Why are unbelievers so angry?

My Facebook wall is filled with the CRAZIEST posts imaginable. My husband jokes that we can't open my Facebook whenever kids are around from fear of having them exposed to some raunchy, angry, offensive, weird stuff!

But for the most part my wall is filled with 1 of 2 things:

Either obscene pictures 

or

Angry atheistic posts and photos

Now with regard to these angry atheist posts, I wonder where their adamance comes from? I had a friend once say, "You know, I don't believe in the tooth fairy, but I don't feel any compulsions to walk up to random children and yell in their faces 'THERE'S NO TOOTH FAIRY!!! ITS ALL MAKE BELIEVE. YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT FOR BELIEVING THE IN TOOTH FAIRY!!" 

So I don't believe in the tooth fairy, it doesn't stir up any strong feelings.

And really, he has a point. If you don't believe in God, then don't. Where does this anger and need to exclaim and constantly profess this unbelief come from? 

I have a theory, and it happens to come from my first hand experience living and marrying my husband who was an atheist when we met, and who is now a devout Christian.

Let me start off by saying that there are some atheists who are mostly scientific, who lost faith due to some inconsistency they found within the natural world and the word of God, but they don't usually express such anger.

But regarding my experience with my friends who have become atheists to the point of anger against God this is my theory:

They encompass a soul; so every fibre of their beings calls and yearns for the holy Spirit, but something has happened in their pasts that make them angry against God. It could have been a betrayal, abandonment, abuse, injustice, suffering, the list goes on. But something happened to them that they felt was so unfair and unloving that they became incensed! So through their anger they decided that a truly loving God must not exist because he allowed "______" to happen. 

They lash out at Christians and try to stump them with tough questions, such as "Well if Jesus is God, who did he pray to?" yadda yadda yadda.  They ask these questions, while on the surface hoping the Christian fumbles in his response so they can pounce and humiliate him, but under the surface, deep down in the very pit of their subconscious, they are yearning for an answer that makes sense. They are dying inside for someone to love them. And they get so FRUSTRATED when they receive fluffy sentimental answers, when what they really need is reason! They want this world to make sense.  

And it is because of this that we as Christians need to start taking our faith seriously--we need to mature in our faith and move on from sentimentality to science and reason. God created science and so really the evidence is stacked on our side. But we need to learn it. We need to arm ourselves with the truth so that when a hungry atheist is biting at our heals we have the bread of life with which to nourish him! 

Pick up a book on Christian apologetics like Dr. Craig's On Guard or Strobel's Case for Christ or Case for Faith. Read and learn. Fill your mind with the wonder of the LORD and then let your cup overflow into the lives of your neighbors, coworkers, friends, and unbelievers!

Why I prefer Prefolds!--Cloth diapers

My lil' Maggie is soon to turn 5 months old, and since birth I've been using cloth diapers on her.

During this cloth diapering adventure, I have used ALL types of diapers: fitted, prefolds, All-in-Ones, every type of cover on the market and several different brands of diapers i.e. bummies, thirsties, cloth-eez, bum genius, swaddlebees--THE WORKS.

All that to paint the picture for you that I have ruled out certain diapers through the process of elimination. Of course, cloth diapering is a subjective, and each mother has her own favorites or methods.

Here's mine:

I love prefolds! "Why?!: You may be asking. Lemme tell ya...

Reason #1
They are malleable. There are several different folds you can use depending on what works best on your child. I tend to use one fold when I know baby is probably going to go #2 in that diaper, and a different fold, when I know baby is just going to be making peepee.

Fitteds and all all-in-ones are they way they are, plain and simple. Be they too long, too wide, or too tight around the thigh---deal with it. Not a prefold. It conforms. I like that.

Reason #2
Yes, prefolds do take the longest to put on, but it's totally worth it because I find them to be the most effective. Reason being is this: whenever baby has what would normally be a "blowout," it is VERY rare that it should leak out of the prefold, but if it does, the COVER is there to catch it. This means that I've never had to throw out an outfit because it got poop all over it! I have a 2-prong defense against the poop! Yeah my cover may have gotten a bit poopy, but BIG DEAL. I pop that sucker into the diaper pail and pull out another set.

Reason #3
They are the least expensive route to cloth diapering. Fitteds are more expensive for a convenience that is minuscule, and all-in-ones are MUCH pricier, and I've found that they take an ETERNITY to dry--so they suck up even more of my $$ through running the drier over and over.

Look I'm no cloth diapering expert. I'm just a regular mom trying to save a buck and keep my kids healthy. I've not read any scholarly journals or taken classes at Duke University on cloth diapering. I'm just telling you what I've found through my real-world experience. I have friends that SWEAR by all-in-ones. They say they are just like disposables. (I don't find that to be the case. My experience has been that they are prone to leaking.)

Anyway, if you want to be environmentally friendly AND save a few bucks--try prefolds and covers. They take an extra 15 seconds at the changing table, but save a net ton of diapers from entering landfills and keep your hard earned cash in your pocket!

POST SCRIPT:

YIKES I didn't even mention the diapers that you have to stuff with those doublers. Those take a LIFETIME to prep. Just buy a prefold and move on :D

Advice for 1st Time Stay at Home Moms

So a friend of mine recently  decided to become a stay at home mom after having her 3rd child. She had worked out the home for her whole adult life, and her mother had taken care of her previous 2 children. But after moving to NC, there was no one familiar that she would feel comfortable leaving her children with. This left her with a really difficult and scary decision to make. Find a daycare or stay at home....

She and her husband decided it was best to stay home.

I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of the lives of my daughters. When my eldest was near 4 years old, we moved to NC and I got a job. I worked for about a year and a half, but when I found out that I was pregnant with our second daughter, I started making arrangements to stay home at around the 6th month of my pregnancy.

I understand how comforting it is to have a second income, and during that time, I was able to get us out of debt and save for a 6 month emergency fund. I was blessed to have my pastor's wife and great friend taking care of Lia during that time. But every fiber of my being calls to me to be with my children. I honestly had no idea prior to becoming a mother that I would want to be a stay at home mom. I definitely wasn't brought up that way...

My mother was a career woman. She went back to work 3 weeks after I was born. She didn't change a single diaper and had my grandmother take care of most of the nurturing aspects of rearing an infant. But she was brilliant and strong. Independent and competent. And she reared me to be just like her.  It was my husband (who had been brought up with a sahm all his life) who convinced me to stay home with Lia. I was DEAD SET on maintaining my career and earning a living. But he was right. I LOVED every minute.

So I've had experience going from sahm to work-out-the-home mom back to being a stay-at-home mom, and here's my advice to those who are considering doing this major leap of faith.

#1 RELAX:
Be confident in your ability as a mother. No one can love your children better or more than you can. Remember that even if you make mistakes that the holy Spirit will be able to straighten out any wrinkles in your parenting technique. Like I always say... "You gotta fake it, till you make it!" Do your best and good things will eventually result.

#2 TITHE:
There is less money. Going from one income to two requires some major self-control and discipline when it comes to your money handling. The first step to acquiring that discipline is by tithing. Tithing is the practice of giving 10% of your income to your local church, and if you don't have a local church give it to charity (then go find a church :D). It also sets a culture of generosity in your family and a realization that you are blessed and rich-AND that there are others out there that need more than you. Set a culture of obedience to God and generosity toward others. Start tithing today. (This is good advice to any and everyone in all situations actually)

#3 IDENTITY:
Remember to be yourself. Yes, we love being mothers, but that is NOT all we are as women. I was Jillien before I was a mother and will be Jillien still once my girls are out of the house. If I lose myself, I risk being very unhappy when I can't find myself after I remember to start looking. Find hobbies, friends, routines outside of those you have for your children.

I'm sure there are so many other things I could say, but these three to me are the most important. Feel free to comment with any other words of advice you may have.

How much is TOO much?

So I know parents out there can agree with me when  I say that sometimes kids get themselves in sticky situations or potentially dangerous situations, but then MIRACULOUSLY come out unscathed!

Well this week my 3 month old did the old "roll-off-the-couch" maneuver. While I was totally wigged out, she actually didn't hurt herself or even fuss for more than 15 seconds! She landed on a pillow, but that doesn't take away from the panic and overall crappiness I felt, having allowed her to fall off of the darn couch...

Now came my dilemma. Taking into consideration that Baby was alright, Should I or Shan't I tell Lee that baby rolled off couch?

One friend advised to tell him in like 20 years when its become inconsequential.
Can you imagine that conversation? "Oh yeah, I have something to tell you. When baby was 3 months old she rolled off the couch. It was terrifying! Pretty touch and go for a while. But as you can see, alls well that ends well. Love ya :D"

At the same time, telling him now when he's so emotionally charged and overbearingly protective of her could cause him to overreact ey? And if you know my husband, you also know that he has a tendency to overreact to such situations.

So, I did end up telling him, and I have to admit that he took it rather well.

Little Lia goes to School

Crazy how long 5.5years takes to FLY by. Its so strange. On one hand it feels like there was no life before being a mother. Like this day was a long time coming, and on the other hand, it feels like just yesterday she was a tiny baby sleeping in my arms.

Congratulations Lia on your first day of school. This is the first day of 20+ years of formal education, my baby. Good luck.

Quotes of Late: Butterfly edition

Me: Lia, tell me what 2 things balloons are good for?
Lia: Popping and flying away.
Me: That's right baby :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lia: Mommy, you think that God catches all the balloons that fly away and has fun with them?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lia: I caught this balloon before it flowed away. I think God has enough balloons.

Blogging!

Having had this blog since I was 19 years old, I have a kind of reference library for my writing in a way--I would definitely go as far as referring to it as a history of my personality and sense of humor. I turn 27 this month, and my little archaic viewer counter just recently reached 20,000 visitors onto this page, and  while I'm sure 20k unique individuals haven't read my blog, A LOT of people have. Old friends, lost friends, ex-boyfriends, strangers, creepers, you name it and it's come here, I'm sure.

For giggles I started browsing through the archive and stumbled onto this post: http://stupidsometimes.blogspot.com/2009/02/tag-im-it.html from 3+ years ago, and to be honest, it still makes me laugh :D
Lee says I'm the only person he knows that cracks herself up as much as I do, and I just tell him that I crack myself up because I'm hilarious!

But it is a strange feeling going back. I've not reread my entire blog, but I wonder sometimes how I will feel if my children ever read this mess.  I'm sure I will be ashamed of plenty and will have a lot of explaining to do, but this is all I've ever known really. Before this blog, there was a old funky geocities page on yahoo, and before that I would write in a journal. But writing is all I know.

I think of my English degree and wonder, what the hell am I? People with teaching degrees are teachers, biology degrees--biologists, chemistry degrees are chemists, engineering degrees are engineers, but WHAT AM I!?

So I went to college to learn how to read and write better that the a-ver-age bear (although you would never know it by judging the grammar and writing on this blog!) But what am I really?I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think I've yet done enough to establish myself in this world, but here I am still clicking away at this keyboard. still hitting publish on this blog that... can be a little stupid sometimes, ya know?!

The Burn--A cautionary tale

Was it preventable? Absolutely, but because of my getting distracted and not paying attention as much as I should have, I spilled searing hot oil on my hand while trying to brown some meat for a lasagne.

Now 4 days later, while doing the exercises that the occupational therapist taught me at the burn center, I'm typing this post--slowly.

I'm currently being monitored by a plastic surgeon and am in risk of needing to have skin graft surgery.

The moral of the story: Slow down and do each daily task diligently and safely. It could be anything from safely storing cleaning products to exercising due caution when cooking.

Trust me, It's worth it!

Cloth Diapers Revisited: Advice for cloth diapering on vacation

It has been almost 3 months now using cloth diapers, and I have to say that I'm convinced this is the best method for diapering. Having diapered my first daughter conventionally using disposables, I feel like I have a good reference for comparison. My most recent vacation to Myrtle Beach definitely solidified my growing and strengthening preference toward cloth diapering.

So we recently went on vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC. I know, I know. What kind of crazy person goes on vacation with a 2 month old, right?!!? And had it been only for vacation's sake, we probably wouldn't have gone, but it was so that Lee parents could meet the baby and also we knew that Lia would have a blast, and it ended up being AWESOME and Maggie was an angel!

Anyway, we brought both disposables and cloth on our trip, and I have to admit that the cloth diapers are just more comfortable for the baby and more effective.

How do I know they are more comfortable? Because the plastic of the disposable was rubbing into her skin along the tops of her legs. She was getting these thin cuts along her thighs and hips. Now you may be thinking that I didn't get the right size, but you'd be wrong. They fit perfectly except that natural movement of her body would cause the thin elastic to bunch and stretch and scrape her legs. Maggie is a chunkier baby (95% in weight), so with the soft cotton of the pre fold, I don't have to worry about that!

How do I know they are more effective? Because when she poops in a cloth diaper it stays IN the diaper and doesn't slide its way up to her back! that only happens when she's wearing a disposable. And there isn't anything worse than baby poop all over your brand new dress!

Needless to say, we used our cloth diapers as much as we could on the trip and only put the disposables on her when the cloths were washing.

That is the downside though--the need to wash, and the kind of stinky stanky-ness in between washes, because there ain't no way around it--cloth diapers are stinkier when they can't be washed as often.

Here are some tips for cloth diapering on the go or on vacation!

1. To be honest cloth diapering on vacation is just like cloth diapering at home EXCEPT that you'll really need to use your wet bag for storage of the soiled diapers instead of your large bin, like at home. So choose a nice big wet bag instead of the small ones that way if ever you need to store more than a couple of diapers, like when on a play date, you'll be prepared for any situation. I have the large planet wise wet diaper bag and it worked really well. But be prepared it does get a little ripe in between washes.

2. Remember to wash/dry diapers before you completely run out of clean diapers. OR bring a few disposables. I use prefolds and diaper covers. (I've used fitteds, all in ones, and disposables, but My stand out favorites are the prefolds and covers. It is an extra step but well worth it to me. Stay tuned for a blog about that very subject soon!) having a couple of diapers on hand at all times is vital! But where do you put them dirty ones when the wet bag is washing!?!? That's why I brought some disposables along too!

3. CLOTH WIPES! That way you can clean the baby and just stick everything in the wet bag, and not have to worry about a separate bag or bin for the wipes. My friend gave me some cloth wipes a while back and here's a link to make you own diaper wipes solution. http://www.zany-zebra.com/cloth-wipe-solution.shtml

Hope this helps!

---->CLICK HERE<----- to read about my initial experiences cloth diapering a newborn!

Little Lia

 Sometimes I get so frustrated with Lia for her just being herself. I wish she were more mature (yikes! she's only 5 years old, what do I expect, right?!) I wish she were a faster learner. More advanced. More patient. I don't know why. I guess it's the danger of comparison. I promised myself when she was a baby that I would never compare her to other children, but somewhere along the way I started breaking that promise. And it wasn't until yesterday evening that I realized how special those little quirks of hers are. How precious her personality is, and how I should NEVER wish she were more conventional. It was only after I told a couple of stories about Lia to a friend that the blinders were lifted off my eyes. (All this may seem common sensical to all of you, but to me it was a real revelation. For some reason, I wanted Lia to read like all her friends read, and play like all her friends play, and learn like all her friends learn, and it really frustrated me that she didn't)

Anyway below are the anecdotes that made my heart melt for my beautiful daughter Lia.

Story #1: The Inchworm

Lia  became infatuated with bugs a couple of months back. She was determined to have a bug as a pet. So when her dad took her to the park for a friend's birthday party, she seized the opportunity to catch an inchworm and bring him home. She set up a little sanctuary for him inside a plastic cup-with branch, leaf, grass and flowers. It was an inchworm paradise.That night when she went to bed I got curious about what that little worm was doing in there, so I took him off the table where he'd been situated and sat the cup on the floor next to me. Well I got sleepy, went to bed, and completely forgot about the little worm until the morning, when I noticed the cup had been tipped over and a cat licking his lips. Oreo, our cat, had eaten Lia's worm, and it was all my fault! First thing she asked when she woke up that morning was about her worm, and I felt terrible when I had to tell her the truth, "mommy put the cup on the floor and oreo ended up eating the worm. I'm so sorry baby. Please forgive me." And she did forgive me. She's an angel.

Story # 2: The roly poly

She tried having a bug as a pet again, and another plastic cup came into the house.  Inside was a large, rolled up roly poly. At first I thought it was just too scared to unroll, but as the hours passed I started to suspect that the roly poly was dead.... My daughter brought home a dead roly poly as a pet. I convinced her that he'd be happier outside in the fresh air, and she and her daddy went downstairs and "set him free."


Story #3: The boy and the Girl

This is the preface to story #4. And it starts with a question Lia asked me months ago, "Mommy, how does a boy get a girl?"
Of course I asked her what she meant by that, and she clarified, "You know; how did daddy get you?" So it dawned on me, she wants to know how you get a husband or a wife. Boy = Husband.

Story # 4: In America

In attempt to teach my 5 year old about the meaning of Memorial Day, I do the usual.... make up songs to the melody of famous show tunes! This time I used West Side Story's America. I tried to express to her how lucky she is to be an American. How in other countries girls can't go to school, or marry whom they wish to marry, or wear what they want to wear, or become what they want to become.She had been telling me recently that she wants to be a pilot when she grows up. So naturally I started there... "Lia can be a pilot in America. She can fly planes in America. Watch her fly high in America! Lia's a pilot in America!" Maggie was a Dentist in America... Lia then became a gymnast in America, and I finally ended with "ORRR you can be what mommy is!! 'Lia can be a stay at home mom in America. Take care of her babies in America. Give them hugs and kisses in America. All day long in America!" She sat quiet for only a moment before she asked me...  "Mommy can I be a pilot and my boy stay home with the kids?" I looked at her with both shock and pride...Inside I'm thinking "HELL YEAH! You can be a pilot and let your old man stay home with the kids!! My strong, independent, warrior princess!" But to her I only said, "Of course you can do that! Baby this is AMERICA! You can do anything you want in America!"

That Gummy Grin

Some instinctual, innate happiness,
Which comes only from pure joy.
Truly immaculate.
The type of satisfaction and contentment
Forgotten by adults, echoed by children, but known by infants--
So recently bodiless--wholly spiritual beings
In the presence of the Lord.
Then cocooned in the warm, safe womb of a mother--
Floating, swaying, singing, dancing to the gentle thumping of her heart.
Then the cold comes.
The scratchy linens upon sensitive smooth skin.
The loud noises
The unfamiliar faces and colors--
with only the comforting and familiar embrace of mommy to ease the fear.
In the infantile slumber there are
Visions
Memories
Of Paradise.
Of Glory.
Of God.
Then spread across the chubby cheeked cherub
A wide gummy grin.

delve

When do I reenter the world?

This past weekend marked the first time that I'd ventured out with the baby since she was born.  1 month. I spent a month inside. It felt like I was quarantined, but it is shocking how quickly time flies with a newborn. Perhaps the lack of sleep melts all the days together, and once you've revived enough to be moderately coherent another week has gone by.

Newborn-two weeks down & a lifetime to go

I'm so incredibly happy to have baby Maggie. Thank God that He knows more than I do. Thank God that He is in charge of my life, and I'm not. Thank God that His plans for my life are wiser and better than my plans. In reality, I've yet to plan a child. I don't know the feeling of "trying" to have a kid. Both of my children were wonderful little surprises :D Quite honestly, I'm pretty certain that had I been left to plan that part of my life, I probably would not have any kids!

But one thing I wish I would have planned better was what to do with this angel baby once we come home. I don't remember being this insecure the  first time around. I double-guess every single decision or thought I have as to the proper way to react or proceed in any given situation. What is with this insecurity? I keep trying to go with the flow, but then something inside me screams, "You're messing up. You're not doing this right."

Quotes of Late

Me: Don't let that cat in here. I want him to think a fire-breathing dragon lives in this room.

Lia: Look at her smell holes.
   (Aka: Nostrils)

Lia to her Gma who's come to visit: Wanna see all the ants in my room?!?!?!?!

Lee: Your mom's gonna be here at 1:50 and it's already 1 o'clock!!...(Looks at the clock and its 11:45).

Newborn, Week Two: What did I get myself into?

So Maggie made 1 week on Friday, and week 2 has been filled with worry that I'm not doing this right. I can't sleep at night. I can't nap during the day. I'm consumed with, "Am I letting her nap too much? Is she getting enough milk? Should I have her on some sort of schedule like they do in BabyWise? Am I feeding her too often. Should I change her diaper while she napping or let her sleep? Should I change her diaper before or after I nurse....."

It's endless.

All this led me to start searching the internet for sleep schedules and feeding schedules for newborns, and I've learned 2 things on this search journey.

1. Newborns make their own schedules and God designed it that way. So if that kid wants to eat, feed him. And if that kid wants to sleep, let him.

2. There are too many resources in this world. Too many experts writing too many books about stuff that is instinctual and common sensical, and all its good for is to make us second-guess ourselves as mothers and wives BUT ESPECIALLY as mothers.

From this point forward I'm leaning on God and His holy Spirit to lead me. To give me strength in the endless nights and patience during  the busy and loud days.

Cloth Diapering: my first week

There are so many blogs, websites, youtube videos devoted to cloth diapering and why it's awesome and why it's best for your baby and yadda yadda yadda...

Lemme just tell you from an honest, non-biased perspective what I've learned from my very first week of cloth diapering my newborn.

My daughter Maggie was born last Friday. We were released from the hospital Saturday night, and since Saturday night I've been cloth diapering, with the exception of a few disposables here and there (mostly for the benefit of having my husband change a diaper, since he's uber-uncomfortable with the cloth ones so far....don't get me wrong though, he's pretty bad with the disposables too!)

Mythbuster time:

Myth #1: Cloth diapers take longer to change than disposables---TRUE!
-While I'm not going to exaggerate and say that it takes 10X longer or anything like that, it does indeed take longer to do a diaper change and all around diaper care than disposables. I read a blog somewhere that said "it's as easy as 1,2,3." Okay yeah putting the baby in the diaper takes three steps, and we can ALL master three steps but there are other more time consuming steps too...
Step 1: Theres removing the soiled diaper and  putting it aside for further care. *Notice I said remove and not get rid of or dispose. There's a reason for this, once i get to the later steps*

Step 2: clean baby (normal)

Step 3: put on fitted or pre-fold diaper onto baby. The fitted ones have velcro or snaps. The prefolds require a snappy or pin.

Step 4: Place cover.

Here's the doozy:

Step 5: Clean the poop off the original diaper.
---So I read somewhere---Newborn poop is runny and water soluble, you can just stick in the washer and it comes right out. Well it didn't work like that for me! I had poop all over everything in that washer-- the other diapers, the machine.... It was horrible and had to do another load, and let me just tell you--having to use all that water does not make me happy. Thankfully we purchased a diaper sprayer that attaches to the toilet. (and it leaks! but we're learning to deal with it--that's another story) Anyways back to the poop.

Here's my system:
- take poopy diaper to toilet.
-spray poop into toilet.
-wring out sopping wet diaper into toilet
-spray stains with enzyme spray
-place diaper into diaper pail.

So Yeah putting the diaper on is easy as 1.2.3, but the general process is much longer!

Myth #2: Cloth diapers stink--False
--No they don't. (that one was easy)

Myth #3: Cloth diapers work just as well as disposables
--Yes and no.
The baby is definitely wetter. I find this kind of concerning because I'm worried that the wetness will cause rashes and even though I change her super often, she seems to be in a perpetual state of laying on wet cloths, which I would think is very uncomfortable. I mean when my clothes get wet, and I have to sit in it for a while, I'm uncomfortable.
But this wetness comes with a good reason. I've eliminated all those chemicals and other unnatural substances from her skin by not putting her in a disposable. So while disposables do keep the baby drier (which in the middle of the night when I'm exhausted and really don't feel like getting up to change another diaper, sounds realllllllyyyyyyy tempting!) the cloth diapers keep the baby more natural. (I won't say healthier because I'm not sure if there are any health concerns about diapers. I do know that environmentally all that waste is terrible. There are statistics somewhere on the internet that says a baby goes through a ton of diapers in his lifetime or something outrageous like that.)  But healthier, I'm not sure. Maggie has a little redness on her bottom, and I'm wondering if it isn't from all that wet cloth on her butt.

So these are my discoveries after a week.

I've also done about 5 loads of diapers in the washer so far. (The drier is running right now actually)
Use the hot/cold.

Now that didn't seem like a positive review, but it's only because those were the things that I had optimistically believed when reading about this process that turned out to not be so exact. All in all, Im happy about them. They aren't difficult to use (just more time consuming).  I'm adjusting.

My Induction

No not into the Best Moms on Earth Hall-of-Fame, but the official eviction notice of baby girl #2.
I knew that it was protocol to schedule an induction when you've gone past your due date, so today when the surgery nurse calls at 11:30AM to say that I'm scheduled for Sunday morning, I was nervous but felt relieved that I had a little time for this child to come naturally and spontaneously.  Imagine my surprise when she calls back around 2 to say... Ummmm never mind. We need you to come in tonight. There's a scheduling conflict. Its now or never. She starts talking about me being in risk for a c-section. And how, after I practically wigged out on the phone about why on God's green Earth would I be at risk for cesarian?!?!?!, this is the first time that she's ever had a woman not want to be induced and how everyone else was usually like "okay let's do it."

So I literally spent 2+hours crying, wigging out, and talking to the surgery nurse, until FINALLY and ingeniously, my sister-in-law advised me to tell the nurse that I no longer wanted to communicate with her, but instead to have the doctor call  and advise me, which he did!

And he calmed my nerves. He said that if I were his wife, he would have me come in tonight. That it was in the best interest of the baby. And in a metaphor that I found more endearing than offensive, he compared my pregnancy to baking cookies, saying that he prefers his cookies chewier rather than crispy, and right now this baby's getting crispy. He let me know that I'm at lowest risk NOW and that the risk only increases as time passes.

So all this to say that I'm heading to the hospital tonight by 8:30 and that I'll have a baby by tomorrow. While it's not the way I wanted for all this to happen, I am confident that God is with me and will watch over my family. Thanks to all of you for your prayers.

And as a side note. Just minutes ago, my husband came up to me with this to say:

Lee: Can we just take a moment to massage each other, I have so much stress and pains....?

[What does he know about stress and pains! hahahah]

Waiting

Sitting alone

Speaking to no one

Listening to the hum of my ceiling fan set to high,

I'm on edge.

Every crack and pop of settling furniture and walls

Causes my head to turn.

Every second that has passed

Since their departure,

Has been spent in this fashion--

Anxiously awaiting their return.

I've settled into a state of constant anticipation.

My mother in Law

Has come to visit and stay during my "critical period." My due date is the 31st, and she'll be here until the 4th to help us with my eldest, if we have to rush to the hospital in the middle of the night or stay extendedly.  I don't know about you, but it's always been difficult for me to have a guest stay over because I feel like I need to keep up appearances, keep a cleaner house, maintain a stocked fridge and pantry, etc....
And it is on this last point that I wish to settle.

don't judge the obvious
 disorganization and overall
lack of cleanliness of my
pantry, s'il vous plait.

She has gone shopping. Grocery shopping. And purchased almost every single item that never fits into our budget. She literally shopped right off of our grocery wish list. Things like cream cheese, crackers, salsa con queso, frozen chicken nuggets, and much much more.

My friends all made fun of me a few months back because I was explaining how my husband wanted a box of crackers, which I did not buy because it wasn't in my budget. (almost all snack food, fruit juices, ready made breakfast items are out of the budget really) Then they all started trying to guess what kind of crackers it was.... Cheezit (sp?), ritz, pita, all these other fancy crackers, and I'm like, "No, saltines."

They thought I was ridiculous!! Surely I could squeeze in a box of saltine crackers!?! Wellllll I ended up feeling bad and going out to get my husband a box of saltines, and he was eternally grateful. It actually felt so good to have gotten him the saltines that I've become a little more lax with my shopping list and have allowed some goodies in there too (but definitely not at the expense of the toothpaste or something more important.)


But now I need not worry because my mother-in-law has purchased the coveted saltines, along with so many other things that I can't even express how grateful I am for her generosity. I'm sure to others a tub of store-brand strawberry cream cheese is no big deal, but to us it's like ambrosia because of how rare it is to find in our home.

Her visit has proven to be long overdue. Lia is overjoyed! She is quite honestly bouncing off the walls. My husband is thrilled to be with his mother, and I'm grateful and appreciative of her presence and the joy she is bringing to my family.

I was there too

Child,
I was there,
Behind the lens.
Although you can't see me,
I saw all there was to see,
Capturing all I could,
From behind the lens.
And now that you're grown
And memories are fading
And time is flying
And life is waiting--for no one,
I remember it all, my child.
I snapped it into eternity
Using that lens.
So in the years to come
When you're trying to relive
Some precious memories
By looking at these
Remember I was there too.

Delve

If I hear someone tell me I'm nesting, one more time....

I'm gunna go off (inside my head), but on the outside I'll just chuckle and say, "Yeah I suppose."

But lemme just tell you that it ticks me off.

If you were having a guest over to your home, would you not clean? If you were having someone move in, would you not have to move things around to make room? Why when I've got another human moving in with me for at least 18 years by means of birthing her are my cleaning and rearranging attributed to this irrational, hormone-induced hysteria known as "nesting?"

Any other time I single-mindedly clean and organize, others attribute it to a  normal "spring cleaning" mentality. Have a baby in your belly and people tilt their heads to the side, give you this all-knowing smile, and smartly comment on your nesting...

**Now after rereading this rant, I suppose I am a little hormonal and hysterical...Time for this baby to come! Then maybe I'll go  back to normal.***

Quotes of Late

Lee: There was definitely something wrong with that meat! You should have brought it back. It was probably some sort of hormone-injected, chemical cow!

Lia [after a play date at her friend's house]: That's why I didn't do it, when she said  let's put the chairs in the bathtub...
--I had to start paying closer attention to watch she was talking about, after I heard that!

OBGYN: "Your mom's got some skinny ankles."

My kid watches too much TV

When Lia was born, every second was its own precious moment. Each tick of the clock memorable and priceless. The time FLEW, and the weeks and months would pass in a flash, leaving me grasping at the fleeing coattails of time.

Five and a half years later, I all too often allow my kid to watch hours of television, while I clean and sit and check facebook and whatever other unproductive, un-impactful activity I can find to occupy my time other than staring at her beautiful face trying to remember every single line and freckle. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I'll remember this moment. Will I remember this little song she made up? Will I remember this funny little dance she's doing, and I try desperately to imprint it on my soul so that it becomes a part of who I am. So the next time I laugh or sing or dance, somewhere deep inside is the spirit of a little girl forever preserved in my eternal soul.

I honestly believe that my purpose for living is to be Lia's mother, and surely once we have our newest baby girl, my purpose will include her as well.

So I've spent these last 3 months dedicated to becoming a better mother. And being present in Lia's life in a way that I hadn't been the last year and a half of working outside the home. And trying to make memories. And attempt to become a better version of myself.  I can't say if it worked, but I can say I tried....

Today is the day!

I get to go grocery shopping today, and let me tell you-- the grocery situation in this house has become desperate!

We have barely anything and have been reduced to eating black beans for 2 days. But it was totally worth it because it means that I've succeeded.

Let me explain.
So given the new financial situation of our family, I've reevaluated my spending habits. Many things that were once STAPLES for our family; things that never even crossed my mind that they were wants and not needs--have been extricated from my home and no longer purchased by me. For example: Paper towels. I don't think I've bought a single package of paper towels for 5 months or so now! And have I missed them?!? No way, Jose! I purchased some cloths in a big package from Walmart and have never looked back. I don't wash any extra either. They don't take up a lot of space, and so I just throw them in the washing machine with whatever else needs washing, and it's done!

Every time I pick up a major spill with ONE cloth and then throw in the washer instead of the trashcan, it's like I've just passed some sort of cosmic test, and I totally whooped its butt!

But that's the not only thing. Especially when it comes to groceries. I buy No snack foods. No juices. No frozen meals. And all of those changes save up my cash to purchase food that will actually LAST me 2 weeks (or close to it, judging from my empty refrigerator). If I purchased a box of poptarts, my family would inhale it in 3 days max! and there goes a $3 /3 day investment. But a bag of flour makes pancakes and waffles for months!

Don't get me wrong there are things that we consume, almost gluttonously, like CEREAL! It's a definite need for my family. I bet they would rather go vegetarian and me never buy meat again, if it interfered with my buying of cereal.  It's serious business.

So I guess, my advice to anyone who is in need of curbing his or her spending is to first mentally prepare yourself to be uncomfortable AT FIRST. Because we are spoiled as a society. So any type of sacrifice or curbing of habits can be almost painful, but I need to assure you that you will persevere! Once you get into the hang of things, you will be just as comfortable or even more comfortable than before because you know in the back of your head how smart you're being.  Secondly, see how bare-bones you can go. What do I mean by that? Well start eliminating things from your shopping list that used to be an automatic addition.  For me, the first step was paper towels. (Usually when I tell people that I don't buy paper towels, they almost automatically go to "Are you gunna stop buying toilet paper too?!" The answer is NO by the way. Get serious!) Next came certain household cleaners that I found I could replace with just a gallon of bleach and vinegar and water in a spray bottle. Super saving lemme tell you. And my home is just as clean!

Next--commit! I read in this book, that the more you go to the store the more you spend--something like 40% more ( i don't know the exact #'s. I suppose I could get off my butt, walk over to the book shelf 3 feet away and look it up, but I ain't gunna) Anyway the point of it was this. Every time you go to the store just to pick up "a few things" you end up with more things than you ever intended to buy. And for someone on a tight budget, going to the store 3 times a week to pick up a few little things can really add up and jeopardize the financial stability of his household. So how do you fix this? Easy (kind of). Just stop going to the store. I've committed to only going to the store on payday, which for our family is every other Thursday.  That means I go 2 weeks without stepping into a grocery store, and therefore am not tempted to purchase even the smallest of items! It also means that if on day 10 I'm out of eggs, then I've committed myself and my family to go without until I am able to go back to the store in just a few more painful days!

This is my system, and this has worked for me. You may not be in a place where you need to limit your spending, but statistically that's not norm. There are staggering statistics about the average American household having up to $16,000 in credit card debt...I don't care if you make 200k a year! to have that much debt signifies needing some better spending habits, and it all starts with recognizing that there are things you are spending your money on that are unnecessary.

Good luck!

Tick Tock

Time is flying, and this new addition to our family will be here soon.

One of the most common questions that I'm being asked is, "Are you ready?" And my honest response is, "no."

And I don't mean in that flighty, hormonal sort-a-way, when I just can't get the house clean enough... I'm talking about not even knowing where the hospital is! No changing table. No bottles. No milk storage. No  labor plan. No experience with these crazy cloth diapers that I've decided to invest in because I NEED to save money-- because along with having no real plan, we also have no extra money.

Now that I'm not earning a salary, we have turned into a paycheck to paycheck family. If it weren't for the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover approach to saving, this time would be really scary. But because I spent the year and a half of working to save every spare penny I could, we are confident that God will bless us one day with more income, and until then we have enough saved to get us through--hopefully. We just remember to keep giving, and the Lord will make sure to keep providing.

If I had to be honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I've been winging it, and as in most situations when one "wings-it," this has the potential of blowing up in my face.

I have a lot of fears, most of which center around the delivery. I'm worried because I'm not familiar with this practice and their methods that my delivery won't go the way I want. I'm scared the epidural won't go the way my first did, and that I'll be completely crippled and the delivery will take so much longer than necessary because of my inability to move. I'm scared that at the first sign of difficulty that they'll rush me over to c-section. I'm scared that they'll be impatient with me--especially after having been told at my last appointment that they will induce me if the baby doesn't come after 41 weeks.... WELL I had my first daughter at 42 weeks... Can I say no? If they schedule to induce me, do I just not show up at my "appointment?"

There are so many other fears and anxieties! Too many to list. Too many to describe. Too many to explain or justify!

I have to TRY to surrender this to the Lord and allow him to take the reins. Let Him take care of this situation and all others that may come up. I have to try to remember that I have no control over each and every detail, but I do have control over my faith. I need peace. I need surrender. But knowing what's right and actually doing it are different things. So I'm going to just have to keep trying.

Do I miss the beat?

The tap, tap, tap
Rappity tap
Clickety clap
Of home...
The beat of the city,
Moving the air,
Sends gusts of jazz through the atmosphere.
The flowers below
The branches above
Tremble.
They know the day is near.
The day when home loses its perimeter.
No longer is it just a city
With man made boundaries on the east
And a river to the west.
The day when home has no natives--
When the city itself swallows everything and anything
That steps within its shaking grasp.
When clothes are optional,
Vices are encouraged,
Sins soon committed, and
Regrets left to be cleansed.
When I close my eyes,
I can see my city
Through the vibrant haze of
Debauchery.
Do I miss the beat?
I am the beat.
Twas forged into me
By the skilled hands of an ancient city.
With every breath I breathe
In this strange northern land,
I shake it up--
Leave it altered and skewed.
An infinitesimal variation
Connecting me to home.

Delve

How to fit a 5 year old, a newborn, and 2 old farts into a 2 bedroom apartment w/ no money!

Step One: try not to lose your mind!!!!

Step Two: Pray to God

Step Three: Look on craigslist.org for everything you need and trust that God will keep you safe from the crazies

--I have been almost obsessive with getting my apartment ready for a newborn. We were (this) close to buying a house, when we pulled out of the deal at the last minute. So we had to have a paradigm shift almost immediately. No more 2600+ sqft home to "grow into." No ma'am. It went straight to "we need to make more space. We need to fit in here. We can do it. It can be done."

Lia's always had the master bedroom of our apartment. And now she and her new sister will share it. I've been looking around in every room to see what is superfluous. What is a want and not a need. Let me just tell you that I found the MOST in the kitchen. The darn panini machine was taking up space where a baby bullet needs to go. The quesadilla maker needs to move over for the bottles. Wine glasses--see ya later! Grill cheese maker--adios!

I encourage everyone to periodically go through his or her house and think to himself, "If I had to fit another person in here, what needs to go to make way for the new?"

It's incredibly overwhelming, but I'm sure that it is not an impossible task. Although my house is a disaster, I'm convinced it is only because it needs to get worse before it gets better.

By the time we say hello to girl # 2, I'm hoping that the home will be organized and clean and livable and spacious.

A Reevaluation

So there have been a lot of changes in my life recently, and it's been so long since I've blogged that I can't even remember what I've written about--nor do I have time to go back and read! Pathetic! My plan is to just type from the top of my head, and if I've repeated anything, my sincere apologies.

So starting January 1st, I'm back as a Stay at home mom! wowzers. It was actually a huge move considering that the whole reason I started working was because my husband's income couldn't sustain us completely here in NC. He hasn't gotten a raise and yet I'm back at home AND expecting another baby, which inevitably means MORE EXPENSES with no MORE money.

I've debated how good of a move it was to stop working so early--I mean the baby doesn't come until the end of March, for goodness sakes, couldn't I have just held out for a few more months and saved some much needed money?

But after thinking about my family and my daughter, it felt like it was time to stop. It was time to stop concentrating on how much commission I've earned, how much production I have for the month, how far behind we are on the newest promotion, how many Saturdays I'd have to come in to try to catch up, and then the guilt. The terrible guilt I would feel after spending more time with my co-workers than I do my family, and then on the weekends when I'm finally with my family, not wanting to be around them just because I want alone time.

I'm mid-way through week 2 of being back home and so far so good. I've implemented new financial and spending limits on the family to keep us living within our means.  (I'll be writing about this in the near future)

This past year and a half, we've been able to pay off all of our debts and have a fully funded emergency fund that could keep us going for 6 months if need be. With the help of God, we've started moving toward the type of financial situation that we dreamed of, but trust me when I say that we are far behind our ultimate goal.

We're looking to buy a house, yet we have no $money$ for a downpayment without spending the money in our emergency fund. BUT keep in mind that I live on the 3rd story of an apartment complex, and I don't know if not taking advantage of this market, is a good idea.

so topics on which i will soon be blogging:

1) Lee's job switch-a-roonie!
2) My budget and new spending endeavors
3) Trying to find a home that fits our budget (which is super small)

Thanks for reading, and keep coming back for some new stuff!

Quotes of Late

Lia: It's glittering.... (she meant drizzling)

Lia and Lee are playing with the marble run. Lee keeps stealing lia's marbles, and she keeps laughing and saying stop, when Lia lets a fart rip in Lee's face...
Lee: Pedito en la carita. (Fart in the face) That's a good way to stop me, baby.

Desperate

So many things are flailing all around me,
While requirements and goals and competition and expectations
are strung around my neck.
And when  the end to my struggles drew near,
My noose was loosened
And wrapped around you instead.

And I'm left with less hope than when I started.
If only I could take it all back,
and be the one still hanging.
Relieve your pressure
Your mounting pressure.
The overwhelming stress
That is building within your life.
And replace it with the peace you once knew
I'd gladly tie it on myself.

Delve

First Day

My husband had his first day at his new job today, and I swear I was probably a more nervous wreck than he was!

It's crazy. I was acting as if it was his first day at school thinking "I hope the others are nice to him. I hope that he fits in. I hope he has fun. I hope he's happy."

So when he comes home and slaps on a fake smile and says "it was alright..." my heart sank.  I know it's never perfect on your first day, but I was praying that it would be perfect for him. No need to adjust because he fits right in...

Not the case. And my hormonal, emotional self just started to cry. I cried most of the evening just wishing things would have gone better! In all honesty, my husband's happiness, comfort, and well-being both emotionally and physically are the more important things to me.

If he came home and said that he discovered his new calling and that is to be the fries specialist at McDonald's I would support him.

Where to start

Lia is 5 now.

I cooked a 20 lbs turkey today

I'm debating whether I should hit black friday sales for the first time in my life!

I'm praying that I can write 7 more auto in order to collect my paycheck at work.

I'm stressed for my husband who recently decided to change jobs.

We're looking at homes with a realtor.

Oh and did I mention....

I'm having a girl in March!

Life has been running away from me recently, and it's time to start slowing down.  if not on the outside, then definitely on the inside.

I've just allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where there are no words to express anything anymore.

There is no thankfulness. There is no peace. There is no lucidity.

I feel insecure, unsettled and stressed.

I need to take charge again.

Who me?

Nobody's perfect.--cliche of the century right? As a society we can excuse the most horrible of personality traits by rationalizing that really "no one's perfect."

The funny thing about it is that TRULY no one is perfect. As Christians we are no more flawless than non-christians. We struggle with the same temptations, vices, flaws, genetic dispositions, etc that everyone else has, yet we are called to hold ourselves at a higher standard.

Absolutely understandable and just. Don't you agree?

Ugh there's nothing worse than a judgmental Christian or an angry Christian or an ugly (in personality not looks) Christian, right!?!? Aren't they the ones that "ruin it for the rest of us." They yell "Gays are going to HELL!" and other horrendous, judgmental, mean things that are so unchristian-like it takes your breath away. Or a Christian who beats his wife. Or a Christian who molests. Or a Christian who steals... Hypocrites--ey?

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." [1 Timothy 1:15-16]

And then there are those Christians that have never done a truly sinful thing in their whole lives. They said a cuss word once upon a time, or kissed a guy under the bleachers in the 10th grade, but really delving into the darkest parts of their human nature, they have never tread.  Don't we look at those and say "What the hell do you know of my struggles?"  Oh yeah?! What do you know about hitting rock bottom? What do you know of conquering addiction? What have you ever experienced that you can understand/relate/empathize with me other than your observations of other sinful people?!

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."  C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What about the rest of us? The been-there/done-that crowd. Searching for the Kingdom. Searching for strength that all these people write about and yet we've never felt. Searching to be a leader and a beacon  and an example, while struggling to stay afloat. Praying to be a better spouse, better parent, better Christian, better person, while stumbling our ways to salvation. The moderates. The luke warm?
If we struggle with sin but are trying, does that mean we are in any way qualified to lead? If we stumble and trip our ways through life but dust off our skirts and keep walking forward, does that at all make us role models? Where do we fit in?


Psalm 103:8-14(NIV)

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
   nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
   or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.

Is blood truly thicker than water?

I think certain types of "blood" are: your mom and dad, your sister and brother, your husband or wife, your child.

Had you asked me 2+ years ago that list would have been so much longer, but now.... I don't agree.

I think Some blood is thicker than water. Maybe it's just my family. Maybe I'm the one to blame, but really when I sit and think about the way some of my family has neglected, abandoned, slandered, and avoided me, I've given up on thinking that you can rely on anyone but those that either birthed you, were birthed by the same people as you or helped you birth someone else.

Can't believe it's that time again

In 4 weeks or so my daughter turns another year older, and there has been so much going on that I barely remembered that I AM responsible for planning the party and sending the invites, and deciding the budget, and the menu, and the guest list, and the location, and the list goes on....

As a party planner I have to say that while I'm not Martha Stewart or anything, I do enjoy throwing a successful party. Last year I planned my butt off, and I don't think it was that successful. Thank goodness Lia was only 4 and didn't realize that everyone showed up an hour late and we only had 15 minutes to eat and sing happy birthday before the "nice" museum people kicked us out of the room.

I had never had such a nerve-racking, disappointing, but then redeeming party experience in my life. I was literally heartbroken for an entire hour thinking no one was going to show up, and then EVERYONE did, just really late.

I really don't want that to happen again. It makes me apprehensive spending money on reserving a location like I did last year, because while the museum play time was really fun, I could have just bought everyone tickets and paid less money than I did for a room we barely used.

So what do I do? I live in an apartment so theres no yard. I could do it at a park, but I'm so nervous that it'll rain or something equally as terrible. I could reserve a place like a jump house, but I don' t want a repeat of last year. The thought really stresses me out.

I've seen so many awesome parties on blogs that I follow and usually I'm great at these kinds of things, but I've become gun shy.

I need some ideas.

HELP!

Streaming

Cascading tears,

Daily cries

In constant heart break.

I feel

Intensely.

My soul cries out to you, O God.

My body thrashes in agony, Dear Lord.

Prayers.

How many more prayers would it take?

How many more pleas of mercy do you need?

Father, I will give you all and more

To relieve your poor servant's pain.

Peace

Super natural healing

Relief

Purification

You, O Lord, hold the power.

To you, O Lord I lift my voice to praise

For your endless grace upon my life,

But Oh Lord, the pain I feel from afar

Consumes me.

Painful visions.

Painful realities

That are not my own.

But I hold on to the truths that I've learned.

I hold on to the knowledge of your wisdom.

I hold on to the experience of your forgiveness.

I hold on to the hope of redemption.

I need to trust in you more.

I need to release this sadness and embrace the happiness

Of the good you've brought about in a poor child's suffering.

Hold on to the lives he's changed and transformed, including my own.

Slowly I feel myself melting.

Hopefully releasing the control and boundaries I've made for myself,

and instead joining in your infinite existence. 

I lift him up to you with joyfulness. 

He who deserves paradise more than most.

He who will be made whole in your loving embrace.

Delve

Made me Laugh--

!!!!You'll have to excuse the profanity!!!!!  If you can see past his potty mouth, he may just make you smile.  As a Catholic, this really cracked me up.  If you grew up Catholic or went to Catholic school, some parts of this are brilliant.

Enjoy:

One Flesh

It's that one flesh principal
That we are called to,
That submissive role
That I'm expected to honor.
Being that right-hand man
or Woman, in this case,
That always trips me up.
Would things really get better
If I acted like
You are always right?
Would life get smoother
If I acted like
Yours are the best ideas?
Would things get easier
If I acted like
Father knows best?
Would I get happier
If I surrendered all of my will
To yours?
Is that supposed to be my prayer?
Lord, teach me how to let him think for me?
I struggle, my friends.
I struggle with being a daughter of Eve.
I struggle with knowing what I'm called to do
And what I need to do,
And what I want to do,
And what feels right to do,
And what I actually do,
And the results of those actions,
And the results of my inactions.

Delve

I see the world through broken glass.

I remember its once perfect curve.
The dull shine of the mid morning sun.
The crisp, clean looking-glass visions.
And then
Small chips appeared in the smooth surface.
Barely noticeable chips.
All due to small traumas.
And because I neglected these injuries
The glass became susceptible.
And when a bit of heat was applied
It cracked.
Long noticeable cracks on the surface.
Making my already defected glass
Obvious for all to see.
Then as I adjusted to this blemish....
And behaved as if it didn't matter
The cold came.
And more fractures
And longer scars across the surface of my glass
So that today
I see the world through broken glass.
And when the sun hits it just right
It sends sharp bright shards of light into my eyes
Blinding me as I attempt to safely make it home.
I see the world through broken glass,
And have yet decided if it's worth the investment.
Worth the time
Worth the effort
To fix it.

Delve

I know it is not enough

There has to be more I can do.

I want prepare my daughter for school and help her become brilliant--while being too tired to think and too stressed from my day that I barely have an ounce of patience.

What do I do? Sometimes I think that my job costs me more than it provides.

But if i stop dreaming and start thinking objectively.... will I have been able to provide Lia with more? Would my house really be cleaner? Would Lia be able to count to 20 by now?

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have taken that time for granted. Or just become more selfish and want more independence.

Knowing me---it would have been a little bit of both.

I think this year I've spent working has shown me how precious Lia is. And how the time I spend with her are treasures.

Maybe I'll be a better mother now because I want to be so badly--because being away from her and wanting her to have so much more has shown me how much I've dropped the ball.

They say its all about the quality time--not the quantity of time... that is what i need to work on. Quality. I find that I being so impatient and tired affects my quality.

I need to be better.

I need to be more patient.
More calm.
More consistent.
More attentive.

More...

Tears for Tripp

So I have cried more in the past 2 days than I think I've ever cried before.

If you're a regular to my blog, I'm sure you've noticed the new button on the right sidebar. Well as a warning *Do Not Click* if you are faint of heart. The pictures and the story of this blog have literally torn my heart out. My soul is aching for this child of God, Tripp.

They are from my home state of Louisiana--on the north shore, close to my home town of New Orleans.

He has a rare skin disease, EB, that makes his skin blister and peel off. It is very painful--excruciatingly so. And he's only 2 years old! He battles daily with the pain, infections, fevers, a trach, feeding tube, blindness (caused by his EB), and so many other ailments that are more than anyone deserves or should have to endure, much less a precious child.

AND HIS MOTHER--my goodness. Talk about a Saint. She is devoted to this child like non other, my friends. Her love, her patience, his strength, and their story have inspired me to be a better mother.

She shows that we are capable of so much love, and I'm not sure I've been tapping into my entire capacity to love to the fullest. If you want to read their story click here, but if this post is enough for you to imagine their struggle,  just send prayers.

Endless prayers. God sized prayers. Make the sun stand still for this Child. Make his pain go away, Dear Lord. Help his mother! Give her strength. And finally Lord, please never let me forget how fortunate I am. You have bestowed more grace upon us than could be imagined. Thank you, Father God, for my healthy family. Thank you Lord for Tripp.

CHEAPSKATE!

So I've been on this major life altering journey to save money. Several months back I completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and it really did open my eyes to how terribly I had managed our household.

While my husband is the "main bread-winner," I am the one who pays the bills, makes household purchases, and manages our accounts.

So if we are in the red---it is MY fault. My husband earns the money, and I spend it.

This is terrifying to all those single men out there!! Probably their worst nightmare, "If I get married, she is going to spend ALL OF MY MONEY!"

And during the first few years of our marriage, that was exactly what happened.

I was 20 years old when I got married, and was a mother, and the lady of the household, and the manager of the funds, and the acquirer of a shiny debt card, and I WENT AT IT! lemme just tell ya'.

Anyways, once we moved to NC from LA our funds were definitely at an all time low. So low that I had to get my own job after nearly 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom. God really provided for us during this time and delivered me a job in less than a week! Praise God for his faithfulness, y'all!

Well since then I've been trying to be a better steward of the money we do have. And I truly feel like I'm getting better. Some months I have my set backs (like this month for example)--when I've over spent, under budgeted, and basically lost my marbles when it comes to financial responsibility.

But I've been reading this book called "The Cheapest Family in America," and it has rejuvenated my desire to succeed with money.

These people are EXTREME when it comes to how little they spend, and while I don't want to go to that level, I do feel like I could do better. WAY better. On average I spend about $650 on groceries a month for 3 people-2 adults and a 4 yr old! that's insane!!!! But it's much better than the over 900$ that I was spending just a few short months ago!

Well 2.5 weeks into July, I found myself severely over budget. Trust me I was distraught! but I have to say that I'm proud of myself because the moment I noticed we were in trouble, I buckled down. My bi-weekly visits to the grocery store disappeared. And I can't tell you how incredibly resourceful I have become with the food in my home.

If you know me, you know that I love to cook and am constantly cooking some new delicious dish. This passion to cook new meals sends me to the store pretty often, but I've had to make due with what's in my pantry and you'll never believe it??!! we're still alive. No one has starved. In fact, it has made me a better cook and more responsible woman. I've exercised way more self control, and I have learned how to be more resourceful with what I do have.  I'm coming to realize how excessive my grocery shopping was now that I've not gone in 2 weeks and am still making due!

Quotes of Late

Lia: "Daddy has the Jingles. If I touch them I can get the chicken pops."

Amy after watching me do a goofy dance in the office: "Was that the Walgreens Shuffle?"

Graham after I told him how embarrassed I was that my shirt was unbuttoned and my chest was hanging out in front of a client. "Oh I saw that."
Jillien: "WHAT! Why didn't you say something?!??!"
Graham: "I thought that was your style."

Kelly: "Little sister I never wanted, I do listen to you when you say something."

VB: "They must be trippin' if they think I'm going to mail that!"

You cannot argue me into someone's heart....

Lord,
You commanded us to love:
Our enemies
You commanded us to honor:
Our fathers and mothers,
Our wives and husbands,
Our spiritual leaders,
And even...
Our political leaders.
As a pastor I knew once said,
Respect is earned,
But Honor is given.
The End.
It was commanded by the LORD.
And we have to trust that Your commands and laws, Father God,
Were established FOR us
Through your unfailing love.
We have to trust
That following your laws
Will lead us
To GREATER happiness
Than we would have ever imagined possible.
More happiness than the results of our own actions would have yielded.
And trust,
There are times when your laws go against my
Feelings.
There are times when I don't feel like following Your laws.
In those times,
I need to surrender to Your infinite wisdom.
I need to understand,
That my life is but a speck on Your timeline, Father.
That You are a circle drawn around my timeline.
All around.
Past
Present and
Future
That what I want,
What I do,
What I say,
Affects
Time itself--
The world in its entirety.
I have to realize
You have a greater purpose.
You have the Blueprints of the Kingdom.
You are the architect of Paradise.
And all I need to do is follow Your plan.
So I pray this evening,
For strength.
Strength to follow Your commands.
To not lead myself astray-- so incredibly far from Your laws
That my life is a constant battle.
That in my desperation to obtain my own desires
I fall on my own sword.

my house is so dirty

These are some of my common sayings when trying to convince people of the level of dirt in my home....

My house is so dirty... if you walked in it right now you would call child protective services on me.

My house is so dirty... you could catch the ebola virus.

My house is so dirty... i have to clean it before I can start cleaning it. 

-------------------

anyway, my mother in law is spending a couple of weeks with us starting this Sunday, and while I'm so excited to have family here, the amount of cleaning, organizing, purging, etc I have to do is slightly overwhelming. 

Honestly it took me Saturday AND Sunday to clean my daughter's room and closet. NO JOKE. 2 days of intense focus.

That is ridiculous! 

It is partly due to being dirt and trash hoarders, I believe. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no where near those crazy people on tv, but who keeps dried up markers? broken crayons? empty bubble wands? Every McDonald happy meal toy since 2006???WHO DOES THAT?! ME that's who.

So imagine a version of that in each and every room. 

That's what I'm dealing with right now. 

Wish me luck.

My Joy Haiku

Just seeing your face

Is all I need to feel joy.

Your smile warms my heart.

And when you're not here,

I think of you constantly

While passing the time.

'Til you're here again,

My soul reaches out for you

My mind does not rest.

Then I hold you close.

I remember how precious

And joyous you are.

I dream alone

Not even you
Believe in me.
My biggest fan
Yet to be discovered.
And why should you?
Believe, I mean.
I dream alone.
I push alone--
I always have.
And through it all
I've been on top alone.
And my words
And my voice
And my thoughts
And my spirit
Get me through.
Not you.

Delve

Because you asked

I sat there and wrote
Because you asked.
And you spoke while I listened
Because you asked.
I sang and you heard
And I failed
While you laughed.

Again and again
In front of familiar strangers.
I stand.
I open my mouth and fumble--
Why?
Because you asked.
Trust me I'm humbled
And each time it gets harder
But I slap on a smile
Walk up once again
All because you asked.

Delve

Spontaneity

my impulse to write
makes me incredibly late
But it is worth it.

I tap my fingers
to the 5 7 5 beat
and scribble it down.

Then glance at the time.
I've not a minute to waste
Leave now or get axed.

Palabra

They come to me you know. All at once. Like a vision. Like a picture of their meaning. And I pick from space and man-made eras, which would be the best to convey the pain and the anger and the betrayal and the peace and the glory and the visions and the visions and the visions never cease. Then. They. Hide. from me. They slip through my grasp. They elude me. They mock me from beyond the real. They melt away. And all I'm left with are the confusion and the anger and the trepidation and the insecurity and the guilt and the sin and no real way to convey the visions, always, there are visions... I hear the silence in my mind. I feel it in my core. When there is no escape. But I wait. I wait longer than others have the patience to wait for me. They grow tired of the anticipation. They grow resentful. And they leave. But like a faithful friend, my words come back to me. My words feel me reaching out for them. And with the gentlest of embraces, I press my cautious lips together and utter, my words.

Nothing to Say and Nowhere to Go

I'm struggling.

With no clear vision of what to say,

I'm left wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Not a writer of insta-prose,

My stanzas could use 

A tad of inspiration

A tad of flare

A tad of direction 

To God knows where.

And tippity tap

I rap

Tonight.

With no clear vision of what to say

Sitting here

Wondering if the words

Are purposefully delayed.

Oh Oscar, how well you know me

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

Oscar Wilde

Dusk

The soft, blue-gray light,
The dappled light streaming through horizontal blinds
The imperfect light of which doth shine
Upon my book and unread lines.

Delve

Update: Church Picnic

It went wonderfully! Everyone was so into the kickball game, and I think when everyone participating is really into winning it makes it that much more fun. Some of the funniest most amazing moments I've ever encountered happened during the kickball game.

Power slides to first base. Kicks that were to the stratosphere. Aerial feats of wonder in order get the out.

Amazing day.