Friday, January 29, 2010


Ever hear a sermon that you swore was written just for you ?!?! 

Well that happened to me last night, and I was forced to admit that I had been behaving very unmercifully. 

Several months ago I had a falling out with someone very close to me, and i felt betrayed more than I ever had in my entire life. My heart was turned to ice toward this individual. The lies she spewed... the hateful words she screeched at me... the accusations she made of me... all together were unforgettable. they were enough to damage a sister-like, 25-year relationship.

This argument had me in the deepest of depressions for DAYS. It had me reevaluating every aspect of my character, my aptitude at being a mother, my relationships with my friends and family members. She attacked my character and shook my life terribly.

But eventually I worked through my hurt  and resolved that I had forgiven her, even though she hadn't asked for forgiveness... I accepted that I would not allow her back in my life the way she had been, but honestly thought, I was being such a good Christian for forgiving her.

Well I saw her this past weekend at a children's party we both attended, and instead of feeling forgiving and peaceful, I felt ANGER, anxiety, annoyance..... There was no forgiveness in my heart. I didn't behave like a person who had moved on. I behaved like a person still very hung up on what had happened. 

During this party, someone even tried to force us to hug and make-up... Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and juvenile. PLUS I didn't want to hug her. I wanted to go home.  I didn't want to make-up. I didn't even want to speak or look at her. 

She recently sent me a note on facebook, wishing me luck on my move and telling me that she still loved me. What did I respond???!?! "Thank you."
--that was it.

How very Christian-like of me right???!!! 

Well I didn't realize any of this. I didn't realize how unmerciful I was being until it was highlighted in last night's sermon. I didn't see how unforgiving I was being until the preacher showcased it with the Word!   

So where do I go from here? I guess just acknowledging that my heart needs to be softened is a good starting place.  But she'll never be able to take back what she did. And I can't see myself letting her back into my life or into my daughter's life. That chapter is closed. But forgiveness doesn't mean making things the way they were. Forgiveness is a state of being. It's an attitude toward a person or situation, and it's freaking difficult. But I have to do it because if I don't, how could I ask for the forgiveness of others? 


  1. I think you're so right that forgiveness is a state of being. Even if there is no chance for a real relationship with this former friend, it would be good for you to let go the hurt some way. I know it must be hard to do. We can't help it when our feelings have been damaged. It's hard to shelve all that pain away. I think you're taking the first steps, through your faith, to find a way out of these feelings.

  2. You're right -- forgiveness is a path we take. We don't reach the destination in a split second; we take a step every day, in faith.

    I love your honesty.

  3. I think forgiving is the hardest thing. And the hurts we carry, well they can just be so deep. I am glad the sermon spoke to you.

    Thank you for your lovely comment about my post today! I almost didn't post it because I thought the pictures were inferior.

  4. so why is it when someone else does something you are supposed to move on like it never happened when if the shoe were on the other foot, you know it wouldn't be the same??! I say let it ride the way you have been and in time, there will be true forgiveness at which point that person can admit the wrong they have done to you!


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