I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Mother Teresa
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action. Mother Teresa
Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home. Mother Teresa
Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand. Mother Teresa
Be careful when you pray for patience, because God will answer that prayer with more opportunities to be patient. Lead Pastor Kimi.
Sometimes I struggle with how much I should type out on this thing. How much I should share. Not knowing who's reading or who knows me on here makes it an ever greater risk that the personal things I type on my blog can be used against me or can be spread as gossip about me. And I struggle with that because like I've gone through so many things, that I've learned so much and have gone through such an interesting journey of faith that I feel called to share the things I've learned. Even though its embarrassing or hurtful. Even though I would rather everyone have this surreal picture of perfection when it comes to my life, I still find myself typing out the most intimate secrets.
A couple of weeks ago marked my 5 year blogging anniversary. 5 years. I've been typing/ recording/ thinking/ babbling/ blundering... for FIVE years.
During that time I underwent so many changes, made so many mistakes, cracked so many jokes, made so many friends.... lost those friends. Shed some tears. Graduated college. Had a baby. Got married. Made a life. Became an SPP mom. Moved away.
And here I sit. Wondering where I'll be in another 5 years. I went from 19 to 24 [i'll be 25 next month] in 5 more years I'll be 30. Will I still be here? On stupidsometimes.com?
Nicknames, like the Infamous that I got as a kid, will they still make sense then? They barely make sense now. Will I change it? Or hold on for "old time's sake?"
Will I still call myself a writer?
Will I still be reading? Following? Commenting?
5 years.
If you'd have talked to me 5 years ago, I would have never thought I'd be a mother, not to mention a wife and a North Carolina resident!
It just goes to show you that the plans God has for us is beyond the scope of our imaginations. It is so much bigger than the plans we have for ourselves. Even the humblest of lives are grander than the trivial expectations of man.
But I do want more, world. I want more education. I want more faith. I want more words. Give them to me; Or let me take them. I am not done. I have yet to reach the pinnacle of my life.
Joshua 14:12 "Now therefore GIVE ME THIS MOUNTAIN..."
If anyone saw the USAvs Slovenija match this morning, you KNOW the major JIPPING that took place! I know this sounds insane, but it put me in such a bad mood that it took hours for me to get over it really.
That referee's horrible judgment and incompetency should be considered a SIN!
Don't know what I'm talking about??!??!?!? You can check it out for yourself ---->here<------ OR you can sit through this completely bias and patriotic description of what happened given by ME.
The US team, discouraged and beaten, are losing 2-0 by half time. Slovenija looks good. I mean really good. Precise. Fast. Smart.
But our men are from the LAND OF THE FREE and the HOME OF THE BRAVE!
USA comes back with the eye of the tiger during the second half and shoot 2 brilliant goals to tie the game. With 5 minutes to spare, the US has a corner kick. The players on both ends are scrambling for the ball. The green team to kick it out of the danger zone; the noble red, white, and blue are focused on scoring. AND THEY DO! The ball flies into the goal; we are AHEAD, and victory is just a minute away.
That is UNTIL the King of Incompetency calls a foul, takes our goal away, and we tie--making our future in the mundial very unsure.... Why the foul? NO REASON!!! See the replays. See the highlights. See the game.
We have been robbed of our win--truly and honestly. Worst call I've ever seen. It was blatant misjudgment.
FIFA should come down on that arbiter with a vengeance.
Did anyone's custom template get totally messed up when blogger unLEASHED its new template designer??!?!!!! Well mine did!!!
And anyone who's been following this blog for any number of months KNOWS how difficult it is for me to choose a template. And just when I get that nifty red one and thought it would be mine forever--Blogger came and snatched it from my grasp, like a thief in the night it came and took my red-wonder away!
And what am I left with?!!?! HUH! This. Just look at it.
I mean I guess its nice.
Its not as busy and apoplectic-seizure inducing as my old one.
I don't know your faith... I can only testify on my own experiences, but I can tell you that I wish to be a beacon. A faith-filled, spirit-guided beacon of Christ love.
I found a true fullness in Spirit in Baton Rouge at my church home with Healing Place Church. And anyone who is wandering in the wilderness, suffering in the valley, for anyone who thinks that God has left him or her, for anyone who feels so sinful that the eternal love of God has excluded him, I urge desperately to check out that website. Check out the online sermons. They are wonderful and a good taste of truth.
But I'm now a THOUSAND miles away and searching.
How many of us are searching? And for what? How many feel lost? How many feel unfulfilled?
I know that I can't do it alone. I need a church community. I need role-models--cuz lemme tell ya a lil secret, cher: I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM SO SINFUL. I CAN BE A TERRIBLE PERSON AT TIMES. I AM IMPATIENT. I AM QUICK TO ANGER. I AM EASILY ANNOYED. and a million other things that I beg with the Lord to help me correct.
I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better woman. Heck I just want to be a better human being.
So what I need is a church. A need community. I need friends. I need it now.
We arrived in NC on Monday. Saturday night we attended a large, well established church. This (sunday) morning we attended Story Church and tonight we met with the Story Church Dream Team for a luau/bbq. And while they are similar in many ways; powerful in many ways, it is the energetic beginning that has drawn us to Story Church. It is the growing need for growth that has us excited to join in.
While meeting with the congregation I noticed that most of them had a common characteristic..... they were new to Christ or new to Church or they had a background in church but wandered away and came back through Story Church. Lee felt an instant connection to that newness. I, on the other hand, felt drawn by the opportunity to connect and grow. I wanted to belong to a church that was young. I feel myself drawn to serving and building deep relationships. I feel like I want to delve into Theology. I want to learn the Word and pass it on.
What does this have to do with anything?
I can only guess that now that I'm in this new place and we're kind of starting a new life, I'm reevaluating everything. I'm reevaluating what I want and expect from my life. And all these words, ideas, and desires are popping into my mind--keeping me up at night.
But Between the promise and the provision is the perfecting time. I have dreams, and God will get me there When I'm ready and am completely capable of glorifying Him once I'm there. He doesn't need my help fulfilling the promises He's made to me. I have to surrender and be patient.
When I was home de
Sunshine seemed like gold.
When I was home de
Sunshine seemed like gold.
Since I come up North de
Whole damn world's turned cold.
I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong.
Yes, I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong,
But this world is weary
An' de road is hard an' long.
I fell in love with
A gal I thought was kind.
Fell in love with
A gal I thought was kind.
She made me lose ma money
An' almost lose ma mind.
Weary, weary,
Weary early in de morn.
Weary, weary,
Early, early in de morn.
I's so weary
I wish I'd never been born.
Lemme Tell You What
by Jillien
That gal of which he speaks, is my car, who has broken down half way through our trip to the new home in NC. That long road of which he speaks, is I-59 which stretches from here to kingdom come. That weary morn of which he speaks, is my mind and my soul who are weary, my loves. And that golden sunshine of which he speaks, shines on my home long sold.
Feels much more painful than me leaving my friend.
Today was another step toward my home no longer feeling like home: Bueno left today, and Baton Rouge lost a bit of friendliness.
Now don't get me wrong... I still have many wonderful friends left here in BR, but all these changes seem easier to handle when it's me leaving them. A city, my life, left in tact. Suspended until I return. On pause, if you will. But today a big part of that illusion was shattered, and it has left me reeling--grasping at air frivolously trying to piece it back together. Today I feel a little lonelier.
But I know that God has big plans for me in NC. Like I'm Joshua and Lee is Caleb, and the Lord has shown us the promise land--a land of milk and honey. Now there are adversities and there are giants in the land, but if we remain faithful, the Lord has promised us eternity.
Through the dusty air
I make out others like me--
Crouching or kneeling
Just trying to take it all in.
The end.
I don't think anyone thought it would be like this...
It was much harder than I anticipated.
The sides more equally matched.
I always thought we'd have the edge,
but looking around...
Everything hurts.
But my mind hurts just a little more than the rest of my body.
And the air is trembling from all the moaning and shrieking--
Some--ghosts of the hours past,
Others in fresh agony.
They are roving beneath us.
I can feel them just under the surface.
Searching...
But my eyes are fixed on one--
Our struggles.
Arrogant.
It is arrogantly tired,
but he's waited a long time for this moment...
And his eyes skim the sky.
Some of us are up there.
They, too, are searching...
I tense my muscles
Just to see how it'll feel.
Not if, but when he makes his move,
And I've got to leap or roll or run or die.
Pride...
That was it, ya know?
It was his pride
That started it all.
Funny thing about pride--
When you suffer from it,
You're often to proud to realize.
There's only him right now.
But with a flap of his black bat wings
He projects, and then there are hundreds
Of struggles.
But I too have something to project,
And I've survived until this moment.
And just my presence can swing the balance.
I'm sure.
I can remember him.
Brightest of all.
Glorious.
The model of beautiful beings.
Pure and strong.
I'm remembering...
And the scorched earth of where I sit
has yet to be created.
The thought not yet entered the consciousness
of the Almighty.
There were only the few.
We knew each other well.
He knows me well--
All of my struggles.
Then I'm back.
And the light of truth is blazing in my eyes.
I've caught his attention.
His vision no longer fixed on the heavens,
But on me.
And slowly I stand,
The voice of God!
And brace myself for the assault,
But before it comes
I project
His song.
Always His song.
And the world stands still.
And the notes pierce through
The shaking air.
And the searching ends.
And the struggles seem...
Much easier to bear
While in the presence of His song--
of His word.
My husband and I attended a service at a local church in Baton Rouge years ago--just out of a whim. We had drifted way off course in our faith, in our relationship, in our lives... and the spirit spoke to us that night when the pastor gave his sermon, which was appropriately named The Drift. It was all about the NEED to remain conscious of where we stand. That if we become lazy, we drift away from the light of God--from the kingdom. Every day should begin with a purposeful repositioning--making sure you're heading Godward.
Well that sermon struck a cord with me even though I was too proud to admit it at the time.
Lee and I have referenced the teachings of that message constantly through the years. But in recent months, through the stresses of this move, I hadn't noticed how far I'd drifted... Yea, I still go to church twice a week, but you would never tell from my attitude, my thoughts, and my actions.
How can I expect God to send grace down onto my life, if I'm not even making a conscious effort to live a pleasing life??? How can I expect goodness and mercy, when I'm so mean and unforgiving? This is not a God directed life.
As I sit here and type, I'm thinking of all of my sins... the ones that are obvious ie: bad attitude, quick to anger, laziness; and the ones that I keep buried down deep. But wanna know what happens when you bury something??? if you bury it and deny it nourishment, it dies. But if you're like me and you bury it in the rich soil of your constant thoughts, feed it regularly with attention, and protect it from destruction by refusing to acknowledge how harmful it is to you... it grows and becomes a tangled mess. Like a labyrinth that you've no way of knowing how to escape. It blocks your path. It blocks your vision. It blocks grace.
My future is too uncertain to further complicate it with a lack of vision. It is time that I do a reckoning. It starts today with right now!
I am feeling stretched to my limits. My patience. My tolerance. My comfort. All under the ultimate test!
This move to North Carolina, in my heart, feels like it is where God is pointing our family. I feel like Lee and I are Joshua and Caleb staring at the promised land--flowing with milk and honey, but of course, there are giants in the land.
What are my giants?
--Unfamiliarity
--Distance from my friends and family
--Having to rely so heavily upon lee and him having to lean just as much on me. It will definitely be a test for our relationship.
When people ask me, "Are you excited?" The one honest response I can give them is, "The ONLY thing I'm excited about is having a home again."
For the past 3 1/2 years I've been a stay at home mom and loved every second of it. What is coming up for me in NC? Lee and I have been talking about me applying for jobs full-time, and I have to admit, it's terrifying! I have my degree in English, but that is not a big money-maker, lemme just tell ya! So what else is there out there for me to do?
So many questions are laid out before me. And even my imagination is being stretched.
Well, I came to a decision last night at 9:30PM when Lee and I finally made it on the road back to New Orleans from Baton Rouge....
I'm going to search for the kingdom. I'm going to pursue only the grace of God, and in my search for Him, I am confident that everything else will fall into place. (Well to be honest--confident is a strong word considering how insecure I am about it all. But, hey! Gotta fake it till you make it, right!!?!??!?)
