I feel like sharing

I feel like sharing what I'm reading.

First, there's a book called Worship Matters that my worship leader invited the band members to read with him. As a band, we are discussing the assigned chapters weekly. I'm a few chapters in and the honesty in the book is amazing. Very good read for anyone who needs to check his heart and see who/what he is truly worshipping

Then there's The City of Ember. I've just started, but it seems like an interesting young reader type book.

Also I'm reading Original Intent about the Founding Father's original intent when creating the constitution and what role they felt Christianity held for us as a nation. Did they ever intend this war on Christianity that we see now in our nation? From reading the writing of most of our founding fathers, I can definitively say NO.

Then last night I cracked open The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan. This is a spin-off of his Percy Jackson series, which I absolutely LOVED. I opened "The Lost Hero" and couldn't put it down! I have a feeling that I'm going to become totally engulfed in this series in no time.

Last and potentially least, is The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks. It's good, not great. A thriller with bits of sentimental romance. It's entertaining, but easily put down and not picked back up. (In my opinion)

Here's a list of books that I have checked out of the library and are in a neat stack on my desk:

Destiny of the Republic: A Tale of Madness, Medicine and the Murder of a President

Girl in Translation-->this one's for my book club. It's due May 15th. I've gotta get reading!

Rise to Greatness:Abraham Lincoln and America's Most Perilous Year

The Aviary

If you've read any of these books and want to share how you liked them, leave a comment below :D

The Subject/Verb Disagreement rant

So there are a lot of grammatical pet peeves out there in cyber space. Most people post about the misuse of They're, There, and Their, or another common point of contention is the misuse of it's and its.

But I feel there is not enough public outcry against the subject/verb disagreement--a major grammatical error that could strip you of an entire letter grade by its mere appearance in your paper.

Listen up folks. If someone says something, he or she says it, ok!??! Not they! Someone is a single person--not a group. If anyone or no one or everyone or somebody or anybody does anything, he or she is doing it.

Does everyone have their subjects and verbs agreeing? (nope, wrong)
Everyone in this class has an A because he or she learned subject/verb agreement.

Next class we'll talk about split infinitives :) jk

Feel free to share, if you have any grammatical pet peeves or linguistic ones.

I once had a friend who...

I once had a friend in grade school who was a brilliant artist. Looking back on it now she was probably a genius. We were just children drawing stick figure people, and box homes, and animals that were just elongated ovals with stumps for legs. But not her. She would draw horses so real that you could see the wind shift the mane along their long powerful necks. She would draw faces so vivid you could see the laughter in eyes comprised of hundreds of tiny dots alone--entire worlds that she would quite literally "dot" into existence.

 We grew up and grew apart, but years later I asked her if she still drew, and she said not so much. I was just in high school at the time, but I remember the world growing grayer. It was just another beautiful thing that I had thought was eternal, which simply crumbled into the sea (Ps 46).

As I'm sitting here, I wonder what God had intended for her to do with that gift. She probably thought it of no consequence, whether she drew or didn't. When she put down her drawing pencils and pens, I can imagine her thinking to herself "what difference would it make if I ever drew again?..."

Sometimes our gifts seems so....unimportant, small, meaningless, powerless. Not everyone can swim as fast as Michael Phelps or sing as beautifully as Celine Dion. We're not all amazing speakers like Martin Luther King Jr., or funny and smart like Bill Cosby. We're not as brave as Joshua, or as faithful as Abraham, or as wise as Solomon. I can go ON and ON and ON! Sometimes I look at my own gifts and think, where in the world do I fit in? Where am I powerful? Where in my life do my gifts make a difference, and I don't mean little things here or there, but earth shattering, world changing differences? No where really.

I've always had something to say. Always some issue I felt deeply about. Always a book bringing me to new worlds. Always a song to sing. And I've always had words. Words flowing from the world around, grasped gently by my mind, and printed with care on any page I could find.

I look at this blog filled with almost a decade's worth of my life in writing and I sometimes think, why did I write all this? Who cares? What difference did it make? So I wrote yet another poem... big whoop.

Then there are other times that I look at this blog and think to myself, WOW! I can't believe I recorded so many of my thoughts. I'll read a poem and remember exactly where I was in my life when I wrote that, and I'll feel all the same feelings as I did then.

God inspires me to write, I just know it. Sometimes I can't help but to tap out another verse or poem or thought. I'm not saying that any of it is any good, but it's me.

I am reminded of David, who was a shepherd, lowly job- not glamourous or powerful by any means- but because of his work as a shepherd he had to fight bears and other wild beasts. And those battles prepared him to win the first great battle of his young life against Goliath the giant Philistine.
That humble beginning and against-the-odds victory were what propelled a young shepherd boy into a war hero, and ultimately into a KING!

I don't know what all my writing means to the world, but one can only imagine what it means to God.

It's the sound

It's the sound of
No one being awake but me.
It's the sound of
The dry, well-thumbed pages turning.
It's the sound of
The walls and floor settling themselves
That make my heart still,
My mind come alert,
My soul decompress.
There are days that I wake
Just for the world to sleep.
There are seasons
That I live among others
Desperately yearning solitude.
This is that moment.
And those are the sounds.

Ps 20

I fall short,

Always.

The mark missed

By such great margins,

As if I'm running to catch

The Sun,

Father God.

My words--

My deadliest weapon,

Skillfully honed

And expertly drawn.

My biggest strength

Is my biggest vice,

Dear Lord.

I am a warrior princess,

Daughter of the Most High King,

Who fights on both sides

Of the battlefield,

My Liege. 

I am a most unworthy subject,

One guilty of treason

One guilty of murder

Of adultery

Of greed and envy

All by using my words--

Like a sword melded with rhetoric,

Slicing and searing both friend and foe, 

My King.

Why would you ever grant me a hearing?

I who have betrayed and hurt you,

Should receive no mercy,

And yet...

My dearest Father,

I can still feel your love.

The Time I Caught the Sun

blame-it-on-the-moon-Painting of Angels-Nik Helbig

I came across a bird resting from flight.
Her tiny chest fluttering with the restlessness
That comes only from having had the Wind
As a companion for most of one's life.

"Come to me little one," I said to the Bird,
"Come little bird and help me catch the Sun."

"I caught the Sun once," She said to me.
"But she cried large golden tears, and I let her go."

I then walked upon a cat lounging in dappled light.
Its strong, lean paws crossed below his head
That was held high and alert--
Curious of my scent and suspicious of my intentions.

"Come to me swift one," I said to the Cat.
"Come to me and help me catch the Sun."

"I chased the Sun once," He said to me.
"But she wailed so loudly that I stopped my pursuit."

My search went on and on, but no one would help me.
So, I chased and caught the Sun on my own.
And she cried her big, hot tears.
And she wailed her sad, desperate sobs.

But I never did let Her go.
And the World all around grew dark.
And the Day turned to endless night.
And the Sky became sad and empty.

Not for me, though.
I kept the Sun close by.
And I never did feel cold again
or Dark or Small or Weak.

But the Sun never spoke,
And no one ever came close.
And  I never did feel love again
or Mercy or Hope or Peace.

Retaliation

I told you that I hate it
So you chose to love it more.
I told you that I wanted peace
So you prepared for war.
I told you that I couldn't stand
Your helplessness galore
So you responded with more of the same,
And I can't take it anymore.

Rebuke

Like tiny little demons
Clutching at my soul,
Like evil hungry spirits
Reaching out for more,
Like angry lustful tempters
Preparing themselves for war,
I am flailing through my life--
Wondering how to free my world
From these urges and constant tremblings,
From these ugly spirits's assemblings,
From this dark and hateful menacing
So I can start to be a blessing.
I yearn to be transformed
To rebuke all that has scorned
And polluted and has torn
The narrow pathway to the Lord.
So I can be a light
And not a darkness and a blight
So I can be mansion
Built on granite
So I can be a blueprint
And on me you can plan it.
And be proud to be my friend
And be glad the time we spend
With great faith, and hope and Love
Until we reach the very end.

quotes of late--The Lia edition.

Lia: "Actually he said, 'I wish I were older." Which means old.eeeeerrrrrr"

Lia while we're driving in the car listening to music: "This woman on the radio sings good."
Me: "Yes she does!"
Lia: "You sing good too. When are they going to put you on the radio?"

Me: "I can't believe the flowers grew back!"
Lia: "I think Jesus is great!"
Lia: "at growing flowers"

I suppose all I needed was...

A little self-reflection.

Soon after writing my last post, admitting my complete failure at devoting myself to Christ as I had planned to do this Lent, I picked up my bible--something I haven't done in months.

This bible is tattered and torn, highlighted, underlined, creased, and thoroughly thumbed through all in my quest for salvation and understanding. Yet its disuse was evident, perhaps not by an outsider, but completely apparent in my heart and attitude. I opened it up for the first time in such an incredibly long time and flipped through the pages; bright yellow, green and pink catching my eye as the pages quickly flipped back and forth--highlights of favorite passages that had gotten me through the toughest times in my  life.

I felt like I was rekindling a relationship with a friend long lost. I felt shame and guilt. I felt excitement--you know that kind of excitement when you suddenly remember a story about a friend you once had.

And then the truth hit me. I had replaced my bible with other novels. I had replaced the time I spent reading my bible with reading romances, fantasies, histories, biographies and anything else I could get my  hand on.

See I know in my heart that God doesn't want me to stop reading books and building my library. He gave me a passion for reading and learning for a reason. But what I also know is that I cannot allow those other passions to replace my God in my life. He is my first love, and I must always remember to make Him first in my life.

So I've started a bible study to take me through the rest of Lent. We're reading through Matthew, and I've decided to double up my reading until I've caught up.  I know, I know... it's not good to take on too much, and I agree that I don't want to get burned out, but I also know that I NEED to follow through with at least one commitment.

Finally, my friends, I ask for your prayers and encouragement.

Ps 118:24
 This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

My Lenten Failure

Lent is one of my favorite times of the year. For those of you who don't know what Lent is, it is the 40 days leading up to Easter.  It's an amazing time because during the Church calendar, this is a very purposeful time. Traditionally people choose to give up something for Lent, like chocolate or soda, for the duration of the 40 days. But there's a new trend to DO something extra for Lent, like extra prayer or service.

I always enter Lent with a goal. One year I'll give up fast food; another, I'll give up all fried food (being from Louisiana, this is VERY difficult), but this year I wanted my Lenten promise to transform me. I wanted to pray and meditate more. I wanted to fast. I wanted to be born again after 40 days of conscientious recommitment to the Lord.

But I feel that this year I have truly failed. I entered Lent feeling empty and now 2 weeks in, I'm still empty.  I've not read my bible. I've barely fasted, and always in the back of my head I'm thinking, "tomorrow I'm going to start." Then tomorrow comes, and I'm distracted with unpacking my house, and cleaning my apartment, and getting over my cold, and planning a baby shower, and worrying about my various church commitments and all the while, I'm running on E.

I'm ready to be on fire again for the Lord. I'm constantly reminded of the early church. The church in Acts and beyond. The people, those green Christians, that transformed the world. Jesus transformed them, but then they through love, generosity, grace, mercy, evangelism, and passion started time over again. The world stopped and began again. A new age. The A.D. era.

Imagine if all Christians today had that same fire for Christ. What kind of era would we usher in?

I need that fire.

It has to be better than last time

Almost three years ago,  my family and I moved to Raleigh, NC from Baton Rouge, LA.

We were so incredibly unprepared for the move that we just threw all of our belongings into the truck. No boxes, no bags, just chucked it back there and wished for the best.

I was advised TODAY that I close on Friday. That means that in the next 2 days, I've gotta get ready to move, and I'm terrified it's gunna be a hot mess like last time.

But if I could just get 75% of my belongings in a box, then it'll be an improvement!

Thinking

Do you ever think about it?
The how's
And what's
And why's about it?
The why'd it ever start
And how we ever stopped with all of it?

Love thine enemy (retry)

It might as well say, "Gouge thine eyes" how difficult I find its concept and its application.

There are some common enemies that are easy to say we hate or are trying to "love" the evil right out of--corrupt politicians and world leaders, mass murderers, serial killers, child abusers, the list goes on...

But what about those enemies in our personal lives? That individual whom just the thought of makes your blood boil. Whom you imagine arguing with and winning! or think of a witty comeback 3 days too late! "Man I wish I would have told him this.....!@#$%"

In all reality that person may not be as bad as the late Osama Bin Laden, but the emotion toward him or her is 10x what you feel for some evil stranger.

What am I getting at??!?!

Hmmm

I guess my point is it's easy to say you love your enemies, when you don't have to run into them at the family get together every Sunday or have to hang out with him or her because you have the same friends.

But putting that type of love into practice is much more difficult, and I'm only now accepting this lesson into my life.

For a long time, if you were my 'enemy,' I would simply cut you out of my life. But recently I've started reaching out to those people--trying to integrate them into my life once again. Or just trying to get along. Attempting to find redeeming qualities, in what I usually see is a sea of distasteful ones.

Sometimes I feel so fake because it is as if I'm feigning fondness that isn't there, but like I always say, "You gotta fake it, till you make it." And I'm confident that if I keep trying, I'm going to love my enemy into friendship.

As you could probably tell...

From my most depressing late night poem that this new year did not induce happy, excited feelings from me at all. I was reading my facebook, watching tv, and noticing everyone is so excited for the year to come, for the celebration at midnight.

I. was. not.

The Peter Pan in me kept repeating "you're getting old." "you're gunna die one day, and it's fast approaching." "your little girls are growing up..."

And man lemme tell ya, I was getting pretty depressed.

But days have passed, and life went on as usual. And without the huge celebration of passing time, I'm feeling more myself.

I suppose it might stem from this incessant feeling that I've not done all that I was capable of accomplishing. That there could have been more to me and more to my life than what I have.

** And inevitably someone will point out everything wonderful and good and say that I must be grateful. And I am grateful, but is it so bad to be honest and admit that it isn't enough?

In an hour

In an hour
The world starts over--
Fresh ideals
Fresh resolutions
With the same old resolve.
In an hour
Another tally mark is placed on my life's slate
Another day is taken off the bottom
And I'm an hour closer to another milestone.
In an hour
I'll be just as I am now
But changed
In realizing that time,
Time,
Time is tick tocking relentlessly toward my final melodious note--
The pages turning toward the last word in my final chapter.
And I'm left with the urgent need to make something happen.
In an hour,
I'll embrace my loves
And pray that time stands still.
And in an hour
That prayer will go unanswered.

The Maid Service Double-Standard Reality Check

So for Christmas, my dear husband purchased me a groupon for a one time house cleaning from a local maid service. And before all the ladies start rolling their eyes, you must understand that I am probably the world's worst housekeeper. I'm a stay at home mom who on MOST days lifts not a finger toward cleaning, picking up after herself, or anyone else, to be honest. His gift of this house cleaning was really to "let me off the hook" so to speak. I desperately want a clean house, but rarely have the energy and desire to make that happen. 

But I've been feeling compelled to change this bad and slothful behavior of mine. I want to set an example to my children of cleanliness, responsibility, and order. And I'm committed to allowing this cleaning to jump start me into the New Year--starting off with a clean slate.

The maid service came today to clean my house. She was here for 3 hours and cleaned a ton and still couldn't get every surface. There was just too much dirt. 

Paying someone to clean my home really made me look at the state of my home. I was double checking her work (not in a haughty way, but in a curious as to how it looks-kinda-way), and I even cleaned some surfaces that she wasn't able to get to.

I mean Superman probably wouldn't have been able to clean my whole house in 3 hours, regardless of being faster than a speeding bullet. 

This process of going over her work and noticing the left over surfaces that she couldn't get to made me realize that the standard I used for myself is much lower than the standard I held for her.

And reflecting on that tonight, I'm realizing that I hold almost everyone in my life to higher expectations and standards than I demand of myself. 

I demand so much from those around me, and yet feel less than inclined to reciprocate or set an example through my own behavior. 

This has to change. If I want respect from my children, I need to show respect.

If I want my baseboards cleaned a certain way, I better get to setting the example.

If I want to be paid attention to, I need to start paying attention to others.

This unbalanced way of leading my life needs to be checked. It's an unfair double-standard, and I'm ashamed of it.

Newtown

Is anyone safe?
Anyone?
From the wild machinations of mad men?
The loud banging
Of extinguished souls
Forever seared in the
Tramautized minds
of lucky(?) survivors.
And what of us?
What of us fellow Americans,
Fellow fathers and mothers,
Fellow men and women,
Fellow human beings?
How do we help convince you
That there's life after these deaths?
How do I help you remember that
God is good?
How can I comfort you in
God's justice?
Where would I be?
What would I do,
If I were you?
Could I ever smile again?
Could I ever laugh or hope?
Could I ever worship or praise?
Should I?
An imbittered hardened heart
That should beat only for the Lord
Stops mid-beat.
And only God can make it
Thump
Once more.

My Dying Muse

What happened to the girl filled with rhyming words,

Who saw the world through verse and prose--

That loved the edges where reality blurred

Where in her lines the world she froze. 

She let them slip through her disused fingers

Her writing all but obsolete

And the worlds she built simply linger

In a moribund reality she can barely see.

Where did the words go, she wonders.

Where did my expressive passion hide?

When will I find my elemental lovers

With which I sculpted paradise in my mind?

I Remember You

Strangers lost in far off places

Left behind with nare a thought

Passing quickly with unrecognizable faces

Memories for which no one fought

Science with Lia--Light

We learned about light today.

We learned that ordinary, white light is actually made up of many colors! We made this cool color wheel and spun it on a string to show how all the colors blend together and how your eye can't pick out any one color in particular!

Then we read The Magic School Bus Makes a Rainbow to really drive home the point that white light is made of different colors, and when those colors come together it becomes while light again. Really great story!

But then I confused her royally when we talked about light bending. We used water and oil to show how the light bends and makes the noodle* look broken. As you remember a few days ago we did a density experiment with water and oil. So she got really confused what we were talking about when I introduced water, oil, air, light, noodles, and bending. Just TMI for my baby girl. But it was cool nonetheless. I had her draw observe the glasses from different angles and draw what she saw. 

Left: Noodle in Water. Center: Noodle in Oil. Right: Noodle in Water and Oil. 

*The experiment called for straws, of which I have none! Noodles worked just as well I suppose. Although we did NOT achieve the result instructed in the book for the oil and water combination. Supposedly the "straw" was supposed to look broken in 2 places. As you can see on the right, it only looked broken once.

Salt Dough Ornaments

So I'm still on my mission to be a more "hands-on" mom. Tonight we made ornaments for our tree.

Set oven to 200F
Then we mixed 1c of all-purpose flour
1/2c salt
~3/4c of water

We rolled it out with our rolling pin and used our Christmas cookie cutter shapes.

Here's the aftermath:

Even Maggie wanted to join in on the fun:

W

We baked them for what seemed an eternity (about 3 hours) then I flipped them over for about another hour. Then came the fun part: paint and glitter!

I asked Lee if he were purposefully trying to make the ugliest ornaments ever! 

Lia's Creations!

These were mine- minus the pink tri-heart at the top. That was lee's.

Homemade Baby Food cont...

So I mustered the courage and pureed my chicken dinner!

This is before:

This is what it looked like after:

I used the baby bullet that my husband and older daughter gave me for Christmas last year, and it worked really well!

The consistency is a little gritty and the color very pale. I don't know how to fix that! But I'm going to keep trying and researching how to get a better consistency with chicken.

But Maggie ate it up just the same! So I must not have done too poorly.

Here's what I did:

I roasted a 3-4 lbs turkey in the oven stuffed with lemon, onion, sage, thyme, rosemary, and apples. I lined the pan with carrots, celery, apples, lemons, onions, and potatoes. (425 degree oven, 1/4 turn of the pan every 20 mins, for about an hour to an hour 20mins. I cover with foil for the most part of cooking and right when it's almost done, I remove the foil to crisp the skin.)

Once it was done, I stuck it in the fridge, and didn't get the courage to puree it until the next day.

I put 1/2 the breast, potatoes, apples, and carrots in the blender. (I cut up extra apples and carrots and put them in with the cooked ones) Poured plenty of water and PUREED!

I kept adding water as I needed to achieve the creamiest texture I could.

The end :)

Homemade Baby Food

Let me start out by saying that I have been trying to make all of Maggie's baby food from home using organic or all natural ingredients. I haven't been as consistent as I wanted when I started this venture, but I feel like I'm finally getting my groove.

Anyway my friend Chrissy, fellow blogger and mommy of two, gave me this wonderful and EASY idea!

I milled some old fashioned oats (of which I always have in stock and in abundance!), milled it into a fine powder and cooked it till it was nice and smooth. (You can make bigger batch to reserv for other meals) I let it cool and mixed with apple sauce. VOILA!  A hearty, homemade, easy breakfast for my little peanut. And she LOVED it. I couldn't believe how much she ate.  This meal cost me pennies! I always have these ingredients on hand.

I also baked her a chicken dinner consisting of all organic chicken, potatoes, apples, herbs, lemons celery, carrots, and onion. But how in the world am I suppose to puree this!!!!! 

Anyway, once I've figured it out, I'll let you know how it went. Wish me luck!

Science with Lia-- Alka-Seltzer lava lamp

I am in no way a creative mom, but I LOVE to learn new things and science is particularly interesting. I stumbled across a blogger who home schools her children, and she is always doing amazingly fun experiments and projects. It really inspired me to find more resources, blogs, websites, books on experiments that I can do at home.

We did some salt experiments a few days ago. CLICK HERE to read that post.They were easy, fast to do, and a perfect introduction to the world of home learning. 

Tonight we did another experiment. Here's how it went.

We started by pouring oil into a bottle about 2/3's full. (it would look cooler if we had more oil and less water. more like 3/4 oil to 1/4 water. Incase you want to try it at home)

Then we filled it the rest of the way with water and observed how the oil and water don't mix. We also noted that the water sank to the bottom and the oil floated on top. (water is more dense than oil)

Then Lia put food coloring, drop by drop, and noticed how each drop sank to the bottom.

The food coloring didn't mix with the oil, but once it reached the water at the bottom, the color mixed pretty quickly.

Then came the fun part. We broke apart a couple of alka-seltzer tablets and dropped them in. (The tablets released carbon dioxide gas and sent blue bubbles into the oil) Click play on the video to see our lava lamp in action!!

 Last we screwed on the top tightly and made waves! FUN :)

Salt Science with Lia

We observed the effect salt has on ice tonight. Being from the Deep South I am not very familiar with ice and cold weather. So tonight as I am explaining to my daughter that people who live in very cold climates pour salt on the roads when they've iced over and why, I was feeling out of my comfort Zone.

Needless to say I learned a thing or two tonight as we watched the salt basically eat through the ice. I was shocked! Haha i was probably more impressed than Lia was!

But we weren't done with the salt yet! Observe our gorgeous salt paintings!

The worst part of me

You taught me
The worst part of me.
How to be and stay angry.
How to scream
And how to yell
How to beat
And how to dwell
On all the imperfect and
Inconvenient traits
Of those I love and those I hate.

Delve

GMO Corn, you son of a....!

For a latina who eats corn tortillas at almost every meal, the discovery that 198% of corn is genetically modified and is surely going to kill me slowly and painfully has me really reevaluating my life.

And it's not just my corn, but the sugar I use to sweeten my oatmeal, my cereal, my baked goods, my coffee, and tea.

The high fructose corn syrup in ALL of my prepackaged sweets and soft drinks.

My edamame.

My cereal.

My frozen veggies

My life has become genetically modified, and I am not pleased.

So I've adjusted by replacing all of my food with organic food that only cost 500x's more than conventional foods, but I feel is totally worth it because I'm paranoid that I'll grow a third arm due to the exorbitant quantity of corn tortillas I've ingested.

Add this to my all natural cleaners, my organic milk, organic cheese, organic eggs, organic flour, organic beans, organic butter, etc...
Because I'm eliminating rBGH, steroids, antibiotics, food coloring, waxes, pesticides, and Lord only knows what else!

It's just disgusting that one has to take so much care and spend so much money to get normal, natural produce. I mean what the hell!?!??!?!?

Anyway, here's a cool guide that you can print out and take to the grocery with you to help you avoid purchasing GMO food!
-->CLICK ME<-->

A failing mom

I find that ever since Maggie was born my patience with my older daughter has been so little that it's barely existent. Tonight was the single worst night of my life as a parent. I completely flipped my lid on Lia. I feel like Lia has received the short end of the stick when it comes to my patience, attention, humor, gentleness, enthusiasm, you name it, and I've neglected it with regard to her--for the last SEVEN months.

This is what I feared most about having multiple children--that inevitable favoring or better treatment of one child over the other. And what makes it worse is that you feel it in your soul. Everything about your interaction is feigned. It's like you're trying so hard to be patient or kind with one when it comes so easily with the other.

I rationalize by telling myself that I'm like this because Maggie's just a baby and perhaps she just sucks up so much of my attention and warmth that I'm drained by the time Lia comes around. And perhaps it's true, but that doesn't excuse how harsh I can be toward Lia. She's just a little girl too, and I'm completely convinced that this is a critical period in Lia's life and I'm totally messing her up.

I need to pray more. I need God to intervene. I need to fill myself up with so much of his love and grace that I'm overflowing like a fountain and covering both of my girls!

Tomorrow Lia and I had planned a mommy/ daughter date, and I hope it goes well. But I once read this quote that said something like "you can't damage your relationship with your child with one bad day, but you can't fix a relationship with only one good day." And I totally agree. If tomorrow goes perfectly well, it will only be one day-a drop in the bucket- compared to the many bad days!

Rise, Let Us Be On Our Way

I'm currently reading "Rise, Let Us Be On Our Way," by Blessed John Paul II. He wrote this with the intended audience of his bishops. Men that govern and serve diocese around the world--leaders of the Church. He goes into minute detail over several traditions, symbolic practices, artifacts and customs within the Church--all that seem to have had profound emotional meaning to him. 

I can sense his deep respect and connection to these rituals, but his most poignant commentary is when he deflects from the official churchiness of something and just communicates universally on the calling to be a leader in the Church, the expectations of a leader, the qualities of a person whose aim is to guide his congregation to salvation and even those outside of his congregation--those who have yet to accept Christ--into the loving and just arms of God. 

Having once been a student of the Catholic religion, I have first hand experience with the traditions and customs that come with being a Catholic, even as simple as genuflecting before entering your pew and when to appropriately make the sign of the cross, when to stand, kneel, sit, etc, and I've observed and studied the traditions and symbolic acts of the priests, the nuns, the arch-bishops, and even the pope himself! 

Our lives as Catholics are like carefully choreographed dances--each move a symbolic act of some ancient milestone in our faith that we must routinely perform lest we forget the significance of those early revelations and veer off the righteous path toward damnation. 

What's my point?!?!?!

My point, I suppose, is that God's love is our only salvation. That regardless of what tradition we may practice, when we feel deeply the love of God--enough to allow it to penetrate our every cell so that it transforms us into people who love others no matter what--then whether I genuflect, or cross myself, or celebrate the Eucharist every Sunday or practice any other routine, tradition, or custom that inevitably creeps into all churches (because we as humans crave routine and familiarity) we are universally saved through Christ's blood. BECAUSE I am now completely convinced that not a single Christian denomination can have the full, complete, and perfect expression of faith. Because we as people are not full, complete, and perfect practitioners of faith. Because we as humans are incapable of knowing the fullness of truth without the Spirit's revelation. 

I find that once upon a time had someone criticized Catholicism for its customs I would have lashed out with my defensive guns ablaze. (And to be honest, I do still find myself defending this religion wholeheartedly from attack stemming from ignorance and intolerance--even from other Christians.) But  having stepped away these several years, I can see how and why these ancient rituals seem archaic, redundant, and unnecessary to others who do not feel the profound emotional and spiritual connection within these acts as many Catholics and especially the clergy of Catholicism feel. Reading this book just shows me further how God can use any number of expressions to tie souls to Himself, to connect man with His eternal Spirit, to enable His people to experience and feel His presence. 

Regardless if we find them unnecessary, it is clear that John Paul II respected these symbols of his succession of the apostle Peter. He loved the Lord, and he loved the Lord's people. So in the end, regardless of his routines, he was a holy and blessed man, worthy of respect and a cherished model of Christian living.

Purified Cold

The sharp rustling of dry brown leaves
Scratches against my mind--
Distracting me.
Then quickly gaining my full attention,
I notice
The cool breeze flowing through the window
Silkily running across my skin,
Like chilled satin.
The subtle creaking of thousands of branches
Bending and flexing with the winds
Add an eerie harmony to the leaves'
Percussive chorus.

Clean.
The cold purifies.
And deeply I inhale
Hoping that somehow this immaculate gale
Could penetrate my soul
My mind
My thoughts
And wash away all that festers deep within.
All the memories stashed away
Threatening to spill into my now.

I am quiet most nights
Rarely a word escapes my lips
Nor a glance my eyes do take.
Reflecting
Is my nights' task.
Beating down my rogue vices is
My nocturnal need.
But the distraction of tonight's natural rustic rhythm
Has been most inspiring
And revealing.

Delve
JP @ Olive Garden Poetry Picnic Week 39: Halloween 2012 Special!

Thursday Mini Fiction Writing Prompt Week 30: Life In The Art Box

When the wrong words come

If all there were in my life,
Were moments of clarity,
Pure genius,
Sincere Humor, and
Wise insights,
Then there would be no need
To apologize so often--
To stay awake at night
Wondering
If those words were better left unsaid.
delve

Cloth Diapering in an Apartment

Cloth diapering while living in an apartment can create some challenges, but it is NOT impossible.

Here are some tips that I've found helpful in making cloth diapering and apartment living easier.

Stains

I live on the third floor of an apartment complex. I have no deck. So basically, I have no personal outdoor area. Sunning your diapers is really the best way to bleach out pesky stains that didn't come out in the wash, but with no access to private sun space, your diapers can get a bit (what's a good way to put this...) colorful. I've found that if you hose off your poopy diaper and then spray with an enzyme solution before putting it into the diaper pail, you can really prevent a lot of the discoloration.

--A cloth diapering mommy that I recently met said her apartment-living friend used to take her diapers out to the pool area and sun them there!--

Now depending on how brave you are, this may be a good option for you.

Also if you have a friend with a yard that will allow you to bring your diapers over during a play date, you can kill 2 birds with one stone.

**but DON'T stress** stains are purely cosmetic and do not affect the diaper at all!

Drying

Again because I have no outdoor space, drying my diapers depends solely on the effectiveness of my dryer. I found that if I loaded the dryer with only diapers, it would take 2-3 cycles to get them fully dried. A cloth-diapering mom from church, who has c.d'erd 3 children, gave me this stunning (while totally common-sensical) advice.

--Do a load of laundry first, then do your diapers (or vice versa), then dry them all together! For some reason, the diapers dry better when being dried with other clothes. Then she said, "and if they need some more time, I almost ALWAYS have another load of clothes I need to wash anyway. I can pick out my diapers and keep them in the dryer until it's time to dry the other load of clothes". BRILLIANT!

Now I never waste energy on drying my cloth diapers. I always do it in conjunction with my other laundry.

Organizing

Space is very limited in apartment living (at least it is in my apartment). We didn't have space to have a separate changing table to organize all our diapering supplies (because YES with c.d.'ing there are necessary supplies). We used our dresser as the changing space and used stacking racks (that you find in the kitchen supplies section of your Walmart for 5$ a piece. They aren't gorgeous, but they are effective) to put our cloth wipes, diapers and covers--utilizing vertical area and not taking up any more real estate in our room or dresser than necessary.

Hope this helps! If you are a cloth diapering mom, with anymore helpful advice please share, or if you have any questions about cloth diapering, ask away!

Movement

It takes me a minute
to realize that I'm moving.
Unconsciously
My hips begin to sway--
Rhythmically.
Foot tapping,
Hands swaying at my sides,
Eyes closing,
And then I become aware
That the music has taken over my mind--
My body,
And there's no escape
From its pulsating prison.

delve

An Infamously Crappy Mom

Crappy mothers from around the globe have united at Just Add Cloth. I often struggle with mommy guilt over mistakes I've made or just out of my laziness. But tonight I have decided to put aside my guilt and be a "mommy martyr" no more. I've compiled a list of my offenses for anyone out there with stones to throw.

1. I'm a cosleeping mom. I've yet to roll over any of my children, and they seem to be thriving.
2. I often read all day and all night long. Holding but rarely looking at my kids until reality strikes (usually when I have to go pee.)
3. My 5 month old gets a bath about every 2 weeks. (the rest of the time I wipe her neck and underarms and apply a generous amount of baby powder to mask any stankiness)
4. My 5 year old eats cereal for 2 out of 3 meals almost every day she's home.
5. I can't wait for my baby to sleep through the night and start eating food, so that I can go out dancing and have at least 2 mixed drinks.
6. I once put my baby in the laundry basket while I was trying to load the washer in the laundry room....she just wouldn't let me put her down anywhere else. I called it a compromise.
7. I often run errands just so that I can get away from my family for a while; then when I arrive at home, I chill in the car for 30+mins while reading a book.

Wait...there's more
8. I convinced Lia that if she ate sugar all her teeth would fall out her mouth.
9. I frighten/threaten my child w/ grotesque imagery ie. You'll poke your eyeballs out, You'll get run over by a car and be squished flat as a pancake, etc..
10. I told my 5 year old that Santa Clause does NOT exist!


These are only a few of my transgressions, my friends. But I'm not the only crappy mom out there, I assure you! Visit Just Add Cloth and stand in awe of an entire community of the crappiest moms in the world.

Diaper Guilt

Becoming a cloth diapering mama has totally ruined the easy-breezy feeling of years past when I could slap a disposable diaper on my baby and think nothing of it.

Now after devoting myself to cloth diapering and educating myself of its benefits and the harms of disposables, the thought of using disposable diapers causes me extreme anxiety! I think about that Huggie filling up with that jelly-like goo in a dump somewhere, leaking chemicals into the soil and slowly but very surely killing the Earth and all human-kind along with it.

Well like I shared with you in my last post, I'm visiting family in New Orleans for a week, and my father-in-law very generously bought a pack of DISPOSABLES for Maggie, so I wouldn't have to pack my cloths. (I'm sure they also wanted to save me and themselves from having to wash her stanky diapers in their machine.)

Anyway, the thought of using those eco-nonfriendly, chemical diapers has been causing me some strife. I know that it is only for 1 week and not a (super)big deal, but I can't help feeling a little guilty about it.

Ignorance truly is bliss *sigh*

Home

I'm finally going home to NOLA this saturday for an entire week. But tonight I'm filled with an almost overwhelming home-sickness. Maybe it's because I'm so close to seeing my dad and mom that I'm finally realizing how much I miss them. I know that God has plans to reunite my family, but it's just so painful knowing how much of my life they are missing out on, how excruciating I find it that my father has yet to meet Maggie, how I wish we could meet for breakfast on Saturday mornings-- my father and I gorging on biscuits, bacon, eggs, and ALWAYS a single pancake, while my mom orders a "dry" biscuit and black coffee with at least a 1/4 cup of sugar in it.

Tears are steaming down my face, not out of excitement but out of near inconsolable sadness. It feels like my life has been split into halves. One half consisting of my parents and of New Orleans and of my family and how it was years ago, when we were all best friends, and when I was young and of a place where I was free and reckless, and quixotic, and beautiful.

The other half is here in Raleigh, and I'm mature, and a good wife, and an aspiring excellent mother, and a leader of worship at a church, and studying apologetics, and cooking meals for my family, and older, wiser, kinder...

I know my life is no longer back there in New Orleans. I realize that New Orleans is my Egypt, and that I had arrived at the promised land here in Raleigh. I know that going back would not be good for my children or for my marriage and maybe it wouldn't be good for me either.

But there has to be something I can bring back with me. A piece of home here. Maybe I could bring the French Quarter, or just the beignets, maybe I can bring jazz to the streets, or an underground playhouse featuring an improv cast, or perhaps I can bring everyone's yat accents, or maybe just crawfish étouffée. But most of the time I wish that piece were my parents. Sometimes I wonder (and doubt) if they'd ever agree to come.

Sexy

I know I've mentioned my Facebook wall before, but it really bears repeating! My Facebook friends are the craziest people on Earth. I once said that my wall is filled with 2 things: obscene photos and angry atheist posts.

So I've previously written about those angry atheists here, now it's time to address the former: Obscene photos.

What is it with my girl friends and wanting the world to find them sexy? Every photo is purposefully staged so as to capture both face and boobs.

At what point in a woman's life does she decide that being sexy isn't important anymore? And I'm not meaning that your husband doesn't find you attractive, but OTHERS, like STRANGERS?

I have so many friends that after having 2+ kids and being married for years still think it incredibly important to be considered sexy by people who are not their husbands. They post sexy photos, provocative speech, just generally try-too-hard...

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to feel beautiful (and sometimes it feels even nicer when it's NOT your spouse who thinks you're beautiful). And I used to want people to think I was sexy too, back when I was 18!

Vanity is an intriguing vice. I fall prey to it at times too, but I put it in check especially before I hit "post" on my facebook :)

Preparing myself to prove the existence of God! Yikes

I've decided to partner with a friend from church and lead a group on apologetics designed to tackle tough questions and doubts about the existence or nature of God. So for the last 3 months I've been reading non-stop about Christian apologetics, listening to podcasts regarding different theological arguments, and watching debates between renown Atheists and Christians. It's really mind-bending stuff this apologetics!

But just a small excerpt that I found wonderful with regard to the argument of there being an explanation for all that has begun to existence, "Imagine that you're hiking through the woods and you come across a translucent ball lying on the forest floor. You would naturally wonder how it came to be there. If one of your hiking partners said to you, 'Hey, it just exists inexplicably. Don't worry bout it!' you'd either think that he [were] crazy or figure that he just wanted you to keep moving. No one would take seriously the suggestion that the ball existed there with literally no explanation. Now suppose you increase the size of the ball so that it's the size of a car...size of a house...size of a continent...planet...universe."

When the Day Dies Down

The pink and orange hues of a dying day

Captured and uniformed in such a way

That they lie in rows upon my floor

Bordered in long, thin shadows just like before.

Stretching and dimming as the hours pass

And its ethereal spectrum doesn't last

Half as long as it probably should

But I'm sure it'd stay longer, if only it could.

I sit and stare at dust in rays

Descending slowing during this dying day

Imagining it waltzing slowly to its grave

Better to dance and die with grace than to fight and die brave.

delve

The first time I missed a hurricane

Being that I was born and raised in New Orleans, LA, I'm well acquainted with the hurricane/evacuation/flooding/no electricity/pirogue-paddling-down-the-street process. I have experienced these storms since birth, as all New Orleanians have, which is probably why no one got too worried when news of Isaac came and decided not to evacuate. Instead, they boarded up the windows, filled up their cars with gas, bought water, and "hunkered down." It's the way we do things.

I asked my folks a couple of days before hurricane Isaac if they were planning on evacuating, and they answered very seriously, "If it turns into a Cat 3, then we'll leave."

Well it never did turn into a Cat 3, and they never left.

Hurricanes have a way of bringing the worst and the best out of people. Communities band together in the days after the storm--helping rebuild fences, sharing materials and food. Hundreds of locals have been working through the storm and around the clock to bring relief and to rescue those in danger.
But on the flip side theres looting and hunger and anger and violence. Its dangerous and peaceful all at the same time.

Last bad hurricane to hit LA came in 2008. We were living in Baton Rouge at the time Hurricane Gustav came through. We didn't evacuate until a week after the storm-- having had no electricity and running very low on food. It took 2-3 weeks for the power to come back after Gustav. But eventually life went back to normal, if not better.

Trust me NOLA was rebuilt better after Katrina and Baton Rouge after Gustav. Each time something like this happens, you are really left with no option but to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and start over. And that's what LA will do after Isaac.

Quotes of Late

Lia: "Maggie!!! You smell like brocolli!"
---------------------------

Jillien:"You know what, Lee? Sometimes I forget that I'm not 24 years old. It's so weird. I still think I'm 24 years old.
Lee: No. You're WAY older than that!
---------------------------

Lee: Are you sure you don't wanna go to the grocery?! I can't take another day of peanut butter and jelly.
Jillien: You're not eating peanut butter and jelly now.
Lee: Yeah this tortilla with ketchup is not much better.

Why are unbelievers so angry?

My Facebook wall is filled with the CRAZIEST posts imaginable. My husband jokes that we can't open my Facebook whenever kids are around from fear of having them exposed to some raunchy, angry, offensive, weird stuff!

But for the most part my wall is filled with 1 of 2 things:

Either obscene pictures 

or

Angry atheistic posts and photos

Now with regard to these angry atheist posts, I wonder where their adamance comes from? I had a friend once say, "You know, I don't believe in the tooth fairy, but I don't feel any compulsions to walk up to random children and yell in their faces 'THERE'S NO TOOTH FAIRY!!! ITS ALL MAKE BELIEVE. YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR BELIEVING THE IN TOOTH FAIRY!!" 

So I don't believe in the tooth fairy, it doesn't stir up any strong feelings.

And really, he has a point. If you don't believe in God, then don't. Where does this anger and need to exclaim and constantly profess this unbelief come from? 

I have a theory, and it happens to come from my first hand experience living and marrying my husband who was an atheist when we met, and who is now a devout Christian.

Let me start off by saying that there are some atheists who are mostly scientific, who lost faith due to some inconsistency they found within the natural world and the word of God, but they don't usually express such anger.

But regarding my experience with my friends who have become atheists to the point of anger against God this is my theory:

They encompass a soul; so every fibre of their beings calls and yearns for the holy Spirit, but something has happened in their pasts that make them angry against God. It could have been a betrayal, abandonment, abuse, injustice, suffering, the list goes on. But something happened to them that they felt was so unfair and unloving that they became incensed! So through their anger they decided that a truly loving God must not exist because he allowed "______" to happen. 

They lash out at Christians and try to stump them with tough questions, such as "Well if Jesus is God, who did he pray to?" yadda yadda yadda.  They ask these questions, while on the surface hoping the Christian fumbles in his response so they can pounce and humiliate him, but under the surface, deep down in the very pit of their subconscious, they are yearning for an answer that makes sense. They are dying inside for someone to love them. And they get so FRUSTRATED when they receive fluffy sentimental answers, when what they really need is reason! They want this world to make sense.  

And it is because of this that we as Christians need to start taking our faith seriously--we need to mature in our faith and move on from sentimentality to science and reason. God created science and so really the evidence is stacked on our side. But we need to learn it. We need to arm ourselves with the truth so that when a hungry atheist is biting at our heals we have the bread of life with which to nourish him! 

Pick up a book on Christian apologetics like Dr. Craig's On Guard or Strobel's Case for Christ or Case for Faith. Read and learn. Fill your mind with the wonder of the LORD and then let your cup overflow into the lives of your neighbors, coworkers, friends, and unbelievers!

Why I prefer Prefolds!--Cloth diapers

My lil' Maggie is soon to turn 5 months old, and since birth I've been using cloth diapers on her.

During this cloth diapering adventure, I have used ALL types of diapers: fitted, prefolds, All-in-Ones, every type of cover on the market and several different brands of diapers i.e. bummies, thirsties, cloth-eez, bum genius, swaddlebees--THE WORKS.

All that to paint the picture for you that I have ruled out certain diapers through the process of elimination. Of course, cloth diapering is a subjective, and each mother has her own favorites or methods.

Here's mine:

I love prefolds! "Why?!: You may be asking. Lemme tell ya...

Reason #1
They are malleable. There are several different folds you can use depending on what works best on your child. I tend to use one fold when I know baby is probably going to go #2 in that diaper, and a different fold, when I know baby is just going to be making peepee.

Fitteds and all all-in-ones are they way they are, plain and simple. Be they too long, too wide, or too tight around the thigh---deal with it. Not a prefold. It conforms. I like that.

Reason #2
Yes, prefolds do take the longest to put on, but it's totally worth it because I find them to be the most effective. Reason being is this: whenever baby has what would normally be a "blowout," it is VERY rare that it should leak out of the prefold, but if it does, the COVER is there to catch it. This means that I've never had to throw out an outfit because it got poop all over it! I have a 2-prong defense against the poop! Yeah my cover may have gotten a bit poopy, but BIG DEAL. I pop that sucker into the diaper pail and pull out another set.

Reason #3
They are the least expensive route to cloth diapering. Fitteds are more expensive for a convenience that is minuscule, and all-in-ones are MUCH pricier, and I've found that they take an ETERNITY to dry--so they suck up even more of my $$ through running the drier over and over.

Look I'm no cloth diapering expert. I'm just a regular mom trying to save a buck and keep my kids healthy. I've not read any scholarly journals or taken classes at Duke University on cloth diapering. I'm just telling you what I've found through my real-world experience. I have friends that SWEAR by all-in-ones. They say they are just like disposables. (I don't find that to be the case. My experience has been that they are prone to leaking.)

Anyway, if you want to be environmentally friendly AND save a few bucks--try prefolds and covers. They take an extra 15 seconds at the changing table, but save a net ton of diapers from entering landfills and keep your hard earned cash in your pocket!

POST SCRIPT:

YIKES I didn't even mention the diapers that you have to stuff with those doublers. Those take a LIFETIME to prep. Just buy a prefold and move on :D

Advice for 1st Time Stay at Home Moms

So a friend of mine recently  decided to become a stay at home mom after having her 3rd child. She had worked out the home for her whole adult life, and her mother had taken care of her previous 2 children. But after moving to NC, there was no one familiar that she would feel comfortable leaving her children with. This left her with a really difficult and scary decision to make. Find a daycare or stay at home....

She and her husband decided it was best to stay home.

I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of the lives of my daughters. When my eldest was near 4 years old, we moved to NC and I got a job. I worked for about a year and a half, but when I found out that I was pregnant with our second daughter, I started making arrangements to stay home at around the 6th month of my pregnancy.

I understand how comforting it is to have a second income, and during that time, I was able to get us out of debt and save for a 6 month emergency fund. I was blessed to have my pastor's wife and great friend taking care of Lia during that time. But every fiber of my being calls to me to be with my children. I honestly had no idea prior to becoming a mother that I would want to be a stay at home mom. I definitely wasn't brought up that way...

My mother was a career woman. She went back to work 3 weeks after I was born. She didn't change a single diaper and had my grandmother take care of most of the nurturing aspects of rearing an infant. But she was brilliant and strong. Independent and competent. And she reared me to be just like her.  It was my husband (who had been brought up with a sahm all his life) who convinced me to stay home with Lia. I was DEAD SET on maintaining my career and earning a living. But he was right. I LOVED every minute.

So I've had experience going from sahm to work-out-the-home mom back to being a stay-at-home mom, and here's my advice to those who are considering doing this major leap of faith.

#1 RELAX:
Be confident in your ability as a mother. No one can love your children better or more than you can. Remember that even if you make mistakes that the holy Spirit will be able to straighten out any wrinkles in your parenting technique. Like I always say... "You gotta fake it, till you make it!" Do your best and good things will eventually result.

#2 TITHE:
There is less money. Going from one income to two requires some major self-control and discipline when it comes to your money handling. The first step to acquiring that discipline is by tithing. Tithing is the practice of giving 10% of your income to your local church, and if you don't have a local church give it to charity (then go find a church :D). It also sets a culture of generosity in your family and a realization that you are blessed and rich-AND that there are others out there that need more than you. Set a culture of obedience to God and generosity toward others. Start tithing today. (This is good advice to any and everyone in all situations actually)

#3 IDENTITY:
Remember to be yourself. Yes, we love being mothers, but that is NOT all we are as women. I was Jillien before I was a mother and will be Jillien still once my girls are out of the house. If I lose myself, I risk being very unhappy when I can't find myself after I remember to start looking. Find hobbies, friends, routines outside of those you have for your children.

I'm sure there are so many other things I could say, but these three to me are the most important. Feel free to comment with any other words of advice you may have.