Winded

The wind
The roaring wind
An oceanic wind outside my window.
Bending limbs with its might--
Attacking the buds of infant flowers.
It's true, dearest tempest,
That I love thee.

Delve

I spoke

What it was I couldn't even begin to tell you, but when I say that I didn't want to talk--I'm being sincere. Not this flaky, "I don't wanna talk about it" kind of thing, but of the most basic conversational level. I had nothing to say. Every word of mine in response to someone else was scrutinized with such intensity that I would let it just evaporate into nothingness--- simply not reply. My usual social butterfly self has been a recluse and a mute as of late.

But something happened last night--I spoke. for 2 hours. to my friend. and I needed it.

And although I don't feel at 100%, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to realize how rude I may have been behaving toward my friends. And they deserve my replies....

Let me just say how incredibly RUDE I think it is to send someone an email or leave him/her a voicemail to not receive a single acknowledgment that it was even read or heard. I do NOT want to be that person, but I found myself slipping into that just out of indifference.

No more. I cannot allow myself to be that type of person, and I have been to so many. Texts never answered, emails never replied, calls never returned. I hope my friends will forgive me for my silence.


*****I wrote this about two weeks ago, and the fact that I'm just now publishing it goes to show how recluse I've become************

My last shot

This is my last chance to speak in February, and I would hate to let the day go by.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

"See what I mean, Cap'n Ahab?"

"Not sure I understand what I'm looking at, old Starbuck, but you think

this is how the fish got so white?"

hosted by Stony River

Solace

My God,
I sit tonight
As I write,
But in my soul
I kneel--
I bow down
and beg
For peace.

Is it a sign, Lord?
A sign that things are
Only skin deep.

Even the songs on the radio
Are wrong--
All pointing downward
Backward
And around.

Of course the valleys are there
To bring us to yet another mountain,
But all my mountains must be
Valleys in your eyes....
Are all your mountains valleys in mine?

delve

My lunch Hour

[I currently have 8 minutes to finish this post and get on the road to make it to work by 12:30---to continue my day until who knows what time tonight---to bring home the bacon, etc]

I've been a working mother now 7 months. I eat less vegetables.

I spend more time with my co-workers than with anyone else, including my daughter and husband.

I feel more comfortable in our finances, and feel happiness with the fact that financially we're not in a hole (anymore).

I have 1 hour to eat.

I don't work out at the gym. Nothing. No exercise except for the 50 squats I secretly do when I wake up or if I skip the morning, before I go to sleep.  These 50 squats do nothing but help me pretend like my butt isn't sagging from endless hours of sitting at a desk.

I try to write.

I try to think.

I try to read.

I try to be patient with my family.

I try to be a better woman.

I sometimes do not succeed, and sometimes I do.

JM

Out With It

I know I must have missed this
Had I been thinking about it at all,
That is.

I probably have been yearning for this
Had I just remembered I loved it so much,
Or even a little.

I should have tried to recapture this
Had I attempted to grasp anything of my past,
Or of my present.

------------------------------------------------------------

Determined

The clock is ticking down the seconds--
Throwing them in with the rest--
Eternal waste basket of used time.

My mind is focused on being calm,
Although each tick is like a powerful
drum controlling the rhythm of my heart.

I will myself patience and confidence.
I attempt double-think--trying to trick myself
That I can do this and while not probable, definitely possible.

JM

One Act One Scene Play: The Toot

[Father and daughter sitting together while eating dinner]

FART!

Daughter: I don't know what that sound was daddy. I think it was either a butterfly or a dragon.



The end.

Another Saturday night

Tonight is another saturday night at home. No friends hanging out at the crib. No phone calls. No laughing. No shopping buddies. No karaoke.  No movies and arbor mist. No "lets get our nails did." No "is there a good concert tonight?" No "lets go down town" No "geezum I'm so hungry. What do you wanna eat after church tomorrow?"

Nothing. Just me and the computer and wondering if God will send me a soul-mate friend. 

I don't often bring it up, but I miss my friend Bueno so much on nights like this.  I'm really starting to realize how she must have felt when she moved to BR without really knowing anyone. The loneliness and isolation. She was so brave to have stuck it out on her own.  

I hope that I can be as brave because right now I'm not feeling very strong.  

I know this sounds terrible, but I've never been Jillien the wife and mother. I've always been Jillien who happens to also be a wife and mother. I miss just being myself sometimes. I feel consumed with responsibility and no outlet to just be ME.  There are some women who are so amalgamated with their womanly roles that they feel totally complete in them, but me without friends or at least someone to share with is becoming overwhelming.

While I knew that coming here was going to bring me closer to my family because we were to rely on each other so much more than ever before, I never could have imagined how suffocating it would feel after a while.

I love my daughter and husband with all of my heart and hope that this is just a fleeting emotion. Just a little hurtle in a long stretch of contentment. That God will put me in the right place at the right time and help me to connect. 

One Act One Scene Play (its been a while since I've done one of these)

[Wife and Husband at home. Two rooms on stage separated by a partition. Stage left is a bedroom where Wife is laying reading a book. Stage right is a living room where Husband is watching tv.]


Wife: Husband,  Can you come in here for a moment??

[Husband gets up from couch and walks toward stage left to the room. He hangs between center stage for a moment just looking in the room. Wife is reading yet another romance novel. The hunky half-nude man on the cover is the DEAD-GIVEAWAY of this.]

Husband: Ugh, I hate when you read those books.... you fantasize about me too much afterward.

[Wife cracks up laughing with its absurdity.]


The end.

drama

Just a passing thought

On nights like this
When sleep eludes me,
When rest scoffs at me,
When peace seeps away
Like a fading mist,
I think of you.

I think of the past
And made-up futures--
Futures so crisp
Yet so impossible
Its hard to breathe;
All this--when I think of you.

I wonder where it all went wrong
And try to convince myself
That it all turned out right.
Then try to smile when I look around
And try to not cry cuz I can't get out
When I think of you.

I think of my racing heart
And my sweaty hands
And my blubbering words
And my expectant glances
With your cool responses
And detached expressions

I think of my mistakes
Of my too-few right decisions
Of my steps away
And of my fumbles toward
Of my willingness to return
But my need to be good.

I think of where I am now
And where I'll be
And where I was
And who I'll see
When I go back
Or if I'll ever go back...

Delve

2 COR 12 5-10

A year ago I visited this verse. And  I sit here tonight thinking about it again. but this time I'm focusing on just the first bit:

⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 


I honestly feel like I've adopted this into my life, and I really do try to only boast about my weaknesses--even to the point of being slightly self-deprecating. But I've run across a couple of people in my life who enjoy patronizing... who enjoy making "fun"... who enjoy feeling like they got it right, and to tell you the truth it is TICKING ME OFF.


If I were to run my mouth about myself or my family, I would be no fool and could run it for a while without exaggerating the truth one bit, and when faced with these types of people it almost pushes me to do so.


Ever meet someone or a couple of someones who always have the snappy remark or the rolling of the eyes or the facetious "Yeeaaahh ooookaaay...."? As a Christian you wonder, how do I deal with this!?  Its so passive. Nothing outright rude--just little subtle jabs.  I feel like I would rather people be agressive about their feelings and spew it on out so I can handle it with equal force than the gnawing agitation that passive agressive people make me feel.


Although not in the same context this is what it makes me think of:


Revelation 3:16 (New King James Version)

¹⁶ So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.


Can I get an AMEN!?


Out with it! Your lukewarm-ness disgusts me. And what's worse is that it comes from within. It comes from one's mind and heart... the genuine feeling that the other person is an idiot, or is not as "good" as I am--and when I say good I mean in a moral sense... I'm just such a GOOD person that I would have never said or done or felt that, or didn't do something the Right way, which of course had I done it.... it would have been the right way.


Now don't get me wrong. I can be like this too sometimes, and I'm sure I've been this "lukewarm" person to someone. And because I don't want anyone to think more of me than is warranted, I'll just say this prayer:


"Lord, help my heart. It is not enough to hold one's tongue, but to wipe the ugly thoughts out of one's very MIND, Lord. Aid me in my struggle to be a beacon of your love so that no one, my family, friends, strangers, co-workers will ever feel this way because of my words or my behaviors or my thoughts toward them. 


In your mighty name I pray!"

The night before

The night before it all happens.
The smells,
The laughs,
The words...
I can't sleep with the very pulse of it all
bursting through the
Anticipatory air.

Delved

Until it pours again...

It pours on me
sometimes.
The skies open...
on purpose, I'm convinced.
And I'm gasping for a single breath
without choking on it all.
And the drops pelt every inch of me.
Until I can not bear another sensation
On my skin.
I feel like clawing at my body with the very
maddening nature of it all.
Then with an almost audible snap
it shuts.
I dry slowly with time,
Then just to be cruel--
am not given a single drop more--
till my dryness is slightly uncomfortable.
Then nearly unbearable.
Where all my skin feels chapped.
And I imagine that all of it will chip away.
And I'm completely stagnant
Not wanting to move for fear of drying out further.
It's then that I think of you.

Delve

YIKES!

Its been almost a month since I've had something to say. How does life just fly away from you like that?

I've been studying Esther with a group of women from our Church.  Its been a pretty amazing ride, although I do feel some added pressure in its success as a group considering that I'm the "group leader" for this session and its being held at my house. Lately we've had some low numbers and I can't help but wonder if it is because of the study I chose or my style of leading the study. I hope that I can maintain an engaging spirit and add some depth to a short but powerful book in the bible.

I'm still singing worship, although each time I go up there I feel more embarrassed than the time before. I feel every mistake and ill-prepared vocal.  But imagine if I can't find time to write (which is my passion) then how can I sit long enough to rehearse.  I pray so desperately when I'm on stage for the holy Spirit to just take over and let Him move the souls of the congregation because relying on my vocals and preparation sure as heck won't be enough.

I'm still working hard as an insurance agent. I spend the majority of my awake hours there, and I wonder how in the WORLD am I going to keep this up? How am I going to continue with the stress of trying to be successful at marketing and sales. How am I going to continue with the time away from my daughter? How am I going to continue getting up early and having to dress up in suit and heels and do my hair and make up every darn day of my life?! But then its Monday again, and I get in my routine, and I power through it somehow... Just yearning for the weekend.

Friday I leave for a women's conference called Women of Faith.  And while I am excited,  I've also been thinking "here's another thing I've decided to do and another day away from my daughter." When am I going to just focus on her? I feel like its been so long since I've devoted myself entirely to my family. In Louisiana I had so many distractions from my family that it was starting to rip us apart. Now I'm working to sustain my family and to help my husband with the burden of our finances. I'm participating in Church because I love God and hunger to soak up his Spirit. And even these things, which I do with the best of intentions, consume my time and attention.  I want to be a better mother. I just don't know how.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 139 characters)

While it took a little longer than expected

The wait was finally over!

Standing there

Until the last person left the train

He never showed.

The Happy Story
(in 141 characters)

Well its not exactly the train to Hogwarts
But it was her train to destiny
After 60 years of serving the world
The world would now serve her.

hosted by: stony river

Take this TEST!!!!

I don't do too many quizzes but hONESTLY this was uncanny!

Take it and share your results! its incredible!!

CLICK ME TO TAKE THE TEST!
Here's my personality description:

Performers have the special ability, even among the Artisans, to delight those around them with their warmth, their good humor, and with their often extraordinary skills in music, comedy, and drama. Whether on the job, with friends, or with their families, Performers are exciting and full of fun, and their great social interest lies in stimulating those around them to take a break from work and worry, to lighten up and enjoy life.
Performers are plentiful, something over ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate, because they bring pleasure to so many of us. Performers are the people for whom it can truly be said "all the world's a stage." Born entertainers, they love the excitement of playing to an audience, and will quickly become the center of attention wherever they are. Performers aren't comfortable being alone, and seek the company of others whenever possible-which they usually find, for they make wonderful playmates. Performers are smooth, talkative, and witty; they always seem to know the latest jokes and stories, and are quick with wisecracks and wordplay-nothing is so serious or sacred that it can't be made fun of. Performers also like to live in the fast lane, and seem up on the latest fashions of dress, food, drink, and music. Lively and uninhibited, Performers are the life of the party, always trying to create in those around them a mood of eat, drink, and be merry.

The Performers' talent for enjoying life is healthy for the most part, though it also makes them more subject to temptations than the other types. Pleasure seems to be an end in itself for them, and variety is the spice of life. And so Performers are open to trying almost anything that promises them a good time, not always giving enough thought to the consequences.
Like the other Artisans, Performers are incurably optimistic - "Always look on the bright side," is their motto - and they will avoid worries and troubles by ignoring them as long as possible. They are also the most generous of all the types, and second only to the Composer Artisans [ISFPs] in kindness. Performers haven't a mean or stingy bone in their body-what's theirs is yours-and they seem to have little idea of saving or conserving. They give what they have to one and all without expectation of reward, just as they love freely, and without expecting anything in return. In so many ways, Performers view life as an eternal cornucopia from which flows an endless supply of pleasures.
Elizabeth Taylor, John Goodman, Marylin Monroe, Judy Garland, Magic Johnson, Pablo Picasso, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Elvis, and Leonard Bernstein are examples of Performer Artisans.click me!

pain!!

my gum pain is so excruciating right now I can barely breathe.

It is inflamed on one section... but it came out of NOWHERE. like what in the world! I've never had a toothache/gum/mouth ache nOTHING. and I feel like pulling the teeth out of my head if that would alleviate the pain.

I feel the pain all the way up my mouth by my nose, in my ears, and on my pallat...of course not mentioning the ACTUAL spot on my gums that hurts like the dickens.

I've tried the tea bags, and the warm salt water, and the ambesol, and the floss and massaging with the toothbrush.

Here's what I do know!

Do NOT massage.

Do NOT do the salt water (it makes it worse)

Take LOTS OF ibuprofen!!

Gargle Listerine....

The tea bags feel okay because of the pressure but when you take them off, your mouth is worse than it was before and you want to die.

I need some supernatural healing right now.

Missing

I didn't know it was missing
Until it had returned,
And then I was insatiable.

Living in dual minds
Trying to imagine what it would be like
While unable to imagine life any other way.

Delve