It has to be better than last time

Almost three years ago,  my family and I moved to Raleigh, NC from Baton Rouge, LA.

We were so incredibly unprepared for the move that we just threw all of our belongings into the truck. No boxes, no bags, just chucked it back there and wished for the best.

I was advised TODAY that I close on Friday. That means that in the next 2 days, I've gotta get ready to move, and I'm terrified it's gunna be a hot mess like last time.

But if I could just get 75% of my belongings in a box, then it'll be an improvement!

Thinking

Do you ever think about it?
The how's
And what's
And why's about it?
The why'd it ever start
And how we ever stopped with all of it?

Love thine enemy (retry)

It might as well say, "Gouge thine eyes" how difficult I find its concept and its application.

There are some common enemies that are easy to say we hate or are trying to "love" the evil right out of--corrupt politicians and world leaders, mass murderers, serial killers, child abusers, the list goes on...

But what about those enemies in our personal lives? That individual whom just the thought of makes your blood boil. Whom you imagine arguing with and winning! or think of a witty comeback 3 days too late! "Man I wish I would have told him this.....!@#$%"

In all reality that person may not be as bad as the late Osama Bin Laden, but the emotion toward him or her is 10x what you feel for some evil stranger.

What am I getting at??!?!

Hmmm

I guess my point is it's easy to say you love your enemies, when you don't have to run into them at the family get together every Sunday or have to hang out with him or her because you have the same friends.

But putting that type of love into practice is much more difficult, and I'm only now accepting this lesson into my life.

For a long time, if you were my 'enemy,' I would simply cut you out of my life. But recently I've started reaching out to those people--trying to integrate them into my life once again. Or just trying to get along. Attempting to find redeeming qualities, in what I usually see is a sea of distasteful ones.

Sometimes I feel so fake because it is as if I'm feigning fondness that isn't there, but like I always say, "You gotta fake it, till you make it." And I'm confident that if I keep trying, I'm going to love my enemy into friendship.

As you could probably tell...

From my most depressing late night poem that this new year did not induce happy, excited feelings from me at all. I was reading my facebook, watching tv, and noticing everyone is so excited for the year to come, for the celebration at midnight.

I. was. not.

The Peter Pan in me kept repeating "you're getting old." "you're gunna die one day, and it's fast approaching." "your little girls are growing up..."

And man lemme tell ya, I was getting pretty depressed.

But days have passed, and life went on as usual. And without the huge celebration of passing time, I'm feeling more myself.

I suppose it might stem from this incessant feeling that I've not done all that I was capable of accomplishing. That there could have been more to me and more to my life than what I have.

** And inevitably someone will point out everything wonderful and good and say that I must be grateful. And I am grateful, but is it so bad to be honest and admit that it isn't enough?

In an hour

In an hour
The world starts over--
Fresh ideals
Fresh resolutions
With the same old resolve.
In an hour
Another tally mark is placed on my life's slate
Another day is taken off the bottom
And I'm an hour closer to another milestone.
In an hour
I'll be just as I am now
But changed
In realizing that time,
Time,
Time is tick tocking relentlessly toward my final melodious note--
The pages turning toward the last word in my final chapter.
And I'm left with the urgent need to make something happen.
In an hour,
I'll embrace my loves
And pray that time stands still.
And in an hour
That prayer will go unanswered.

The Maid Service Double-Standard Reality Check

So for Christmas, my dear husband purchased me a groupon for a one time house cleaning from a local maid service. And before all the ladies start rolling their eyes, you must understand that I am probably the world's worst housekeeper. I'm a stay at home mom who on MOST days lifts not a finger toward cleaning, picking up after herself, or anyone else, to be honest. His gift of this house cleaning was really to "let me off the hook" so to speak. I desperately want a clean house, but rarely have the energy and desire to make that happen. 

But I've been feeling compelled to change this bad and slothful behavior of mine. I want to set an example to my children of cleanliness, responsibility, and order. And I'm committed to allowing this cleaning to jump start me into the New Year--starting off with a clean slate.

The maid service came today to clean my house. She was here for 3 hours and cleaned a ton and still couldn't get every surface. There was just too much dirt. 

Paying someone to clean my home really made me look at the state of my home. I was double checking her work (not in a haughty way, but in a curious as to how it looks-kinda-way), and I even cleaned some surfaces that she wasn't able to get to.

I mean Superman probably wouldn't have been able to clean my whole house in 3 hours, regardless of being faster than a speeding bullet. 

This process of going over her work and noticing the left over surfaces that she couldn't get to made me realize that the standard I used for myself is much lower than the standard I held for her.

And reflecting on that tonight, I'm realizing that I hold almost everyone in my life to higher expectations and standards than I demand of myself. 

I demand so much from those around me, and yet feel less than inclined to reciprocate or set an example through my own behavior. 

This has to change. If I want respect from my children, I need to show respect.

If I want my baseboards cleaned a certain way, I better get to setting the example.

If I want to be paid attention to, I need to start paying attention to others.

This unbalanced way of leading my life needs to be checked. It's an unfair double-standard, and I'm ashamed of it.

Newtown

Is anyone safe?
Anyone?
From the wild machinations of mad men?
The loud banging
Of extinguished souls
Forever seared in the
Tramautized minds
of lucky(?) survivors.
And what of us?
What of us fellow Americans,
Fellow fathers and mothers,
Fellow men and women,
Fellow human beings?
How do we help convince you
That there's life after these deaths?
How do I help you remember that
God is good?
How can I comfort you in
God's justice?
Where would I be?
What would I do,
If I were you?
Could I ever smile again?
Could I ever laugh or hope?
Could I ever worship or praise?
Should I?
An imbittered hardened heart
That should beat only for the Lord
Stops mid-beat.
And only God can make it
Thump
Once more.

My Dying Muse

What happened to the girl filled with rhyming words,

Who saw the world through verse and prose--

That loved the edges where reality blurred

Where in her lines the world she froze. 

She let them slip through her disused fingers

Her writing all but obsolete

And the worlds she built simply linger

In a moribund reality she can barely see.

Where did the words go, she wonders.

Where did my expressive passion hide?

When will I find my elemental lovers

With which I sculpted paradise in my mind?

I Remember You

Strangers lost in far off places

Left behind with nare a thought

Passing quickly with unrecognizable faces

Memories for which no one fought

Science with Lia--Light

We learned about light today.

We learned that ordinary, white light is actually made up of many colors! We made this cool color wheel and spun it on a string to show how all the colors blend together and how your eye can't pick out any one color in particular!

Then we read The Magic School Bus Makes a Rainbow to really drive home the point that white light is made of different colors, and when those colors come together it becomes while light again. Really great story!

But then I confused her royally when we talked about light bending. We used water and oil to show how the light bends and makes the noodle* look broken. As you remember a few days ago we did a density experiment with water and oil. So she got really confused what we were talking about when I introduced water, oil, air, light, noodles, and bending. Just TMI for my baby girl. But it was cool nonetheless. I had her draw observe the glasses from different angles and draw what she saw. 

Left: Noodle in Water. Center: Noodle in Oil. Right: Noodle in Water and Oil. 

*The experiment called for straws, of which I have none! Noodles worked just as well I suppose. Although we did NOT achieve the result instructed in the book for the oil and water combination. Supposedly the "straw" was supposed to look broken in 2 places. As you can see on the right, it only looked broken once.

Salt Dough Ornaments

So I'm still on my mission to be a more "hands-on" mom. Tonight we made ornaments for our tree.

Set oven to 200F
Then we mixed 1c of all-purpose flour
1/2c salt
~3/4c of water

We rolled it out with our rolling pin and used our Christmas cookie cutter shapes.

Here's the aftermath:

Even Maggie wanted to join in on the fun:

W

We baked them for what seemed an eternity (about 3 hours) then I flipped them over for about another hour. Then came the fun part: paint and glitter!

I asked Lee if he were purposefully trying to make the ugliest ornaments ever! 

Lia's Creations!

These were mine- minus the pink tri-heart at the top. That was lee's.

Homemade Baby Food cont...

So I mustered the courage and pureed my chicken dinner!

This is before:

This is what it looked like after:

I used the baby bullet that my husband and older daughter gave me for Christmas last year, and it worked really well!

The consistency is a little gritty and the color very pale. I don't know how to fix that! But I'm going to keep trying and researching how to get a better consistency with chicken.

But Maggie ate it up just the same! So I must not have done too poorly.

Here's what I did:

I roasted a 3-4 lbs turkey in the oven stuffed with lemon, onion, sage, thyme, rosemary, and apples. I lined the pan with carrots, celery, apples, lemons, onions, and potatoes. (425 degree oven, 1/4 turn of the pan every 20 mins, for about an hour to an hour 20mins. I cover with foil for the most part of cooking and right when it's almost done, I remove the foil to crisp the skin.)

Once it was done, I stuck it in the fridge, and didn't get the courage to puree it until the next day.

I put 1/2 the breast, potatoes, apples, and carrots in the blender. (I cut up extra apples and carrots and put them in with the cooked ones) Poured plenty of water and PUREED!

I kept adding water as I needed to achieve the creamiest texture I could.

The end :)

Homemade Baby Food

Let me start out by saying that I have been trying to make all of Maggie's baby food from home using organic or all natural ingredients. I haven't been as consistent as I wanted when I started this venture, but I feel like I'm finally getting my groove.

Anyway my friend Chrissy, fellow blogger and mommy of two, gave me this wonderful and EASY idea!

I milled some old fashioned oats (of which I always have in stock and in abundance!), milled it into a fine powder and cooked it till it was nice and smooth. (You can make bigger batch to reserv for other meals) I let it cool and mixed with apple sauce. VOILA!  A hearty, homemade, easy breakfast for my little peanut. And she LOVED it. I couldn't believe how much she ate.  This meal cost me pennies! I always have these ingredients on hand.

I also baked her a chicken dinner consisting of all organic chicken, potatoes, apples, herbs, lemons celery, carrots, and onion. But how in the world am I suppose to puree this!!!!! 

Anyway, once I've figured it out, I'll let you know how it went. Wish me luck!

Science with Lia-- Alka-Seltzer lava lamp

I am in no way a creative mom, but I LOVE to learn new things and science is particularly interesting. I stumbled across a blogger who home schools her children, and she is always doing amazingly fun experiments and projects. It really inspired me to find more resources, blogs, websites, books on experiments that I can do at home.

We did some salt experiments a few days ago. CLICK HERE to read that post.They were easy, fast to do, and a perfect introduction to the world of home learning. 

Tonight we did another experiment. Here's how it went.

We started by pouring oil into a bottle about 2/3's full. (it would look cooler if we had more oil and less water. more like 3/4 oil to 1/4 water. Incase you want to try it at home)

Then we filled it the rest of the way with water and observed how the oil and water don't mix. We also noted that the water sank to the bottom and the oil floated on top. (water is more dense than oil)

Then Lia put food coloring, drop by drop, and noticed how each drop sank to the bottom.

The food coloring didn't mix with the oil, but once it reached the water at the bottom, the color mixed pretty quickly.

Then came the fun part. We broke apart a couple of alka-seltzer tablets and dropped them in. (The tablets released carbon dioxide gas and sent blue bubbles into the oil) Click play on the video to see our lava lamp in action!!

 Last we screwed on the top tightly and made waves! FUN :)

Salt Science with Lia

We observed the effect salt has on ice tonight. Being from the Deep South I am not very familiar with ice and cold weather. So tonight as I am explaining to my daughter that people who live in very cold climates pour salt on the roads when they've iced over and why, I was feeling out of my comfort Zone.

Needless to say I learned a thing or two tonight as we watched the salt basically eat through the ice. I was shocked! Haha i was probably more impressed than Lia was!

But we weren't done with the salt yet! Observe our gorgeous salt paintings!

The worst part of me

You taught me
The worst part of me.
How to be and stay angry.
How to scream
And how to yell
How to beat
And how to dwell
On all the imperfect and
Inconvenient traits
Of those I love and those I hate.

Delve

GMO Corn, you son of a....!

For a latina who eats corn tortillas at almost every meal, the discovery that 198% of corn is genetically modified and is surely going to kill me slowly and painfully has me really reevaluating my life.

And it's not just my corn, but the sugar I use to sweeten my oatmeal, my cereal, my baked goods, my coffee, and tea.

The high fructose corn syrup in ALL of my prepackaged sweets and soft drinks.

My edamame.

My cereal.

My frozen veggies

My life has become genetically modified, and I am not pleased.

So I've adjusted by replacing all of my food with organic food that only cost 500x's more than conventional foods, but I feel is totally worth it because I'm paranoid that I'll grow a third arm due to the exorbitant quantity of corn tortillas I've ingested.

Add this to my all natural cleaners, my organic milk, organic cheese, organic eggs, organic flour, organic beans, organic butter, etc...
Because I'm eliminating rBGH, steroids, antibiotics, food coloring, waxes, pesticides, and Lord only knows what else!

It's just disgusting that one has to take so much care and spend so much money to get normal, natural produce. I mean what the hell!?!??!?!?

Anyway, here's a cool guide that you can print out and take to the grocery with you to help you avoid purchasing GMO food!
-->CLICK ME<-->

A failing mom

I find that ever since Maggie was born my patience with my older daughter has been so little that it's barely existent. Tonight was the single worst night of my life as a parent. I completely flipped my lid on Lia. I feel like Lia has received the short end of the stick when it comes to my patience, attention, humor, gentleness, enthusiasm, you name it, and I've neglected it with regard to her--for the last SEVEN months.

This is what I feared most about having multiple children--that inevitable favoring or better treatment of one child over the other. And what makes it worse is that you feel it in your soul. Everything about your interaction is feigned. It's like you're trying so hard to be patient or kind with one when it comes so easily with the other.

I rationalize by telling myself that I'm like this because Maggie's just a baby and perhaps she just sucks up so much of my attention and warmth that I'm drained by the time Lia comes around. And perhaps it's true, but that doesn't excuse how harsh I can be toward Lia. She's just a little girl too, and I'm completely convinced that this is a critical period in Lia's life and I'm totally messing her up.

I need to pray more. I need God to intervene. I need to fill myself up with so much of his love and grace that I'm overflowing like a fountain and covering both of my girls!

Tomorrow Lia and I had planned a mommy/ daughter date, and I hope it goes well. But I once read this quote that said something like "you can't damage your relationship with your child with one bad day, but you can't fix a relationship with only one good day." And I totally agree. If tomorrow goes perfectly well, it will only be one day-a drop in the bucket- compared to the many bad days!

Rise, Let Us Be On Our Way

I'm currently reading "Rise, Let Us Be On Our Way," by Blessed John Paul II. He wrote this with the intended audience of his bishops. Men that govern and serve diocese around the world--leaders of the Church. He goes into minute detail over several traditions, symbolic practices, artifacts and customs within the Church--all that seem to have had profound emotional meaning to him. 

I can sense his deep respect and connection to these rituals, but his most poignant commentary is when he deflects from the official churchiness of something and just communicates universally on the calling to be a leader in the Church, the expectations of a leader, the qualities of a person whose aim is to guide his congregation to salvation and even those outside of his congregation--those who have yet to accept Christ--into the loving and just arms of God. 

Having once been a student of the Catholic religion, I have first hand experience with the traditions and customs that come with being a Catholic, even as simple as genuflecting before entering your pew and when to appropriately make the sign of the cross, when to stand, kneel, sit, etc, and I've observed and studied the traditions and symbolic acts of the priests, the nuns, the arch-bishops, and even the pope himself! 

Our lives as Catholics are like carefully choreographed dances--each move a symbolic act of some ancient milestone in our faith that we must routinely perform lest we forget the significance of those early revelations and veer off the righteous path toward damnation. 

What's my point?!?!?!

My point, I suppose, is that God's love is our only salvation. That regardless of what tradition we may practice, when we feel deeply the love of God--enough to allow it to penetrate our every cell so that it transforms us into people who love others no matter what--then whether I genuflect, or cross myself, or celebrate the Eucharist every Sunday or practice any other routine, tradition, or custom that inevitably creeps into all churches (because we as humans crave routine and familiarity) we are universally saved through Christ's blood. BECAUSE I am now completely convinced that not a single Christian denomination can have the full, complete, and perfect expression of faith. Because we as people are not full, complete, and perfect practitioners of faith. Because we as humans are incapable of knowing the fullness of truth without the Spirit's revelation. 

I find that once upon a time had someone criticized Catholicism for its customs I would have lashed out with my defensive guns ablaze. (And to be honest, I do still find myself defending this religion wholeheartedly from attack stemming from ignorance and intolerance--even from other Christians.) But  having stepped away these several years, I can see how and why these ancient rituals seem archaic, redundant, and unnecessary to others who do not feel the profound emotional and spiritual connection within these acts as many Catholics and especially the clergy of Catholicism feel. Reading this book just shows me further how God can use any number of expressions to tie souls to Himself, to connect man with His eternal Spirit, to enable His people to experience and feel His presence. 

Regardless if we find them unnecessary, it is clear that John Paul II respected these symbols of his succession of the apostle Peter. He loved the Lord, and he loved the Lord's people. So in the end, regardless of his routines, he was a holy and blessed man, worthy of respect and a cherished model of Christian living.

Purified Cold

The sharp rustling of dry brown leaves
Scratches against my mind--
Distracting me.
Then quickly gaining my full attention,
I notice
The cool breeze flowing through the window
Silkily running across my skin,
Like chilled satin.
The subtle creaking of thousands of branches
Bending and flexing with the winds
Add an eerie harmony to the leaves'
Percussive chorus.

Clean.
The cold purifies.
And deeply I inhale
Hoping that somehow this immaculate gale
Could penetrate my soul
My mind
My thoughts
And wash away all that festers deep within.
All the memories stashed away
Threatening to spill into my now.

I am quiet most nights
Rarely a word escapes my lips
Nor a glance my eyes do take.
Reflecting
Is my nights' task.
Beating down my rogue vices is
My nocturnal need.
But the distraction of tonight's natural rustic rhythm
Has been most inspiring
And revealing.

Delve
JP @ Olive Garden Poetry Picnic Week 39: Halloween 2012 Special!

Thursday Mini Fiction Writing Prompt Week 30: Life In The Art Box