Sunday Citar

"People are beginning again to realize that they encounter God through human experience, not despite it." D.B., (Forward to the Book of Proverbs in the New American Bible--Catholic Study edition)

God is in Haiti. It is not His will for tragedies to occur, but it is in His will to bring glory and salvation through the tragedy. It is incredible how many people have come to realize the grace of God because of this horrible earthquake, and even us here in the States and around the world, although not directly hit by the quake, were definitely rocked and shaken by the destruction.  I bet mothers all around the globe hugged their children just a little tighter during the days after the earthquake....

Don't let me let go

I remember being a kid.
Young and vibrant
Goofy and empowered
You're-not-the-boss-of-me attitude.

I remember being a kid.
Insecure and alone
Observant and severe
All-I've-got-is-my-writing mentality.

I remember being a kid
Lost in a big world
Warm hugs from my grandma
Please-just-love-me need.

I do remember being a kid.
And all the painful moments.
And some of the laughs.
And definitely all the crushes.
But more so the rejections.
The good grades and the bad ones.
The friends
And the rivals.
I remember them all on nights like this
When my mind is drowsy.
And I'm all alone.

Forgiveness

Ever hear a sermon that you swore was written just for you ?!?! 

Well that happened to me last night, and I was forced to admit that I had been behaving very unmercifully. 

Several months ago I had a falling out with someone very close to me, and i felt betrayed more than I ever had in my entire life. My heart was turned to ice toward this individual. The lies she spewed... the hateful words she screeched at me... the accusations she made of me... all together were unforgettable. they were enough to damage a sister-like, 25-year relationship.

This argument had me in the deepest of depressions for DAYS. It had me reevaluating every aspect of my character, my aptitude at being a mother, my relationships with my friends and family members. She attacked my character and shook my life terribly.

But eventually I worked through my hurt  and resolved that I had forgiven her, even though she hadn't asked for forgiveness... I accepted that I would not allow her back in my life the way she had been, but honestly thought, I was being such a good Christian for forgiving her.

Well I saw her this past weekend at a children's party we both attended, and instead of feeling forgiving and peaceful, I felt ANGER, anxiety, annoyance..... There was no forgiveness in my heart. I didn't behave like a person who had moved on. I behaved like a person still very hung up on what had happened. 

During this party, someone even tried to force us to hug and make-up... Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and juvenile. PLUS I didn't want to hug her. I wanted to go home.  I didn't want to make-up. I didn't even want to speak or look at her. 

She recently sent me a note on facebook, wishing me luck on my move and telling me that she still loved me. What did I respond???!?! "Thank you."

--that was it.

How very Christian-like of me right???!!! 

Well I didn't realize any of this. I didn't realize how unmerciful I was being until it was highlighted in last night's sermon. I didn't see how unforgiving I was being until the preacher showcased it with the Word!   

So where do I go from here? I guess just acknowledging that my heart needs to be softened is a good starting place.  But she'll never be able to take back what she did. And I can't see myself letting her back into my life or into my daughter's life. That chapter is closed. But forgiveness doesn't mean making things the way they were. Forgiveness is a state of being. It's an attitude toward a person or situation, and it's freaking difficult. But I have to do it because if I don't, how could I ask for the forgiveness of others? 

when i'm not feeling very motherly....

I listen to this song... It literally makes me cry every time I listen to it, and it reminds me that my daughter's life is precious and that God entrusted an angel to my care, and if i were to  ever lose her... well i wouldn't be writing worship songs--but that is exactly what this Contemporary Christian music singer did...


To read more about his tragic story and the worship music that has come from this terrible accident Click on this article from CNN.com

ARTICLE CLICK HERE!<-------- 

Haiku! You know it!

Theme of the Week: Changes

I've written it all!

Exhausted the theme of change

What's there left to say?

I'm going away.

I am buying a new house.

I am uprooting.

It will be diff'rent.

I will be forever ME

But in a new place.

I will laugh loudly.

I will sing obnoxiously

I will love the same.

I will eat salad

With my fingers--as always

Because I'm classy :)

Same ol' Jillien

Just closer to the East Coast

And farther from Home.

My Musical Monday

You guessed it.... CARNEY ! I cannot miss an opportunity to talk about them musically. LOVE "EM LOVE "EM LOVE "EM oh and Did i mention that the 

SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you're anything like me....

You don't know how to spend/ to save/ to delegate/ to budget MONEY!!

What did I miss??! Was there a "Have some freaking self control" elective that I missed in high school? Did I opt out of the "Learn how to be a responsible human being and adult" lecture study in college? When does an individual learn how to manage his or her finances? How does one learn......?

My friend Amy sent me this awesome prayer today and the Lord knows I need it--especially when our lives in such a huge transition mode right now, getting organized and budgeted before we mix everything up would be very beneficial.

Release your Godly wisdom that I may be a
Good steward over all that you have given me
GOD, for I know how wonderful and mighty
You are and how if we just obey you and walk
In your word and have the faith of a Mustard
Seed that you will pour out blessings.
I thank you now Lord for the recent blessings I have
Received and for the blessings yet to come,
Because I know you are not done with me yet.
In Jesus name Amen...

I found that to be very inspirational. Also Dave Ramsey spoke at our Church several months ago, and he had some INCREDIBLE financial advise that comes straight out of the Good Book. Check it out, if you're anything like me and need a swift kick in the butt a bit of encouragement when it comes to your money. 

------------->CLICK HERE TO VIEW DAVE RAMSEY's SERMON <-------------

Have you ever been.....

Alone?

I can't say that I have.  Up to just a handful of months ago, I've shared my life with a huge, tight-knit family. I've never been without a best friend... or at least not for very long.  I've always had a boyfriend, and I've been married since I was 20.  I grew up and lived in the same house until I graduated from college--surrounded my by mom, dad, grandmother, and childhood friends that still lived in the neighborhood... I've lived a fully supported life. Always someone there to turn to.

Now my husband's company is relocating our family to North Carolina, and for the first time in my life, I'm faced with unfamiliarity. At first hearing the news, I cried--hard. But since then, I've become numb.  The move exists in a surreal little pocket in my mind. It is not yet real. So I feel nothing. Even though I know I should.

Its strange. Every time I mention the move to a friend they ask, "How do you feel?"  and I have to make up some feelings.... Normal feelings that normal people would have because I'm scared that if I were to tell them the truth, "I can't feel anything"  they would be hurt or think I were heartless or crazy.

So that's where I am today. Where are you?

haiku?!?! You know it!

This week's theme: Freestyle!   enjoy

A time filled with change--

My mind and heart in a state

Of abject rebellion

Against the progress,

Against the unknown future,

Against improvement?

I should be happy.

I should embrace it instead.

I'm not good with change.

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed
--Edgar Allen Poe

With the recent life-shattering earthquake in Haiti, a person can often wonder WHY?! But the Lord is powerful, and it is within His power to turn tremendous tragedy into great and tremendous blessing. We have sat around allowing our sisters and brothers in Haiti to live in the most impoverished country in all the Western Hemisphere. We can no longer divert our eyes. Haiti is not only on the forefront of our thoughts but incessantly pulling at our heart strings as well. It is a time to rebuild, not only because there is no where left to go but toward progress, but also because we are called to act!

Microfiction Monday ==Drafted :(

The Picture

The Story (In 140 characters or less) 

"Just look at us, sister! The fae will never find us among the humans!" Not knowing that all of Faerie peered back thru the looking-glass.

My dang internet was down, and I couldn't get this published to save my life. So here it is a DAY LATE!

Paradigm Shift

It has taken me longer
Than I thought it would.
The years pass quickly
As do the opportunities.

And I have sat still
Without any strength
To put myself out there--
a thirst left for others to quench.

But the wheels have begun turning
Without any help from me.
A slight shove from the Almighty
Has made me look up and see:

That its now or never.
It is sink or swim.
And all the coddling
Has come to an end.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story (In 140 characters or less) 

As she flowed toward the bright greenness of her old world, Jil felt an anxious need to return to the dark world where she was never alone.

Appended:01/12/10

Had i had (much) more than the allotted characters, It would have read. "As she flowed toward the bright greenness of her old world, her mood started changing. She flowed steadily toward its sterility and its silence. Immediately, Jill felt panic--a painful need to turn back into the bizarre world from which she came. Her new world, her new life, a place where at first she was held hostage by its parallels and disfunction but also where she was in a constant state of companionship--be it not always nice. Her dark world where she would never be alone again."

Be Still

What is there left to say--
To anyone?
Everything has already been heard.
Truly
Nothing is left hanging--
Left dangling
Awkwardly.
But even wordlessness
Sounds and rings in my ears.
The silence vibrates.
It hums in syncopated breaths
With anticipatory intensity.
When does it all become placid?
When does the world become still?
A flat, windless, and calm surface--
With its depths darkly hidden and
Draped by its smooth, rhythmless serenity.

Surrender

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
 ²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."


If you read my post yesterday, you know one piece of the whole crappy day.  But at the end of that day when my husband was settled down in front of our computer, after hearing and watching me cry all day, after reading my blog, after feeling his own sadness, he very wisely answered my questions. 


I asked what book will dry my tears. To which he responded, "The Bible, Jillien."


So I found the quote above and after reading it, I realized that it is in surrendering my earthly burdens that I can then take up his heavenly burden, which is always lighter than my own. I realized that I cannot control the actions of others nor can I control the emotions of others --not even my own child's.  


Having someone be mean to you when you thought him or her to be your best friend is a tough life lesson to experience at any age. Perhaps it was her youth that softened the blow.  I hope that in my own life I can be as innocent as my 3 year old. I hope that I can take meanness, ugliness, rejection as calmly and gracefully as a toddler.   


Isaiah 40:29-31 (NIV)

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  ³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; ³¹ but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Woe

Today Lia had her first day back at school since before Christmas. She had been talking for days about playing with her "best"friend.

This morning when I asked her if she were excited to go back to school she said "I'm excited to play with my friends."

Fast Forward--I pick her up from school and ask her how her day went.
"I had a good day" she responds with zeal.
"Did you play with your best friend?" I asked
"No."
"Why not?"
"She run away from me."
"Why would she do that"
"She doesn't like me."

Cue tears..... and no not from Lia. My heart was breaking. I could feel my face twisting as I tried not to cry in front of her.

I'm reading this book Parenting with Love and Logic, and it would call this situation a Significant Learning Opportunity (SLO) for Lia. The worst thing I could to is sweep down and fix it for her or take control. I should just stay out of it. Ooooookay. [Check] I've not done anything. I'm letting her deal with this.  (while offering encouragement and love, of course. )

But where's the book that helps my heart stop breaking? Where's the book that helps me not feel as if it were done to me? Where's the book that dries my tears?

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(In 140 characters or less)

"I'm going places" she snarled at the women as she turned and stalked silently away. Pride and poise practically seeping from her- the bitch.

Not Me Monday

Because MY child has been reared by the perfect parent, she had no choice but to be a perfect child. 

**Therefore it was totally IMPOSSIBLE that she would cry and scream for over an hour because she refused to put on her pants.

**She in no way had two accidents in one day this past week after being potty trained for over 6 months.

**My daughter is very gentle with animals. So she couldn't possibly squeeze our kitten so hard his eyes are in jeopardy of bugging out! NoooOoO not little Lia.

Sunday Citar: The New Year

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900 - 1944), "The Little Prince", 1943

  

Wanna know what I want in 2010?

It is to be a better mother. It is to see my darling child and to acknowledge her grace and perfection and to rise to the challenge of rearing her in a healthy and life-boosting way. It almost seems as if the Lord sent me a perfect being, and I, a marred and imperfect person, am trying to not mess her up as much as I can.

She truly is constantly explaining, through her actions, behaviors, moods, reactions, etc., how  I am to behave. How sensitive I'm supposed to be. How encouraging. How supportive. How loving. Truly the list goes on.

When will I know that I've learned enough?

Seams

My New Year's Sky
was a black satin sheet
blanketed over my world--
as dark gray, pillowy clouds
lined in rows
gently rolled over its smooth surface.
And brightly, although veiled,
The blue moon hung.
Shining and peeking as much as it could.
Stoic and patient, it waited for
me to have my fun.
Deep vibrating blasts
Sounded.
Other screeching rockets
Cut through the winter gusts.
The air rippled and shook,
While spectrum-colored fires
Erupted in the night-time frenzy.
All was splatted and dappled
Across my silky ink sheet.
All this while I stared.