Well that happened to me last night, and I was forced to admit that I had been behaving very unmercifully.
Several months ago I had a falling out with someone very close to me, and i felt betrayed more than I ever had in my entire life. My heart was turned to ice toward this individual. The lies she spewed... the hateful words she screeched at me... the accusations she made of me... all together were unforgettable. they were enough to damage a sister-like, 25-year relationship.
This argument had me in the deepest of depressions for DAYS. It had me reevaluating every aspect of my character, my aptitude at being a mother, my relationships with my friends and family members. She attacked my character and shook my life terribly.
But eventually I worked through my hurt and resolved that I had forgiven her, even though she hadn't asked for forgiveness... I accepted that I would not allow her back in my life the way she had been, but honestly thought, I was being such a good Christian for forgiving her.
Well I saw her this past weekend at a children's party we both attended, and instead of feeling forgiving and peaceful, I felt ANGER, anxiety, annoyance..... There was no forgiveness in my heart. I didn't behave like a person who had moved on. I behaved like a person still very hung up on what had happened.
During this party, someone even tried to force us to hug and make-up... Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and juvenile. PLUS I didn't want to hug her. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to make-up. I didn't even want to speak or look at her.
She recently sent me a note on facebook, wishing me luck on my move and telling me that she still loved me. What did I respond???!?! "Thank you."
--that was it.
How very Christian-like of me right???!!!
Well I didn't realize any of this. I didn't realize how unmerciful I was being until it was highlighted in last night's sermon. I didn't see how unforgiving I was being until the preacher showcased it with the Word!
So where do I go from here? I guess just acknowledging that my heart needs to be softened is a good starting place. But she'll never be able to take back what she did. And I can't see myself letting her back into my life or into my daughter's life. That chapter is closed. But forgiveness doesn't mean making things the way they were. Forgiveness is a state of being. It's an attitude toward a person or situation, and it's freaking difficult. But I have to do it because if I don't, how could I ask for the forgiveness of others?