It's not mine--A Not-Me Tuesday event

A long time ago I used to participate in a meme called "Not Me Monday" and it was a way to confess things in your daily life that you didn't do,would never think of ever doing, and/or wouldn't be caught dead doing! *cough* It was hosted by MckMama and since I'm not sure that she does it anymore, I felt compelled to write one tonight on this reminiscent Tuesday.

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I keep such a clean home that it would be appalling to think that my house could be so dirty that when my neighbor knocked on the door to let us know that he had taken our trash to the dumpster for us, that we'd duck behind a wall and wait for him to go away so we wouldn't have to open the door and let him see our filth. We would NEVER do something like that. Our home is so pristine you can come at any moment of the day and it would look straight out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine!! (NOT)

Also because I always clean up after myself... there is NO WAY that after I cut Lia's hair in the bathroom, I would just leave the hair all over the place and not pick it up. So of course when Lee went to brush his teeth, his toothbrush was NOT at all covered with hair!!!! That would be gross and totally out of character for me!

So there you have it. Very clear examples of how we always have it very well put together.

You never should have known

It was a mistake,
I say,
Telling you.
Then I add,
At least before your pride was in tact.
You had hope.
You had an inkling of respect.
Now it's all shattered.
You should have never known.

Delve

I think its kind of funny...

how incredibly anti-Catholic some people can be. Even whole churches can have a "we're the complete opposite of the catholic church" mentality. And while a lot of people do drift away from the Church and into some other church, I find it interesting how little details of Catholicism seep in: advent, lent, Church year calendar, some other dogmatic or theological principals.

Most people know I spent a lifetime studying in Catholic schools from 2nd grade through graduating college. And like most of my compatriots, I rebelled. I lashed out against the Church. I did my best to poke holes and slander. Then I studied under a professor named Dr. Christopher Baglow, and it revolutionized not only my faith but my entire life! He taught my Christology and Ecclesiology courses, and I read his book on Faith and Science. (these just a few of the many faith-based classes I took, of course.)

And now this is how I feel. We as Christians should be living as to glorify the Lord so that non-believers will see Christ working in us and through us. We should be focusing on spreading the Word to those who are starving for grace. Not bashing other Christians because we think their mass is boring.  Not passing judgment on an entire group of fellow Christians.

In college, there was a group of young people, all theology majors, who would congregate everywhere they went. They would laugh, and play games, and chat, play music, just normal and happy. And let me tell you, it was evident that they were saturated in the Spirit. And most of them were planning on entering the religious life vocation. In my angry sinful days, I would look to them with envy--wanting whatever it was they had. I found it later, but it was active faith in the Lord and the peace and joy that comes with knowing that the world and all within is in His capable hands.

Now find a church that works for you-- one that helps spread the kingdom of God, but let's keep other branches of the same tree unscathed. Most of what I learned with regard to theological principles, I learned through formal Catholic education, and I'm proud of it. and I love it.

How can someone not enjoy reading

there are no commercials. No breaks until your lids are so heavy that you can barely make out the words. The endless worlds. The endless romances or adventures. There are tears and pain and joy and hope. Messages and lessons. The images I see when reading are so much more vivid and lasting than those on a tv screen, where someone dictates how my protagonist looks. Let my mind work. Trust me it is very capable.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.



I'm in need of a miracle tonight.

Transport

I closed my eyes
And thought of your words,
And you brought me there--
Exactly where I wanted to be.
And I was someone else.
Somewhere far away.
Doing things I'd never done
With people I'd never met--
Feeling free.
Then some subtle noise,
And Im back
Here.

delve

When there's so much left to say

There's so much left to say,
But not enough energy to stave the day
Or not knowing the proper way
To get it all but leave guilt at bay.

delve

One Act One Scene Play: The Tear

[Lights are dimmed. It is bed time. and on stage are a mother and daughter --4 year old. The mother has been trying to help her daughter fall asleep on her own...]

Mother [leans over and kisses daughter on forehead]: go to sleep baby. I love you.

Daughter: Ok mommy. [rolls over]

[Lights brighten. Day time]

Mother: Lia! I'm so proud of you!! You fell asleep all by yourself last night.

Daughter [immediately schools her expression to one of an injured puppy]: Yes, but I had tears in my eyes.

The end.


And NO THIS IS NOT A SAD STORY. This is a story of my drama princess daughter.  The world's a stage for her!

Seasonally Depressed

I'm starting to think that the stark North Carolina weather gave me seasonal depression... You may be thinking What in the WORLD!>!>!>??? With which I would respond to your thought with a big Hell Yes I was depressed.

How could that happen in NC where it's supposedly the "south?" Well evidently here in NC the winter starts in October and ends in the unforeseeable future!!!!!!! And coming from Southern Louisiana where the seemingly endless summer monopolizes our other seasons, where its bombardment even surfaces in the little cool weather that we do receive in January through early March, I believe my body was shocked and it spiraled down toward the oh-so-true (which i had thought was an urban legend/joke type of situation) seasonal depression! haha!

Unbelievable.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm finally cured. I spent 5 glorious days with the people I love most in the world in the 80 degree sunny weather of New Orleans, LA. And laughed until I almost peed on myself. Ate until I started to feel like a glutton---just happy again.

And I was wondering where did this feeling go? Did all of my jubilance stay in New Orleans, and did I only take contentment back with me to NC?  Don't get me wrong... what more can one ask for than contentment? What more does a mere human deserve in this world? But it just brought me to a place of passion, excitement, hilarity, music, beignets, crazy balloon twisters in the streets, Catholics that don't go to church, hurricanes, sun, ferries, street cars, my late grandmother, my youth, my loves, my friends, concerts, mini-skirts, platform shoes, all girl catholic high schools...................

I'm back in NC, and enjoying the peace of being back in my home. Happy that it's finally Friday. Wishing my family and friends were here with me. Slightly envious of others with plenty of friends and things to do. But here in Raleigh I read. I read and sing. I read and sing and try more than I did back in New Orleans to be a good wife and mother. With the distractions gone. I sit. I think. I go back and forth from reading the bible to reading terrible romance novels....
(I'll have to account for that in Heaven, for sure).

Winded

The wind
The roaring wind
An oceanic wind outside my window.
Bending limbs with its might--
Attacking the buds of infant flowers.
It's true, dearest tempest,
That I love thee.

Delve

I spoke

What it was I couldn't even begin to tell you, but when I say that I didn't want to talk--I'm being sincere. Not this flaky, "I don't wanna talk about it" kind of thing, but of the most basic conversational level. I had nothing to say. Every word of mine in response to someone else was scrutinized with such intensity that I would let it just evaporate into nothingness--- simply not reply. My usual social butterfly self has been a recluse and a mute as of late.

But something happened last night--I spoke. for 2 hours. to my friend. and I needed it.

And although I don't feel at 100%, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to realize how rude I may have been behaving toward my friends. And they deserve my replies....

Let me just say how incredibly RUDE I think it is to send someone an email or leave him/her a voicemail to not receive a single acknowledgment that it was even read or heard. I do NOT want to be that person, but I found myself slipping into that just out of indifference.

No more. I cannot allow myself to be that type of person, and I have been to so many. Texts never answered, emails never replied, calls never returned. I hope my friends will forgive me for my silence.


*****I wrote this about two weeks ago, and the fact that I'm just now publishing it goes to show how recluse I've become************

My last shot

This is my last chance to speak in February, and I would hate to let the day go by.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

"See what I mean, Cap'n Ahab?"

"Not sure I understand what I'm looking at, old Starbuck, but you think

this is how the fish got so white?"

hosted by Stony River

Solace

My God,
I sit tonight
As I write,
But in my soul
I kneel--
I bow down
and beg
For peace.

Is it a sign, Lord?
A sign that things are
Only skin deep.

Even the songs on the radio
Are wrong--
All pointing downward
Backward
And around.

Of course the valleys are there
To bring us to yet another mountain,
But all my mountains must be
Valleys in your eyes....
Are all your mountains valleys in mine?

delve

My lunch Hour

[I currently have 8 minutes to finish this post and get on the road to make it to work by 12:30---to continue my day until who knows what time tonight---to bring home the bacon, etc]

I've been a working mother now 7 months. I eat less vegetables.

I spend more time with my co-workers than with anyone else, including my daughter and husband.

I feel more comfortable in our finances, and feel happiness with the fact that financially we're not in a hole (anymore).

I have 1 hour to eat.

I don't work out at the gym. Nothing. No exercise except for the 50 squats I secretly do when I wake up or if I skip the morning, before I go to sleep.  These 50 squats do nothing but help me pretend like my butt isn't sagging from endless hours of sitting at a desk.

I try to write.

I try to think.

I try to read.

I try to be patient with my family.

I try to be a better woman.

I sometimes do not succeed, and sometimes I do.

JM

Out With It

I know I must have missed this
Had I been thinking about it at all,
That is.

I probably have been yearning for this
Had I just remembered I loved it so much,
Or even a little.

I should have tried to recapture this
Had I attempted to grasp anything of my past,
Or of my present.

------------------------------------------------------------

Determined

The clock is ticking down the seconds--
Throwing them in with the rest--
Eternal waste basket of used time.

My mind is focused on being calm,
Although each tick is like a powerful
drum controlling the rhythm of my heart.

I will myself patience and confidence.
I attempt double-think--trying to trick myself
That I can do this and while not probable, definitely possible.

JM

One Act One Scene Play: The Toot

[Father and daughter sitting together while eating dinner]

FART!

Daughter: I don't know what that sound was daddy. I think it was either a butterfly or a dragon.



The end.

Another Saturday night

Tonight is another saturday night at home. No friends hanging out at the crib. No phone calls. No laughing. No shopping buddies. No karaoke.  No movies and arbor mist. No "lets get our nails did." No "is there a good concert tonight?" No "lets go down town" No "geezum I'm so hungry. What do you wanna eat after church tomorrow?"

Nothing. Just me and the computer and wondering if God will send me a soul-mate friend. 

I don't often bring it up, but I miss my friend Bueno so much on nights like this.  I'm really starting to realize how she must have felt when she moved to BR without really knowing anyone. The loneliness and isolation. She was so brave to have stuck it out on her own.  

I hope that I can be as brave because right now I'm not feeling very strong.  

I know this sounds terrible, but I've never been Jillien the wife and mother. I've always been Jillien who happens to also be a wife and mother. I miss just being myself sometimes. I feel consumed with responsibility and no outlet to just be ME.  There are some women who are so amalgamated with their womanly roles that they feel totally complete in them, but me without friends or at least someone to share with is becoming overwhelming.

While I knew that coming here was going to bring me closer to my family because we were to rely on each other so much more than ever before, I never could have imagined how suffocating it would feel after a while.

I love my daughter and husband with all of my heart and hope that this is just a fleeting emotion. Just a little hurtle in a long stretch of contentment. That God will put me in the right place at the right time and help me to connect. 

One Act One Scene Play (its been a while since I've done one of these)

[Wife and Husband at home. Two rooms on stage separated by a partition. Stage left is a bedroom where Wife is laying reading a book. Stage right is a living room where Husband is watching tv.]


Wife: Husband,  Can you come in here for a moment??

[Husband gets up from couch and walks toward stage left to the room. He hangs between center stage for a moment just looking in the room. Wife is reading yet another romance novel. The hunky half-nude man on the cover is the DEAD-GIVEAWAY of this.]

Husband: Ugh, I hate when you read those books.... you fantasize about me too much afterward.

[Wife cracks up laughing with its absurdity.]


The end.

drama