I think its kind of funny...

how incredibly anti-Catholic some people can be. Even whole churches can have a "we're the complete opposite of the catholic church" mentality. And while a lot of people do drift away from the Church and into some other church, I find it interesting how little details of Catholicism seep in: advent, lent, Church year calendar, some other dogmatic or theological principals.

Most people know I spent a lifetime studying in Catholic schools from 2nd grade through graduating college. And like most of my compatriots, I rebelled. I lashed out against the Church. I did my best to poke holes and slander. Then I studied under a professor named Dr. Christopher Baglow, and it revolutionized not only my faith but my entire life! He taught my Christology and Ecclesiology courses, and I read his book on Faith and Science. (these just a few of the many faith-based classes I took, of course.)

And now this is how I feel. We as Christians should be living as to glorify the Lord so that non-believers will see Christ working in us and through us. We should be focusing on spreading the Word to those who are starving for grace. Not bashing other Christians because we think their mass is boring.  Not passing judgment on an entire group of fellow Christians.

In college, there was a group of young people, all theology majors, who would congregate everywhere they went. They would laugh, and play games, and chat, play music, just normal and happy. And let me tell you, it was evident that they were saturated in the Spirit. And most of them were planning on entering the religious life vocation. In my angry sinful days, I would look to them with envy--wanting whatever it was they had. I found it later, but it was active faith in the Lord and the peace and joy that comes with knowing that the world and all within is in His capable hands.

Now find a church that works for you-- one that helps spread the kingdom of God, but let's keep other branches of the same tree unscathed. Most of what I learned with regard to theological principles, I learned through formal Catholic education, and I'm proud of it. and I love it.

How can someone not enjoy reading

there are no commercials. No breaks until your lids are so heavy that you can barely make out the words. The endless worlds. The endless romances or adventures. There are tears and pain and joy and hope. Messages and lessons. The images I see when reading are so much more vivid and lasting than those on a tv screen, where someone dictates how my protagonist looks. Let my mind work. Trust me it is very capable.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.



I'm in need of a miracle tonight.

Transport

I closed my eyes
And thought of your words,
And you brought me there--
Exactly where I wanted to be.
And I was someone else.
Somewhere far away.
Doing things I'd never done
With people I'd never met--
Feeling free.
Then some subtle noise,
And Im back
Here.

delve

When there's so much left to say

There's so much left to say,
But not enough energy to stave the day
Or not knowing the proper way
To get it all but leave guilt at bay.

delve

One Act One Scene Play: The Tear

[Lights are dimmed. It is bed time. and on stage are a mother and daughter --4 year old. The mother has been trying to help her daughter fall asleep on her own...]

Mother [leans over and kisses daughter on forehead]: go to sleep baby. I love you.

Daughter: Ok mommy. [rolls over]

[Lights brighten. Day time]

Mother: Lia! I'm so proud of you!! You fell asleep all by yourself last night.

Daughter [immediately schools her expression to one of an injured puppy]: Yes, but I had tears in my eyes.

The end.


And NO THIS IS NOT A SAD STORY. This is a story of my drama princess daughter.  The world's a stage for her!

Seasonally Depressed

I'm starting to think that the stark North Carolina weather gave me seasonal depression... You may be thinking What in the WORLD!>!>!>??? With which I would respond to your thought with a big Hell Yes I was depressed.

How could that happen in NC where it's supposedly the "south?" Well evidently here in NC the winter starts in October and ends in the unforeseeable future!!!!!!! And coming from Southern Louisiana where the seemingly endless summer monopolizes our other seasons, where its bombardment even surfaces in the little cool weather that we do receive in January through early March, I believe my body was shocked and it spiraled down toward the oh-so-true (which i had thought was an urban legend/joke type of situation) seasonal depression! haha!

Unbelievable.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm finally cured. I spent 5 glorious days with the people I love most in the world in the 80 degree sunny weather of New Orleans, LA. And laughed until I almost peed on myself. Ate until I started to feel like a glutton---just happy again.

And I was wondering where did this feeling go? Did all of my jubilance stay in New Orleans, and did I only take contentment back with me to NC?  Don't get me wrong... what more can one ask for than contentment? What more does a mere human deserve in this world? But it just brought me to a place of passion, excitement, hilarity, music, beignets, crazy balloon twisters in the streets, Catholics that don't go to church, hurricanes, sun, ferries, street cars, my late grandmother, my youth, my loves, my friends, concerts, mini-skirts, platform shoes, all girl catholic high schools...................

I'm back in NC, and enjoying the peace of being back in my home. Happy that it's finally Friday. Wishing my family and friends were here with me. Slightly envious of others with plenty of friends and things to do. But here in Raleigh I read. I read and sing. I read and sing and try more than I did back in New Orleans to be a good wife and mother. With the distractions gone. I sit. I think. I go back and forth from reading the bible to reading terrible romance novels....
(I'll have to account for that in Heaven, for sure).

Winded

The wind
The roaring wind
An oceanic wind outside my window.
Bending limbs with its might--
Attacking the buds of infant flowers.
It's true, dearest tempest,
That I love thee.

Delve

I spoke

What it was I couldn't even begin to tell you, but when I say that I didn't want to talk--I'm being sincere. Not this flaky, "I don't wanna talk about it" kind of thing, but of the most basic conversational level. I had nothing to say. Every word of mine in response to someone else was scrutinized with such intensity that I would let it just evaporate into nothingness--- simply not reply. My usual social butterfly self has been a recluse and a mute as of late.

But something happened last night--I spoke. for 2 hours. to my friend. and I needed it.

And although I don't feel at 100%, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Starting to realize how rude I may have been behaving toward my friends. And they deserve my replies....

Let me just say how incredibly RUDE I think it is to send someone an email or leave him/her a voicemail to not receive a single acknowledgment that it was even read or heard. I do NOT want to be that person, but I found myself slipping into that just out of indifference.

No more. I cannot allow myself to be that type of person, and I have been to so many. Texts never answered, emails never replied, calls never returned. I hope my friends will forgive me for my silence.


*****I wrote this about two weeks ago, and the fact that I'm just now publishing it goes to show how recluse I've become************

My last shot

This is my last chance to speak in February, and I would hate to let the day go by.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

"See what I mean, Cap'n Ahab?"

"Not sure I understand what I'm looking at, old Starbuck, but you think

this is how the fish got so white?"

hosted by Stony River

Solace

My God,
I sit tonight
As I write,
But in my soul
I kneel--
I bow down
and beg
For peace.

Is it a sign, Lord?
A sign that things are
Only skin deep.

Even the songs on the radio
Are wrong--
All pointing downward
Backward
And around.

Of course the valleys are there
To bring us to yet another mountain,
But all my mountains must be
Valleys in your eyes....
Are all your mountains valleys in mine?

delve

My lunch Hour

[I currently have 8 minutes to finish this post and get on the road to make it to work by 12:30---to continue my day until who knows what time tonight---to bring home the bacon, etc]

I've been a working mother now 7 months. I eat less vegetables.

I spend more time with my co-workers than with anyone else, including my daughter and husband.

I feel more comfortable in our finances, and feel happiness with the fact that financially we're not in a hole (anymore).

I have 1 hour to eat.

I don't work out at the gym. Nothing. No exercise except for the 50 squats I secretly do when I wake up or if I skip the morning, before I go to sleep.  These 50 squats do nothing but help me pretend like my butt isn't sagging from endless hours of sitting at a desk.

I try to write.

I try to think.

I try to read.

I try to be patient with my family.

I try to be a better woman.

I sometimes do not succeed, and sometimes I do.

JM

Out With It

I know I must have missed this
Had I been thinking about it at all,
That is.

I probably have been yearning for this
Had I just remembered I loved it so much,
Or even a little.

I should have tried to recapture this
Had I attempted to grasp anything of my past,
Or of my present.

------------------------------------------------------------

Determined

The clock is ticking down the seconds--
Throwing them in with the rest--
Eternal waste basket of used time.

My mind is focused on being calm,
Although each tick is like a powerful
drum controlling the rhythm of my heart.

I will myself patience and confidence.
I attempt double-think--trying to trick myself
That I can do this and while not probable, definitely possible.

JM

One Act One Scene Play: The Toot

[Father and daughter sitting together while eating dinner]

FART!

Daughter: I don't know what that sound was daddy. I think it was either a butterfly or a dragon.



The end.

Another Saturday night

Tonight is another saturday night at home. No friends hanging out at the crib. No phone calls. No laughing. No shopping buddies. No karaoke.  No movies and arbor mist. No "lets get our nails did." No "is there a good concert tonight?" No "lets go down town" No "geezum I'm so hungry. What do you wanna eat after church tomorrow?"

Nothing. Just me and the computer and wondering if God will send me a soul-mate friend. 

I don't often bring it up, but I miss my friend Bueno so much on nights like this.  I'm really starting to realize how she must have felt when she moved to BR without really knowing anyone. The loneliness and isolation. She was so brave to have stuck it out on her own.  

I hope that I can be as brave because right now I'm not feeling very strong.  

I know this sounds terrible, but I've never been Jillien the wife and mother. I've always been Jillien who happens to also be a wife and mother. I miss just being myself sometimes. I feel consumed with responsibility and no outlet to just be ME.  There are some women who are so amalgamated with their womanly roles that they feel totally complete in them, but me without friends or at least someone to share with is becoming overwhelming.

While I knew that coming here was going to bring me closer to my family because we were to rely on each other so much more than ever before, I never could have imagined how suffocating it would feel after a while.

I love my daughter and husband with all of my heart and hope that this is just a fleeting emotion. Just a little hurtle in a long stretch of contentment. That God will put me in the right place at the right time and help me to connect. 

One Act One Scene Play (its been a while since I've done one of these)

[Wife and Husband at home. Two rooms on stage separated by a partition. Stage left is a bedroom where Wife is laying reading a book. Stage right is a living room where Husband is watching tv.]


Wife: Husband,  Can you come in here for a moment??

[Husband gets up from couch and walks toward stage left to the room. He hangs between center stage for a moment just looking in the room. Wife is reading yet another romance novel. The hunky half-nude man on the cover is the DEAD-GIVEAWAY of this.]

Husband: Ugh, I hate when you read those books.... you fantasize about me too much afterward.

[Wife cracks up laughing with its absurdity.]


The end.

drama

Just a passing thought

On nights like this
When sleep eludes me,
When rest scoffs at me,
When peace seeps away
Like a fading mist,
I think of you.

I think of the past
And made-up futures--
Futures so crisp
Yet so impossible
Its hard to breathe;
All this--when I think of you.

I wonder where it all went wrong
And try to convince myself
That it all turned out right.
Then try to smile when I look around
And try to not cry cuz I can't get out
When I think of you.

I think of my racing heart
And my sweaty hands
And my blubbering words
And my expectant glances
With your cool responses
And detached expressions

I think of my mistakes
Of my too-few right decisions
Of my steps away
And of my fumbles toward
Of my willingness to return
But my need to be good.

I think of where I am now
And where I'll be
And where I was
And who I'll see
When I go back
Or if I'll ever go back...

Delve

2 COR 12 5-10

A year ago I visited this verse. And  I sit here tonight thinking about it again. but this time I'm focusing on just the first bit:

⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 


I honestly feel like I've adopted this into my life, and I really do try to only boast about my weaknesses--even to the point of being slightly self-deprecating. But I've run across a couple of people in my life who enjoy patronizing... who enjoy making "fun"... who enjoy feeling like they got it right, and to tell you the truth it is TICKING ME OFF.


If I were to run my mouth about myself or my family, I would be no fool and could run it for a while without exaggerating the truth one bit, and when faced with these types of people it almost pushes me to do so.


Ever meet someone or a couple of someones who always have the snappy remark or the rolling of the eyes or the facetious "Yeeaaahh ooookaaay...."? As a Christian you wonder, how do I deal with this!?  Its so passive. Nothing outright rude--just little subtle jabs.  I feel like I would rather people be agressive about their feelings and spew it on out so I can handle it with equal force than the gnawing agitation that passive agressive people make me feel.


Although not in the same context this is what it makes me think of:


Revelation 3:16 (New King James Version)

¹⁶ So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.


Can I get an AMEN!?


Out with it! Your lukewarm-ness disgusts me. And what's worse is that it comes from within. It comes from one's mind and heart... the genuine feeling that the other person is an idiot, or is not as "good" as I am--and when I say good I mean in a moral sense... I'm just such a GOOD person that I would have never said or done or felt that, or didn't do something the Right way, which of course had I done it.... it would have been the right way.


Now don't get me wrong. I can be like this too sometimes, and I'm sure I've been this "lukewarm" person to someone. And because I don't want anyone to think more of me than is warranted, I'll just say this prayer:


"Lord, help my heart. It is not enough to hold one's tongue, but to wipe the ugly thoughts out of one's very MIND, Lord. Aid me in my struggle to be a beacon of your love so that no one, my family, friends, strangers, co-workers will ever feel this way because of my words or my behaviors or my thoughts toward them. 


In your mighty name I pray!"

The night before

The night before it all happens.
The smells,
The laughs,
The words...
I can't sleep with the very pulse of it all
bursting through the
Anticipatory air.

Delved

Until it pours again...

It pours on me
sometimes.
The skies open...
on purpose, I'm convinced.
And I'm gasping for a single breath
without choking on it all.
And the drops pelt every inch of me.
Until I can not bear another sensation
On my skin.
I feel like clawing at my body with the very
maddening nature of it all.
Then with an almost audible snap
it shuts.
I dry slowly with time,
Then just to be cruel--
am not given a single drop more--
till my dryness is slightly uncomfortable.
Then nearly unbearable.
Where all my skin feels chapped.
And I imagine that all of it will chip away.
And I'm completely stagnant
Not wanting to move for fear of drying out further.
It's then that I think of you.

Delve

YIKES!

Its been almost a month since I've had something to say. How does life just fly away from you like that?

I've been studying Esther with a group of women from our Church.  Its been a pretty amazing ride, although I do feel some added pressure in its success as a group considering that I'm the "group leader" for this session and its being held at my house. Lately we've had some low numbers and I can't help but wonder if it is because of the study I chose or my style of leading the study. I hope that I can maintain an engaging spirit and add some depth to a short but powerful book in the bible.

I'm still singing worship, although each time I go up there I feel more embarrassed than the time before. I feel every mistake and ill-prepared vocal.  But imagine if I can't find time to write (which is my passion) then how can I sit long enough to rehearse.  I pray so desperately when I'm on stage for the holy Spirit to just take over and let Him move the souls of the congregation because relying on my vocals and preparation sure as heck won't be enough.

I'm still working hard as an insurance agent. I spend the majority of my awake hours there, and I wonder how in the WORLD am I going to keep this up? How am I going to continue with the stress of trying to be successful at marketing and sales. How am I going to continue with the time away from my daughter? How am I going to continue getting up early and having to dress up in suit and heels and do my hair and make up every darn day of my life?! But then its Monday again, and I get in my routine, and I power through it somehow... Just yearning for the weekend.

Friday I leave for a women's conference called Women of Faith.  And while I am excited,  I've also been thinking "here's another thing I've decided to do and another day away from my daughter." When am I going to just focus on her? I feel like its been so long since I've devoted myself entirely to my family. In Louisiana I had so many distractions from my family that it was starting to rip us apart. Now I'm working to sustain my family and to help my husband with the burden of our finances. I'm participating in Church because I love God and hunger to soak up his Spirit. And even these things, which I do with the best of intentions, consume my time and attention.  I want to be a better mother. I just don't know how.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 139 characters)

While it took a little longer than expected

The wait was finally over!

Standing there

Until the last person left the train

He never showed.

The Happy Story
(in 141 characters)

Well its not exactly the train to Hogwarts
But it was her train to destiny
After 60 years of serving the world
The world would now serve her.

hosted by: stony river

Take this TEST!!!!

I don't do too many quizzes but hONESTLY this was uncanny!

Take it and share your results! its incredible!!

CLICK ME TO TAKE THE TEST!
Here's my personality description:

Performers have the special ability, even among the Artisans, to delight those around them with their warmth, their good humor, and with their often extraordinary skills in music, comedy, and drama. Whether on the job, with friends, or with their families, Performers are exciting and full of fun, and their great social interest lies in stimulating those around them to take a break from work and worry, to lighten up and enjoy life.
Performers are plentiful, something over ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate, because they bring pleasure to so many of us. Performers are the people for whom it can truly be said "all the world's a stage." Born entertainers, they love the excitement of playing to an audience, and will quickly become the center of attention wherever they are. Performers aren't comfortable being alone, and seek the company of others whenever possible-which they usually find, for they make wonderful playmates. Performers are smooth, talkative, and witty; they always seem to know the latest jokes and stories, and are quick with wisecracks and wordplay-nothing is so serious or sacred that it can't be made fun of. Performers also like to live in the fast lane, and seem up on the latest fashions of dress, food, drink, and music. Lively and uninhibited, Performers are the life of the party, always trying to create in those around them a mood of eat, drink, and be merry.

The Performers' talent for enjoying life is healthy for the most part, though it also makes them more subject to temptations than the other types. Pleasure seems to be an end in itself for them, and variety is the spice of life. And so Performers are open to trying almost anything that promises them a good time, not always giving enough thought to the consequences.
Like the other Artisans, Performers are incurably optimistic - "Always look on the bright side," is their motto - and they will avoid worries and troubles by ignoring them as long as possible. They are also the most generous of all the types, and second only to the Composer Artisans [ISFPs] in kindness. Performers haven't a mean or stingy bone in their body-what's theirs is yours-and they seem to have little idea of saving or conserving. They give what they have to one and all without expectation of reward, just as they love freely, and without expecting anything in return. In so many ways, Performers view life as an eternal cornucopia from which flows an endless supply of pleasures.
Elizabeth Taylor, John Goodman, Marylin Monroe, Judy Garland, Magic Johnson, Pablo Picasso, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Elvis, and Leonard Bernstein are examples of Performer Artisans.click me!

pain!!

my gum pain is so excruciating right now I can barely breathe.

It is inflamed on one section... but it came out of NOWHERE. like what in the world! I've never had a toothache/gum/mouth ache nOTHING. and I feel like pulling the teeth out of my head if that would alleviate the pain.

I feel the pain all the way up my mouth by my nose, in my ears, and on my pallat...of course not mentioning the ACTUAL spot on my gums that hurts like the dickens.

I've tried the tea bags, and the warm salt water, and the ambesol, and the floss and massaging with the toothbrush.

Here's what I do know!

Do NOT massage.

Do NOT do the salt water (it makes it worse)

Take LOTS OF ibuprofen!!

Gargle Listerine....

The tea bags feel okay because of the pressure but when you take them off, your mouth is worse than it was before and you want to die.

I need some supernatural healing right now.

Missing

I didn't know it was missing
Until it had returned,
And then I was insatiable.

Living in dual minds
Trying to imagine what it would be like
While unable to imagine life any other way.

Delve

Praise and Worship

If you've been reading my blog for any given time you know how much I love to perform.

Singing and performing revolutionized my life as an obnoxious, exuberant teen, and it defined me as an adult in college. I finally found something that I could do. I had a voice---a voice that was all my own.

After college, I auditioned for the Baton Rouge Symphony Orchestra and spent 2 amazing years learning opera choruses and really stretching myself as an educated singer. I met my best friend in BRSO, and looking back I think it will be one of my most beautiful memories.

Now, I sing worship at our church on select Sundays, and I'm singing contemporary Christian music and am learning a whole new type of singing. One that requires not only good singing instincts but singing smarts.  I got by in BRSO with my ability to anticipate the music and to hear my fellow Second Sopranos when I needed to find the right key... But singing worship is different. I realize that I don't have the smarts that I'll need to be more of an asset and less of a hassle.

But I have to admit, I love it. I love the band and especially our worship leader. He's patient, talented, level-headed, and easy-going. All the traits necessary for singing along side me week after week. On stage we're the only two voices. Just he and I. No other second sopranos to feed off of or to pick up on the key changes. And while I'm not as good a "harmonizer" as I hope to one day be, I have received enough feedback to realize that we sound good together. It is one of the highest compliments anyone could pay me. See I left my ego in college. In BRSO it was all about being one beautiful cohesive voice. And to feel like I achieve that during worship is a dream.

While I know there is much progress to be made, I just enjoy knowing that my voice melds with his. That through our voices the Spirit of the Lord penetrates the people of Story Church. That my voice isn't abrasive or a distraction from the Holy Spirit working in the hearts of our congregation.

"I cannot sing like someone else. I can only sing like I sing."
--jm

Heart racing
I sit
impatiently.
Waiting to hear
what you thought
of someone else.

Delve

My daughter's birthday

In less than a month, my daughter turns 4.

Four years! and in those four years plus the 40 weeks leading up to that day, my life flipped around and spun around and twisted and transformed.

And time has moved away from me so quickly, I'm left reeling. I can't believe yet another year has passed. Last year Lia had 3 separate birthday celebrations--an abundance of friends and cake and laughter.

So am I going to go through a huge ordeal for her 4th birthday? Her friends are 1000+ miles away. Her family is 500-1000+.

TOTALLY I AM!

Why?

Because it is her birthday, and if anyone remembers that day it's ME for sure. I will celebrate her life. I will try to make it as special as possible, because on that day God changed my life forever. On that day, one i can never forget, I was blessed with Lia.

ITs more a celebration forme than for her.... although I do want her to enjoy :)

My cryptic words

So I called for inspiration and I've spoken in nothing but prose for weeks lol.

Cacophony

I only heard a bit.
A wee bit,
Which definitely showed
You were trying.

But you will hear me.
My voice will trill with praise.
And at the soul--
At the very pit, you will hear God.

7 AM

Seven AM Thoughts.
Rushing,
Hungry Thoughts.
Excited,
Nervous Thoughts
At seven AM.

Laid in bed and watched the sun grow bright.
Remembered my dreams
That consumed my night
All these feelings and faces and bodies
Fill my seven AM thoughts.

Then with some simple taps
I preserve this day
Like a jar of apple butter
Sweet and tantalizing and
Not-too-good-for-you
I store my seven AM thoughts.

Delve

Take A Seat

I sit down...
Some more
With feet aching.
This is a different type of sitting.
This is leisurely sitting...
A sitting filled with depth and longing.
A sitting calmed with rhythmic breathing.
A sitting with eyes closed.
I'm waiting
For the words.
Only words.
No calls
Or orders
Or goals
Or expectations
This sitting is my sitting.
I hum.
And the familiar voice is echoed through my ears and mind
I know this voice and I quickly shut it off
wishing not to make a sound.
I want my body entirely silent.
Just sitting.
This is where I feel my best.
Not on a beach with the bright sun crisping my skin.
Not on a boat ride bouncing on the choppy waves.
But in my room
Darkened room
With no sounds.
Only words.
Silent words.
Oh,
and Sitting, of course.

Exasperation

Its that feeling, ya know?
When the words that shouldn't be said
Blurt out.
When the thoughts that shouldn't be thought
Fumble themselves out your mouth.
Its this feeling I get after every occasion,
After every visit,
After every conversation.
And its because you're new to me.
Its because I'm new to you.
Its because I'm my own harshest critic.
Its because I feel a constant burden to be a beacon of God's love,
Whilst being sinful,
While being flawed.
While being myself and liking who I am
Yet being ashamed of how I feel
Or what I've done.
Or what I said
Or for how I made you feel
Or how I think I made you feel.
And this is all I feel
Every Time
I speak.

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story

(in 140 characters)

This black mountain

was ferociously loud.
Without food, water
People or love

The fight had left him.
He braced himself for
Its dark embrace.

hosted by: Stony River @www.stoneyriver.ie

Is it terrible?????

Is it terrible to acknowledge when a baby isn't cute??

Do all babies have to be called cute?  Its like an unspoken rule....

I know the old saying "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."  And I totally believe that. But in reality... there must be some uncute babies out there right?

I See God There: Ode to Kimi C

In your smooth west-coast flair
I see God there.
And as you gently ripple through the thrashing waves
And lead the women through example and grace,
I see God there.
It is your constant support of a man much burdened,
That allows a whole people to become closer to salvation
That much closer to the LORD.
And it is in that love that I see God.
And to me even closer still.
You've blessed and cared
For that most precious to me.
You stepped in, when I was forced to step out,
And I see God there too.

Erato

I call on you once more tonight.
My mind had settled in endless night.
No thoughts or words or light or rhymes
Have left my shell until these lines.

And farther down I push you still
With eyes closed tight the tapping fills
My ears; my absence dried up all reserves
of long lost talent in shifting words.

So as the moon above me shivers
In mad delight, my body quivers
In fear of having lost it all--
The words that cushioned every fall...

Falls into the lonely spaces
And plunges into angry traces
And tracks around familiar faces
Of sins pushed down in waiting places.

you're welcome

There must be a way

To transition from stay at home mom/ susie homemaker to professional working mom/woman. I just haven't found it yet.

I broke down....

after her pleading in the store, and bought Lia silly bandz....

I can't believe the trends have started at 3 years old. I thought for sure I had until 10... lol

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 

(in 144 characters... sorry for the cheat. I'm out of practice)

Not so much a secret as purposeful neglect.

He said he would let it all fall down.

And it did. It fell.

While memories like stones chipped away.

Fads

I had never heard of a Silly Band before moving to North Cackalacky. Even gas stations advertise that silly bandz are in stock!
But every single child between the age of 3 and 18 is loaded up with Silly Bandz....And I'm wondering why?

When I was a kid what was the THING that everyone HAD TO HAVE?? Were they scrunchies? or comic cards? or pogs?  But why? How do these things occur? Just brilliant marketing? The right, popular girl in school has them and it causes a butterfly effect that sweeps the nation?

Well whatever it is---it IS. It is in these Silly Bandz. It was in the pogs of the 90's. What will it be in 10 years? Who or what will be the catalyst for that craze?

Where could I have gone?

I've been working.

Yes after almost 4 years of stay at home mothering... I am now a working mother and wife. It is such a strange feeling. I am elated that I'm able to learn a new industry(insurance) and that I'm able to contribute to the financial well-being of our family, but I am also struggling with the thought that i have to go EVERY STINKING DAY. and that I have to be there OVER EIGHT STINKING HOURS!  

I'm fortunate that the people I work with are AMAZING, helpful, God-fearing, beautiful, funny, intelligent, etc. etc. etc (the king and I--look it up)

Anyways that means....

I'm so incredibly busy, its hard to breathe. Hard to type. Hard to write. Hard to think. Hard to emote. Hard to imagine.

I hope I don't lose myself.

Quotes of Late

Lia saying grace: "Dear Jesus, thank you for our food... and then he huffed and he puffed and he bleeewwww the house down."

Lia after I cut Lee's hair: "Daddy, why do you have Cristiano Ronaldo hair?"

Lia describing Charlotte's Web: "Charlotte is a spider, and she DIED!"
LEE= Mortified
Jillien: No Lia tell daddy about the movie....
Lia: "Wilbur was saying NO NO DON"T DIE! but Charlotte said, "No. I'm dead"
Lee= extremely mortified "WHAT KIND OF MOVIE DID YOU TAKE HER TO!"

What I'm watching

The Love Message Revisited

I'm always wondering why...

Why I get angry so quickly. Why I can't just let things slide. Why I'm so impatient. 

But recently the Lord has been sending a message to me of LOVE. He's been pressing this theme upon me, and I can't just let it slip me by as if to say, "I don't have a problem with love... look at my family. I love my family"... right?

Sometimes its hard to love, or maybe I should say it this way: Sometimes its hard to love properly. Love without expectations. Love without stipulations. Love without resentment. Love immediately. Love patiently. Love kindly.

How many mothers out there can relate to loving one's child impatiently??? A LOT right!

BUT how about loving one's child resentfully? Not so much, I'm sure.

Although I there are probably many reasons I am the way I am, including my upbringing and my parents' style of child rearing, I can't help but wonder if my own resentment at getting pregnant at such a young age and all the depression and havoc it initially caused in my life have anything to do with how I behave today? Maybe I'm still holding on to the “old days.”

But I think the Lord knows my heart; He knows how desperately I want to succeed as a parent and wife, and He's trying to help. Recently I believe God has sent me clues as to how to defeat these dark moments. How to forgive the world and forgive my circumstances and forgive my husband and forgive my child even though they are guiltless. 

How? Ephesians 4! that's how! But I'll go backwards  Starting from the hardest and most important to the daily requirements of proper love....

32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

First Forgive! Make a conscience decision every day to forgive ahead of time. Before any fault is committed, they are forgiven. They are forgiven immediately and without need of repayment. Just as we live in the complete forgiveness of the LORD.

31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Second let it all go! All the hurts. All the ill will. All the resentment and anger. Let it slip from you. Write a letter. Have a talk. Pray on it.  Just do it. Start fresh every morning. Make no record of wrongdoing.  Clean slate every day.

 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I am the queen of mean. Sometimes I say the most hurtful things because I'm angry.

6"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

We are not justified to sin even if our anger is justified. Wanna be a better person?  Learn how to hold your tongue. Learn some self control. 

Finally after all this:

16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Now this post is in no way a testament of how wise I am, nor am I a psychoanalyst who has some sort of insight into these types of things. No Way! I am just a woman who has been desperately praying and begging the Lord to aid her in her life, and who the Lord has guided to this one central message: LOVE. Just love unconditionally and without any hint of resentment because of the past or anger or impatience. And it goes for all of my relationships. Not just as a mother, but as a wife, daughter, and daughter-in-law, cousin, friend, and acquaintance.

And why am I sharing all this? Because I can't be the only one.

I've been receiving this message for about a week, (its probably been longer and I just wasn't listening but now that I am, already I'm better!) I remind myself in the morning to relax, to not overreact, to behave lovingly, and then I try my best to fulfill that goal for my day. And I feel the anger slipping away. (sometimes I do mess up) but I start again. And I'm hoping that this becomes  a life long change for me.  

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 1

(in 140 characters or less)

Come to us they sang.

But their shrill voices were driving me mad!

If you'd had heard it, you wouldn't blame me for what I did next...

The Story 2

(in 133 characters)

UGH!! Back up off me.

I done told you! I Do Not Have Any More Bait for you to eat.

You're lucky I don't stick a hook in the next one!

hosted by : stony river

The Love Message

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
Mother Teresa 


Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action.
Mother Teresa 

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home.
Mother Teresa 

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
Mother Teresa 


Be careful when you pray for patience, because God will answer that prayer with more opportunities to be patient. 
Lead Pastor Kimi.

Sometimes I struggle with how much I should type out on this thing. How much I should share. Not knowing who's reading or who knows me on here makes it an ever greater risk that the personal things I type on my blog can be used against me or can be spread as gossip about me. And I struggle with that because like I've gone through so many things, that I've learned so much and have gone through such an interesting journey of faith that I feel called to share the things I've learned. Even though its embarrassing or hurtful. Even though I would rather everyone have this surreal picture of perfection when it comes to my life, I still find myself typing out the most intimate secrets.  

My mornings are mine no longer

I write at night--

When I'm tired and worn

Because I'm more tired

Early in the morn.

___________________________

You notice me not because you are looking

But because you happen to glance and see me there.

You speak to me not because you are yearning

But because I called out to you and you were there.

___________________________________________

I read and read.
I'm searching for You.
I call out to You.
I implore You.
And everyday
Its all the same.
No change.
Not yet.

Microfiction Monday

 The Picture

The Story

(In 140 characters)

DagNabbit, BillyBob!
I thought I done told ya
Lazy Dog's too fancy for my likin
All dem prissy folk think dey too
good for a 2pc &a biscuit.

Hosted by: Stony River

Late night Blogging!

Its one AM, and I'm feeling inspired.

A couple of weeks ago marked my 5 year blogging anniversary. 5 years. I've been typing/ recording/ thinking/ babbling/ blundering... for FIVE years.

During that time I underwent so many changes, made so many mistakes, cracked so many jokes, made so many friends.... lost those friends. Shed some tears. Graduated college. Had a baby. Got married. Made a life. Became an SPP mom. Moved away.

And here I sit. Wondering where I'll be in another 5 years. I went from 19 to 24 [i'll be 25 next month] in 5 more years I'll be 30. Will I still be here? On stupidsometimes.com?

Nicknames, like the Infamous that I got as a kid, will they still make sense then? They barely make sense now. Will I change it? Or hold on for "old time's sake?"

Will I still call myself a writer?

Will I still be reading? Following? Commenting?

5 years.

If you'd have talked to me 5 years ago, I would have never thought I'd be a mother, not to mention a wife and a North Carolina resident!

It just goes to show you that the plans God has for us is beyond the scope of our imaginations. It is so much bigger than the plans we have for ourselves. Even the humblest of lives are grander than the trivial expectations of man.

But I do want more, world. I want more education. I want more faith. I want more words. Give them to me; Or let me take them. I am not done. I have yet to reach the pinnacle of my life.

Joshua 14:12 "Now therefore GIVE ME THIS MOUNTAIN..."

GOL!!!!!!!!!!! Wait? No!?

If anyone saw the USA vs Slovenija match this morning, you KNOW the major JIPPING that took place! I know this sounds insane, but it put me in such a bad mood that it took hours for me to get over it really.

That referee's horrible judgment and incompetency should be considered a SIN!

Don't know what I'm talking about??!??!?!? You can check it out for yourself ---->here<------ OR  you can sit through this completely bias and patriotic description of what happened given by ME.


The US team, discouraged and beaten, are losing 2-0 by half time. Slovenija looks good. I mean really good. Precise. Fast. Smart.

But our men are from the LAND OF THE FREE and the HOME OF THE BRAVE!

USA comes back with the eye of the tiger during the second half and shoot 2 brilliant goals to tie the game. With 5 minutes to spare, the US has a corner kick. The players on both ends are scrambling for the ball. The green team to kick it out of the danger zone; the noble red, white, and blue are focused on scoring. AND THEY DO! The ball flies into the goal; we are AHEAD, and victory is just a minute away.

That is UNTIL the King of Incompetency calls a foul, takes our goal away, and we tie--making our future in the mundial very unsure.... Why the foul? NO REASON!!! See the replays. See the highlights. See the game.

We have been robbed of our win--truly and honestly. Worst call I've ever seen. It was blatant misjudgment.

FIFA should come down on that arbiter with a vengeance.

Haiku! Love it!

Today's Theme: Fathers

 Taller and Stronger

Smarter and Braver, he be.

My daddy is it. 

The best provider,

The most understanding one

There is on this Earth.

The best in a man--

Lemme tell you the truth, cher.

My daddy is it.

GRRR at you BLOGGER

Did anyone's custom template get totally messed up when blogger unLEASHED its new template designer??!?!!!! Well mine did!!!

And anyone who's been following this blog for any number of months KNOWS how difficult it is for me to choose a template. And just when I get that nifty red one and thought it would be mine forever--Blogger came and snatched it from my grasp, like a thief in the night it came and took my red-wonder away!

And what am I left with?!!?! HUH! This. Just look at it.

I mean I guess its nice.

Its not as busy and apoplectic-seizure inducing as my old one.

I guess it'll do.

*wink*

Microfiction Monday

The Picture

The Story 

(138 characters)

I thought I was getting better.

Thought they'd send me home soon.

But this is a disturbing vision;

I'll just sit here until it goes away.

Hosted by: Stony River

The Church Shopping Experience

I don't know your faith... I can only testify on my own experiences, but I can tell you that I wish to be a beacon. A faith-filled, spirit-guided beacon of Christ love.

I found a true fullness in Spirit in Baton Rouge at my church home with Healing Place Church. And anyone who is wandering in the wilderness, suffering in the valley, for anyone who thinks that God has left him or her, for anyone who feels so sinful that the eternal love of God has excluded him, I urge desperately to check out that website. Check out the online sermons. They are wonderful and a good taste of truth.

But I'm now a THOUSAND miles away and searching.

How many of us are searching? And for what? How many feel lost? How many feel unfulfilled?

I know that I can't do it alone. I need a church community. I need role-models--cuz lemme tell ya a lil secret, cher: I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM SO SINFUL. I CAN BE A TERRIBLE PERSON AT TIMES. I AM IMPATIENT. I AM QUICK TO ANGER. I AM EASILY ANNOYED. and a million other things that I beg with the Lord to help me correct.

I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better woman. Heck I just want to be a better human being.

So what I need is a church. A need community. I need friends. I need it now.

We arrived in NC on Monday. Saturday night we attended  a large, well established church. This (sunday) morning we attended Story Church and tonight we met with the Story Church Dream Team for a luau/bbq.  And while they are similar in many ways; powerful in many ways, it is the energetic beginning that has drawn us to Story Church. It is the growing need for growth that has us excited to join in.

While meeting with the congregation I noticed that most of them had a common characteristic..... they were new to Christ or new to Church or they had a background in church but wandered away and came back through Story Church. Lee felt an instant connection to that newness. I, on the other hand, felt drawn by the opportunity to connect and grow. I wanted to belong to a church that was young. I feel myself drawn to serving and building deep relationships. I feel like I want to delve into Theology. I want to learn the Word and pass it on.

What does this have to do with anything?

I can only guess that now that I'm in this new place and we're kind of starting a new life, I'm reevaluating everything. I'm reevaluating what I want and expect from my life. And all these words, ideas, and desires are popping into my mind--keeping me up at night.

But Between the promise and the provision is the perfecting time.  I have dreams, and God will get me there When I'm ready and am completely capable of glorifying Him once I'm there. He doesn't need my help fulfilling the promises He's made to me. I have to surrender and be patient.

Sunday Citar

Po' Boy Blues by Langston Hughes

When I was home de
Sunshine seemed like gold.
When I was home de
Sunshine seemed like gold.
Since I come up North de
Whole damn world's turned cold.

I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong.
Yes, I was a good boy,
Never done no wrong,
But this world is weary
An' de road is hard an' long.

I fell in love with
A gal I thought was kind.
Fell in love with
A gal I thought was kind.
She made me lose ma money
An' almost lose ma mind.

Weary, weary,
Weary early in de morn.
Weary, weary,
Early, early in de morn.
I's so weary
I wish I'd never been born. 

 Lemme Tell You What 

by Jillien

That gal of which he speaks, is my car, who has broken down half way through our trip to the new home in NC.   That long road of which he speaks, is I-59 which stretches from here to kingdom come. That weary morn of which he speaks, is my mind and my soul who are weary, my loves. And that golden sunshine of which he speaks, shines on my home long sold. 

Today I said goodbye

To my mom and dad.

I'm sad....

I started my Bible in 90 days challenge.
Day One [check]

I'm sleepy...

Tomorrow I rush to Baton Rouge for  a day with friends and church in the evening.

I'm anxious...

My arms and shoulders are sore from changing the front brakes of my car with my dad yesterday.

I'm proud of myself...

I have been competing in 5 different scrabble matches with internet scrabblers for the last 3 days. The games have yet to end.

I'm a nerd.