I'm off track

My husband and I attended a service at a local church in Baton Rouge years ago--just out of a whim. We had drifted way off course in our faith, in our relationship, in our lives... and the spirit spoke to us that night  when the pastor gave his sermon, which was appropriately named The Drift. It was all about the NEED to remain conscious of where we stand. That if we become lazy, we drift away from the light of God--from the kingdom. Every day should begin with a purposeful repositioning--making sure you're heading Godward.

Well that sermon struck a cord with me even though I was too proud to admit it at the time.

Lee and I have referenced the teachings of that message constantly through the years.  But in recent months, through the stresses of this move, I hadn't noticed how far I'd drifted... Yea, I still go to church twice a week, but you would never tell from my attitude, my thoughts, and my actions.

How can I expect God to send grace down onto my life, if I'm not even making a conscious effort to live a pleasing life??? How can I expect goodness and mercy, when I'm so mean and unforgiving? This is not a God directed life.

As I sit here and type, I'm thinking of all of my sins... the ones that are obvious ie: bad attitude, quick to anger, laziness; and the ones that I keep buried down deep. But wanna know what happens when you bury something??? if you bury it and deny it nourishment, it dies. But if you're like me and you bury it in the rich soil of your constant thoughts, feed it regularly with attention, and protect it from destruction by refusing to acknowledge how harmful it is to you... it grows and becomes a tangled mess. Like a labyrinth that you've no way of knowing how to escape. It blocks your path. It blocks your vision. It blocks grace.

My future is too uncertain to further complicate it with a lack of vision. It is time that I do a reckoning. It starts today with right now!

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

Who me?! 
Oh don't mind me!
I was just heading to the bathroom.
What jars?
Oh, these jars!
Um. Well.
See, Its actually a very funny story...

hosted by: Stony River

Stretched

I am feeling stretched to my limits. My patience. My tolerance. My comfort. All under the ultimate test!

This move to North Carolina, in my heart, feels like it is where God is pointing our family. I feel like Lee and I are Joshua and Caleb staring at the promised land--flowing with milk and honey, but of course, there are giants in the land.

What are my giants?
--Unfamiliarity
--Distance from my friends and family
--Having to rely so heavily upon lee and him having to lean just as much on me. It will definitely be a test for our relationship.

When people ask me, "Are you excited?" The one honest response I can give them is, "The ONLY thing I'm excited about is having a home again."

For the past 3 1/2 years I've been a stay at home mom and loved every second of it. What is coming up for me in NC? Lee and I have been talking about me applying for jobs full-time, and I have to admit, it's terrifying! I have my degree in English, but that is not a big money-maker, lemme just tell ya! So what else is there out there for me to do?

So many questions are laid out before me. And even my imagination is being stretched.

Well, I came to a decision last night at 9:30PM when Lee and I finally made it on the road back to New Orleans from Baton Rouge....

I'm going to search for the kingdom. I'm going to pursue only the grace of God, and in my search for Him, I am confident that everything else will fall into place. (Well to be honest--confident is a strong word considering how insecure I am about it all. But, hey! Gotta fake it till you make it, right!!?!??!?)

Shape

Its all the heavy breathing;
The up and down,
The tense muscles,
The need to stop,
But the want to continue
That has my mind going
In every direction.

[Argh! Exercise....
This is what I get for getting so dang
Out of Shape!]

Make yourself at home

Hospitality can be a very simple thing if given the chance. At its very basic implementation one simply surrenders his or her own comfort for the comfort of others. Allowing the house be a few degrees colder than one is used to can be uncomfortable but it's all in the attitude... One can grit his teeth, anxious for these people to leave, while stressing about the energy bill; OR one could give with joy--singleminded toward making his guest at home.

Have you ever felt unwelcome? Ever felt like you were putting someone out? It's a horrible feeling! Just yearning for the day when you can be back in the comfort of your home. While we all probably prefer to be in our own homes, it's disgusting to have an oppresive host, who although may give generously, gives without joy, and trust me your guest can tell!

"Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Cor 9:7

I'm in no-man's land

Wondering where I've been?
The answer to that is: everywhere and nowhere.
We had the most awful experience moving out of our home. It was unorganized, dysfunctional, and extremely emotionally draining.
So after we finally moved everything out on Tuesday, we relocated to my friend's apartment. Where we'll stay until the end of the week. We will decide where to go after that...

Why so unsettled? Because our original temporary home did not allow our cat to come. So  we would either have to pay hundreds of dollars to have him boarded for a month.... hundreds of dollars that our family does NOT HAVE or live all over.

Needless to say this has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through!

But we're getting through it by the grace of God and the goodness of our friends.

JM

How Generic

How generic can you be?
Have you lost all sense of wit ?
Has your cleverness evaporated
Like dew on the pavement?
You noob?!
You fourth-grader posing as a writer!!
Where are your words?
Where did your inspiration go?
Did it go with the home you desperately sold?
Did it go with the concept of what home actually was to you?
Did it go with your comfort?
Did it go with your familiarity?
One thing's for sure, my dear....
It is gone!

Wassahapaning

I am voluteering at church all week, even though I have to pack up my house. We close on Friday and must be out by Monday. It's terrifying. I'm busy. I'm in denial and am renting for the first time. READY OR NOT north carolina.... Here we come!

Days

I have many colored days too

Purple days for when I'm feeling down

So my sad days are never blue.

I usually awake to pink days 

And smile,
but those days turn gray

Every once in a while.

Today is bright green

Although under the surface

I'm not as calm as I seem.

The Meme that keeps on Meme'ing!!!

On a recent meme post Microfiction Monday, a very talented writer Alesa got me thinking with this comment:

 Alesa Warcan said...
I just followed your lead, but thank you for your kind words.

Might be interesting if the commenters added 140 character fragments to the story... but that, of course, is another story.

*To which I responded......


 Jillien said...That would be an AWESOME concept. I once did something like that many years ago... the original story teller would give you three options on where to take the story.... so then you chose a path and continued to write... once you hit a crossroad, you posted 3 paths, and its goes on and on. It was lots of fun! It would be great to do one large infinite story post!

So it got me thinking?!?!?!? Would anyone be interested in a unending story meme???

Sunday Citar

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

"Cuz its the Best Day EVER!"--Spongebob

We went to New Orleans the other day, unwittingly, during French Quarter Festival! It was literally the best day ever, and I don't think we could have planned it better. There were 2 ferry rides, bands, beignets, french quarter boutiques, balloon animals, did I mention the beignets? My daughter was in sugar-induced heaven, and the 10 dollars I spent the entire day were the best 10 dollars I ever spent in my life in just seeing how everything made my angel so happy! 

Its late and the droning of my computer is lulling me to sleep.
 I've not had many words lately.
My simple and dependable little signifiers have abandoned me. 
I force myself to click and type.
And think
And emote
And feel.
******************************************


I can't breathe.
I can't breeaathe.
The words are pounding against her skull.
I cannot breathe
I will not breathe again.
Her heart is broken.
And the air has been forced from her lungs,
By the very pain of it all.
*****************************************

Baton Rouge Symphony Orchestra Chorus--Requiem

This Thursday will be my last performance with the Baton Rouge Symphony Chorus since I'll be moving out of state by next month.

Here's a piece of the second movement of Verdi's Requiem

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story (in 140 characters)

I never thought it would take this long. 
Wasn't there supposed to be some fairy godmother
who comes to the rescue?
There's no changing back.

hosted by Stony River

I am having so much trouble controlling how incredibly angry I am right now.

Haiku Again

This week's theme: Decisions

I have decided

To do what brings me sadness:

I have sold my home.

[Someone else will sit

Where I held my newborn girl

And rocked her to sleep.

Someone else will eat

Where all my friends and I ate--

Where we laughed and spoke.

Someone else will sleep

In the room my lil girl slept

and played pretend.]

The ghosts of all my

Memories haunt me at night

I no longer sleep.

There's not a single word
To represent
Every thought that runs through my mind.
Every break in my heart
Every short  breath I take.
Its all very
Wordless.

That would be me on the far left hehehe

Desperately needs faith and hope

Psalm 25 (New International Version)

Psalm 25

Of David.

 ¹ To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; 
  ² in you I trust, O my God....
 ¹¹ For the sake of your name, O LORD,
       forgive my iniquity, though it is great....
  ¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me, 
       for I am lonely and afflicted.
 ¹⁷ The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
       free me from my anguish.
 ¹⁸ Look upon my affliction and my distress
       and take away all my sins...
 ²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me,
       because my hope is in you.

She Is Trying

She falls.
Collapses, really, on her knees and begins to pray.
She prays out of fear and desperation.
The grass beneath her is dry and warm.
The day still.
The air fresh and indifferent.
It cares not--the wind that is.
It never has.
Those frivolous molecules that circle the globe
Yielding only long enough to make a dent
Or to go around.
What does it care that she is falling apart?
Who would notice
That her statue-like sitting is only because
The alternative would be out-of-control?
She's digging.
Head bowed.
Warm, salt-brimmed tears fill her eyes,
Then cascade onto the blades of green
Where they bend with the pressure--
Receiving her wet offerings.
Here she begins to mumble her prayers.
[The space around her can almost begin
To understand what she is saying.
Its audacious eavesdropping.]
She uses all her strength to maintain composure.
She wants to beat the ground.
Scream.
Brandish her arms.
Hit something.
Pull at her skin.
Claw at her face.
She doesn't.
She kneels
And prays.
And mumbles.
And cries.