Retreat

I've never been this overwhelmed with desire to be alone in a very long time. And not an hour upstairs where I still hear the chaos of family life echoing through the halls. Not alone but with constant interruption. Not alone but with the ever present sentiment that soon I'll have to reemerge and be mommy and wife and whatever the hell else I can be assigned.

I mean detached, private, personal, no-rush kind of alone. I-want-to-be-only-Jillien kind of alone.

It is the only thing I miss from my former life as a single, non-mother---my ability to escape and isolate myself. I need that kind of time. It is imperative to my nature.

Why right now? I have no clue. maybe because my daughter has been on vacation all week and my days and nights have been spent in her company and in my husband's company. Tomorrow she returns to school-even if it is only 3 hours. Perhaps I'll be over it after I've receive that break, but man I'm in dire need of it right now.

it has arrived.

I know I should be tired--I'm just not. It's cold outside, but it does not slow me down. It wouldn't dare. I ignore the crispy caresses of this new winter breeze. I have no shoes, and my running is causing painfully sharp pebbles to effectively pierce into my feet. No stumbling. Keep running. Its dark, and if a car were to turn the corner, there'd be no way for the driver to see me. Instant smash. This is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm almost there. Just around the bend. In the pitch, I see the tall metal box that holds my happiness. Wrapped somewhere within, it is waiting. Impatiently, I slow down and carefully assess this maddeningly organized set of locked boxes. The key. I hold the key that opens the one door. No stumbling. Keep searching.  Yes! It's open. Yes! It's in there. Stuck. How was this impossibly large package shoved into this ridiculously small nook? Dig. I force my cold hands into the small space and dig. I rip. I pull. I curse. I still feel the brisk wind on my face. My feet are still bare on the cold cement. My hands... My hands are scrapping against the metal sides.  My hands are pulling against the wrapping.  My hands hurt. It moves! I keep nudging. Finally, it is free! I hold it close to my body. Giddy. I'm giddy as I make the run back.  Running faster than before, in my impatience to hold it comfortably. All alone. I wish to be all alone with it. Its mine. The treasures it holds within its spine. The secrets it has kept from me. The nights and days I've spent pining are over.

Quotes of Late

C: "If Lexis made a mini-van, I'd drive that too-- you DDS asshole!

Lee: Happy day, Turkey.

Subway lady: "And who are you??!!? Cuz I know you ain't his WIFE!

Jillien: "No attitude. It was more like.... I give up."


Wanna read past quotes of late? Click Here :)

Wanna know a secret?

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I've never decorated for Christmas. 

Even growing up, the house was never decorated for Christmas.  Most years my parents would just plug in this one-foot-tall fiber optic tree, and that would be it. Some years we would actually buy a tree, but our family has actually celebrated several Christmases with a "Christmas Branch" that my dad found in the yard.... yup.

I have a three year old, and this is perhaps the worst year to decide that THIS IS THE YEAR. I am GOING to decorate for Christmas. I will learn how to string lights on a tree. I will hang stockings. I will do it all. 

Last year after Christmas, I hit Walmart and bought lights and everything else I could get my hands on, but there were no ornaments, christmas cards, or trees. 

So I have been looking around for an affordable tree, for ornaments, and for someone to teach me how to do the whole thing! 

Anyways, I suppose I don't know when is a good time to start decorating, but I do know this is my year :)

Yes Oscar. It is very important to be Earnest.

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891, preface

I have always claimed to be uniquely dualistic. I suppose I am not as unique as I once thought. This quote describes my exact feelings toward my own morality in relation to the literature I read and love. If a book, poem, short story, etc. is well written and moves me, I will cherish it. But it can in no way sway me from the very clear boundaries of my faith.


I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

Oscar Wilde

Simply put. I do this very thing every time I write. It goes from proof to proof, through edit and edit.

I have read almost everything Oscar Wilde has written. He makes me laugh and think and yearn. I love his work. Almost every line he has written is quotable, and these are just a couple out of the dozens of his lines that have been ingrained eternally in my being, as a writer.

Have you a writer who has inspired your work? or who continues to surprise and enthrall you even after hundreds of times reading his/her works?

Yours

I fell in love with you
a little--
again.
Its funny,
Honey,
How your smile
Never fades
Even after days
And months
Have passed me by.
Goodbyes
Most every time
We say hello.
There we go--
Again.
Right at the end.
The punctuation:
An exclamation
Mark.
But the end
Nonetheless.
Just another waking dream
But with less of a gleam
And less love it would seem.

JM

Delve

In another writing rut

On command.

I need to tap into my muses mind

On command. 

No patience or desire

To be left behind.

To have to wait

For my will to take

What is rightfully Mine.

Talks With Toucans

Here's my little Indian Native American ;-) at her preschool Thanksgiving celebration!

Who am I?

There once was a girl named Jillien,
with hair dyed several shades of vermillion.
She partied night and day--
Wasted her money away
Not realizing true friends are one in a billion.

There then was a lady named Jill,
who met a young man and decided to chill.
It went a little farther.
They delivered a daughter.
Now she's up to her elbows in bills.

There now lives a woman named Jilli
Who never grew out of being silly.
She dreams of far off places,
While blogging and checking myspaces.
She reads and she writes at her will-y.

Delve

Opportunities

Analisa at A Word to Take Away spoke Truth in this Incredible Post(<--click to read)

I have been offered an overwhelmingly amazing opportunity, but like always when faced with challenges, I'm beginning to feel the nerves.

Can I live up to the expectation?

Will I succeed or disappoint?

Can I do this?

Analisa's words convinced me that YES of course I'll succeed because I have faith that the LORD will deliver all the tools I need in order to thrive! Yes, I can do this. Yes, I will be challenged and pushed to limits, but it will reveal the depths of my character and the depths of the LORD's power and love.

Upon finishing a book

Been staying up late every night
Just trying to finish you.
I'm exhausted...
Actually, I'm quite the opposite.
I'm overflowing with words,
and images,
and thoughts,
and horrors,
and victories.
I know its late,
But I've got an unread romance novel
Collecting dust on my overfilled book shelf.
Should go to sleep,
But knowing me, I'm most
Probably going to keep reading.
I'm not exhausted...
I'm quite the opposite.

Twas Not Me

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Growing up my parents would always say there was a phantom that lived in the house whose name was "Not Me."

"It was Not Me" I would claim whenever things would go missing or mysteriously break... Considering I am an only child, a strange phantom child who wreaked havoc upon our household was the only LOGICAL explanation.

So thanks to MckMama, I'm able to tattle-tale on Not Me once again....

Here we go!

I certainly did not wait until an hour before an expected visitor arrived at my home to begin cleaning frantically all over my downstairs.  

The upstairs living area is in No Way completely closed off to all guests because of its tremendous mess and dirt and chaos.

I totally did NOT forget to peel off the wallpaper in my bathroom that read "Looking for a good time? Call Flora Nemetz... Lord knows everyone else has!" before my IN-LAWS paid us a timely visit on Saturday. That would never ever have happened.

And finally... I did not purposefully forget to mention to my parents that we got a cat because I didn't want to hear all 4 of them nag at how dirty, expensive, needy being a pet owner could be. I would NEVER be so sneaky!

Well there you have it... Poor Not Me has struck again!

Sunday Citar: Banter

The Taming of the Shrew

PETRUCHIO Come, come, you wasp; i’ faith, you are too angry.
KATHARINA If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
PETRUCHIO My remedy is then, to pluck it out.
KATHARINA Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies.
PETRUCHIO Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting?
In his tail.
KATHARINA In his tongue.
PETRUCHIO Whose tongue?
KATHARINA Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again. Good Kate; I am a gentleman. (2. 1. 209-219)

This is one of my favorite dialogues in any of the Shakespeare plays. Petruchio is always one step ahead of Kate. She rants and rakes at him, yet he continues to jest and allow her insults to simply bounce off leaving him unscathed. Lee reminds me of Petruchio in that respect. Although I'm usually one step ahead of his wit, he is impenetrable by my insults. We make a good Shakespearean romantic lead.

JM

The Juice Joint

This is me dancing the Charleston during the dance contest at the Juice Joint.

I hosted a Murder Mystery party at my home a couple of weeks back... yes this was after a month FULL of birthday parties I planned for my daughter, which totaled 3 parties for a 3 year old!

Anyways it came out wonderfully, and we all had a blast! Here are some highlights!

Pressed

I'd think you'd fit just right--
Pressed up against me.
Barely sleeping this one night;
Tracing my body by clutching tight.

Friendship

"Wine from the Mists of Arbor"  Bueno

Friendship is such an incredible thing.  

One walks around life completely alone in his or her mind. All thoughts are encompassed within one, sole consciousness. And then the Lord gives us speech, in order to communicate those thoughts to others around us.  And we do.  We speak to an innumerable amount of people in our lifetimes, but there are only a few who communicate back in such a way that they reach the very core of our souls. Perhaps that person makes you laugh like no one else can.  Or gives counsels that touch your heart like no one else's can.  

And those few are given the distinct honor of being one's friend.

What is it?

"But I have never for a moment wavered in my belief that we would make each other very happy, and I swear to you, with my whole being, and no matter the circumstances, I do absolutely want you."

-Splendor, Anna Godberson

Ever want something so bad that no matter what has happened to that something or someone... you'd take it anyway.

Love can be a tricky little thing--at times its easily overlooked, ignored, denied, repressed, suppressed... but desire is so intensely simple that it's almost impossible to ignore. It rings in every fiber of your body. Desire consumes all thoughts. You fight against the impulse to just spring and take it.

Ever look at something and think, "I do absolutely want you."

My daughter has that look when she sees candy. My husband and my father share that desire for chocolate. Some, I'm sure, look at cars.... and others, I'm certain, look at people.

Whitney Update

I begin and draft so many updates about my lil bro without ever posting a single one.

Its probably because his life is ever changing. One second he's 12 years old sitting on the couch next to me talking while I'm watching TV... the next he's moving away. In a blink of an eye, he's in high school.... I take a breath and he's graduated. And now Whitney's in his first semester of college and preparing himself for boot camp! How is this possible?! How is he so adult and grown? Who am I that my little Whitney is a man?

Frantically I awaken and drowse.
Up and down--in my incompetency.
Why is this damn house never clean?

quotes of Late

Lee: Why does we always have to till someone comes over, before we clean the house?

Jillien: which one, the velopciraptor?

Mommy: I wants it.

Bueno: Customers can drink the water from a fountain of his tears. Where else would the water come out from??? His ears? No, eyes are better.