Just a passing thought

On nights like this
When sleep eludes me,
When rest scoffs at me,
When peace seeps away
Like a fading mist,
I think of you.

I think of the past
And made-up futures--
Futures so crisp
Yet so impossible
Its hard to breathe;
All this--when I think of you.

I wonder where it all went wrong
And try to convince myself
That it all turned out right.
Then try to smile when I look around
And try to not cry cuz I can't get out
When I think of you.

I think of my racing heart
And my sweaty hands
And my blubbering words
And my expectant glances
With your cool responses
And detached expressions

I think of my mistakes
Of my too-few right decisions
Of my steps away
And of my fumbles toward
Of my willingness to return
But my need to be good.

I think of where I am now
And where I'll be
And where I was
And who I'll see
When I go back
Or if I'll ever go back...

Delve

2 COR 12 5-10

A year ago I visited this verse. And  I sit here tonight thinking about it again. but this time I'm focusing on just the first bit:

⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 


I honestly feel like I've adopted this into my life, and I really do try to only boast about my weaknesses--even to the point of being slightly self-deprecating. But I've run across a couple of people in my life who enjoy patronizing... who enjoy making "fun"... who enjoy feeling like they got it right, and to tell you the truth it is TICKING ME OFF.


If I were to run my mouth about myself or my family, I would be no fool and could run it for a while without exaggerating the truth one bit, and when faced with these types of people it almost pushes me to do so.


Ever meet someone or a couple of someones who always have the snappy remark or the rolling of the eyes or the facetious "Yeeaaahh ooookaaay...."? As a Christian you wonder, how do I deal with this!?  Its so passive. Nothing outright rude--just little subtle jabs.  I feel like I would rather people be agressive about their feelings and spew it on out so I can handle it with equal force than the gnawing agitation that passive agressive people make me feel.


Although not in the same context this is what it makes me think of:


Revelation 3:16 (New King James Version)

¹⁶ So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.


Can I get an AMEN!?


Out with it! Your lukewarm-ness disgusts me. And what's worse is that it comes from within. It comes from one's mind and heart... the genuine feeling that the other person is an idiot, or is not as "good" as I am--and when I say good I mean in a moral sense... I'm just such a GOOD person that I would have never said or done or felt that, or didn't do something the Right way, which of course had I done it.... it would have been the right way.


Now don't get me wrong. I can be like this too sometimes, and I'm sure I've been this "lukewarm" person to someone. And because I don't want anyone to think more of me than is warranted, I'll just say this prayer:


"Lord, help my heart. It is not enough to hold one's tongue, but to wipe the ugly thoughts out of one's very MIND, Lord. Aid me in my struggle to be a beacon of your love so that no one, my family, friends, strangers, co-workers will ever feel this way because of my words or my behaviors or my thoughts toward them. 


In your mighty name I pray!"

The night before

The night before it all happens.
The smells,
The laughs,
The words...
I can't sleep with the very pulse of it all
bursting through the
Anticipatory air.

Delved

Until it pours again...

It pours on me
sometimes.
The skies open...
on purpose, I'm convinced.
And I'm gasping for a single breath
without choking on it all.
And the drops pelt every inch of me.
Until I can not bear another sensation
On my skin.
I feel like clawing at my body with the very
maddening nature of it all.
Then with an almost audible snap
it shuts.
I dry slowly with time,
Then just to be cruel--
am not given a single drop more--
till my dryness is slightly uncomfortable.
Then nearly unbearable.
Where all my skin feels chapped.
And I imagine that all of it will chip away.
And I'm completely stagnant
Not wanting to move for fear of drying out further.
It's then that I think of you.

Delve

YIKES!

Its been almost a month since I've had something to say. How does life just fly away from you like that?

I've been studying Esther with a group of women from our Church.  Its been a pretty amazing ride, although I do feel some added pressure in its success as a group considering that I'm the "group leader" for this session and its being held at my house. Lately we've had some low numbers and I can't help but wonder if it is because of the study I chose or my style of leading the study. I hope that I can maintain an engaging spirit and add some depth to a short but powerful book in the bible.

I'm still singing worship, although each time I go up there I feel more embarrassed than the time before. I feel every mistake and ill-prepared vocal.  But imagine if I can't find time to write (which is my passion) then how can I sit long enough to rehearse.  I pray so desperately when I'm on stage for the holy Spirit to just take over and let Him move the souls of the congregation because relying on my vocals and preparation sure as heck won't be enough.

I'm still working hard as an insurance agent. I spend the majority of my awake hours there, and I wonder how in the WORLD am I going to keep this up? How am I going to continue with the stress of trying to be successful at marketing and sales. How am I going to continue with the time away from my daughter? How am I going to continue getting up early and having to dress up in suit and heels and do my hair and make up every darn day of my life?! But then its Monday again, and I get in my routine, and I power through it somehow... Just yearning for the weekend.

Friday I leave for a women's conference called Women of Faith.  And while I am excited,  I've also been thinking "here's another thing I've decided to do and another day away from my daughter." When am I going to just focus on her? I feel like its been so long since I've devoted myself entirely to my family. In Louisiana I had so many distractions from my family that it was starting to rip us apart. Now I'm working to sustain my family and to help my husband with the burden of our finances. I'm participating in Church because I love God and hunger to soak up his Spirit. And even these things, which I do with the best of intentions, consume my time and attention.  I want to be a better mother. I just don't know how.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 139 characters)

While it took a little longer than expected

The wait was finally over!

Standing there

Until the last person left the train

He never showed.

The Happy Story
(in 141 characters)

Well its not exactly the train to Hogwarts
But it was her train to destiny
After 60 years of serving the world
The world would now serve her.

hosted by: stony river

Take this TEST!!!!

I don't do too many quizzes but hONESTLY this was uncanny!

Take it and share your results! its incredible!!

CLICK ME TO TAKE THE TEST!
Here's my personality description:

Performers have the special ability, even among the Artisans, to delight those around them with their warmth, their good humor, and with their often extraordinary skills in music, comedy, and drama. Whether on the job, with friends, or with their families, Performers are exciting and full of fun, and their great social interest lies in stimulating those around them to take a break from work and worry, to lighten up and enjoy life.
Performers are plentiful, something over ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate, because they bring pleasure to so many of us. Performers are the people for whom it can truly be said "all the world's a stage." Born entertainers, they love the excitement of playing to an audience, and will quickly become the center of attention wherever they are. Performers aren't comfortable being alone, and seek the company of others whenever possible-which they usually find, for they make wonderful playmates. Performers are smooth, talkative, and witty; they always seem to know the latest jokes and stories, and are quick with wisecracks and wordplay-nothing is so serious or sacred that it can't be made fun of. Performers also like to live in the fast lane, and seem up on the latest fashions of dress, food, drink, and music. Lively and uninhibited, Performers are the life of the party, always trying to create in those around them a mood of eat, drink, and be merry.

The Performers' talent for enjoying life is healthy for the most part, though it also makes them more subject to temptations than the other types. Pleasure seems to be an end in itself for them, and variety is the spice of life. And so Performers are open to trying almost anything that promises them a good time, not always giving enough thought to the consequences.
Like the other Artisans, Performers are incurably optimistic - "Always look on the bright side," is their motto - and they will avoid worries and troubles by ignoring them as long as possible. They are also the most generous of all the types, and second only to the Composer Artisans [ISFPs] in kindness. Performers haven't a mean or stingy bone in their body-what's theirs is yours-and they seem to have little idea of saving or conserving. They give what they have to one and all without expectation of reward, just as they love freely, and without expecting anything in return. In so many ways, Performers view life as an eternal cornucopia from which flows an endless supply of pleasures.
Elizabeth Taylor, John Goodman, Marylin Monroe, Judy Garland, Magic Johnson, Pablo Picasso, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Elvis, and Leonard Bernstein are examples of Performer Artisans.click me!

pain!!

my gum pain is so excruciating right now I can barely breathe.

It is inflamed on one section... but it came out of NOWHERE. like what in the world! I've never had a toothache/gum/mouth ache nOTHING. and I feel like pulling the teeth out of my head if that would alleviate the pain.

I feel the pain all the way up my mouth by my nose, in my ears, and on my pallat...of course not mentioning the ACTUAL spot on my gums that hurts like the dickens.

I've tried the tea bags, and the warm salt water, and the ambesol, and the floss and massaging with the toothbrush.

Here's what I do know!

Do NOT massage.

Do NOT do the salt water (it makes it worse)

Take LOTS OF ibuprofen!!

Gargle Listerine....

The tea bags feel okay because of the pressure but when you take them off, your mouth is worse than it was before and you want to die.

I need some supernatural healing right now.

Missing

I didn't know it was missing
Until it had returned,
And then I was insatiable.

Living in dual minds
Trying to imagine what it would be like
While unable to imagine life any other way.

Delve

Praise and Worship

If you've been reading my blog for any given time you know how much I love to perform.

Singing and performing revolutionized my life as an obnoxious, exuberant teen, and it defined me as an adult in college. I finally found something that I could do. I had a voice---a voice that was all my own.

After college, I auditioned for the Baton Rouge Symphony Orchestra and spent 2 amazing years learning opera choruses and really stretching myself as an educated singer. I met my best friend in BRSO, and looking back I think it will be one of my most beautiful memories.

Now, I sing worship at our church on select Sundays, and I'm singing contemporary Christian music and am learning a whole new type of singing. One that requires not only good singing instincts but singing smarts.  I got by in BRSO with my ability to anticipate the music and to hear my fellow Second Sopranos when I needed to find the right key... But singing worship is different. I realize that I don't have the smarts that I'll need to be more of an asset and less of a hassle.

But I have to admit, I love it. I love the band and especially our worship leader. He's patient, talented, level-headed, and easy-going. All the traits necessary for singing along side me week after week. On stage we're the only two voices. Just he and I. No other second sopranos to feed off of or to pick up on the key changes. And while I'm not as good a "harmonizer" as I hope to one day be, I have received enough feedback to realize that we sound good together. It is one of the highest compliments anyone could pay me. See I left my ego in college. In BRSO it was all about being one beautiful cohesive voice. And to feel like I achieve that during worship is a dream.

While I know there is much progress to be made, I just enjoy knowing that my voice melds with his. That through our voices the Spirit of the Lord penetrates the people of Story Church. That my voice isn't abrasive or a distraction from the Holy Spirit working in the hearts of our congregation.

"I cannot sing like someone else. I can only sing like I sing."
--jm

Heart racing
I sit
impatiently.
Waiting to hear
what you thought
of someone else.

Delve

My daughter's birthday

In less than a month, my daughter turns 4.

Four years! and in those four years plus the 40 weeks leading up to that day, my life flipped around and spun around and twisted and transformed.

And time has moved away from me so quickly, I'm left reeling. I can't believe yet another year has passed. Last year Lia had 3 separate birthday celebrations--an abundance of friends and cake and laughter.

So am I going to go through a huge ordeal for her 4th birthday? Her friends are 1000+ miles away. Her family is 500-1000+.

TOTALLY I AM!

Why?

Because it is her birthday, and if anyone remembers that day it's ME for sure. I will celebrate her life. I will try to make it as special as possible, because on that day God changed my life forever. On that day, one i can never forget, I was blessed with Lia.

ITs more a celebration forme than for her.... although I do want her to enjoy :)

My cryptic words

So I called for inspiration and I've spoken in nothing but prose for weeks lol.

Cacophony

I only heard a bit.
A wee bit,
Which definitely showed
You were trying.

But you will hear me.
My voice will trill with praise.
And at the soul--
At the very pit, you will hear God.

7 AM

Seven AM Thoughts.
Rushing,
Hungry Thoughts.
Excited,
Nervous Thoughts
At seven AM.

Laid in bed and watched the sun grow bright.
Remembered my dreams
That consumed my night
All these feelings and faces and bodies
Fill my seven AM thoughts.

Then with some simple taps
I preserve this day
Like a jar of apple butter
Sweet and tantalizing and
Not-too-good-for-you
I store my seven AM thoughts.

Delve

Take A Seat

I sit down...
Some more
With feet aching.
This is a different type of sitting.
This is leisurely sitting...
A sitting filled with depth and longing.
A sitting calmed with rhythmic breathing.
A sitting with eyes closed.
I'm waiting
For the words.
Only words.
No calls
Or orders
Or goals
Or expectations
This sitting is my sitting.
I hum.
And the familiar voice is echoed through my ears and mind
I know this voice and I quickly shut it off
wishing not to make a sound.
I want my body entirely silent.
Just sitting.
This is where I feel my best.
Not on a beach with the bright sun crisping my skin.
Not on a boat ride bouncing on the choppy waves.
But in my room
Darkened room
With no sounds.
Only words.
Silent words.
Oh,
and Sitting, of course.

Exasperation

Its that feeling, ya know?
When the words that shouldn't be said
Blurt out.
When the thoughts that shouldn't be thought
Fumble themselves out your mouth.
Its this feeling I get after every occasion,
After every visit,
After every conversation.
And its because you're new to me.
Its because I'm new to you.
Its because I'm my own harshest critic.
Its because I feel a constant burden to be a beacon of God's love,
Whilst being sinful,
While being flawed.
While being myself and liking who I am
Yet being ashamed of how I feel
Or what I've done.
Or what I said
Or for how I made you feel
Or how I think I made you feel.
And this is all I feel
Every Time
I speak.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

This black mountain

was ferociously loud.
Without food, water
People or love

The fight had left him.
He braced himself for
Its dark embrace.

hosted by: Stony River @www.stoneyriver.ie

Is it terrible?????

Is it terrible to acknowledge when a baby isn't cute??

Do all babies have to be called cute?  Its like an unspoken rule....

I know the old saying "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."  And I totally believe that. But in reality... there must be some uncute babies out there right?

I See God There: Ode to Kimi C

In your smooth west-coast flair
I see God there.
And as you gently ripple through the thrashing waves
And lead the women through example and grace,
I see God there.
It is your constant support of a man much burdened,
That allows a whole people to become closer to salvation
That much closer to the LORD.
And it is in that love that I see God.
And to me even closer still.
You've blessed and cared
For that most precious to me.
You stepped in, when I was forced to step out,
And I see God there too.