This~ is what I want???

How come it is so difficult to fix oneself?  I mean I've got enough sense that I can see my faults. I know my issues.  I've confronted my demons... good; Now its fixing time!!!  Right?

Wrong. When the opportunity presents itself for me to prove that I've matured or learned from my mistakes,  I slip back into the same behaviors, reactions, thoughts, attitude.  

Its so discouraging, and I can't help but feel extremely disappointed in myself.  

I wonder...

I've always said "People don't quit smoking because they don't want to.  They love smoking... why give up something you love?"

Could the reason that I can't change my behavior be because I like it?  Like i enjoy embracing my sins?

Jeez I hope that's not the case!  

Hard to believe, but all the same its TRUE

So its my favorite time of year. The 40 days after Mardi Gras are much anticipated in my heart. I look forward to Lent as a time to purge myself of things that I love but don't need.

At mass last night the priest challenged everyone to fast... fast from our sins. Usually I give up some favorite food or guilty pleasure, but this year i think that I'm really going to use Lent not only as an opportunity to lose a couple of pounds but to lose some baggage. I could use this time when I, as a catholic, am spending a little more time with self-evaluation to move closer to the ideal.

It always starts out this way, of course. the beginning of Lent is met with zeal and determination. But a few Fridays in a row without chicken nuggets can wear a person down.

Is it just me or does Bill from Tokio Hotel look like a young Cher?

My friend took some pics of us at Endymion. Enjoy

(From left to right: Katie, Jillien, Kim)

(Left to right: Alissa, Jillien, Melanie, Emily)

Camera and Photographs belong to: Melanie

Bells will be ringing...

so everyone I love is getting married. There's plenty of planning and dress buying and color choosing and date sorting... Its all so exciting. I never had a wedding. I just eloped; no one even knew lee and I got hitched until months afterward. lol We're crazy. Anyway, all this wedding bliss had me thinking about if it were me.... What dress would I choose? What would I plan? So here for your viewing pleasure is a taste of my taste:

My IDEAL wedding dress: (Portia de Rossi and Ellen Degeneres wedding)


 If I were feeling rockstar... I would choose something like this: (Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson wedding)

I think that I would have a small wedding party. probably only 3 or 4 girls by my side.  I'd have plenty of food and alcohol and the rest I would just leave to lady luck!

Tag I'm It

Okay so my new blogger friend Alex had this nifty post... Here's the jist: Google your name followed by the word "needs" then list the results. Feel free to jump on board and do it yourself.

[Disclaimer: I have the worst name to google. It ALWAYS yields very little results and its constantly asking me, "Do you mean Jillian?" NO I DON"T MEAN JILLIAN! But they can't hear me when I yell like that! its disturbing... Nonetheless, JilliEn needs didn't receive any hits so i must settle for JilliAn needs...]

JilliAn Needs:

Jillian needs to do something besides her all alone, unrelenting mourning; Its so true. ever since I gave birth I've been mourning the loss of my perky boobs. I should probably talk to someone about it.

Well, the verdict is in - Jillian needs her tonsils and adenoids out; she's trying to sell them on the black market and is looking for a buyer.

Jillian needs to be more hyper; I think Lee would disagree. I practically bounce off the walls around bed time. I wonder why that is?

Jillian Needs Her Baths; Its true hot showers are therapeutic to me in so many ways. I'll even take a shower after I eat because it makes me feel less stuffed. Insane, right?!


Anyways this was fun. Thanks for reading!

Point of View

what is it about people who are always right? Actually its beyond being right... it is coupled with others are always wrong (unless they're in agreement of course).

Is it possible to look at a controversial figure and say, "I don't believe in your cause, but I believe in your belief in that cause. I respect your dedication to the movement. I acknowledge your passion."

I lived with my parents for 21 years. During those 21 years, I was exposed to different philosophies, paradigms, religions and was also taught to respect and tolerate the views of others even if i TOTALLY disagree.

In fact, one of my newest friends holds completely opposing political views than I do. And that's okay.

BUT I also have people in my life-people who are not easily removed- who are not like me or my family. They are judgmental and abrasive. And it tries my patience to the extreme, when having to tolerate their constant belligerence and attacks.

Short Trip: Follow Up

I went to Endymion last night. There were so many people that our phones weren't working. It was insane. We walked such an obnoxious amount that by the end of the night all of my bones hurt! But the general mood of the night was high and everyone, but me, was drunk and were cracking me up! i Left the city at midnight and drove my ass back to BR so that I can sleep in my own bed and be with my family.

Waiting

I'm waiting on Lee to get home so I can travel down to New Orleans.  I'm excited to be spending time with my friends today.  I haven't celebrated Mardi Gras in 2 years! 

but I have to admit I'm pretty nervous.  I scared that I'll be stuck in traffic and then when I finally make it into the city I won't be able to find my way or my friends and I'll end up all alone freaking out and wandering the city.  [that is not an exaggeration... all of that is DEFINITELY possible]

what do you think? Should I just not bother?  The later it gets the more likely the above scenario will occur. And with Lee out training this morning, only the Lord knows when he'll come home, and I can skip out!

Ready, set, go!
Thats what I feel
right now.
enough to make it real
right now.
That's all that counts
and if it were gone
I wouldn't think long
about it
drop it
while it fades
into space
far far and away.

Postpartum Depression is in the In Crowd

My last semester of college I reviewed a sophomore's English term paper on Hamlet. Her thesis was that Hamlet's mother was a sufferer of postpartum depression...ALTHOUGH Hamlet was about 30 years old. Apparently Hamlet's mother had a delayed reaction.

Skip a few weeks: I'm called in to challenge a senior English major's thesis on Shelley's "Frankenstein." One of her points???? you guessed it! Dr. Frankenstein suffered from postpartum depression... EVEN THOUGH Dr. F was a man and did not give birth.

Since then I've heard of so many bizarre postpartum depression cases... next thing I know my kitten Tito will be diagnosed with it.

Someone should invent some sort of take-home test or piss strip. I'm sure that somehow we can link sneezing and body odor to postpartum depression.

One Act One Scene Play:

[2 friends having a phone conversation. Friend one is a married female. Friend two is a single male. They are talking about the Godfather trilogy.]

Friend 1: I'm not too into violent or graphic movies.

Friend 2: Well besides strangulation there aren't a lot of graphic scenes in the Godfather movies.

Friend 1: I don't know.. I just prefer comedies or even romantic comedies over violent action movies.

Friend 2: Yeah I had a girlfriend once that always wanted me to watch romantic comedies like "My Best Friend's Greek Wedding."

Friend 1: Omygoodness

It takes a while

I've been trying to get back in shape. But I'm not very self motivated-- unless you count my burning desire to be da bomb dot com in a swimsuit by summer.... Its what keeps me going, my legs moving, and my ass from sagging!

I wish my trainer were doing another boot camp. It really kicked butt. A hundred push-ups a night, crawling under tables while carrying 10 pound "rifles," sprints. That's what I need: a drill sergeant.

someone yelling at me to keep my fat ass running lol Although I am happy to say that I ran 5 miles today... unfortunately I need to be up to 6 by next Friday. 7 the Friday after that and so on...

Anyway, I guess that's what it is all about. The effort, sweat, and dedication make the success that much sweeter. It doesn't come easy. It's worth something. My fitness will have value.

Inspirazione: Alex

My daughter was 6 days old and still nameless. We hadn't opted to find out her gender and for some reason I think that had a numbing effect on the name choosing process. You think... what happened in the 40 weeks?! We should have been deciding, i suppose. Well we didn't.

She was "Baby W." until the day before she left the hospital.

Lia's full name is Lilia, my grandmother's name and also my older cousin's. It is a kind of superstition in our culture that when you name a child after someone, the child takes on characteristics of the original.

So although my grandmother was an incredible woman- selfless, loving, and beautiful, I still can't help but feel the anxiety of Lia acquiring my grandmother's vices as well. 

Why chance it? If God decides to bless me with more children in the future, they'll have their own names... Not like I'll make up some crazy ass name with a string of vowels in the middle ending with an array of consonants and accent marks, which will probably only be pronounceable by a person with a Ph.D in Pig Latin...  But I'll be creative and choose names that have no ties... no strings attached to anyone in our family.  Maybe some name plucked out of British literature or the Bible or Asian mythology.  

Any ideas?

As You Like It

2:7

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,

-William Shakespeare

I'm feeling that way again

sometimes its hard to be the last on the list of considerations.

Lia of course is top priority, as she should be. Her school, her health, her happiness... It all goes up there right to the front of the line.

Next, comes Lee and his training for the Ironman.  This household works around his training schedule.  If i've had it up the forehead with Lia and need a break but Lee has to run his daily quota... trust me my ass is going to have to put up with it.

then comes me.  And although it is a natural position to be in, sometimes I feel like skipping right to the front--like Senior Privilege in high school. Every now and again, I feel that I may have put my happiness and sanity on the back burner to propel everyone else's.  

Maybe I'm just feeling that way right now. I'll probably edit this post in a couple of hours once I've had some time to chill and have gained a more objective perspective.  

Got that Hold on Me

Absolutely the first thing

I think about

When my mind comes back from 

dreaming of you

right after you were the last thought before I slept

following a day of you inspired visions

That was immediately

Preceded by waking thoughts of you.

Flash backs

Okay so all weekend i've been having flashbacks from Friday night.

I remember dancing honky-tonk style with an older gentleman.... I remember dancing to "She Bangs She bangs'' by Ricky Martin at some point. I also remember, unfortunatly, another gentleman named Gus running toward the stage and then turning around to power slide toward me.

Its all coming back. Is there a way to suppress these memories? Maybe some type of chemical indused amnesia?

Visually Unappealling

Simmer down
low down
underground,
perhaps... if you think that'll help.
No use thinking
things,
impossible things--
greener things
strings
attached
no use cutting
no use running--
just yet.
Is it always this way?
Or is there a day
coming
where the world will seem
brighter
lift me higher
filled with cheer
no more fear
or regret
don't fret.
Maybe it's almost here.

Going Down

I'm heading to New Orleans today for a kid's party. This has been my routine for about 3 months now. I don't think I have spent a full week at home since after Thanksgiving.

I love my family. I love my hometown of New Orleans, but I also love chilling, not having to pack up all my things as if i were taking a trip to mexico (because even though new orleans isn't ridiculously far away... when you are traveling with children, you have so much extra to pack for the "just in case" scenario).

Baton Rouge happens to be just far away that you must pack up to go down and just close enough that everyone expects you to make the commute. "It only takes an hour!" Well with the lane closures on the interstate, the constant traffic, and speeding traps by the cops... it is a stressful hour to hour and a half (if you're lucky) its more like 2 hours to get where I'm going, usually.

Also, its currently Mardi Gras season down here and there are plenty of extra commuters and visitors in the city. Always FUN!

But once I'm there, its worth it. I miss it. It is where I was born and reared and where I hope to return one day (although Lee swears he will NEVER live in New Orleans ever again... and he has his reasons, which I must concede are pretty valid).

So I'm emotionally preparing myself for the trip today. Wish me luck. I hope to be back in BR by tonight!

Great night with a new friend

Had an "attitude adjustment" with Bueno.

What an awesome night!

Apparently Friday's are karaoke night at Daiquiris Cafe, 

and we met so many wonderful and interesting people.

It is so great to meet a person who you connect with on such a human level, as I feel I have with Bueno.  

Even better, earlier in the night, I had dinner with Amy and Bueno....Amy whom Lia just loves and can't get enough of saying her name.

All in all, great Friday.   Praise God for friends.

JM

Facebook Questionnaire

The results were pretty accurate... almost too accurate. 

----->See my Personality Profile<--------

E.H. you inspire me.

"When we are whom we are called to be we will set the world ABLAZE!"- St. Catherine of Siena

Its Late

... and I'm making valentines for my daughter's Pre-K2 class. They are having their party. My daughter happens to go to a Catholic pre-school, which is perfect considering that we're all Catholics.

Well, this week I baked a cake for my family celebrating the feast day of St. Valentine because it is a beautiful day to remember to Love. Remember that God is Love. Remember that Jesus called us to love as he loves. It is NOT a day to commemorate jewelers or to worship one another, or to be upset when we didn't get the engagement ring or any of that ridiculous crap.

Anyway, back to my valentines....

Lia picked out (honestly) Kung Fu Panda St. Valentine's Day cards! I kept trying to put the girly ones in her face, but she wanted nothing to do with them. She's never even seen Kung Fu Panda!

Well to add a personal touch I started roving through my bible to get love scriptures to put on the backs of her cards. Which led me to look up love quotes from Pope John Paul II and other Saints....

I can't tell you how much grace these individuals had that just to read words they once uttered or scribbled on paper pierce you! They humble you with their purity and truth.

I have truly drifted.

How to start the day

Its 8AM.

I'm finishing my plate of blueberry pancakes.

blogging-

while listening to Elmo's World in the other room.

I'm debating whether I should clean this dirty, disgusting house 

OR

Finish my book.

I'm leaning toward the latter.

Last One Standing

You know that horrible anxious feeling, when you're the last one to respond to a comment or question?    No sense of affirmation or understanding.  Just words... like throwning pebbles into a still lake and never hearing a splash.  

Update three years in the making

This is a post from 12/05. Its about an old friend of mine from ICS. Check it out: ----> Click HERE! <-----


Anyways, I had lunch with Jason several months ago. He brought that friendship ring with him. I accidentally brought it home with me and its been in my jewelry box for ages now. I've tried getting in touch with him since and haven't been able to. I don't know why, but I haven't heard from him... Well now I wonder if it's my turn to keep it for a decade? That would be insane.

I've totally got to figure it out

There are so many things to be stressed about. Money, parenting, money, and did i mention money yet?

I know... I'm preaching to the choir. At this tumultuous time, everyone is concerned with his or her finances. It is a very personal concern and while empathy is nice and all, everyone is looking out for #1 right now.

Lia has me worried. Not because of anything she does... she's only 2 and her behavior is a reflection on my child rearing. I reckon I need to do some self evaluating.

Lee and I have decided to find her a full time school. So its time for me to get serious about finding employment. Its hard putting yourself out there.

And all the other things bouncing around in my mind.... Its a bit much. I find it overwhelming at times. Too many thoughts.

Breakfast at Tiffany's... more like Snack at IHOP

I'm the worst drinker on the face of the planet.

There are people in the world that should never drink, and I happen to be one of them. It goes downhill very quickly. Its hard to act like a lady when the room is spinning and you're hyperventilating just to keep yourself from throwing up all over the place.

I try to dress and act like a lady to the best of my abilities. (Although there are times when my westbank comes out!)

I wonder if Audrey Hepburn ever threw up in her husbands car?
or
Has Grace Kelly ever wobbled around the Ritz Carlton foyer while waiting on the valet?

I highly doubt it.

Its all I have

I hear it first
rolling around in the deepest recesses of my soul.
The sound of pure expression and emotion.
It's there-
Always gently nudging the edges of my being.
Acutely aware of its presence,
My mind begins to gather its chaotic flailing.
Words.
I assign to it words.
And pushed down by heavy breaths
And controlled contractions,
It builds.
My heart is free and clear.
And while everything around me begins to fade
The vibrancy of the sound is too real.
It is not perfect.
It is me.
Me in my most untarnished form.
And in my most personal way,
I let it out.
I open up and pour it out-
For those interested enough to hear.

Stopping me

Guiding me through confused and hazy times
were  your words and empty lines
into dangerous and lonely spaces
tumbling through forbidden places.

Moving

In an Anti-FOCA group... this was a comment made by Kelly Morrison regarding our new president:


"Regarding Obama: I trust God to allow/place a man in a position like this. If God wanted someone else in that position, He would have made sure it happened. For whatever reason, Obama is our president at this time and place. I may not agree with everything he says or does HOWEVER I trust God to have a purpose for Obama just as I trust Him to have a purpose and a love for each of us. I pray for our president. I pray for his family. I pray for the decisions he is making and will have to live with .... as will we. Rather than send negative energy out towards Obama, why not shower --- deluge --- heaven with prayers on his behalf. Pray that Holy Spirit speaks to his heart and his mind. Pray blessings on President Obama and his family. God can turn the heart of a king...."

Why do i do this to myself?

So I haven't been feeling very well.  I'm not sleeping good at night, and consequently, I'm exhausted all day!  but instead of going to bed early.  instead of relaxing and taking it easy all day. I venture out in the blistering cold.  Go to the book store... Look around.  Don't see what I'm looking for... Go to another book store... Purchase The Luxe... come home and at 10PM I'm about to begin a new book.  

Today should have gone like this:  Pick up Lia from school.  Stay indoors.  Go to bed when lia goes to bed.   Nice recovery day.

Instead I'm dying because I didn't get a run in, and I'm going to have to make up for it double time.  I'm blogging at 10 when I should be sleeping.  I'm eating when I should be drinking.  

Am I trying to sabotage myself?

In denial

I'm sick.  My nose is running while simultaneously not allowing me to breathe; I'm coughing up stuff;  I have a head ache; and the list goes on.

But there is no allowance for me to be sick. No matter how sick i am, i still need get out of bed, cook, clean*(not that i do much cleaning when i'm healthy either)

Anyway, the point is that even when sick this house must still go on.  Lee's still go to work, and i'm the one that takes care of Lia.  

So I refuse to mentally succumb to the sickness.  Although my symptoms are to the point where its impossible to ignore. 

Running

is misery.

He won!

Georges destroyed BJ Penn last night.  No other words would describe the fight better than:

He handed Penn an ass whooping.

JM