Desperate

So many things are flailing all around me,
While requirements and goals and competition and expectations
are strung around my neck.
And when  the end to my struggles drew near,
My noose was loosened
And wrapped around you instead.

And I'm left with less hope than when I started.
If only I could take it all back,
and be the one still hanging.
Relieve your pressure
Your mounting pressure.
The overwhelming stress
That is building within your life.
And replace it with the peace you once knew
I'd gladly tie it on myself.

Delve

First Day

My husband had his first day at his new job today, and I swear I was probably a more nervous wreck than he was!

It's crazy. I was acting as if it was his first day at school thinking "I hope the others are nice to him. I hope that he fits in. I hope he has fun. I hope he's happy."

So when he comes home and slaps on a fake smile and says "it was alright..." my heart sank.  I know it's never perfect on your first day, but I was praying that it would be perfect for him. No need to adjust because he fits right in...

Not the case. And my hormonal, emotional self just started to cry. I cried most of the evening just wishing things would have gone better! In all honesty, my husband's happiness, comfort, and well-being both emotionally and physically are the more important things to me.

If he came home and said that he discovered his new calling and that is to be the fries specialist at McDonald's I would support him.

Where to start

Lia is 5 now.

I cooked a 20 lbs turkey today

I'm debating whether I should hit black friday sales for the first time in my life!

I'm praying that I can write 7 more auto in order to collect my paycheck at work.

I'm stressed for my husband who recently decided to change jobs.

We're looking at homes with a realtor.

Oh and did I mention....

I'm having a girl in March!

Life has been running away from me recently, and it's time to start slowing down.  if not on the outside, then definitely on the inside.

I've just allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where there are no words to express anything anymore.

There is no thankfulness. There is no peace. There is no lucidity.

I feel insecure, unsettled and stressed.

I need to take charge again.

Who me?

Nobody's perfect.--cliche of the century right? As a society we can excuse the most horrible of personality traits by rationalizing that really "no one's perfect."

The funny thing about it is that TRULY no one is perfect. As Christians we are no more flawless than non-christians. We struggle with the same temptations, vices, flaws, genetic dispositions, etc that everyone else has, yet we are called to hold ourselves at a higher standard.

Absolutely understandable and just. Don't you agree?

Ugh there's nothing worse than a judgmental Christian or an angry Christian or an ugly (in personality not looks) Christian, right!?!? Aren't they the ones that "ruin it for the rest of us." They yell "Gays are going to HELL!" and other horrendous, judgmental, mean things that are so unchristian-like it takes your breath away. Or a Christian who beats his wife. Or a Christian who molests. Or a Christian who steals... Hypocrites--ey?

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." [1 Timothy 1:15-16]

And then there are those Christians that have never done a truly sinful thing in their whole lives. They said a cuss word once upon a time, or kissed a guy under the bleachers in the 10th grade, but really delving into the darkest parts of their human nature, they have never tread.  Don't we look at those and say "What the hell do you know of my struggles?"  Oh yeah?! What do you know about hitting rock bottom? What do you know of conquering addiction? What have you ever experienced that you can understand/relate/empathize with me other than your observations of other sinful people?!

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."  C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What about the rest of us? The been-there/done-that crowd. Searching for the Kingdom. Searching for strength that all these people write about and yet we've never felt. Searching to be a leader and a beacon  and an example, while struggling to stay afloat. Praying to be a better spouse, better parent, better Christian, better person, while stumbling our ways to salvation. The moderates. The luke warm?
If we struggle with sin but are trying, does that mean we are in any way qualified to lead? If we stumble and trip our ways through life but dust off our skirts and keep walking forward, does that at all make us role models? Where do we fit in?


Psalm 103:8-14(NIV)

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.

Is blood truly thicker than water?

I think certain types of "blood" are: your mom and dad, your sister and brother, your husband or wife, your child.

Had you asked me 2+ years ago that list would have been so much longer, but now.... I don't agree.

I think Some blood is thicker than water. Maybe it's just my family. Maybe I'm the one to blame, but really when I sit and think about the way some of my family has neglected, abandoned, slandered, and avoided me, I've given up on thinking that you can rely on anyone but those that either birthed you, were birthed by the same people as you or helped you birth someone else.

Can't believe it's that time again

In 4 weeks or so my daughter turns another year older, and there has been so much going on that I barely remembered that I AM responsible for planning the party and sending the invites, and deciding the budget, and the menu, and the guest list, and the location, and the list goes on....

As a party planner I have to say that while I'm not Martha Stewart or anything, I do enjoy throwing a successful party. Last year I planned my butt off, and I don't think it was that successful. Thank goodness Lia was only 4 and didn't realize that everyone showed up an hour late and we only had 15 minutes to eat and sing happy birthday before the "nice" museum people kicked us out of the room.

I had never had such a nerve-racking, disappointing, but then redeeming party experience in my life. I was literally heartbroken for an entire hour thinking no one was going to show up, and then EVERYONE did, just really late.

I really don't want that to happen again. It makes me apprehensive spending money on reserving a location like I did last year, because while the museum play time was really fun, I could have just bought everyone tickets and paid less money than I did for a room we barely used.

So what do I do? I live in an apartment so theres no yard. I could do it at a park, but I'm so nervous that it'll rain or something equally as terrible. I could reserve a place like a jump house, but I don' t want a repeat of last year. The thought really stresses me out.

I've seen so many awesome parties on blogs that I follow and usually I'm great at these kinds of things, but I've become gun shy.

I need some ideas.

HELP!

Streaming

Cascading tears,

Daily cries

In constant heart break.

I feel

Intensely.

My soul cries out to you, O God.

My body thrashes in agony, Dear Lord.

Prayers.

How many more prayers would it take?

How many more pleas of mercy do you need?

Father, I will give you all and more

To relieve your poor servant's pain.

Peace

Super natural healing

Relief

Purification

You, O Lord, hold the power.

To you, O Lord I lift my voice to praise

For your endless grace upon my life,

But Oh Lord, the pain I feel from afar

Consumes me.

Painful visions.

Painful realities

That are not my own.

But I hold on to the truths that I've learned.

I hold on to the knowledge of your wisdom.

I hold on to the experience of your forgiveness.

I hold on to the hope of redemption.

I need to trust in you more.

I need to release this sadness and embrace the happiness

Of the good you've brought about in a poor child's suffering.

Hold on to the lives he's changed and transformed, including my own.

Slowly I feel myself melting.

Hopefully releasing the control and boundaries I've made for myself,

and instead joining in your infinite existence. 

I lift him up to you with joyfulness. 

He who deserves paradise more than most.

He who will be made whole in your loving embrace.

Delve

Made me Laugh--

!!!!You'll have to excuse the profanity!!!!!  If you can see past his potty mouth, he may just make you smile.  As a Catholic, this really cracked me up.  If you grew up Catholic or went to Catholic school, some parts of this are brilliant.

Enjoy:

One Flesh

It's that one flesh principal
That we are called to,
That submissive role
That I'm expected to honor.
Being that right-hand man
or Woman, in this case,
That always trips me up.
Would things really get better
If I acted like
You are always right?
Would life get smoother
If I acted like
Yours are the best ideas?
Would things get easier
If I acted like
Father knows best?
Would I get happier
If I surrendered all of my will
To yours?
Is that supposed to be my prayer?
Lord, teach me how to let him think for me?
I struggle, my friends.
I struggle with being a daughter of Eve.
I struggle with knowing what I'm called to do
And what I need to do,
And what I want to do,
And what feels right to do,
And what I actually do,
And the results of those actions,
And the results of my inactions.

Delve

I see the world through broken glass.

I remember its once perfect curve.
The dull shine of the mid morning sun.
The crisp, clean looking-glass visions.
And then
Small chips appeared in the smooth surface.
Barely noticeable chips.
All due to small traumas.
And because I neglected these injuries
The glass became susceptible.
And when a bit of heat was applied
It cracked.
Long noticeable cracks on the surface.
Making my already defected glass
Obvious for all to see.
Then as I adjusted to this blemish....
And behaved as if it didn't matter
The cold came.
And more fractures
And longer scars across the surface of my glass
So that today
I see the world through broken glass.
And when the sun hits it just right
It sends sharp bright shards of light into my eyes
Blinding me as I attempt to safely make it home.
I see the world through broken glass,
And have yet decided if it's worth the investment.
Worth the time
Worth the effort
To fix it.

Delve

I know it is not enough

There has to be more I can do.

I want prepare my daughter for school and help her become brilliant--while being too tired to think and too stressed from my day that I barely have an ounce of patience.

What do I do? Sometimes I think that my job costs me more than it provides.

But if i stop dreaming and start thinking objectively.... will I have been able to provide Lia with more? Would my house really be cleaner? Would Lia be able to count to 20 by now?

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have taken that time for granted. Or just become more selfish and want more independence.

Knowing me---it would have been a little bit of both.

I think this year I've spent working has shown me how precious Lia is. And how the time I spend with her are treasures.

Maybe I'll be a better mother now because I want to be so badly--because being away from her and wanting her to have so much more has shown me how much I've dropped the ball.

They say its all about the quality time--not the quantity of time... that is what i need to work on. Quality. I find that I being so impatient and tired affects my quality.

I need to be better.

I need to be more patient.
More calm.
More consistent.
More attentive.

More...

Tears for Tripp

So I have cried more in the past 2 days than I think I've ever cried before.

If you're a regular to my blog, I'm sure you've noticed the new button on the right sidebar. Well as a warning *Do Not Click* if you are faint of heart. The pictures and the story of this blog have literally torn my heart out. My soul is aching for this child of God, Tripp.

They are from my home state of Louisiana--on the north shore, close to my home town of New Orleans.

He has a rare skin disease, EB, that makes his skin blister and peel off. It is very painful--excruciatingly so. And he's only 2 years old! He battles daily with the pain, infections, fevers, a trach, feeding tube, blindness (caused by his EB), and so many other ailments that are more than anyone deserves or should have to endure, much less a precious child.

AND HIS MOTHER--my goodness. Talk about a Saint. She is devoted to this child like non other, my friends. Her love, her patience, his strength, and their story have inspired me to be a better mother.

She shows that we are capable of so much love, and I'm not sure I've been tapping into my entire capacity to love to the fullest. If you want to read their story click here, but if this post is enough for you to imagine their struggle,  just send prayers.

Endless prayers. God sized prayers. Make the sun stand still for this Child. Make his pain go away, Dear Lord. Help his mother! Give her strength. And finally Lord, please never let me forget how fortunate I am. You have bestowed more grace upon us than could be imagined. Thank you, Father God, for my healthy family. Thank you Lord for Tripp.

CHEAPSKATE!

So I've been on this major life altering journey to save money. Several months back I completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and it really did open my eyes to how terribly I had managed our household.

While my husband is the "main bread-winner," I am the one who pays the bills, makes household purchases, and manages our accounts.

So if we are in the red---it is MY fault. My husband earns the money, and I spend it.

This is terrifying to all those single men out there!! Probably their worst nightmare, "If I get married, she is going to spend ALL OF MY MONEY!"

And during the first few years of our marriage, that was exactly what happened.

I was 20 years old when I got married, and was a mother, and the lady of the household, and the manager of the funds, and the acquirer of a shiny debt card, and I WENT AT IT! lemme just tell ya'.

Anyways, once we moved to NC from LA our funds were definitely at an all time low. So low that I had to get my own job after nearly 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom. God really provided for us during this time and delivered me a job in less than a week! Praise God for his faithfulness, y'all!

Well since then I've been trying to be a better steward of the money we do have. And I truly feel like I'm getting better. Some months I have my set backs (like this month for example)--when I've over spent, under budgeted, and basically lost my marbles when it comes to financial responsibility.

But I've been reading this book called "The Cheapest Family in America," and it has rejuvenated my desire to succeed with money.

These people are EXTREME when it comes to how little they spend, and while I don't want to go to that level, I do feel like I could do better. WAY better. On average I spend about $650 on groceries a month for 3 people-2 adults and a 4 yr old! that's insane!!!! But it's much better than the over 900$ that I was spending just a few short months ago!

Well 2.5 weeks into July, I found myself severely over budget. Trust me I was distraught! but I have to say that I'm proud of myself because the moment I noticed we were in trouble, I buckled down. My bi-weekly visits to the grocery store disappeared. And I can't tell you how incredibly resourceful I have become with the food in my home.

If you know me, you know that I love to cook and am constantly cooking some new delicious dish. This passion to cook new meals sends me to the store pretty often, but I've had to make due with what's in my pantry and you'll never believe it??!! we're still alive. No one has starved. In fact, it has made me a better cook and more responsible woman. I've exercised way more self control, and I have learned how to be more resourceful with what I do have.  I'm coming to realize how excessive my grocery shopping was now that I've not gone in 2 weeks and am still making due!

Quotes of Late

Lia: "Daddy has the Jingles. If I touch them I can get the chicken pops."

Amy after watching me do a goofy dance in the office: "Was that the Walgreens Shuffle?"

Graham after I told him how embarrassed I was that my shirt was unbuttoned and my chest was hanging out in front of a client. "Oh I saw that."
Jillien: "WHAT! Why didn't you say something?!??!"
Graham: "I thought that was your style."

Kelly: "Little sister I never wanted, I do listen to you when you say something."

VB: "They must be trippin' if they think I'm going to mail that!"

You cannot argue me into someone's heart....

Lord,
You commanded us to love:
Our enemies
You commanded us to honor:
Our fathers and mothers,
Our wives and husbands,
Our spiritual leaders,
And even...
Our political leaders.
As a pastor I knew once said,
Respect is earned,
But Honor is given.
The End.
It was commanded by the LORD.
And we have to trust that Your commands and laws, Father God,
Were established FOR us
Through your unfailing love.
We have to trust
That following your laws
Will lead us
To GREATER happiness
Than we would have ever imagined possible.
More happiness than the results of our own actions would have yielded.
And trust,
There are times when your laws go against my
Feelings.
There are times when I don't feel like following Your laws.
In those times,
I need to surrender to Your infinite wisdom.
I need to understand,
That my life is but a speck on Your timeline, Father.
That You are a circle drawn around my timeline.
All around.
Past
Present and
Future
That what I want,
What I do,
What I say,
Affects
Time itself--
The world in its entirety.
I have to realize
You have a greater purpose.
You have the Blueprints of the Kingdom.
You are the architect of Paradise.
And all I need to do is follow Your plan.
So I pray this evening,
For strength.
Strength to follow Your commands.
To not lead myself astray-- so incredibly far from Your laws
That my life is a constant battle.
That in my desperation to obtain my own desires
I fall on my own sword.

my house is so dirty

These are some of my common sayings when trying to convince people of the level of dirt in my home....

My house is so dirty... if you walked in it right now you would call child protective services on me.

My house is so dirty... you could catch the ebola virus.

My house is so dirty... i have to clean it before I can start cleaning it. 

-------------------

anyway, my mother in law is spending a couple of weeks with us starting this Sunday, and while I'm so excited to have family here, the amount of cleaning, organizing, purging, etc I have to do is slightly overwhelming. 

Honestly it took me Saturday AND Sunday to clean my daughter's room and closet. NO JOKE. 2 days of intense focus.

That is ridiculous! 

It is partly due to being dirt and trash hoarders, I believe. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no where near those crazy people on tv, but who keeps dried up markers? broken crayons? empty bubble wands? Every McDonald happy meal toy since 2006???WHO DOES THAT?! ME that's who.

So imagine a version of that in each and every room. 

That's what I'm dealing with right now. 

Wish me luck.

My Joy Haiku

Just seeing your face

Is all I need to feel joy.

Your smile warms my heart.

And when you're not here,

I think of you constantly

While passing the time.

'Til you're here again,

My soul reaches out for you

My mind does not rest.

Then I hold you close.

I remember how precious

And joyous you are.

I dream alone

Not even you
Believe in me.
My biggest fan
Yet to be discovered.
And why should you?
Believe, I mean.
I dream alone.
I push alone--
I always have.
And through it all
I've been on top alone.
And my words
And my voice
And my thoughts
And my spirit
Get me through.
Not you.

Delve

Because you asked

I sat there and wrote
Because you asked.
And you spoke while I listened
Because you asked.
I sang and you heard
And I failed
While you laughed.

Again and again
In front of familiar strangers.
I stand.
I open my mouth and fumble--
Why?
Because you asked.
Trust me I'm humbled
And each time it gets harder
But I slap on a smile
Walk up once again
All because you asked.

Delve

Spontaneity

my impulse to write
makes me incredibly late
But it is worth it.

I tap my fingers
to the 5 7 5 beat
and scribble it down.

Then glance at the time.
I've not a minute to waste
Leave now or get axed.