Quotes of Late

Lia: It's glittering.... (she meant drizzling)

Lia and Lee are playing with the marble run. Lee keeps stealing lia's marbles, and she keeps laughing and saying stop, when Lia lets a fart rip in Lee's face...
Lee: Pedito en la carita. (Fart in the face) That's a good way to stop me, baby.

Desperate

So many things are flailing all around me,
While requirements and goals and competition and expectations
are strung around my neck.
And when  the end to my struggles drew near,
My noose was loosened
And wrapped around you instead.

And I'm left with less hope than when I started.
If only I could take it all back,
and be the one still hanging.
Relieve your pressure
Your mounting pressure.
The overwhelming stress
That is building within your life.
And replace it with the peace you once knew
I'd gladly tie it on myself.

Delve

First Day

My husband had his first day at his new job today, and I swear I was probably a more nervous wreck than he was!

It's crazy. I was acting as if it was his first day at school thinking "I hope the others are nice to him. I hope that he fits in. I hope he has fun. I hope he's happy."

So when he comes home and slaps on a fake smile and says "it was alright..." my heart sank.  I know it's never perfect on your first day, but I was praying that it would be perfect for him. No need to adjust because he fits right in...

Not the case. And my hormonal, emotional self just started to cry. I cried most of the evening just wishing things would have gone better! In all honesty, my husband's happiness, comfort, and well-being both emotionally and physically are the more important things to me.

If he came home and said that he discovered his new calling and that is to be the fries specialist at McDonald's I would support him.

Where to start

Lia is 5 now.

I cooked a 20 lbs turkey today

I'm debating whether I should hit black friday sales for the first time in my life!

I'm praying that I can write 7 more auto in order to collect my paycheck at work.

I'm stressed for my husband who recently decided to change jobs.

We're looking at homes with a realtor.

Oh and did I mention....

I'm having a girl in March!

Life has been running away from me recently, and it's time to start slowing down.  if not on the outside, then definitely on the inside.

I've just allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where there are no words to express anything anymore.

There is no thankfulness. There is no peace. There is no lucidity.

I feel insecure, unsettled and stressed.

I need to take charge again.

Who me?

Nobody's perfect.--cliche of the century right? As a society we can excuse the most horrible of personality traits by rationalizing that really "no one's perfect."

The funny thing about it is that TRULY no one is perfect. As Christians we are no more flawless than non-christians. We struggle with the same temptations, vices, flaws, genetic dispositions, etc that everyone else has, yet we are called to hold ourselves at a higher standard.

Absolutely understandable and just. Don't you agree?

Ugh there's nothing worse than a judgmental Christian or an angry Christian or an ugly (in personality not looks) Christian, right!?!? Aren't they the ones that "ruin it for the rest of us." They yell "Gays are going to HELL!" and other horrendous, judgmental, mean things that are so unchristian-like it takes your breath away. Or a Christian who beats his wife. Or a Christian who molests. Or a Christian who steals... Hypocrites--ey?

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." [1 Timothy 1:15-16]

And then there are those Christians that have never done a truly sinful thing in their whole lives. They said a cuss word once upon a time, or kissed a guy under the bleachers in the 10th grade, but really delving into the darkest parts of their human nature, they have never tread.  Don't we look at those and say "What the hell do you know of my struggles?"  Oh yeah?! What do you know about hitting rock bottom? What do you know of conquering addiction? What have you ever experienced that you can understand/relate/empathize with me other than your observations of other sinful people?!

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."  C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What about the rest of us? The been-there/done-that crowd. Searching for the Kingdom. Searching for strength that all these people write about and yet we've never felt. Searching to be a leader and a beacon  and an example, while struggling to stay afloat. Praying to be a better spouse, better parent, better Christian, better person, while stumbling our ways to salvation. The moderates. The luke warm?
If we struggle with sin but are trying, does that mean we are in any way qualified to lead? If we stumble and trip our ways through life but dust off our skirts and keep walking forward, does that at all make us role models? Where do we fit in?


Psalm 103:8-14(NIV)

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.

Is blood truly thicker than water?

I think certain types of "blood" are: your mom and dad, your sister and brother, your husband or wife, your child.

Had you asked me 2+ years ago that list would have been so much longer, but now.... I don't agree.

I think Some blood is thicker than water. Maybe it's just my family. Maybe I'm the one to blame, but really when I sit and think about the way some of my family has neglected, abandoned, slandered, and avoided me, I've given up on thinking that you can rely on anyone but those that either birthed you, were birthed by the same people as you or helped you birth someone else.

Can't believe it's that time again

In 4 weeks or so my daughter turns another year older, and there has been so much going on that I barely remembered that I AM responsible for planning the party and sending the invites, and deciding the budget, and the menu, and the guest list, and the location, and the list goes on....

As a party planner I have to say that while I'm not Martha Stewart or anything, I do enjoy throwing a successful party. Last year I planned my butt off, and I don't think it was that successful. Thank goodness Lia was only 4 and didn't realize that everyone showed up an hour late and we only had 15 minutes to eat and sing happy birthday before the "nice" museum people kicked us out of the room.

I had never had such a nerve-racking, disappointing, but then redeeming party experience in my life. I was literally heartbroken for an entire hour thinking no one was going to show up, and then EVERYONE did, just really late.

I really don't want that to happen again. It makes me apprehensive spending money on reserving a location like I did last year, because while the museum play time was really fun, I could have just bought everyone tickets and paid less money than I did for a room we barely used.

So what do I do? I live in an apartment so theres no yard. I could do it at a park, but I'm so nervous that it'll rain or something equally as terrible. I could reserve a place like a jump house, but I don' t want a repeat of last year. The thought really stresses me out.

I've seen so many awesome parties on blogs that I follow and usually I'm great at these kinds of things, but I've become gun shy.

I need some ideas.

HELP!

Streaming

Cascading tears,

Daily cries

In constant heart break.

I feel

Intensely.

My soul cries out to you, O God.

My body thrashes in agony, Dear Lord.

Prayers.

How many more prayers would it take?

How many more pleas of mercy do you need?

Father, I will give you all and more

To relieve your poor servant's pain.

Peace

Super natural healing

Relief

Purification

You, O Lord, hold the power.

To you, O Lord I lift my voice to praise

For your endless grace upon my life,

But Oh Lord, the pain I feel from afar

Consumes me.

Painful visions.

Painful realities

That are not my own.

But I hold on to the truths that I've learned.

I hold on to the knowledge of your wisdom.

I hold on to the experience of your forgiveness.

I hold on to the hope of redemption.

I need to trust in you more.

I need to release this sadness and embrace the happiness

Of the good you've brought about in a poor child's suffering.

Hold on to the lives he's changed and transformed, including my own.

Slowly I feel myself melting.

Hopefully releasing the control and boundaries I've made for myself,

and instead joining in your infinite existence. 

I lift him up to you with joyfulness. 

He who deserves paradise more than most.

He who will be made whole in your loving embrace.

Delve

Made me Laugh--

!!!!You'll have to excuse the profanity!!!!!  If you can see past his potty mouth, he may just make you smile.  As a Catholic, this really cracked me up.  If you grew up Catholic or went to Catholic school, some parts of this are brilliant.

Enjoy:

One Flesh

It's that one flesh principal
That we are called to,
That submissive role
That I'm expected to honor.
Being that right-hand man
or Woman, in this case,
That always trips me up.
Would things really get better
If I acted like
You are always right?
Would life get smoother
If I acted like
Yours are the best ideas?
Would things get easier
If I acted like
Father knows best?
Would I get happier
If I surrendered all of my will
To yours?
Is that supposed to be my prayer?
Lord, teach me how to let him think for me?
I struggle, my friends.
I struggle with being a daughter of Eve.
I struggle with knowing what I'm called to do
And what I need to do,
And what I want to do,
And what feels right to do,
And what I actually do,
And the results of those actions,
And the results of my inactions.

Delve

I see the world through broken glass.

I remember its once perfect curve.
The dull shine of the mid morning sun.
The crisp, clean looking-glass visions.
And then
Small chips appeared in the smooth surface.
Barely noticeable chips.
All due to small traumas.
And because I neglected these injuries
The glass became susceptible.
And when a bit of heat was applied
It cracked.
Long noticeable cracks on the surface.
Making my already defected glass
Obvious for all to see.
Then as I adjusted to this blemish....
And behaved as if it didn't matter
The cold came.
And more fractures
And longer scars across the surface of my glass
So that today
I see the world through broken glass.
And when the sun hits it just right
It sends sharp bright shards of light into my eyes
Blinding me as I attempt to safely make it home.
I see the world through broken glass,
And have yet decided if it's worth the investment.
Worth the time
Worth the effort
To fix it.

Delve

I know it is not enough

There has to be more I can do.

I want prepare my daughter for school and help her become brilliant--while being too tired to think and too stressed from my day that I barely have an ounce of patience.

What do I do? Sometimes I think that my job costs me more than it provides.

But if i stop dreaming and start thinking objectively.... will I have been able to provide Lia with more? Would my house really be cleaner? Would Lia be able to count to 20 by now?

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have taken that time for granted. Or just become more selfish and want more independence.

Knowing me---it would have been a little bit of both.

I think this year I've spent working has shown me how precious Lia is. And how the time I spend with her are treasures.

Maybe I'll be a better mother now because I want to be so badly--because being away from her and wanting her to have so much more has shown me how much I've dropped the ball.

They say its all about the quality time--not the quantity of time... that is what i need to work on. Quality. I find that I being so impatient and tired affects my quality.

I need to be better.

I need to be more patient.
More calm.
More consistent.
More attentive.

More...

Tears for Tripp

So I have cried more in the past 2 days than I think I've ever cried before.

If you're a regular to my blog, I'm sure you've noticed the new button on the right sidebar. Well as a warning *Do Not Click* if you are faint of heart. The pictures and the story of this blog have literally torn my heart out. My soul is aching for this child of God, Tripp.

They are from my home state of Louisiana--on the north shore, close to my home town of New Orleans.

He has a rare skin disease, EB, that makes his skin blister and peel off. It is very painful--excruciatingly so. And he's only 2 years old! He battles daily with the pain, infections, fevers, a trach, feeding tube, blindness (caused by his EB), and so many other ailments that are more than anyone deserves or should have to endure, much less a precious child.

AND HIS MOTHER--my goodness. Talk about a Saint. She is devoted to this child like non other, my friends. Her love, her patience, his strength, and their story have inspired me to be a better mother.

She shows that we are capable of so much love, and I'm not sure I've been tapping into my entire capacity to love to the fullest. If you want to read their story click here, but if this post is enough for you to imagine their struggle,  just send prayers.

Endless prayers. God sized prayers. Make the sun stand still for this Child. Make his pain go away, Dear Lord. Help his mother! Give her strength. And finally Lord, please never let me forget how fortunate I am. You have bestowed more grace upon us than could be imagined. Thank you, Father God, for my healthy family. Thank you Lord for Tripp.

CHEAPSKATE!

So I've been on this major life altering journey to save money. Several months back I completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and it really did open my eyes to how terribly I had managed our household.

While my husband is the "main bread-winner," I am the one who pays the bills, makes household purchases, and manages our accounts.

So if we are in the red---it is MY fault. My husband earns the money, and I spend it.

This is terrifying to all those single men out there!! Probably their worst nightmare, "If I get married, she is going to spend ALL OF MY MONEY!"

And during the first few years of our marriage, that was exactly what happened.

I was 20 years old when I got married, and was a mother, and the lady of the household, and the manager of the funds, and the acquirer of a shiny debt card, and I WENT AT IT! lemme just tell ya'.

Anyways, once we moved to NC from LA our funds were definitely at an all time low. So low that I had to get my own job after nearly 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom. God really provided for us during this time and delivered me a job in less than a week! Praise God for his faithfulness, y'all!

Well since then I've been trying to be a better steward of the money we do have. And I truly feel like I'm getting better. Some months I have my set backs (like this month for example)--when I've over spent, under budgeted, and basically lost my marbles when it comes to financial responsibility.

But I've been reading this book called "The Cheapest Family in America," and it has rejuvenated my desire to succeed with money.

These people are EXTREME when it comes to how little they spend, and while I don't want to go to that level, I do feel like I could do better. WAY better. On average I spend about $650 on groceries a month for 3 people-2 adults and a 4 yr old! that's insane!!!! But it's much better than the over 900$ that I was spending just a few short months ago!

Well 2.5 weeks into July, I found myself severely over budget. Trust me I was distraught! but I have to say that I'm proud of myself because the moment I noticed we were in trouble, I buckled down. My bi-weekly visits to the grocery store disappeared. And I can't tell you how incredibly resourceful I have become with the food in my home.

If you know me, you know that I love to cook and am constantly cooking some new delicious dish. This passion to cook new meals sends me to the store pretty often, but I've had to make due with what's in my pantry and you'll never believe it??!! we're still alive. No one has starved. In fact, it has made me a better cook and more responsible woman. I've exercised way more self control, and I have learned how to be more resourceful with what I do have.  I'm coming to realize how excessive my grocery shopping was now that I've not gone in 2 weeks and am still making due!

Quotes of Late

Lia: "Daddy has the Jingles. If I touch them I can get the chicken pops."

Amy after watching me do a goofy dance in the office: "Was that the Walgreens Shuffle?"

Graham after I told him how embarrassed I was that my shirt was unbuttoned and my chest was hanging out in front of a client. "Oh I saw that."
Jillien: "WHAT! Why didn't you say something?!??!"
Graham: "I thought that was your style."

Kelly: "Little sister I never wanted, I do listen to you when you say something."

VB: "They must be trippin' if they think I'm going to mail that!"

You cannot argue me into someone's heart....

Lord,
You commanded us to love:
Our enemies
You commanded us to honor:
Our fathers and mothers,
Our wives and husbands,
Our spiritual leaders,
And even...
Our political leaders.
As a pastor I knew once said,
Respect is earned,
But Honor is given.
The End.
It was commanded by the LORD.
And we have to trust that Your commands and laws, Father God,
Were established FOR us
Through your unfailing love.
We have to trust
That following your laws
Will lead us
To GREATER happiness
Than we would have ever imagined possible.
More happiness than the results of our own actions would have yielded.
And trust,
There are times when your laws go against my
Feelings.
There are times when I don't feel like following Your laws.
In those times,
I need to surrender to Your infinite wisdom.
I need to understand,
That my life is but a speck on Your timeline, Father.
That You are a circle drawn around my timeline.
All around.
Past
Present and
Future
That what I want,
What I do,
What I say,
Affects
Time itself--
The world in its entirety.
I have to realize
You have a greater purpose.
You have the Blueprints of the Kingdom.
You are the architect of Paradise.
And all I need to do is follow Your plan.
So I pray this evening,
For strength.
Strength to follow Your commands.
To not lead myself astray-- so incredibly far from Your laws
That my life is a constant battle.
That in my desperation to obtain my own desires
I fall on my own sword.

my house is so dirty

These are some of my common sayings when trying to convince people of the level of dirt in my home....

My house is so dirty... if you walked in it right now you would call child protective services on me.

My house is so dirty... you could catch the ebola virus.

My house is so dirty... i have to clean it before I can start cleaning it. 

-------------------

anyway, my mother in law is spending a couple of weeks with us starting this Sunday, and while I'm so excited to have family here, the amount of cleaning, organizing, purging, etc I have to do is slightly overwhelming. 

Honestly it took me Saturday AND Sunday to clean my daughter's room and closet. NO JOKE. 2 days of intense focus.

That is ridiculous! 

It is partly due to being dirt and trash hoarders, I believe. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no where near those crazy people on tv, but who keeps dried up markers? broken crayons? empty bubble wands? Every McDonald happy meal toy since 2006???WHO DOES THAT?! ME that's who.

So imagine a version of that in each and every room. 

That's what I'm dealing with right now. 

Wish me luck.

My Joy Haiku

Just seeing your face

Is all I need to feel joy.

Your smile warms my heart.

And when you're not here,

I think of you constantly

While passing the time.

'Til you're here again,

My soul reaches out for you

My mind does not rest.

Then I hold you close.

I remember how precious

And joyous you are.

I dream alone

Not even you
Believe in me.
My biggest fan
Yet to be discovered.
And why should you?
Believe, I mean.
I dream alone.
I push alone--
I always have.
And through it all
I've been on top alone.
And my words
And my voice
And my thoughts
And my spirit
Get me through.
Not you.

Delve

Because you asked

I sat there and wrote
Because you asked.
And you spoke while I listened
Because you asked.
I sang and you heard
And I failed
While you laughed.

Again and again
In front of familiar strangers.
I stand.
I open my mouth and fumble--
Why?
Because you asked.
Trust me I'm humbled
And each time it gets harder
But I slap on a smile
Walk up once again
All because you asked.

Delve

Spontaneity

my impulse to write
makes me incredibly late
But it is worth it.

I tap my fingers
to the 5 7 5 beat
and scribble it down.

Then glance at the time.
I've not a minute to waste
Leave now or get axed.

Palabra

They come to me you know. All at once. Like a vision. Like a picture of their meaning. And I pick from space and man-made eras, which would be the best to convey the pain and the anger and the betrayal and the peace and the glory and the visions and the visions and the visions never cease. Then. They. Hide. from me. They slip through my grasp. They elude me. They mock me from beyond the real. They melt away. And all I'm left with are the confusion and the anger and the trepidation and the insecurity and the guilt and the sin and no real way to convey the visions, always, there are visions... I hear the silence in my mind. I feel it in my core. When there is no escape. But I wait. I wait longer than others have the patience to wait for me. They grow tired of the anticipation. They grow resentful. And they leave. But like a faithful friend, my words come back to me. My words feel me reaching out for them. And with the gentlest of embraces, I press my cautious lips together and utter, my words.

Nothing to Say and Nowhere to Go

I'm struggling.

With no clear vision of what to say,

I'm left wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Not a writer of insta-prose,

My stanzas could use 

A tad of inspiration

A tad of flare

A tad of direction 

To God knows where.

And tippity tap

I rap

Tonight.

With no clear vision of what to say

Sitting here

Wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Oh Oscar, how well you know me

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

Oscar Wilde

Dusk

The soft, blue-gray light,
The dappled light streaming through horizontal blinds
The imperfect light of which doth shine
Upon my book and unread lines.

Delve

Update: Church Picnic

It went wonderfully! Everyone was so into the kickball game, and I think when everyone participating is really into winning it makes it that much more fun. Some of the funniest most amazing moments I've ever encountered happened during the kickball game.

Power slides to first base. Kicks that were to the stratosphere. Aerial feats of wonder in order get the out.

Amazing day.

As of late....

I've read the Hunger Games trilogy:

It's a drama, thriller, horror, sci-fi action super series. I really loved it, but you have to have nerves of steel to get through it. Several times it got so difficult to withstand that I thought about shelving the books.

Also, for about 2 weeks I have been organizing a picnic for my church. But not just any church picnic, but I wanted an ultimate picnic/tournament event. What's on the agenda? Well kickball, ultimate frisbee, and soccer to start!! Don't believe me??

So its on for tomorrow. But if you can only imagine. This church picnic took more planning than all of my other events combined. Starting with getting the business liability policy to incorporate the city of durham, to choosing one park out of dozens that is not in a Bad! area. I mean barbed wire, missing swings bad.  To obtaining 2 separate permits from Durham parks and recreations and the Durham Police department.   To learning the rules of kickball which turned out to be a 12 page downloadable pdf file filled with diagrams and models.

But call me crazy.... I love that stuff!!! I can't get enough of throwing a good party. Hopefully this picnic is a success and not a huge flop. I'll be totally heart broken. But knowing how awesome my congregation is, they will make a good time out of anything. Big props to God for the awesome weather we're to have all this weekend.

Sensational Haiku Wednesday

Theme: Freestyle

The subtle thumpings

are the left behind rain drops

searching for their friends.

Kamikaze rain,

free falling from extreme heights,

hoping to connect.

I sit and listen

alone-- this cool spring morning,

Relishing the sound.

But deep within me

A war wages on as well

As I too free fall.

delve

It's not mine--A Not-Me Tuesday event

A long time ago I used to participate in a meme called "Not Me Monday" and it was a way to confess things in your daily life that you didn't do,would never think of ever doing, and/or wouldn't be caught dead doing! *cough* It was hosted by MckMama and since I'm not sure that she does it anymore, I felt compelled to write one tonight on this reminiscent Tuesday.

************

I keep such a clean home that it would be appalling to think that my house could be so dirty that when my neighbor knocked on the door to let us know that he had taken our trash to the dumpster for us, that we'd duck behind a wall and wait for him to go away so we wouldn't have to open the door and let him see our filth. We would NEVER do something like that. Our home is so pristine you can come at any moment of the day and it would look straight out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine!! (NOT)

Also because I always clean up after myself... there is NO WAY that after I cut Lia's hair in the bathroom, I would just leave the hair all over the place and not pick it up. So of course when Lee went to brush his teeth, his toothbrush was NOT at all covered with hair!!!! That would be gross and totally out of character for me!

So there you have it. Very clear examples of how we always have it very well put together.

You never should have known

It was a mistake,
I say,
Telling you.
Then I add,
At least before your pride was in tact.
You had hope.
You had an inkling of respect.
Now it's all shattered.
You should have never known.

Delve

I think its kind of funny...

how incredibly anti-Catholic some people can be. Even whole churches can have a "we're the complete opposite of the catholic church" mentality. And while a lot of people do drift away from the Church and into some other church, I find it interesting how little details of Catholicism seep in: advent, lent, Church year calendar, some other dogmatic or theological principals.

Most people know I spent a lifetime studying in Catholic schools from 2nd grade through graduating college. And like most of my compatriots, I rebelled. I lashed out against the Church. I did my best to poke holes and slander. Then I studied under a professor named Dr. Christopher Baglow, and it revolutionized not only my faith but my entire life! He taught my Christology and Ecclesiology courses, and I read his book on Faith and Science. (these just a few of the many faith-based classes I took, of course.)

And now this is how I feel. We as Christians should be living as to glorify the Lord so that non-believers will see Christ working in us and through us. We should be focusing on spreading the Word to those who are starving for grace. Not bashing other Christians because we think their mass is boring.  Not passing judgment on an entire group of fellow Christians.

In college, there was a group of young people, all theology majors, who would congregate everywhere they went. They would laugh, and play games, and chat, play music, just normal and happy. And let me tell you, it was evident that they were saturated in the Spirit. And most of them were planning on entering the religious life vocation. In my angry sinful days, I would look to them with envy--wanting whatever it was they had. I found it later, but it was active faith in the Lord and the peace and joy that comes with knowing that the world and all within is in His capable hands.

Now find a church that works for you-- one that helps spread the kingdom of God, but let's keep other branches of the same tree unscathed. Most of what I learned with regard to theological principles, I learned through formal Catholic education, and I'm proud of it. and I love it.

How can someone not enjoy reading

there are no commercials. No breaks until your lids are so heavy that you can barely make out the words. The endless worlds. The endless romances or adventures. There are tears and pain and joy and hope. Messages and lessons. The images I see when reading are so much more vivid and lasting than those on a tv screen, where someone dictates how my protagonist looks. Let my mind work. Trust me it is very capable.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.



I'm in need of a miracle tonight.

Transport

I closed my eyes
And thought of your words,
And you brought me there--
Exactly where I wanted to be.
And I was someone else.
Somewhere far away.
Doing things I'd never done
With people I'd never met--
Feeling free.
Then some subtle noise,
And Im back
Here.

delve

When there's so much left to say

There's so much left to say,
But not enough energy to stave the day
Or not knowing the proper way
To get it all but leave guilt at bay.

delve

One Act One Scene Play: The Tear

[Lights are dimmed. It is bed time. and on stage are a mother and daughter --4 year old. The mother has been trying to help her daughter fall asleep on her own...]

Mother [leans over and kisses daughter on forehead]: go to sleep baby. I love you.

Daughter: Ok mommy. [rolls over]

[Lights brighten. Day time]

Mother: Lia! I'm so proud of you!! You fell asleep all by yourself last night.

Daughter [immediately schools her expression to one of an injured puppy]: Yes, but I had tears in my eyes.

The end.


And NO THIS IS NOT A SAD STORY. This is a story of my drama princess daughter.  The world's a stage for her!

Seasonally Depressed

I'm starting to think that the stark North Carolina weather gave me seasonal depression... You may be thinking What in the WORLD!>!>!>??? With which I would respond to your thought with a big Hell Yes I was depressed.

How could that happen in NC where it's supposedly the "south?" Well evidently here in NC the winter starts in October and ends in the unforeseeable future!!!!!!! And coming from Southern Louisiana where the seemingly endless summer monopolizes our other seasons, where its bombardment even surfaces in the little cool weather that we do receive in January through early March, I believe my body was shocked and it spiraled down toward the oh-so-true (which i had thought was an urban legend/joke type of situation) seasonal depression! haha!

Unbelievable.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm finally cured. I spent 5 glorious days with the people I love most in the world in the 80 degree sunny weather of New Orleans, LA. And laughed until I almost peed on myself. Ate until I started to feel like a glutton---just happy again.

And I was wondering where did this feeling go? Did all of my jubilance stay in New Orleans, and did I only take contentment back with me to NC?  Don't get me wrong... what more can one ask for than contentment? What more does a mere human deserve in this world? But it just brought me to a place of passion, excitement, hilarity, music, beignets, crazy balloon twisters in the streets, Catholics that don't go to church, hurricanes, sun, ferries, street cars, my late grandmother, my youth, my loves, my friends, concerts, mini-skirts, platform shoes, all girl catholic high schools...................

I'm back in NC, and enjoying the peace of being back in my home. Happy that it's finally Friday. Wishing my family and friends were here with me. Slightly envious of others with plenty of friends and things to do. But here in Raleigh I read. I read and sing. I read and sing and try more than I did back in New Orleans to be a good wife and mother. With the distractions gone. I sit. I think. I go back and forth from reading the bible to reading terrible romance novels....
(I'll have to account for that in Heaven, for sure).

Winded

The wind
The roaring wind
An oceanic wind outside my window.
Bending limbs with its might--
Attacking the buds of infant flowers.
It's true, dearest tempest,
That I love thee.

Delve

I spoke

What it was I couldn't even begin to tell you, but when I say that I didn't want to talk--I'm being sincere. Not this flaky, "I don't wanna talk about it" kind of thing, but of the most basic conversational level. I had nothing to say. Every word of mine in response to someone else was scrutinized with such intensity that I would let it just evaporate into nothingness--- simply not reply. My usual social butterfly self has been a recluse and a mute as of late.

But something happened last night--I spoke. for 2 hours. to my friend. and I needed it.

And although I don't feel at 100%, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to realize how rude I may have been behaving toward my friends. And they deserve my replies....

Let me just say how incredibly RUDE I think it is to send someone an email or leave him/her a voicemail to not receive a single acknowledgment that it was even read or heard. I do NOT want to be that person, but I found myself slipping into that just out of indifference.

No more. I cannot allow myself to be that type of person, and I have been to so many. Texts never answered, emails never replied, calls never returned. I hope my friends will forgive me for my silence.


*****I wrote this about two weeks ago, and the fact that I'm just now publishing it goes to show how recluse I've become************

My last shot

This is my last chance to speak in February, and I would hate to let the day go by.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

"See what I mean, Cap'n Ahab?"

"Not sure I understand what I'm looking at, old Starbuck, but you think

this is how the fish got so white?"

hosted by Stony River

Solace

My God,
I sit tonight
As I write,
But in my soul
I kneel--
I bow down
and beg
For peace.

Is it a sign, Lord?
A sign that things are
Only skin deep.

Even the songs on the radio
Are wrong--
All pointing downward
Backward
And around.

Of course the valleys are there
To bring us to yet another mountain,
But all my mountains must be
Valleys in your eyes....
Are all your mountains valleys in mine?

delve

My lunch Hour

[I currently have 8 minutes to finish this post and get on the road to make it to work by 12:30---to continue my day until who knows what time tonight---to bring home the bacon, etc]

I've been a working mother now 7 months. I eat less vegetables.

I spend more time with my co-workers than with anyone else, including my daughter and husband.

I feel more comfortable in our finances, and feel happiness with the fact that financially we're not in a hole (anymore).

I have 1 hour to eat.

I don't work out at the gym. Nothing. No exercise except for the 50 squats I secretly do when I wake up or if I skip the morning, before I go to sleep.  These 50 squats do nothing but help me pretend like my butt isn't sagging from endless hours of sitting at a desk.

I try to write.

I try to think.

I try to read.

I try to be patient with my family.

I try to be a better woman.

I sometimes do not succeed, and sometimes I do.

JM

Out With It

I know I must have missed this
Had I been thinking about it at all,
That is.

I probably have been yearning for this
Had I just remembered I loved it so much,
Or even a little.

I should have tried to recapture this
Had I attempted to grasp anything of my past,
Or of my present.

------------------------------------------------------------

Determined

The clock is ticking down the seconds--
Throwing them in with the rest--
Eternal waste basket of used time.

My mind is focused on being calm,
Although each tick is like a powerful
drum controlling the rhythm of my heart.

I will myself patience and confidence.
I attempt double-think--trying to trick myself
That I can do this and while not probable, definitely possible.

JM

One Act One Scene Play: The Toot

[Father and daughter sitting together while eating dinner]

FART!

Daughter: I don't know what that sound was daddy. I think it was either a butterfly or a dragon.



The end.

Another Saturday night

Tonight is another saturday night at home. No friends hanging out at the crib. No phone calls. No laughing. No shopping buddies. No karaoke.  No movies and arbor mist. No "lets get our nails did." No "is there a good concert tonight?" No "lets go down town" No "geezum I'm so hungry. What do you wanna eat after church tomorrow?"

Nothing. Just me and the computer and wondering if God will send me a soul-mate friend. 

I don't often bring it up, but I miss my friend Bueno so much on nights like this.  I'm really starting to realize how she must have felt when she moved to BR without really knowing anyone. The loneliness and isolation. She was so brave to have stuck it out on her own.  

I hope that I can be as brave because right now I'm not feeling very strong.  

I know this sounds terrible, but I've never been Jillien the wife and mother. I've always been Jillien who happens to also be a wife and mother. I miss just being myself sometimes. I feel consumed with responsibility and no outlet to just be ME.  There are some women who are so amalgamated with their womanly roles that they feel totally complete in them, but me without friends or at least someone to share with is becoming overwhelming.

While I knew that coming here was going to bring me closer to my family because we were to rely on each other so much more than ever before, I never could have imagined how suffocating it would feel after a while.

I love my daughter and husband with all of my heart and hope that this is just a fleeting emotion. Just a little hurtle in a long stretch of contentment. That God will put me in the right place at the right time and help me to connect.