I'm a broken record

I havent been posting much. Its not that nothing is going on. SUCH AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT going on right now. but its too much to type. I can only imagine how tired everyone is reading about how stressed, depressed, anxious, insane i'm becoming.

Once i get into a new emotion. a refreshing one i'm sure i'll start typing again.

Hopefully a new house

They've accepted our contract on a new townhouse. cross your fingers!!!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

and i'm a really loved person. I see that today.

Everyone is trying hard to make me happy, and they are calling and they are leaving me myspace messages, and tonight Lee is going \to take me to the casino, and my parents gave me money to go shopping for pretty clothes, and I feel so special.

Lance Bass from N'Sync is gay...

Can you believe that he was my favorite of the group!!? I would chose the gay one to fantasize over. Thats hilarious! [Not that he's gay cuz i dont give a damn if anyone is gay or straight] whats hilarious is that he was the nerdy one. NO ONE liked him. but ME. i liked him and now he's gay.

funny funny

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,19598,00.html

So i had my performance today

And it turned out so much better than i thought it would. For some reason i work really well under pressure, and when i'm least prepared.

Go me for being the Queen of Successful Procrastination

I turn 21 TOMORROW

and i still dont know how to feel. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to be in cancun drinking and dancing. Instead i have a doctor's appointment at 9 am to test me for pregnancy diabetes.


When am i going to get happy? I don't even feel excitement on my 21st birthday. Before all this i had so many friends and acquaintances and enough people in my lfe to make this great. Now, i've lost touch with EVERYONE and i feel like i'm alone.

Its funny bc i wanted to go on a trip with Lee to the beach for my birthday, I had 1000 dollars to spend. And we felt like it would be best to save the money instead.

So next weekend Lee is going on a trip to Florida with his friends for a bachelor party, and I'm going to be alone with no memories to hold on to.

Things just feel so messed up. I'm waiting for a glimmer of happiness and hope. I'm ready to feel happy.

I know the baby will make me happy. One day soon, I'll be happy.

Definitely a BETTER day!!!

Lola is not dying-- YAY! she doesnt have AIDS or Leukimia or however you spell it.

She must have something else. Something treatable like epilepsy, and Lee and I are going to have to invest in one of these innovative Kitten Helmets to protect her if she falls off the bed again or worse.

I perform tomorrow

and i'm not prepared one bit. I barely know my song or the tempo or the notes or the anything and i have to just go infront of a large group of people and sing it. I dont think i can do it. It's very scary for me now. I did it a lot in high school but since then i've only performed a handful of times and i'm starting to get freaked out.

Wish me luck!

I turn 21 on THURSDAY

and i am more sad than anything. I don't think anyone will remember or care. I won't be able to go out dancing or drinking or anything like that. I wont go gambling money that i dont have. Basically my 21 first birthday is going to be my worst birthday.

But to look on the bright side. I have Lee on my birthday, and i have Lola and Tito, and Sissy on my birthday. I have my family and my mommy and daddy and i guess thats all i need.

My worries are consuming me

What am i going to do?
someone please answer me.

Lee and i are STILL looking for a house. STILL have not found a place to live. STILL trying to figure out how much we are willing and able to pay and afford.

I'm STILL in school. STILL behind in my reading. STILL behind on my assignments. why?

Lee and I are STILL struggling with Lola. Lola is STILL sick. She is costing us SOOO much money that we don't have, but we don't have the heart to to leave her or give her away. we just can't. But i have this horrible feeling that it isnt the smartest decision i've ever made to care for a sick stray kitten. Am i being a horrible mother? Could this have negative consequences on the baby? I'm STILL freaking out. I can't leave Lola and yet I live in constant worry that i'm endangering the baby. When should i make the executive decision and choose?

What am I to do? Did God send me Lola to care for her bc he knows that i will always love her unconditionally? Did God keep Lee and I looking for a home so that we can live in our perfect dream home yet to be found? Or am i being cursed or punished or something??? Will Lola bring illness to the baby? I pray that she doesn't. Will Lola die? Is she that sick? [i will be devastated] Will Lee and I struggle to make payments or struggle in a flood zone or in a bad area that we didnt know about?

When would God step in? Will he just let things be? and let me keep suffering?

Being away from the one you love

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING. by John Donne

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.


Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

crying all day

wow i'm a stressed out little woman.

Horrible Day

Lola is sick. Lee missed work because he had to call the emergency and talk to vets all night and day and he had to clean his room, bathroom, and downstairs bc the baby made messes[if you catch my drift]. Lee is a truly patient loving man. I dont know many people that would have been able to do that. I feel so terrible. I feel so responsible. I feel like i should have lola with me and i should be giving her love. I have unconditional love for that little kitten, but its Lee that has to deal with her b/c they are in baton rouge and i'm down here. Lee's the one that hasnt gotten any sleep for 2 days. He ate ONCE today at that was at 5PM.

i didnt want this for my husband. I just thought that he would be blessed with a beautiful little girl. But instead lee's miserable. He loves lola and he is doing all he can to keep her happy and healthy, but there is only so much he can do. and if she starts getting sick again [having seizures] he wont be able to take off of work AGAIN to take care of everything. I'm so nervous for him. I'm so scared for lola... If he keeps her in the bathroom and something happens again. what will we do? what will happen to lola next?

There are just so many things going through my head; doesnt help that i had to go to the doctor today to have blood work done, and depending on the results i might have to have an amniocentisis.

Lord, Please help me and my husband and our baby... and of course Lord, please help Lola.

Her name was Lola she was a show girl...

Not in this case: my lola is a 6 month old stray kitten that i found night before last meowing outside my house. She meowed all night, and then the next morning, she jumped through the window and chilled in my house. [ I felt eternally sorry for her, and after class that day, i got my friend alan to put her in Tito's kennel and off we went to the spca. She got her shots and her nails clipped, and we were on our way. [to baton rouge that is] and now Lee is in love with his 'baby'

She's the complete opposite of Tito. where tito doesnt like to be held, Lola loves it. Tito rarely meows and even more seldomly does he purr. Lola doesnt even need to be pet to purr, and loudly. very loudly [ my mom said that lola could have been an opera singer]

Nonetheless, she gorgeous and adorable and irresistable. Lee loves her and wants her and that is his baby girl.

Move over Jillien, Lola has arrived. [i dont mind, i love her too]

The ugliest i've ever been...

I'm not beautiful anymore.
I'm not sexy anymore.
I'm not fun.
I'm not exciting.
I'm not anything.
I'm just deteriorating and looking at myself in the mirror and i'm not attractive one bit.

I feel sorry for lee. I feel sorry for myself.

There is sooo much to do and so little time. Today i have to go to baton rouge to look at houses BUT at the same time i have to pay this lady here in kenner, and she doesnt open till later and i have to buy and send a thank you card so that it reaches the person tomorrow. I really dont htink i'm going to be able to spend the night in baton rouge tonight, but will i be in the mood to drive ALL the way back? i really doubt it.

What should i do? This little old lady gave me a snowball and an icecream bc i didnt have any cash and i PROMISED i would come by today and pay. i really can't go back on my word; she was so generous. And my aunt traci got me a marriage present and some diapers and i have yet sent her a thank you card. That needs to be done now! So where do i go from here?>

Stressful week so far

absolutely no time to type but i'll squeeze out some updates.

I finally registered for the baby and babies r us. I have to do some tweeking this weekend. My mother is throwing me the baby shower in august. Lee made an appointment with a realtor to see houses this weekend. We got our preapproval from the bank. I have a million assignments to do that i left to the last minute! and i got to go!

A year has come and gone

and i never took notice. I've been blogging since June of last year and now its july of 2006 and its soooooooo hard to believe. This blog has been through my engagment with a marine, hurricane katrina, meeting lee, getting pregnant, getting married, and i just keep typing. There have been some that have read since day one. Can you believe how much has changed?

I went from partying CONSTANTLY and just living for No. 1 to staying at home 24/7 and living day by day just trying to get by. I look back in February/ March of this year [when i found out i was preggers] and I barely posted and I was really depressed. I look at the first blogs back in june of 2005 and i was so goofey and young.

Its only been one year, but my whole youth is in this year. Its the only thing that I have of what my daily life was like before all this happened. Its very special.

I'm a lucky girl

whoa! Last night i'm shitting a brick thinking that i have a sociology test first thing in the morning and a research paper due in advanced grammar and a lesson that i had to teach in parallelism due in less than a day. And i'm sure you are telling yourself "Jillien, I'm sure that you have been preparing for these assignments." Well my good friends if you know me at all you know that it was 8 PM last night and i still hadnt done a damn thing. No paper [not even a topic for the paper, i swear!], No studying, No lesson. Nothing! so here i go, cram jillien cram time! and i start studying \for the supposed test i had in sociology. I figured since it comes earliest i should prepare for that one. Maybe later that day i'll be able to do my lesson and research paper. So i study until 11 PM and my eyes wont stay open at all. I turn over and look at lee. we are both half asleep and i tell him i think i might write my paper on grammar lol. and i fall asleep

This morning i went to school and discovered there is no test in sociology. and in fact the next test that we will be taking is the final, AND I'm exempt bc i have an A in the course!!! WHAT! who gets that lucky?!? so that struggle is done NOW for the lesson and research paper. Parallelism type type type... Paper bullshit bullshit bullshit.

4:30-2 hours after i had begun- and i've finished both. Take it its not the best paper i've ever written in my life but its pretty damn good. My lesson is also surprisingly suffecient. I have definitions and examples and exercises and I've finished. I'm home free! UNBELIEVABLE. I read the paper over and i see sooo many things i would like to revise but no time left, gotta go.

I go to class, i do my lesson, and when it comes time to turn in my paper and she says as long as you get it in before wednesday, i wont count it late, in case you didnt bring it today or you wanted to fix something. WHAT WHAT WHAT! how do i get so many breaks in one day?! All I can say is that I'm blessed by God, and I'm so incredibly grateful for his constant mercy and blessings. He must really love me, and he knows that i need just a little extra help right now. God is good.

Those people in your life

Do you ever just sit down and think about past people or a past someone in your life that walked in and out and make such a difference that you still think about them to this day? That person that taught you a little bit more about yourself, or maybe the things you don't like in other individuals and you promise yourself you'll never allow someone to be like that to you again?

Then there are those others that spent so much time in your life and yet didnt make a lick of difference. What were they doing there? [i have several of those]

But finally there are what i like to call "true friends". These people didnt really mold your personality or your character... They really didnt influence much at all, but they were there. They were there and accepting of all your transitions. They were there and caring when you messed up and just needed someone. These true friends sit back and trust you enough to live your own life and have fun with you while you're living it. They have their lives and your have yours and yet every now and again you got to remember to talk to them because those are the ones you never want to let go. [i only have a few of those, but the ones i do have i really do treasure even though it might not seem like it]

early as hell

wow today was a whopper!

I woke up at 6 in the morning to be able to get to work on time from baton rouge [i work in mid city new orleans] so i'm up super early, and i guess because its summer there was barely any traffic and i made it to work a half an hour early. and work today was KILLER and STRESSFUL. i just dont know what to do sometimes.

I truly am tired of working. I'm 20 years old and i'm tired of working. Maybe its my occupation. Maybe its that i hate what i do. but i just DO NOT feel like going there. I get soooo depressed on a sunday thinking that i have work on wednesday. thats how extreme it is.

But i need the extra bit of cash right now. Lee and I really use the help that my small income makes. Its just a little too close to due date to quit and go somewhere else. I really just want to stay home all day and eat and sleep and do homework [well kind of].

I wish that Lee and I were in a better financial position. so that i wouldnt have to work right now. But Lee is so amazing and its not like he doesnt make a good living. Its just that right now we are trying to put our lives together AND get ready for the baby and all of the money we could have enjoyed, we are not enjoying as much.

Happy 4th of July!

i dont even know when the fireworks go off for the fourth... is it at midnight like new years? or is it on july fourth night? no clue.

Well if it was at midnight i missed all the fireworks bc my happy butt was asleep... I hope everyone was safe and still has all of her/his fingers!

Just when you think its going good

You hit rock bottom and you realize that what you thought was a blue sky was really just blue stones. and now your head hurts and your crying and you have dirt up your pants.

:(

question?

If you and your friend had decided to go pick someone up from the bus station at 3 and it was getting really close to 3 and your friend still hadnt gotten there so that you can go together...

Would you go pick up the person by yourself? or

Would you wait, for your friend, [but be pissed about it] and pick up the person super late but together?

I would do the former. Thats just me.

I used to be a puncher

Everytime i would get furious or seriously angry i would just have to hit something or yell at someone or something not nice. Its terrible but it was the only way i could let all of my anger out. Since i met lee i havent. [i've never really had the need] I get angry and then i'm able to let it go, but these past two days have been a challenge for me. I've gotten extraordinarily angry and just had to grit my teeth, and sit there in total pissed off mode. I'm trying to learn to let things go, to not blurt out ugly things just because i'm angry but for some reason it seems to be the only way i can get out all of my anger.

Well right now i'm soooooooooooooooooo pissed off. and i'm just sitting in it. there were an immense amount of things that i wanted to say and i started to let them slip out but i didnt. And as i'm writing this, i'm calming down and i'm happy i didn't say half the shit i wanted to because then it would have made things worse than what they really were.

Brazil JUST NOW lost

against France. France played better and dominated the entire game, but hell... who wants france to win?!?! I'm saddened

I rarely ever post on weekends...

because thats the time that i spend with lee and we usually dont have time to stop and get on the internet. but today has been a really awesome chilled day. We've had a lot to do but for some reason a lot of time to do it. My life is happy right now.