Erato

I call on you once more tonight.
My mind had settled in endless night.
No thoughts or words or light or rhymes
Have left my shell until these lines.

And farther down I push you still
With eyes closed tight the tapping fills
My ears; my absence dried up all reserves
of long lost talent in shifting words.

So as the moon above me shivers
In mad delight, my body quivers
In fear of having lost it all--
The words that cushioned every fall...

Falls into the lonely spaces
And plunges into angry traces
And tracks around familiar faces
Of sins pushed down in waiting places.

you're welcome

There must be a way

To transition from stay at home mom/ susie homemaker to professional working mom/woman. I just haven't found it yet.

I broke down....

after her pleading in the store, and bought Lia silly bandz....

I can't believe the trends have started at 3 years old. I thought for sure I had until 10... lol

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 

(in 144 characters... sorry for the cheat. I'm out of practice)

Not so much a secret as purposeful neglect.

He said he would let it all fall down.

And it did. It fell.

While memories like stones chipped away.

Fads

I had never heard of a Silly Band before moving to North Cackalacky. Even gas stations advertise that silly bandz are in stock!
But every single child between the age of 3 and 18 is loaded up with Silly Bandz....And I'm wondering why?

When I was a kid what was the THING that everyone HAD TO HAVE?? Were they scrunchies? or comic cards? or pogs?  But why? How do these things occur? Just brilliant marketing? The right, popular girl in school has them and it causes a butterfly effect that sweeps the nation?

Well whatever it is---it IS. It is in these Silly Bandz. It was in the pogs of the 90's. What will it be in 10 years? Who or what will be the catalyst for that craze?

Where could I have gone?

I've been working.

Yes after almost 4 years of stay at home mothering... I am now a working mother and wife. It is such a strange feeling. I am elated that I'm able to learn a new industry(insurance) and that I'm able to contribute to the financial well-being of our family, but I am also struggling with the thought that i have to go EVERY STINKING DAY. and that I have to be there OVER EIGHT STINKING HOURS!  

I'm fortunate that the people I work with are AMAZING, helpful, God-fearing, beautiful, funny, intelligent, etc. etc. etc (the king and I--look it up)

Anyways that means....

I'm so incredibly busy, its hard to breathe. Hard to type. Hard to write. Hard to think. Hard to emote. Hard to imagine.

I hope I don't lose myself.

Quotes of Late

Lia saying grace: "Dear Jesus, thank you for our food... and then he huffed and he puffed and he bleeewwww the house down."

Lia after I cut Lee's hair: "Daddy, why do you have Cristiano Ronaldo hair?"

Lia describing Charlotte's Web: "Charlotte is a spider, and she DIED!"
LEE= Mortified
Jillien: No Lia tell daddy about the movie....
Lia: "Wilbur was saying NO NO DON"T DIE! but Charlotte said, "No. I'm dead"
Lee= extremely mortified "WHAT KIND OF MOVIE DID YOU TAKE HER TO!"

What I'm watching

The Love Message Revisited

I'm always wondering why...

Why I get angry so quickly. Why I can't just let things slide. Why I'm so impatient. 

But recently the Lord has been sending a message to me of LOVE. He's been pressing this theme upon me, and I can't just let it slip me by as if to say, "I don't have a problem with love... look at my family. I love my family"... right?

Sometimes its hard to love, or maybe I should say it this way: Sometimes its hard to love properly. Love without expectations. Love without stipulations. Love without resentment. Love immediately. Love patiently. Love kindly.

How many mothers out there can relate to loving one's child impatiently??? A LOT right!

BUT how about loving one's child resentfully? Not so much, I'm sure.

Although I there are probably many reasons I am the way I am, including my upbringing and my parents' style of child rearing, I can't help but wonder if my own resentment at getting pregnant at such a young age and all the depression and havoc it initially caused in my life have anything to do with how I behave today? Maybe I'm still holding on to the “old days.”

But I think the Lord knows my heart; He knows how desperately I want to succeed as a parent and wife, and He's trying to help. Recently I believe God has sent me clues as to how to defeat these dark moments. How to forgive the world and forgive my circumstances and forgive my husband and forgive my child even though they are guiltless. 

How? Ephesians 4! that's how! But I'll go backwards  Starting from the hardest and most important to the daily requirements of proper love....

32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

First Forgive! Make a conscience decision every day to forgive ahead of time. Before any fault is committed, they are forgiven. They are forgiven immediately and without need of repayment. Just as we live in the complete forgiveness of the LORD.

31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Second let it all go! All the hurts. All the ill will. All the resentment and anger. Let it slip from you. Write a letter. Have a talk. Pray on it.  Just do it. Start fresh every morning. Make no record of wrongdoing.  Clean slate every day.

 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I am the queen of mean. Sometimes I say the most hurtful things because I'm angry.

6"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

We are not justified to sin even if our anger is justified. Wanna be a better person?  Learn how to hold your tongue. Learn some self control. 

Finally after all this:

16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Now this post is in no way a testament of how wise I am, nor am I a psychoanalyst who has some sort of insight into these types of things. No Way! I am just a woman who has been desperately praying and begging the Lord to aid her in her life, and who the Lord has guided to this one central message: LOVE. Just love unconditionally and without any hint of resentment because of the past or anger or impatience. And it goes for all of my relationships. Not just as a mother, but as a wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law, cousin, friend, and acquaintance.

And why am I sharing all this? Because I can't be the only one.

I've been receiving this message for about a week, (its probably been longer and I just wasn't listening but now that I am, already I'm better!) I remind myself in the morning to relax, to not overreact, to behave lovingly, and then I try my best to fulfill that goal for my day. And I feel the anger slipping away. (sometimes I do mess up) but I start again. And I'm hoping that this becomes  a life long change for me.  

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 1

(in 140 characters or less)

Come to us they sang.

But their shrill voices were driving me mad!

If you'd had heard it, you wouldn't blame me for what I did next...

The Story 2

(in 133 characters)

UGH!! Back up off me.

I done told you! I Do Not Have Any More Bait for you to eat.

You're lucky I don't stick a hook in the next one!

hosted by : stony river

The Love Message

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
Mother Teresa 


Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action.
Mother Teresa 

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home.
Mother Teresa 

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
Mother Teresa 


Be careful when you pray for patience, because God will answer that prayer with more opportunities to be patient. 
Lead Pastor Kimi.

Sometimes I struggle with how much I should type out on this thing. How much I should share. Not knowing who's reading or who knows me on here makes it an ever greater risk that the personal things I type on my blog can be used against me or can be spread as gossip about me. And I struggle with that because like I've gone through so many things, that I've learned so much and have gone through such an interesting journey of faith that I feel called to share the things I've learned. Even though its embarrassing or hurtful. Even though I would rather everyone have this surreal picture of perfection when it comes to my life, I still find myself typing out the most intimate secrets.  

My mornings are mine no longer

I write at night--

When I'm tired and worn

Because I'm more tired

Early in the morn.

___________________________

You notice me not because you are looking

But because you happen to glance and see me there.

You speak to me not because you are yearning

But because I called out to you and you were there.

___________________________________________

I read and read.
I'm searching for You.
I call out to You.
I implore You.
And everyday
Its all the same.
No change.
Not yet.

Microfiction Monday

 The Picture

The Story

(In 140 characters)

DagNabbit, BillyBob!
I thought I done told ya
Lazy Dog's too fancy for my likin
All dem prissy folk think dey too
good for a 2pc &a biscuit.

Hosted by: Stony River

Late night Blogging!

Its one AM, and I'm feeling inspired.

A couple of weeks ago marked my 5 year blogging anniversary. 5 years. I've been typing/ recording/ thinking/ babbling/ blundering... for FIVE years.

During that time I underwent so many changes, made so many mistakes, cracked so many jokes, made so many friends.... lost those friends. Shed some tears. Graduated college. Had a baby. Got married. Made a life. Became an SPP mom. Moved away.

And here I sit. Wondering where I'll be in another 5 years. I went from 19 to 24 [i'll be 25 next month] in 5 more years I'll be 30. Will I still be here? On stupidsometimes.com?

Nicknames, like the Infamous that I got as a kid, will they still make sense then? They barely make sense now. Will I change it? Or hold on for "old time's sake?"

Will I still call myself a writer?

Will I still be reading? Following? Commenting?

5 years.

If you'd have talked to me 5 years ago, I would have never thought I'd be a mother, not to mention a wife and a North Carolina resident!

It just goes to show you that the plans God has for us is beyond the scope of our imaginations. It is so much bigger than the plans we have for ourselves. Even the humblest of lives are grander than the trivial expectations of man.

But I do want more, world. I want more education. I want more faith. I want more words. Give them to me; Or let me take them. I am not done. I have yet to reach the pinnacle of my life.

Joshua 14:12 "Now therefore GIVE ME THIS MOUNTAIN..."

GOL!!!!!!!!!!! Wait? No!?

If anyone saw the USA vs Slovenija match this morning, you KNOW the major JIPPING that took place! I know this sounds insane, but it put me in such a bad mood that it took hours for me to get over it really.

That referee's horrible judgment and incompetency should be considered a SIN!

Don't know what I'm talking about??!??!?!? You can check it out for yourself ---->here<------ OR  you can sit through this completely bias and patriotic description of what happened given by ME.


The US team, discouraged and beaten, are losing 2-0 by half time. Slovenija looks good. I mean really good. Precise. Fast. Smart.

But our men are from the LAND OF THE FREE and the HOME OF THE BRAVE!

USA comes back with the eye of the tiger during the second half and shoot 2 brilliant goals to tie the game. With 5 minutes to spare, the US has a corner kick. The players on both ends are scrambling for the ball. The green team to kick it out of the danger zone; the noble red, white, and blue are focused on scoring. AND THEY DO! The ball flies into the goal; we are AHEAD, and victory is just a minute away.

That is UNTIL the King of Incompetency calls a foul, takes our goal away, and we tie--making our future in the mundial very unsure.... Why the foul? NO REASON!!! See the replays. See the highlights. See the game.

We have been robbed of our win--truly and honestly. Worst call I've ever seen. It was blatant misjudgment.

FIFA should come down on that arbiter with a vengeance.

Haiku! Love it!

Today's Theme: Fathers

 Taller and Stronger

Smarter and Braver, he be.

My daddy is it. 

The best provider,

The most understanding one

There is on this Earth.

The best in a man--

Lemme tell you the truth, cher.

My daddy is it.

GRRR at you BLOGGER

Did anyone's custom template get totally messed up when blogger unLEASHED its new template designer??!?!!!! Well mine did!!!

And anyone who's been following this blog for any number of months KNOWS how difficult it is for me to choose a template. And just when I get that nifty red one and thought it would be mine forever--Blogger came and snatched it from my grasp, like a thief in the night it came and took my red-wonder away!

And what am I left with?!!?! HUH! This. Just look at it.

I mean I guess its nice.

Its not as busy and apoplectic-seizure inducing as my old one.

I guess it'll do.

*wink*

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 

(138 characters)

I thought I was getting better.

Thought they'd send me home soon.

But this is a disturbing vision;

I'll just sit here until it goes away.

Hosted by: Stony River

The Church Shopping Experience

I don't know your faith... I can only testify on my own experiences, but I can tell you that I wish to be a beacon. A faith-filled, spirit-guided beacon of Christ love.

I found a true fullness in Spirit in Baton Rouge at my church home with Healing Place Church. And anyone who is wandering in the wilderness, suffering in the valley, for anyone who thinks that God has left him or her, for anyone who feels so sinful that the eternal love of God has excluded him, I urge desperately to check out that website. Check out the online sermons. They are wonderful and a good taste of truth.

But I'm now a THOUSAND miles away and searching.

How many of us are searching? And for what? How many feel lost? How many feel unfulfilled?

I know that I can't do it alone. I need a church community. I need role-models--cuz lemme tell ya a lil secret, cher: I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM SO SINFUL. I CAN BE A TERRIBLE PERSON AT TIMES. I AM IMPATIENT. I AM QUICK TO ANGER. I AM EASILY ANNOYED. and a million other things that I beg with the Lord to help me correct.

I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better woman. Heck I just want to be a better human being.

So what I need is a church. A need community. I need friends. I need it now.

We arrived in NC on Monday. Saturday night we attended  a large, well established church. This (sunday) morning we attended Story Church and tonight we met with the Story Church Dream Team for a luau/bbq.  And while they are similar in many ways; powerful in many ways, it is the energetic beginning that has drawn us to Story Church. It is the growing need for growth that has us excited to join in.

While meeting with the congregation I noticed that most of them had a common characteristic..... they were new to Christ or new to Church or they had a background in church but wandered away and came back through Story Church. Lee felt an instant connection to that newness. I, on the other hand, felt drawn by the opportunity to connect and grow. I wanted to belong to a church that was young. I feel myself drawn to serving and building deep relationships. I feel like I want to delve into Theology. I want to learn the Word and pass it on.

What does this have to do with anything?

I can only guess that now that I'm in this new place and we're kind of starting a new life, I'm reevaluating everything. I'm reevaluating what I want and expect from my life. And all these words, ideas, and desires are popping into my mind--keeping me up at night.

But Between the promise and the provision is the perfecting time.  I have dreams, and God will get me there When I'm ready and am completely capable of glorifying Him once I'm there. He doesn't need my help fulfilling the promises He's made to me. I have to surrender and be patient.