My head hurts

I feel this pressure
It builds around my temples
And then slowly moves toward my eyes
Its a sign
That my brain is failing me
That I've pushed the limits of my consciousness
That my body is betraying me and desires
That which I abhor
The unconscious
The nocturnal amnesia
Sleep.

Searching for Beauty

Recently someone posted a video on my wall of a young lady who was dressed in a tiny bikini that she was bursting out of while proactively dancing. The video is shared mostly to make fun of this young girl, who is on the heavier side, as she "gyrates" her body for the whole world to see. One of the commenters on the video defended and congratulated the young lady for having the self-confidence to dance and showcase her body--regardless of her size. But in reply someone else wrote this:

"eso no es seguridad ,es exhibicionismo....una persona segura de si misma no haria tal cosa...ahora en estos tiempos la seguridad es sinonimo de no tener verguenza y hacer tonteras...punto..."

To translate she says:
"That is not self-confidence; it is exhibitionism...A person who is confident wouldn't do such a thing. In these times confidence is synonymous with having no shame and doing foolish things...period..."

Plastering your half naked body (regardless if you're a size 2 or a size 22) on the internet is not a sign of confidence because people who are self-secure do not need the validation of strangers on the internet. They only need know their identity in Christ (as a friend of mine likes to say). You are beautiful because beauty is intrinsic and universal to all God's creation. It doesn't matter your size, your complexion, or any other physical trait. Beauty is within.

Year 9

On year 9

I wasn't thinking about me or mine

I was thinking about you

And yours

Praying and planning

To bring life 

To give more

To bring peace

To implore

You to seek love

And instead you bore

Into me.

Always Then

For a moment she could hear the waters softly murmuring as she laid in the darkness--their gentle lulling enveloping the slow exhalations of the one beside her, until it had swallowed them whole. He had listlessly drifted into the cool current of Lethe--leaving her alone on the shore. Her torment both physical and mental were sending raking tremors through her, although she remained perfectly still. She was paralyzed by her terror-her constant companion, the reel looping endlessly in her mind.  The visions of what had passed continued to play before her eyes, so that now was meaningless. There was no now. Only then. Always then. 

Full Life

My life is full to the brim
But I always find time to fit you in
Because You are my friend
I wish you felt the same on your end....

Story of my Life

I remember there was a time

When I was willing to throw it all away for you---

For someone whom I loved, 

But for someone who played me as a fool.

I was standing on the edge

Not so much ready to jump,

But to fall

For you.

Lived and died for you

Woke up and thought of you

Fell asleep and dreamt of you

Was ready to give it up for you

Thought I lived for you

But I was tricked by you...

What a fool

I was.

Took time to get over you

Not the same as forgive you

Not the same as fall out of love for you

But to move on from you

Moved far away

And stayed away

And strayed from faith

Then made my way back again

Had to suffer and repent again

and again

And again.

Had to find Christ when I was broken

Had to rebuilt the trust I had forgotten

Had to ask God for a new heart that was open

To seeing the goodness that I had forsaken.

I was and remain a fool.

A fool who has made mistakes

Who loved whom she should have hated

Who trusted when she should have waited

Who felt real things but who spent her time faking it. 

This is the story of my life. 

Quotes of Late--Lia Edition

[Lia and I are walking in the magazine section of Barnes and Noble when she notices a cover with 1Direction.]

Lia: "Mom! Did you know 1Direction is breaking up?"
Me: "Yeah, Zayn is leaving..."
Lia: "Who?"
Me: "Zayn."
Lia: "Which one is Zayn?"

I point to Zayn on the magazine cover....

Lia: "Phew!"
----------------------------------------------
Lia is telling me a story about an argument she had with the boys in her class.....

Lia: "And then [insert boy name] said 'girls fight like this...' and he started waving his hands around all silly. And then I said, 'Does Princes Leia fight like that?!!" and he was like, "No." and then I said "I GOTCHA!"

--------------------------------------------

Lia: "This song reminds me of Spiderman."
Me: "Why?"
Lia: "Because it's like a smooth jam, and Spiderman's webs are smooth...."

---------------------------------------------

Me: "Who's your favorite superhero?"
Lia: "hmmmm........ She Hulk."

---------------------------------------------

Me: "What are you reading about?"
Lia: "The Wasp"
Me: "Who is he?"
Lia: "Wasp is a girl, mom...."

Cold

I appreciate the cold air.
Cleansing and refreshing
And when it stings against my face
I imagine i'm receiving a blessing--
A penance
A purification through the pain
See fire destroys
But ice sustains
It preserves
It maintains.
Really....
I'm hot enough already.
Don't need much more
To set me ablaze.

Inspired

I want so much to say

Its you who inspires me.

But that would be a lie

And at this point in my life

I just haven't got the time--

To pretend

To envy

To strain to feel

What I don't.

Its the empty and the lonely times

Its the anger and the rage

Its the cold and hot and ups and downs

That make me want to create.

I want so much to say

That I feel you deep inside

That I speak to you every day

That its you who keeps me alive

But that would be a lie

And at this point in my life

I just haven't got the time

To pretend

To envy

To strain to feel

What I used to hide. 

gradient white

In my unfinished draft of my poem gradient, i'd forgotten to post this also unfinished draft of the white portion. I've no idea where it goes. or how it really fits in. but here it is, in it's unfinished splendor....

Ever wonder why

I've felt this way for a while now--
 Cold and empty inside.
 No words to write
Because there's no life to describe.

My hand reaching

Since I'm the one with the pencil....I penciled in some nails (since in reality I bit them all the way down)

Lee's hand resting on a scrap of paper

If I sit and stare long enough....

things like this happen

If I'm in the car, I start doodling what I see--most of the times, it's sketches of my feet.

If I'm in church, I start doodling on the weekly newsletter or writing all over my hands.

Then I take my doodles and throw them in the trash.

Maybe I'll start taking little pics of them and then throw them in the trash--just like I did with this banana on my desk.  I ate the banana, then threw the scarp paper away.  But now it's here for you to enjoy :)

J

Gradient--unfinished draft

I never publish works-in-progress. I usually go through a long self-editing process.

But then my changes are lost, and there's no way to retrieve those original words I'd chosen.

I remember studying classic literature in college, and being able to read the rough-drafts of poems and plays--as they were transforming into the masterpieces we all know today.

Now none of my work is a masterpiece. But I thought it would be cool to save a rough draft for once. Keep it logged. That way when I change a word or delete a line or put a comma in and then take it out. I'd remember.

love IS

Yesterday at church the sermon was about Love. Very appropriate considering it was (St.)Valentine's weekend.

We spent time in 1Cr13--in the passages where Love is described... Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful...

And our pastor spoke about what it looks like to be patient, what it means to be kind, or not envious etc...

But one thing struck me, as an aside really, and it revolved around "love IS," or to be more specific it revolved about what it meant to BE kind, to BE patient, etc. 

See there's a difference between being kind and acting kind. When you look up kind in the dictionary it is defined as a good and benevolent nature. It means the very essence of what someone is is good and benevolent. 

Sometimes as Christians we pat ourselves on the back when we exhibit self-control. What I mean is that we see someone or are put in a situation where we can be rude, impatient, judgmental, etc... And on the inside we are thinking so many things: little insults or wise cracks, inside we're boiling with impatience, inside we're furious. But we rein it all in, and then congratulate ourselves for BEING so Kind. 

When in fact, people who ARE kind, whose natures are truly kind, whose natures are truly patient, aren't thinking of wisecracks and insults. They aren't actually frustrated but holding it in. 

They really are waiting patiently. They really only have soft and kind thoughts about people. They are gracious. 

Don't get me wrong, it is a tremendous feat to hold one's tongue and to exhibit self-control, but that's only the first step. We've got to pray for a transformation of our nature. We need God to help transform us into GENUINELY kind and patient persons. 

Because otherwise we are just ACTING kind and ACTING patiently. We ARE not genuinely that way. 

See Jesus clarified the law for us in Matthew 5. He went further than simply condemning acting upon our sinful nature, but he went so far as to condemn even our sinful thoughts.  Jesus realized that our thoughts reveal a lot about our natures.

_____________________________________

I have the perfect example of living kindness in my husband--a man who is truly kind. 

A number of years back while we were in marriage counseling, we did an exercise. It took us hours, but we sat down and dug into our natures. We searched for who we are at our cores. To better understand each other, it was important to try to pin down that one quality that permeates almost every action and thought. 

Mine was Passion.

Lee's was Kindness.

At the very core of who Lee IS is kind. It explains why he only sees the good in people, to the point of it harming him in relationships and friendships. It explains why he's hurt when people take advantage of his niceness. He has often spoken to me about how people in his life have mistaken his kindness for weakness. And after yesterday's sermon, it explains why he would say this, 

I mean the sermon today was all common sense...Just be genuine!

 Of course being genuine to him would mean being patient and kind--it's who he genuinely is! But that is not the case for most of us, especially me.

I know that I'm not as naturally kind as my husband, but I pray to God to transform me into a kinder and more loving person. 

One Word: Achieve

I was once very ambitious

And competitive to the point of vicious. 

Each challenge was met as an affront--

Stalking my opponent and preparing to hunt.

Till one day my confidence was broken

And I was no longer brave and outgoing

In my place was someone guarded and scared

Dreams left to die because I refused to dare.

And here I am older and irrelevant

trying to start over--to write a new testament.

My one dream is to find something to achieve

And yet I'm so scared to even believe.

Exhilarating

I skim my fingertips across your smooth skin--
Feeling and pinching you.
You are delicate but resilient,
As my zealous hands explore you further.

You feel so familiar to me, but in every way that matters
You're completely new.
And while, I feel like I can predict where this is going--
How this is going to end,

I need you to bring me there.

I always get like this toward the end.
You're irresistible to me.

And once I've had you
Felt you
Consumed you
I place you among the countless others.

Physically forgotten
But eternally etched in my soul--
In the very stuff that makes me
me.

Quotes of Late

Jillien: Bae, how do you feel about going to the store to pick up eggs and bacon for  breakfast?
Lee: I don't feel good about it.
-------------------------------------------
Jillien: Ugh, my friend posted the nastiest shit i've ever seen in my life on Facebook today.
Lee: I hate when t hey do that
Jillien: i can't seem to get it out of my mind. I keep thinking about it and It literally makes me gag... What should I do?
Lee: Don't tell me about it...
-----------------------------------------

[The sounds of Lee playing Fifa in the background....Cheers from the tv]
Lee:....Fucker.

-------------------------------------------

Maggie: knock knock
Lia and I: Who's there?
Maggie: Orange
L&J: Orange Who?
Maggie: Orange you gunna eat?

---------------------------------------
Maggie: knock knock
Lia and I: Who's there?
Maggie: Grape
L&J: Grape Who?
Maggie: Orange you gunna eat?

---------------------------------------------------
Maggie: knock knock
Lia and I: Who's there?
Maggie: Bee blop doobie da da blah
L&J: Bee blop doobie da da blah Who?
Maggie: Orange you gunna eat?

A Reader: 1968

You never got past page 115. I know because you never got around to lifting the dog-eared page you used to keep your place. Now 46 years later, the page is so precisely creased that I'm certain attempting to straighten it will only result in its tearing completely off.  You wrote a small prose In the back that I'm certain was Salinger induced, inspired, and impersonated. Although, I must admit that your small anecdote scribbled in the back empty pages of a long-forgotten, never read volume has been more successfully delivered than any such writing i've composed.

Douglas, May 1968. I also don't think I've ever seen a book so old yet so perfectly preserved – almost as if it's owner never fully opened any of the pages but gingerly manipulated open the book only as far as needed to uncomfortably read all the words.

One thing I know is that this book cost $.75 in 1968. I bought it for $.50 in 2014.  I probably would've paid $.75.

It's that good.