I see the world through broken glass.

I remember its once perfect curve.
The dull shine of the mid morning sun.
The crisp, clean looking-glass visions.
And then
Small chips appeared in the smooth surface.
Barely noticeable chips.
All due to small traumas.
And because I neglected these injuries
The glass became susceptible.
And when a bit of heat was applied
It cracked.
Long noticeable cracks on the surface.
Making my already defected glass
Obvious for all to see.
Then as I adjusted to this blemish....
And behaved as if it didn't matter
The cold came.
And more fractures
And longer scars across the surface of my glass
So that today
I see the world through broken glass.
And when the sun hits it just right
It sends sharp bright shards of light into my eyes
Blinding me as I attempt to safely make it home.
I see the world through broken glass,
And have yet decided if it's worth the investment.
Worth the time
Worth the effort
To fix it.

Delve

I know it is not enough

There has to be more I can do.

I want prepare my daughter for school and help her become brilliant--while being too tired to think and too stressed from my day that I barely have an ounce of patience.

What do I do? Sometimes I think that my job costs me more than it provides.

But if i stop dreaming and start thinking objectively.... will I have been able to provide Lia with more? Would my house really be cleaner? Would Lia be able to count to 20 by now?

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have taken that time for granted. Or just become more selfish and want more independence.

Knowing me---it would have been a little bit of both.

I think this year I've spent working has shown me how precious Lia is. And how the time I spend with her are treasures.

Maybe I'll be a better mother now because I want to be so badly--because being away from her and wanting her to have so much more has shown me how much I've dropped the ball.

They say its all about the quality time--not the quantity of time... that is what i need to work on. Quality. I find that I being so impatient and tired affects my quality.

I need to be better.

I need to be more patient.
More calm.
More consistent.
More attentive.

More...

Tears for Tripp

So I have cried more in the past 2 days than I think I've ever cried before.

If you're a regular to my blog, I'm sure you've noticed the new button on the right sidebar. Well as a warning *Do Not Click* if you are faint of heart. The pictures and the story of this blog have literally torn my heart out. My soul is aching for this child of God, Tripp.

They are from my home state of Louisiana--on the north shore, close to my home town of New Orleans.

He has a rare skin disease, EB, that makes his skin blister and peel off. It is very painful--excruciatingly so. And he's only 2 years old! He battles daily with the pain, infections, fevers, a trach, feeding tube, blindness (caused by his EB), and so many other ailments that are more than anyone deserves or should have to endure, much less a precious child.

AND HIS MOTHER--my goodness. Talk about a Saint. She is devoted to this child like non other, my friends. Her love, her patience, his strength, and their story have inspired me to be a better mother.

She shows that we are capable of so much love, and I'm not sure I've been tapping into my entire capacity to love to the fullest. If you want to read their story click here, but if this post is enough for you to imagine their struggle,  just send prayers.

Endless prayers. God sized prayers. Make the sun stand still for this Child. Make his pain go away, Dear Lord. Help his mother! Give her strength. And finally Lord, please never let me forget how fortunate I am. You have bestowed more grace upon us than could be imagined. Thank you, Father God, for my healthy family. Thank you Lord for Tripp.

CHEAPSKATE!

So I've been on this major life altering journey to save money. Several months back I completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and it really did open my eyes to how terribly I had managed our household.

While my husband is the "main bread-winner," I am the one who pays the bills, makes household purchases, and manages our accounts.

So if we are in the red---it is MY fault. My husband earns the money, and I spend it.

This is terrifying to all those single men out there!! Probably their worst nightmare, "If I get married, she is going to spend ALL OF MY MONEY!"

And during the first few years of our marriage, that was exactly what happened.

I was 20 years old when I got married, and was a mother, and the lady of the household, and the manager of the funds, and the acquirer of a shiny debt card, and I WENT AT IT! lemme just tell ya'.

Anyways, once we moved to NC from LA our funds were definitely at an all time low. So low that I had to get my own job after nearly 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom. God really provided for us during this time and delivered me a job in less than a week! Praise God for his faithfulness, y'all!

Well since then I've been trying to be a better steward of the money we do have. And I truly feel like I'm getting better. Some months I have my set backs (like this month for example)--when I've over spent, under budgeted, and basically lost my marbles when it comes to financial responsibility.

But I've been reading this book called "The Cheapest Family in America," and it has rejuvenated my desire to succeed with money.

These people are EXTREME when it comes to how little they spend, and while I don't want to go to that level, I do feel like I could do better. WAY better. On average I spend about $650 on groceries a month for 3 people-2 adults and a 4 yr old! that's insane!!!! But it's much better than the over 900$ that I was spending just a few short months ago!

Well 2.5 weeks into July, I found myself severely over budget. Trust me I was distraught! but I have to say that I'm proud of myself because the moment I noticed we were in trouble, I buckled down. My bi-weekly visits to the grocery store disappeared. And I can't tell you how incredibly resourceful I have become with the food in my home.

If you know me, you know that I love to cook and am constantly cooking some new delicious dish. This passion to cook new meals sends me to the store pretty often, but I've had to make due with what's in my pantry and you'll never believe it??!! we're still alive. No one has starved. In fact, it has made me a better cook and more responsible woman. I've exercised way more self control, and I have learned how to be more resourceful with what I do have.  I'm coming to realize how excessive my grocery shopping was now that I've not gone in 2 weeks and am still making due!

Quotes of Late

Lia: "Daddy has the Jingles. If I touch them I can get the chicken pops."

Amy after watching me do a goofy dance in the office: "Was that the Walgreens Shuffle?"

Graham after I told him how embarrassed I was that my shirt was unbuttoned and my chest was hanging out in front of a client. "Oh I saw that."
Jillien: "WHAT! Why didn't you say something?!??!"
Graham: "I thought that was your style."

Kelly: "Little sister I never wanted, I do listen to you when you say something."

VB: "They must be trippin' if they think I'm going to mail that!"

You cannot argue me into someone's heart....

Lord,
You commanded us to love:
Our enemies
You commanded us to honor:
Our fathers and mothers,
Our wives and husbands,
Our spiritual leaders,
And even...
Our political leaders.
As a pastor I knew once said,
Respect is earned,
But Honor is given.
The End.
It was commanded by the LORD.
And we have to trust that Your commands and laws, Father God,
Were established FOR us
Through your unfailing love.
We have to trust
That following your laws
Will lead us
To GREATER happiness
Than we would have ever imagined possible.
More happiness than the results of our own actions would have yielded.
And trust,
There are times when your laws go against my
Feelings.
There are times when I don't feel like following Your laws.
In those times,
I need to surrender to Your infinite wisdom.
I need to understand,
That my life is but a speck on Your timeline, Father.
That You are a circle drawn around my timeline.
All around.
Past
Present and
Future
That what I want,
What I do,
What I say,
Affects
Time itself--
The world in its entirety.
I have to realize
You have a greater purpose.
You have the Blueprints of the Kingdom.
You are the architect of Paradise.
And all I need to do is follow Your plan.
So I pray this evening,
For strength.
Strength to follow Your commands.
To not lead myself astray-- so incredibly far from Your laws
That my life is a constant battle.
That in my desperation to obtain my own desires
I fall on my own sword.

my house is so dirty

These are some of my common sayings when trying to convince people of the level of dirt in my home....

My house is so dirty... if you walked in it right now you would call child protective services on me.

My house is so dirty... you could catch the ebola virus.

My house is so dirty... i have to clean it before I can start cleaning it. 

-------------------

anyway, my mother in law is spending a couple of weeks with us starting this Sunday, and while I'm so excited to have family here, the amount of cleaning, organizing, purging, etc I have to do is slightly overwhelming. 

Honestly it took me Saturday AND Sunday to clean my daughter's room and closet. NO JOKE. 2 days of intense focus.

That is ridiculous! 

It is partly due to being dirt and trash hoarders, I believe. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no where near those crazy people on tv, but who keeps dried up markers? broken crayons? empty bubble wands? Every McDonald happy meal toy since 2006???WHO DOES THAT?! ME that's who.

So imagine a version of that in each and every room. 

That's what I'm dealing with right now. 

Wish me luck.

My Joy Haiku

Just seeing your face

Is all I need to feel joy.

Your smile warms my heart.

And when you're not here,

I think of you constantly

While passing the time.

'Til you're here again,

My soul reaches out for you

My mind does not rest.

Then I hold you close.

I remember how precious

And joyous you are.

I dream alone

Not even you
Believe in me.
My biggest fan
Yet to be discovered.
And why should you?
Believe, I mean.
I dream alone.
I push alone--
I always have.
And through it all
I've been on top alone.
And my words
And my voice
And my thoughts
And my spirit
Get me through.
Not you.

Delve

Because you asked

I sat there and wrote
Because you asked.
And you spoke while I listened
Because you asked.
I sang and you heard
And I failed
While you laughed.

Again and again
In front of familiar strangers.
I stand.
I open my mouth and fumble--
Why?
Because you asked.
Trust me I'm humbled
And each time it gets harder
But I slap on a smile
Walk up once again
All because you asked.

Delve

Spontaneity

my impulse to write
makes me incredibly late
But it is worth it.

I tap my fingers
to the 5 7 5 beat
and scribble it down.

Then glance at the time.
I've not a minute to waste
Leave now or get axed.

Palabra

They come to me you know. All at once. Like a vision. Like a picture of their meaning. And I pick from space and man-made eras, which would be the best to convey the pain and the anger and the betrayal and the peace and the glory and the visions and the visions and the visions never cease. Then. They. Hide. from me. They slip through my grasp. They elude me. They mock me from beyond the real. They melt away. And all I'm left with are the confusion and the anger and the trepidation and the insecurity and the guilt and the sin and no real way to convey the visions, always, there are visions... I hear the silence in my mind. I feel it in my core. When there is no escape. But I wait. I wait longer than others have the patience to wait for me. They grow tired of the anticipation. They grow resentful. And they leave. But like a faithful friend, my words come back to me. My words feel me reaching out for them. And with the gentlest of embraces, I press my cautious lips together and utter, my words.

Nothing to Say and Nowhere to Go

I'm struggling.

With no clear vision of what to say,

I'm left wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Not a writer of insta-prose,

My stanzas could use 

A tad of inspiration

A tad of flare

A tad of direction 

To God knows where.

And tippity tap

I rap

Tonight.

With no clear vision of what to say

Sitting here

Wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Oh Oscar, how well you know me

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

Oscar Wilde

Dusk

The soft, blue-gray light,
The dappled light streaming through horizontal blinds
The imperfect light of which doth shine
Upon my book and unread lines.

Delve

Update: Church Picnic

It went wonderfully! Everyone was so into the kickball game, and I think when everyone participating is really into winning it makes it that much more fun. Some of the funniest most amazing moments I've ever encountered happened during the kickball game.

Power slides to first base. Kicks that were to the stratosphere. Aerial feats of wonder in order get the out.

Amazing day.

As of late....

I've read the Hunger Games trilogy:

It's a drama, thriller, horror, sci-fi action super series. I really loved it, but you have to have nerves of steel to get through it. Several times it got so difficult to withstand that I thought about shelving the books.

Also, for about 2 weeks I have been organizing a picnic for my church. But not just any church picnic, but I wanted an ultimate picnic/tournament event. What's on the agenda? Well kickball, ultimate frisbee, and soccer to start!! Don't believe me??

So its on for tomorrow. But if you can only imagine. This church picnic took more planning than all of my other events combined. Starting with getting the business liability policy to incorporate the city of durham, to choosing one park out of dozens that is not in a Bad! area. I mean barbed wire, missing swings bad.  To obtaining 2 separate permits from Durham parks and recreations and the Durham Police department.   To learning the rules of kickball which turned out to be a 12 page downloadable pdf file filled with diagrams and models.

But call me crazy.... I love that stuff!!! I can't get enough of throwing a good party. Hopefully this picnic is a success and not a huge flop. I'll be totally heart broken. But knowing how awesome my congregation is, they will make a good time out of anything. Big props to God for the awesome weather we're to have all this weekend.

Sensational Haiku Wednesday

Theme: Freestyle

The subtle thumpings

are the left behind rain drops

searching for their friends.

Kamikaze rain,

free falling from extreme heights,

hoping to connect.

I sit and listen

alone-- this cool spring morning,

Relishing the sound.

But deep within me

A war wages on as well

As I too free fall.

delve

It's not mine--A Not-Me Tuesday event

A long time ago I used to participate in a meme called "Not Me Monday" and it was a way to confess things in your daily life that you didn't do,would never think of ever doing, and/or wouldn't be caught dead doing! *cough* It was hosted by MckMama and since I'm not sure that she does it anymore, I felt compelled to write one tonight on this reminiscent Tuesday.

************

I keep such a clean home that it would be appalling to think that my house could be so dirty that when my neighbor knocked on the door to let us know that he had taken our trash to the dumpster for us, that we'd duck behind a wall and wait for him to go away so we wouldn't have to open the door and let him see our filth. We would NEVER do something like that. Our home is so pristine you can come at any moment of the day and it would look straight out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine!! (NOT)

Also because I always clean up after myself... there is NO WAY that after I cut Lia's hair in the bathroom, I would just leave the hair all over the place and not pick it up. So of course when Lee went to brush his teeth, his toothbrush was NOT at all covered with hair!!!! That would be gross and totally out of character for me!

So there you have it. Very clear examples of how we always have it very well put together.

You never should have known

It was a mistake,
I say,
Telling you.
Then I add,
At least before your pride was in tact.
You had hope.
You had an inkling of respect.
Now it's all shattered.
You should have never known.

Delve