl in Translation-->this one's for my book club. It's due May 15th. I've gotta get reading!

Rise to Greatness:Abraham Lincoln and America's Most Perilous Year

The Aviary

If you've read any of these books and want to share how you liked them, leave a comment below :D

The Subject/Verb Disagreement rant

So there are a lot of grammatical pet peeves out there in cyber space. Most people post about the misuse of They're, There, and Their, or another common point of contention is the misuse of it's and its.

But I feel there is not enough public outcry against the subject/verb disagreement--a major grammatical error that could strip you of an entire letter grade by its mere appearance in your paper.

Listen up folks. If someone says something, he or she says it, ok!??! Not they! Someone is a single person--not a group. If anyone or no one or everyone or somebody or anybody does anything, he or she is doing it.

Does everyone have their subjects and verbs agreeing? (nope, wrong)
Everyone in this class has an A because he or she learned subject/verb agreement.

Next class we'll talk about split infinitives :) jk

Feel free to share, if you have any grammatical pet peeves or linguistic ones.

I once had a friend who...

I once had a friend in grade school who was a brilliant artist. Looking back on it now she was probably a genius. We were just children drawing stick figure people, and box homes, and animals that were just elongated ovals with stumps for legs. But not her. She would draw horses so real that you could see the wind shift the mane along their long powerful necks. She would draw faces so vivid you could see the laughter in eyes comprised of hundreds of tiny dots alone--entire worlds that she would quite literally "dot" into existence.

 We grew up and grew apart, but years later I asked her if she still drew, and she said not so much. I was just in high school at the time, but I remember the world growing grayer. It was just another beautiful thing that I had thought was eternal, which simply crumbled into the sea (Ps 46).

As I'm sitting here, I wonder what God had intended for her to do with that gift. She probably thought it of no consequence, whether she drew or didn't. When she put down her drawing pencils and pens, I can imagine her thinking to herself "what difference would it make if I ever drew again?..."

Sometimes our gifts seems so....unimportant, small, meaningless, powerless. Not everyone can swim as fast as Michael Phelps or sing as beautifully as Celine Dion. We're not all amazing speakers like Martin Luther King Jr., or funny and smart like Bill Cosby. We're not as brave as Joshua, or as faithful as Abraham, or as wise as Solomon. I can go ON and ON and ON! Sometimes I look at my own gifts and think, where in the world do I fit in? Where am I powerful? Where in my life do my gifts make a difference, and I don't mean little things here or there, but earth shattering, world changing differences? No where really.

I've always had something to say. Always some issue I felt deeply about. Always a book bringing me to new worlds. Always a song to sing. And I've always had words. Words flowing from the world around, grasped gently by my mind, and printed with care on any page I could find.

I look at this blog filled with almost a decade's worth of my life in writing and I sometimes think, why did I write all this? Who cares? What difference did it make? So I wrote yet another poem... big whoop.

Then there are other times that I look at this blog and think to myself, WOW! I can't believe I recorded so many of my thoughts. I'll read a poem and remember exactly where I was in my life when I wrote that, and I'll feel all the same feelings as I did then.

God inspires me to write, I just know it. Sometimes I can't help but to tap out another verse or poem or thought. I'm not saying that any of it is any good, but it's me.

I am reminded of David, who was a shepherd, lowly job- not glamourous or powerful by any means- but because of his work as a shepherd he had to fight bears and other wild beasts. And those battles prepared him to win the first great battle of his young life against Goliath the giant Philistine.
That humble beginning and against-the-odds victory were what propelled a young shepherd boy into a war hero, and ultimately into a KING!

I don't know what all my writing means to the world, but one can only imagine what it means to God.

It's the sound

It's the sound of
No one being awake but me.
It's the sound of
The dry, well-thumbed pages turning.
It's the sound of
The walls and floor settling themselves
That make my heart still,
My mind come alert,
My soul decompress.
There are days that I wake
Just for the world to sleep.
There are seasons
That I live among others
Desperately yearning solitude.
This is that moment.
And those are the sounds.

Ps 20

I fall short,

Always.

The mark missed

By such great margins,

As if I'm running to catch

The Sun,

Father God.

My words--

My deadliest weapon,

Skillfully honed

And expertly drawn.

My biggest strength

Is my biggest vice,

Dear Lord.

I am a warrior princess,

Daughter of the Most High King,

Who fights on both sides

Of the battlefield,

My Liege. 

I am a most unworthy subject,

One guilty of treason

One guilty of murder

Of adultery

Of greed and envy

All by using my words--

Like a sword melded with rhetoric,

Slicing and searing both friend and foe, 

My King.

Why would you ever grant me a hearing?

I who have betrayed and hurt you,

Should receive no mercy,

And yet...

My dearest Father,

I can still feel your love.

The Time I Caught the Sun

blame-it-on-the-moon-Painting of Angels-Nik Helbig

I came across a bird resting from flight.
Her tiny chest fluttering with the restlessness
That comes only from having had the Wind
As a companion for most of one's life.

"Come to me little one," I said to the Bird,
"Come little bird and help me catch the Sun."

"I caught the Sun once," She said to me.
"But she cried large golden tears, and I let her go."

I then walked upon a cat lounging in dappled light.
Its strong, lean paws crossed below his head
That was held high and alert--
Curious of my scent and suspicious of my intentions.

"Come to me swift one," I said to the Cat.
"Come to me and help me catch the Sun."

"I chased the Sun once," He said to me.
"But she wailed so loudly that I stopped my pursuit."

My search went on and on, but no one would help me.
So, I chased and caught the Sun on my own.
And she cried her big, hot tears.
And she wailed her sad, desperate sobs.

But I never did let Her go.
And the World all around grew dark.
And the Day turned to endless night.
And the Sky became sad and empty.

Not for me, though.
I kept the Sun close by.
And I never did feel cold again
or Dark or Small or Weak.

But the Sun never spoke,
And no one ever came close.
And  I never did feel love again
or Mercy or Hope or Peace.

Retaliation

I told you that I hate it
So you chose to love it more.
I told you that I wanted peace
So you prepared for war.
I told you that I couldn't stand
Your helplessness galore
So you responded with more of the same,
And I can't take it anymore.

Rebuke

Like tiny little demons
Clutching at my soul,
Like evil hungry spirits
Reaching out for more,
Like angry lustful tempters
Preparing themselves for war,
I am flailing through my life--
Wondering how to free my world
From these urges and constant tremblings,
From these ugly spirits's assemblings,
From this dark and hateful menacing
So I can start to be a blessing.
I yearn to be transformed
To rebuke all that has scorned
And polluted and has torn
The narrow pathway to the Lord.
So I can be a light
And not a darkness and a blight
So I can be mansion
Built on granite
So I can be a blueprint
And on me you can plan it.
And be proud to be my friend
And be glad the time we spend
With great faith, and hope and Love
Until we reach the very end.

quotes of late--The Lia edition.

Lia: "Actually he said, 'I wish I were older." Which means old.eeeeerrrrrr"

Lia while we're driving in the car listening to music: "This woman on the radio sings good."
Me: "Yes she does!"
Lia: "You sing good too. When are they going to put you on the radio?"

Me: "I can't believe the flowers grew back!"
Lia: "I think Jesus is great!"
Lia: "at growing flowers"

I suppose all I needed was...

A little self-reflection.

Soon after writing my last post, admitting my complete failure at devoting myself to Christ as I had planned to do this Lent, I picked up my bible--something I haven't done in months.

This bible is tattered and torn, highlighted, underlined, creased, and thoroughly thumbed through all in my quest for salvation and understanding. Yet its disuse was evident, perhaps not by an outsider, but completely apparent in my heart and attitude. I opened it up for the first time in such an incredibly long time and flipped through the pages; bright yellow, green and pink catching my eye as the pages quickly flipped back and forth--highlights of favorite passages that had gotten me through the toughest times in my  life.

I felt like I was rekindling a relationship with a friend long lost. I felt shame and guilt. I felt excitement--you know that kind of excitement when you suddenly remember a story about a friend you once had.

And then the truth hit me. I had replaced my bible with other novels. I had replaced the time I spent reading my bible with reading romances, fantasies, histories, biographies and anything else I could get my  hand on.

See I know in my heart that God doesn't want me to stop reading books and building my library. He gave me a passion for reading and learning for a reason. But what I also know is that I cannot allow those other passions to replace my God in my life. He is my first love, and I must always remember to make Him first in my life.

So I've started a bible study to take me through the rest of Lent. We're reading through Matthew, and I've decided to double up my reading until I've caught up.  I know, I know... it's not good to take on too much, and I agree that I don't want to get burned out, but I also know that I NEED to follow through with at least one commitment.

Finally, my friends, I ask for your prayers and encouragement.

Ps 118:24
 This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

My Lenten Failure

Lent is one of my favorite times of the year. For those of you who don't know what Lent is, it is the 40 days leading up to Easter.  It's an amazing time because during the Church calendar, this is a very purposeful time. Traditionally people choose to give up something for Lent, like chocolate or soda, for the duration of the 40 days. But there's a new trend to DO something extra for Lent, like extra prayer or service.

I always enter Lent with a goal. One year I'll give up fast food; another, I'll give up all fried food (being from Louisiana, this is VERY difficult), but this year I wanted my Lenten promise to transform me. I wanted to pray and meditate more. I wanted to fast. I wanted to be born again after 40 days of conscientious recommitment to the Lord.

But I feel that this year I have truly failed. I entered Lent feeling empty and now 2 weeks in, I'm still empty.  I've not read my bible. I've barely fasted, and always in the back of my head I'm thinking, "tomorrow I'm going to start." Then tomorrow comes, and I'm distracted with unpacking my house, and cleaning my apartment, and getting over my cold, and planning a baby shower, and worrying about my various church commitments and all the while, I'm running on E.

I'm ready to be on fire again for the Lord. I'm constantly reminded of the early church. The church in Acts and beyond. The people, those green Christians, that transformed the world. Jesus transformed them, but then they through love, generosity, grace, mercy, evangelism, and passion started time over again. The world stopped and began again. A new age. The A.D. era.

Imagine if all Christians today had that same fire for Christ. What kind of era would we usher in?

I need that fire.