Heart racing
I sit
impatiently.
Waiting to hear
what you thought
of someone else.

Delve

My daughter's birthday

In less than a month, my daughter turns 4.

Four years! and in those four years plus the 40 weeks leading up to that day, my life flipped around and spun around and twisted and transformed.

And time has moved away from me so quickly, I'm left reeling. I can't believe yet another year has passed. Last year Lia had 3 separate birthday celebrations--an abundance of friends and cake and laughter.

So am I going to go through a huge ordeal for her 4th birthday? Her friends are 1000+ miles away. Her family is 500-1000+.

TOTALLY I AM!

Why?

Because it is her birthday, and if anyone remembers that day it's ME for sure. I will celebrate her life. I will try to make it as special as possible, because on that day God changed my life forever. On that day, one i can never forget, I was blessed with Lia.

ITs more a celebration forme than for her.... although I do want her to enjoy :)

My cryptic words

So I called for inspiration and I've spoken in nothing but prose for weeks lol.

Cacophony

I only heard a bit.
A wee bit,
Which definitely showed
You were trying.

But you will hear me.
My voice will trill with praise.
And at the soul--
At the very pit, you will hear God.

7 AM

Seven AM Thoughts.
Rushing,
Hungry Thoughts.
Excited,
Nervous Thoughts
At seven AM.

Laid in bed and watched the sun grow bright.
Remembered my dreams
That consumed my night
All these feelings and faces and bodies
Fill my seven AM thoughts.

Then with some simple taps
I preserve this day
Like a jar of apple butter
Sweet and tantalizing and
Not-too-good-for-you
I store my seven AM thoughts.

Delve

Take A Seat

I sit down...
Some more
With feet aching.
This is a different type of sitting.
This is leisurely sitting...
A sitting filled with depth and longing.
A sitting calmed with rhythmic breathing.
A sitting with eyes closed.
I'm waiting
For the words.
Only words.
No calls
Or orders
Or goals
Or expectations
This sitting is my sitting.
I hum.
And the familiar voice is echoed through my ears and mind
I know this voice and I quickly shut it off
wishing not to make a sound.
I want my body entirely silent.
Just sitting.
This is where I feel my best.
Not on a beach with the bright sun crisping my skin.
Not on a boat ride bouncing on the choppy waves.
But in my room
Darkened room
With no sounds.
Only words.
Silent words.
Oh,
and Sitting, of course.

Exasperation

Its that feeling, ya know?
When the words that shouldn't be said
Blurt out.
When the thoughts that shouldn't be thought
Fumble themselves out your mouth.
Its this feeling I get after every occasion,
After every visit,
After every conversation.
And its because you're new to me.
Its because I'm new to you.
Its because I'm my own harshest critic.
Its because I feel a constant burden to be a beacon of God's love,
Whilst being sinful,
While being flawed.
While being myself and liking who I am
Yet being ashamed of how I feel
Or what I've done.
Or what I said
Or for how I made you feel
Or how I think I made you feel.
And this is all I feel
Every Time
I speak.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

This black mountain

was ferociously loud.
Without food, water
People or love

The fight had left him.
He braced himself for
Its dark embrace.

hosted by: Stony River @www.stoneyriver.ie

Is it terrible?????

Is it terrible to acknowledge when a baby isn't cute??

Do all babies have to be called cute?  Its like an unspoken rule....

I know the old saying "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."  And I totally believe that. But in reality... there must be some uncute babies out there right?

I See God There: Ode to Kimi C

In your smooth west-coast flair
I see God there.
And as you gently ripple through the thrashing waves
And lead the women through example and grace,
I see God there.
It is your constant support of a man much burdened,
That allows a whole people to become closer to salvation
That much closer to the LORD.
And it is in that love that I see God.
And to me even closer still.
You've blessed and cared
For that most precious to me.
You stepped in, when I was forced to step out,
And I see God there too.

Erato

I call on you once more tonight.
My mind had settled in endless night.
No thoughts or words or light or rhymes
Have left my shell until these lines.

And farther down I push you still
With eyes closed tight the tapping fills
My ears; my absence dried up all reserves
of long lost talent in shifting words.

So as the moon above me shivers
In mad delight, my body quivers
In fear of having lost it all--
The words that cushioned every fall...

Falls into the lonely spaces
And plunges into angry traces
And tracks around familiar faces
Of sins pushed down in waiting places.

you're welcome

There must be a way

To transition from stay at home mom/ susie homemaker to professional working mom/woman. I just haven't found it yet.

I broke down....

after her pleading in the store, and bought Lia silly bandz....

I can't believe the trends have started at 3 years old. I thought for sure I had until 10... lol

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 

(in 144 characters... sorry for the cheat. I'm out of practice)

Not so much a secret as purposeful neglect.

He said he would let it all fall down.

And it did. It fell.

While memories like stones chipped away.

Fads

I had never heard of a Silly Band before moving to North Cackalacky. Even gas stations advertise that silly bandz are in stock!
But every single child between the age of 3 and 18 is loaded up with Silly Bandz....And I'm wondering why?

When I was a kid what was the THING that everyone HAD TO HAVE?? Were they scrunchies? or comic cards? or pogs?  But why? How do these things occur? Just brilliant marketing? The right, popular girl in school has them and it causes a butterfly effect that sweeps the nation?

Well whatever it is---it IS. It is in these Silly Bandz. It was in the pogs of the 90's. What will it be in 10 years? Who or what will be the catalyst for that craze?

Where could I have gone?

I've been working.

Yes after almost 4 years of stay at home mothering... I am now a working mother and wife. It is such a strange feeling. I am elated that I'm able to learn a new industry(insurance) and that I'm able to contribute to the financial well-being of our family, but I am also struggling with the thought that i have to go EVERY STINKING DAY. and that I have to be there OVER EIGHT STINKING HOURS!  

I'm fortunate that the people I work with are AMAZING, helpful, God-fearing, beautiful, funny, intelligent, etc. etc. etc (the king and I--look it up)

Anyways that means....

I'm so incredibly busy, its hard to breathe. Hard to type. Hard to write. Hard to think. Hard to emote. Hard to imagine.

I hope I don't lose myself.

Quotes of Late

Lia saying grace: "Dear Jesus, thank you for our food... and then he huffed and he puffed and he bleeewwww the house down."

Lia after I cut Lee's hair: "Daddy, why do you have Cristiano Ronaldo hair?"

Lia describing Charlotte's Web: "Charlotte is a spider, and she DIED!"
LEE= Mortified
Jillien: No Lia tell daddy about the movie....
Lia: "Wilbur was saying NO NO DON"T DIE! but Charlotte said, "No. I'm dead"
Lee= extremely mortified "WHAT KIND OF MOVIE DID YOU TAKE HER TO!"

What I'm watching

The Love Message Revisited

I'm always wondering why...

Why I get angry so quickly. Why I can't just let things slide. Why I'm so impatient. 

But recently the Lord has been sending a message to me of LOVE. He's been pressing this theme upon me, and I can't just let it slip me by as if to say, "I don't have a problem with love... look at my family. I love my family"... right?

Sometimes its hard to love, or maybe I should say it this way: Sometimes its hard to love properly. Love without expectations. Love without stipulations. Love without resentment. Love immediately. Love patiently. Love kindly.

How many mothers out there can relate to loving one's child impatiently??? A LOT right!

BUT how about loving one's child resentfully? Not so much, I'm sure.

Although I there are probably many reasons I am the way I am, including my upbringing and my parents' style of child rearing, I can't help but wonder if my own resentment at getting pregnant at such a young age and all the depression and havoc it initially caused in my life have anything to do with how I behave today? Maybe I'm still holding on to the “old days.”

But I think the Lord knows my heart; He knows how desperately I want to succeed as a parent and wife, and He's trying to help. Recently I believe God has sent me clues as to how to defeat these dark moments. How to forgive the world and forgive my circumstances and forgive my husband and forgive my child even though they are guiltless. 

How? Ephesians 4! that's how! But I'll go backwards  Starting from the hardest and most important to the daily requirements of proper love....

32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

First Forgive! Make a conscience decision every day to forgive ahead of time. Before any fault is committed, they are forgiven. They are forgiven immediately and without need of repayment. Just as we live in the complete forgiveness of the LORD.

31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Second let it all go! All the hurts. All the ill will. All the resentment and anger. Let it slip from you. Write a letter. Have a talk. Pray on it.  Just do it. Start fresh every morning. Make no record of wrongdoing.  Clean slate every day.

 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I am the queen of mean. Sometimes I say the most hurtful things because I'm angry.

6"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

We are not justified to sin even if our anger is justified. Wanna be a better person?  Learn how to hold your tongue. Learn some self control. 

Finally after all this:

16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Now this post is in no way a testament of how wise I am, nor am I a psychoanalyst who has some sort of insight into these types of things. No Way! I am just a woman who has been desperately praying and begging the Lord to aid her in her life, and who the Lord has guided to this one central message: LOVE. Just love unconditionally and without any hint of resentment because of the past or anger or impatience. And it goes for all of my relationships. Not just as a mother, but as a wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law, cousin, friend, and acquaintance.

And why am I sharing all this? Because I can't be the only one.

I've been receiving this message for about a week, (its probably been longer and I just wasn't listening but now that I am, already I'm better!) I remind myself in the morning to relax, to not overreact, to behave lovingly, and then I try my best to fulfill that goal for my day. And I feel the anger slipping away. (sometimes I do mess up) but I start again. And I'm hoping that this becomes  a life long change for me.