Whitney Update

Can y'all believe that Whitney's a high school SENIOR?!!? Incredible. Time goes by so quickly. Years have passed since he moved away. So many things have changed, BUT fortunately My lil Whitney is coming home. He's going to UNO for college!!! then to LSU (those are his plans) which means that i'll see him all the time. He's such a great kid. And so cute. he's got all the girls up north eating in the palm of his hand I bet!

thats when the spark came: an Ode to Cormier

open you up
slide my fingers over your cool, smooth
insides.

gentle but full of life
full of action and emotions
and anticipation.

i am eager
and that's when the spark came.

baking me into immobilization
searing me with anxiety.
can't pull away from you
day and night
i look at you
day and night i hold you in my hands.

Waiting to see your next
surprise
or enlightenment.
you have been my everything.
never want it to end
yet i don't want to slow down.


loved you from the moment i saw you
touched you
held you
opened you.

remember?
that's when the spark came.

great video

Accurate description

lee: u angry?! - cmon - you know u dont' get mad
unless someone wakes you up, takes your food, tries to give you a hug, or kiss, laughs at you - that is all

Pro-Life group

AWesome response to a woman who spoke about having control over her own body in regard to having an abortion:

"Look again...is that really your body to have "control" of? She may "have your cute nose" but it isn't yours. He may "have your eyes" but they don't belong to you. She may have 10 fingers, but that doesn't mean you have 20. "

Larry Mankins

One Act One Scene Play

[Husband and Wife laying in bed. It is night time--all is quiet, and each is reading a novel. Wife has something in her throat. She clears her throat repeatedly]

Husband: Why don't you get some water? I keep hearing you cough and its driving me crazy.

Wife: Okay I'll drink something... Yeah maybe that will help.

[Wife goes down stairs and gets a glass of water. She drinks and returns to bed and her book]

Wife: [clears her throat and then her stomach rumbles]

Husband: [growing impatient] Wow your body is jubilant tonight. Your throat is singing; your stomach is singing.

[Just then Husband's stomach growls loudly. Husband whips his head toward his torso]

Husband: Was that my stomach?

Wife: [cracks up laughing] that's what you get for being so crazy.

Recent Funny Quotes

Jillien: "Your ice is skin cold"

Melissa: "OMG and there's a Lizard on it and everything!"

Jillien: "keep my baby cousin's womanhood out of your vocabulary."

Chris: "I laugh at you."

Jessica: Talking about becoming Parish President... "I want to bring like more better stuff to Chalmette."

David: "Slava! Can I batushka you for a ride?"

David: "She's a dobleyst liar."

Jillien: "do y'all go home and sing love songs to each other... in opera?"

Talk about a "blast from the Past"

Okay so my last few entries have been about looking back and moving forward WELLLLLLL

This little bit of hilarity has just brought me back SEVERAL YEARS.

My very first blog was at geocities. You can check it out here if you'd like: click here.

If you look at the guestbook and go past all the freaky porno comments, there are comments from my friends that were just checking out the site. Its sooo funny. there are people that i don't even remember who they are.

its great looking at old jokes and crazy stuff i used to write.

Any ways...... I'm done.

Re-reading!

I've been reading posts from 2005 and 2006. Just browsing my old ass posts lol There was one saying something like "i really don't want to go back to school and have to stress over my gpa and all that jazz"

its funny reading this 3 years later. Having graduated summa cum laude and feeling lucky that I had the strength to go back semester after semester... even after all the shit that i went through. and finishing with my ONE DREAM successfully completed.

I wonder what i will dream of tomorrow. its strange once your dreams have come true. You feel this satisfaction that makes you slightly stagnate. what will i do tomorrow? Does it matter? I got all i wanted.

Its sooooo weird. I mean most of my young adult life consisted around graduating top of my class and having as much fun as i could manage in the mean time. I didn't really think beyond that. I know that sounds retarded, but nothing after that was really all that desirable to me.

SO NOW. i'm looking for a new dream. I new goal to make my life even more complete.

I wonder if Lia will be my next goal. --Making her life super successful. Hmmmm

It seems that way. She's my only care now. I'm over with. For a year while she was a baby and i was in school, my cares were shared between her life and my success. Now that I'm kind of out of the way all i think about is making lia brilliant and me getting in shape.


GRRRR now i'm just blabbing.

Peace easy pumpkin squeezy.

JM

Is it just me or does Ashley Tisdale look like a young Britney Murphy?

Cleanliness

I've always just been a super messy person. I think it stems from never having to clean my room as a child or from never having any chores. I was never obligated to clean a single thing. so now in adulthood, i struggle to maintain cleanliness and order. I envy my friends and family who always have everything in the proper spot and don't leave their socks everywhere and empty glasses and shit like that.

I'm so horrible. Like I'll clean all of the clothes but NEVER fold it or put it up. Isn't that terrible?! the only person in this house whose clothes I fold and organize is Lia's. But me and Lee's--never.

Maybe i need to go to a hypnotist. Have them create in me a clean freak. I would totally love that!

Wassahapaning

Bootcamp is totally kicking my ass.

I'm already sore and i only just got back less than 2 hours ago.

Is it just me or does Zac Efron look like a Young Jared Leto?

Facebook blog--cuz i feel it must be reiterated

Years ago blogs were the thing. before there were social networking websites like facebook and myspace there were blogs. everybody had something to say and a reader interested in that something. Now personal blogs are going away.

I've had a blog for years and for a while i neglected it. I had a kid and a house and a husband and school and problems and shit that prevented me from feeling like i had anything to say. but recently i've come back. I'm redeeming my blog. I'm writing and though i'm not as fluid as i once was; i hope that soon i'll get there.

At one point strangers and friends would come to my blog and read my life and comment and leave to pursue their own lives. Then people who were too involved began reading and i began censoring. Its a fine line. too much info or lack of self expression. anyways, i'm interested in blogging again--even if there are less people interested now. Even if there is no audience. it doesn't matter. Its mine. and i'll hopefully be able to keep it forever and have my youth preserved with my words. with my poetry and thoughts and criticisms and mistakes. I'll have that no matter who reads or doesn't read.

Performance

So I have a performance at the New Orleans museum tonight, but after screaming all night Saturday; i've lost my voice. At opera rehearsal on monday I would open my mouth and only air would come out. and still today i'm not sounding right. Unfortunately for me and for the audience i'm singing 3 songs. well butchering 3 songs is more like it :(

pray that some heavenly angel helps me through this performance. I'm usually very nervous when i perform here and so this will add to my anxiety. I hope i don't pass out. Maybe she'll let me read some poetry instead of sing. I'll be prepared for anything.

New Kids on the Block

So Saturday night- i went to the best concert of my LIFE. New kids on the Block =BABY! it was incredible! I would scream at the top of my lungs and shake my arms in the air, and my cousin, Melissa, who came with me would crack up laughing at me. And then 3 seconds later when Jordan would be dirty dancing--she would go hysterical!

Donnie is all man now! he's so hot. At one point they came out in the middle of the crowd and i almost jumped on peoples heads like they were lily pads just through desire to get to them.

I was telling my baby cousin how awesome it was and i told her that i doubt any other concert could compare with it. So she responded with "what about if Britney comes?"

And as AWESOME as Britney's concert would be. I wouldn't be screaming and hyperventilating if she were to take her shirt off. I would be totally turned off actually lol.

I've been to a lot of concerts. I've seen bands live, but nothing compared to this incredible show! THey still have tour dates. Get tickets and go b/c it is super awesome.

As a minority...

I feel like I have an advantage of looking at things with a clearer vision. I know that sounds strange,but give me minute and I'll explain.

So we're going through this very monumental presidential election. On one hand we have obama a democrat who supports abortion and other policies that I cannot support--also his past affiliations with black panthers and other outrageously racist black supremacists honestly scare me. And then we have this older white male who --for the most part-- offers everything i feel this country needs.

Now many people are voting for Obama because he's African American and other more educated people are voting for him because they believe in his vision for america. I just happen to be a Hispanic female who isn't supporting another minority because he's a minority, who happens to see the "reverse racism" all over the media.

THe other day they were showing clips of the presidential candidates being asked questions that they had difficulty answering.

As an American, I was particularly offended by one:

John McCain was asked "What have you done to improve the lives of African Americans?"... and of course as a testament that he's a racist--he had difficulty answering.

Now let me ask you if you honestly can say that this question is fair at all? What incredible responsibility to place on ONE MAN to improve the lives of millions of people, but not all people or Americans in general.. He had to put all his attention and effort to improve the lives of just African Americans.

Really what happened to "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your Country. " Is it racists to reply. "What have African Americans done to improve their OWN lives?"

I'm tired of being Latino American. In reality I'm an AMERICAN. just plain AMERICAN. improve the lives of Americans--not hispanics or blacks or women. When are we going to just let it all go?

Its good to embrace your heritage and your ethnicity but to separate yourself from others based on it, is Un-American.

I'm so incredibly EXCITED

I really can't wait to see the Twilight movie. ALTHOUGH, as is obvious from the trailer, the movie is NOTHING like the book. I mean there are similarities, and by similarities I mean Names and places.

Here's the new trailer for your viewing pleasure.


Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer

Hilarious

This is from Fairly Odd Parents:

[Father and son talking. Father reminiscing about old times]

FAther: My dreams were shattered years ago.

Son: How many years ago?

Father: How old are you?



I don't care who you are...that's funny right der.

Can you believe that!

So I guess I don't learn.

Now I'm doing the offending. Gosh, I forget that there are people out there are more sensitive than me. I forget to check my words. I forget to have tact and class at times. Its insane.

When am I going to grow up?

Offenses

have you ever been offended by a person who wasn't trying to be offensive by his or her language? in a way when the person is NOT trying to be offensive it makes the offense that much greater BECAUSE it means the words are more connected with his or her perception of the truth.

if you could follow that, you truly have a genius mind.

Anyways: You can't help but feeling like you have something to do with that perception or assumption or negation.... Its hard to describe--other than asking yourself, why. Why would this person think this capable of you or normal for you.

One Act One Scene Play

[Husband and wife sitting at the computer looking at Husband's facebook profile]

Wife: Dude, you need to change that profile picture. Its like from 1098347 years ago.

Husband: OOhhh yeah lets make a couple of albums.

Wife: Okay, but first we need to change the profile picture.

[Wife chooses what she believes to be a great picture of Husband and uploads it as his official profile picture]

Husband: What the hell! Take that picture down. I look like I weigh 110 in that pic.

Wife: You weigh 110 right now.

[Wife chooses another picture that she thinks would be great as his profile pic]

Husband: What's wrong with you! You chose pictures that make me look like I'm on AIDS.

Butterfly Winds

out of my control
its been
out of my hands.
My butterfly wings started the wind
and now
I'm trapped in an endless spin.

Lia starts preschool

Depending on Gustav, Lia is scheduled to start Pre-k2 next friday. I'm so incredibly excited. I can't wait. I know its only 4 hours a day and they are going to fly by, but I can't express how much I'm looking forward to those 4 hours. The other parents were saying how sad they were going to be, and I felt slightly out of place with that sentiment because I'm the opposite. I'm relying on those few hours to retain my sanity. lol

Our family has really become involved this summer. We all have our activities that allow us to express ourselves. Lee has his triathlons, Lia has gymboree and now pre-school, and I have BRSO Chorus and my new work out regiment. But there are still things coming up. Still more opportunities. We're praying for success on these new endeavors.

TTWWWIIILLLIIIGGGHHTT: twilight twilight twilight!

i'm sooo addicted to the Twilight series of novels. Not only have I read all of the books, TWICE. I also read and watch everything the internet has to offer on the upcoming movie. Although, I am really disappointed that they've decided to delete/add/change some of the events of the book. I wish the author would have been more stern on the adaptation of her novel. Instead, I'm pretty sure that the movie will be more like: "loosely inspired by the novel Twilight". NONETHELESS, i'm still ECSTATIC!!!! I just looooove Robert Pattinson who is playing Edward Cullen. I think he'll be great. I've decided to provide you with 2 very hilarious twilight spoofs. They'll only be funny if you've read the books. So if you haven't please take a moment to read them and catch up.... do do do do do do do dum dum dum do da do da... that should be enough. And now for your viewing pleasure!

i think it's apparent that we miss each other

Light as air
But like gentle gravity's pull
Time has shown us where
And how our lives have fared.

Walking separately
Yet we both have remained
the same, although changed
by playing life's game.

Do you have the strength?

Would you have the strength to see someone's email up on the computer screen and NOT read it? Not feel the urge to scan through the intimate thoughts of others?

Or do you think its your right to read b/c if the thoughts were so personal why were they up for anyone to read?

How does this work?

If you ask me, I don't think one should EVER read someone's emails or letters without permission. It is such an invasion. Plus things can get misconstrued. Thats the way wrong assumptions rot the mind. Its ironic that I blog. I allow many personal thoughts to be read by complete strangers, but at least that is my intention. My emails are not intended to be read by anyone other than the addressee.

JM

All Together now

Its strange how slowly yet intensely life can pass without your awareness. Lately my anxiety has been growing. I didn't realize how intense it had become until it was suddenly relieved today. Just a simple phone call from a friend and a loving visit from my beautiful cousin last night released the mounting pressure. It also hasn't helped that this week has been an endless distraction from life due to the twilight books. I started the first book on Monday. Its saturday night and i'm over half way done the last book. It has been an intense reading week. Unfortunately for my family, when I begin reading it is hard for me to pull myself away, and then I find myself doing nothing but reading. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I just read. I'm thanking God that I'm almost done, and by next week I'll be able to concentrate on Lia the way I should be. I'm feeling better now.

Recent Pictures

Overwhelmed

I keep breathing in and out
yet the air can't seem to satisfy,
and the harder i try
the harder it is
to breathe in again--
ya dig?!

Trying to remember
that its all gunna be alright--
is not working right now
I need space;
get out my face!

I love you,
but I can't.
I need you,
but not right now.

Just a place to call my own,
and come out when I'm ready.
In a minute- in a day-- in a week
maybe a year
but still
without it
I'm overwhelmed.
Under appreciated
Un loved
and out of patience
ya hear!

Help me
I'm sinking.
I'm falling
I'm drowning
In my own anger
at what seems so small,
to me right now is so large
so big--
Ya dig?!

Counting down the days
Like my savior is on his way
Like my king has saved the day
Like my Lord is answering my pray-
'ers!
Ya heard?!

Finally I'm cooling down
my words were flowing out
and with them my anxiety
and stress
for another time
in another mess.
I'll be back
to lay the rhyme
to ring the chime
to dance the jig
Ya dig?!

Glancing through the Past

So lately I've been hung up about the past. I think about old friends; I look for them on myspace/facebook; I also have been reading my old posts from 3 years ago. I feel like i've changed so much. I used to be funny and witty, but I feel like I may have lost that. I feel like i've begun to stop finding humor in the world around me. It makes me sad. Everyone's life keeps moving forward, including mine, but I keep looking back and then tripping on things that are in front of me because i'm not looking where I'm going. I want a little of my old self. Is that impossible?

My Little Girl

You're my little girl
and my best friend.
Love you more than life
because my love has no end:
With your beautiful eyes
that you must get from me,
and your sassy attitude,
but from who could that be?
My Little Girl -L-I-A
What can I say?
I live every day
to see your smile
showing all 6 of your teeth.
It makes my heart melt.
In my life,
I've never felt
such pride
inside.
to the LORD I lift
my heart and thanks
for such a precious gift.
And I pray
every night
and every day
for the strength to be the type
of mom to make your life
go right.
Be happy.
Be you.
Stay true.
That's what I wish for you,
My little girl.

Jillien

l Let Go (Reprise)

I have finally let go.
I feel the feeling fleeting
Into nothingness.

Thank God,
I've finally moved on
From the only thing holding me back.

I have finally let go,
And you will notice the change.
You will see that my name
has warped again.

How Tortured Are You?

How tortured are you?
In an infinite megabyte world...
In a sea of 1's and 0's;
In an abyss of fleeting strangers.

How tortured are you?
Melting in a pot of digital waves,
Fading in the vast nothing,
Searching in a world controlled by computer chips.

How tortured are you?
To have no family or friends
To touch or to know
To hold or to show your face to late at night.

How tortured are you?
Now that you know
That you are not alone
You are not alone.

Oh yeah

So I finally graduated. Its seems like i've lost the best form of entertainment I could have ever ask for. I was the type of student that never skipped class. I actually LOVED going to class b/c that was the only time I would learn anything. I'm not the type to go home and diligently read my book and do my homework. Like I've said before: I'm lazy. Nonetheless, I have this kind of memory where if I hear it I remember it. So if i never go to class; i'd never learn anything... Well now its over and there are no brilliant people analyzing poetry for me or explaining the theories of theology and philosophy. No one asking me the tough questions. No one challenging me. I think its time for graduate school. I'm sure they'll bust my balls there. I'll be begging to be a graduate again. Maybe by the time i finish grad school, I'll be so full of knowledge that i will feel content and satisfied. I just need to be accepted. Thats the hard part...

Bootie Dimples

How is it possible for such a skinny person to be so dimply fat!?! Its insane. I'm not good at working out, but I should be... I just don't have the energy. I wonder when I became so lazy and disinterested. i used to be fierce. I even notice that with Lia. She is soo hyper, and I don't have the patience or energy to keep up and i'm only freking 22 years old!!! I feel like an old lady and sometimes I look like an old lady it seems.

Ode to Nora Jones...lol

I, too, yearn for yesterday,
As sweet, soft, amber, airy somethings fill the air.
With eyes closed my heaviness fades away,
And my everything with you I'd love to share.

With eyes open I barely know what to feel,
But somehow you're voice gives me a place to rest.
Slowly my confused wounds begin to heal,
And my heart beats more gently in my chest.

I, too, yearn for yesterday
To a time when my happiness was my only care,
But don't dwell in the past-- they often say;
I admit that never again will I be there.

Whoa

Its been a while.

I've been so busy with school its ridiculous. I'm the editor this semester again for the newspaper and we were having some big problems. I almost hyperventilated and died in the office when I saw the finished copy because of all the mistakes. It was incredible. Anyways I have been asked to blog for the new blog for OLHCC. School related stuff. So if you wanna double dose of blogging its at www.getserious.wordpress.com
Anyways there we go. I'm tired of words. Maybe after I graduate I'll be able to devote myself to writing more. I look forward to being graduated.

One Act/ One Scene Play

[Scene: A wife in the kitchen. Her husband sitting in the living room watching tv. The rooms are set up so that one may see from the kitchen to the living room and from the living room to the kitchen.]

Husband: I'm hungry. what we got to eat?
WIfe: There's a pizza in the freezer. Go fix it
Husband: Alright

[ Husband walks over to the freezer and takes out the pizza.]

Husband: Bay, how long does it take for the oven to heat up?
Wife: I don't know about 7 minutes, I guess.

[Husband turns on the oven, places the pizza in it immediately, and sets the timer]

wife: What did you do? Just set the time for 7 minutes extra?
Husband: Yea

[After a few minutes the wife goes over to the oven. There are 7 minutes left on the timer. She opens up the oven door and a big puff of smoke comes out of the oven. she closes the door quickly. she walks back to the living room and sits with her husband on the couch. A few minutes pass when the husband speaks again.]

Husband: Wow it smells like the pizza is burning.
Wife: Yeah it does, and when I walked over there and opened the door a big puff of smoke came out.
Husband: What!

[He runs to the oven and opens the door. An even larger puff of smoke comes out of the oven]

Husband: What the hell?! Why didn't you take the pizza out when you saw all the smoke.
Wife: Well the timer still had 7 minutes left.

The End.

Who dat?

ok i was impressed with the tigers all season until yesterday and now i don't even want to hear the words LSU Tigers. then i was depressed with the (s)Aints all season and now its looking like we're going to pull through.

I'm such a flakey fan!

fleeting emotions

People lurking in the past
Things I've started left undone
and when i think of 'will it last'
i look back to what will come.

left without a fair goodbye
what do they all think of me
and though i block you from my mind
I think sometimes of what could be.

Its only right that you should know
That bed I made is sinking low
and though i do not deserve the thought
I wish that you would leave me not

a long past passing in my brain
is caught not easily by my hand
but i hopelessly attempt to gain
a glimpse of what I once had

Racists

why doesn't someone just come out and say it.. That freking rev. al sharpton is a freking racist. I'm tired of people just standing behind a race! Stand behind values, stand being morality, but why stand behind race?!? Practice some color blindness: so the next time a black prostitute LIES that she was raped we look at the facts and not the race. So the next time a white kid is beaten unconscious we look at the facts and not the race. Its sooooo disgusting.

Am I the only one that doesnt get it?

6 guys beat one guy unconscious, how is it an injustice that criminal charges are brought up against the group? Is it because prior incidents were not brought into the justice system? Thats what all the petitions should be about. Equal discipline, but definitely not about the appropriate discipline brought towards a violent mob.

I am supported financially.

My husband works hard to provide.

My husband does what he feels is enough.

He sacrifices.

Question?

if God knows everything... including your future and what you are about to do, then how can there be free will? If God is omniscient then nothing can exist out of his consciousness. I mean think about it. how can you make a decision that God doesn't know about? and then he'll be like "wow that really Surprised me"

No way. It just doesn't make sense. The only way one can truly have free will is if God's knowledge only exists in the present tense. He can assume what you will do. Because if he does know your future than every step you take or butt you scratch has already been decided upon by Him.

Does that make sense at all?

I watched that movie "Legends of the Fall'

It was the best movie ever made and the saddest. I literally cried for 2 hours afterwards. and the movie itself was like 3 hours long. So thats a total of 5 hours of my life spent on overwhelming sad emotion haha. Nonetheless it rocked.

Sometimes i wish i were like Brad Pitt's character. Free and wild. Able to let go and melt into the environment. You live in an equilibrium with nature and 'God' and his fury and his mercy, his nature and his absense.

Its kind of like the humanism. They treasure humans as simply an animal. No sins or repressed desires, just basic animal instincts::: go for it.

Emotions

I swing from place to place
with no more attention
from slavery to space.

A fire thats squelched
in time will repeat
and love that was hot
is too great a feat.

Nothing will go my way
today.
I hold on to happiness'
wings and pray.

Harder and harder to laugh
its seems.
and now all colorless
even in dreams.

why do i do the things i do

I am a condradictory person. My husband has told me so and i notice it as well.

for example:

Joe: I LOVE that movie
Jillien: Really? i didnt like it all that much.

there is no need for me to say that and in fact it could hurt someones feelings or rub someone the wrong way and YET i cannot help it. I need to really start thinking before i speak. I guess because i like conflict. I like trying to convice people of things and i rarely get offended by anything. That i forget to put the filter on my mouth.

If i have done this to anyone i apologize. i truly dont mean anything by it except that i didnt like that movie or that song annoys me. I dont know why everyone has to agree, but i can see how it can be obnoxious.

I need to stop.

From this point forward i will think before i speak. {or at least try to}

Bryan the Beautiful vs The Infamous

so i have this horrible habit of getting angry at  people for doing something that i might do all the time. Like for example, I'm the worst person to stay in touch with because i make very little effort to stay in touch with you.  Not that i dont love you but its just hard for me. [dont know why] But if you put in as little effort as i do, I get pissed!?!? i know. i'm crazy. Well this recently happened with my friend bryan.

I brought out an old saying of his and i told him 'good bye forever'  Because he wasnt talkin to me just like i wasnt talking to him. Whats that about.\?! and we've always been cool. Since highschool. and now he's working with nasa, going to a&m and has so many things on his plate

AND I have a baby and a house and a family and so many thigns on my plate.

But the truth is is that i miss him. I miss having friends. I miss seeing the ones i care about. I miss being able to play pool in the middle of the night.  

Thats all

sometimes it gets tough

recently lee and i had a bad arguement. i mean everyone fights right? i'm at home all day alone with no friends or family. he's at work for 12 h ours a day and doesnt get a moment to himself barely. what are we to do?

lee was beginning to just get so aggravated with me. and i can understand that. i have a tendency to think that there isnt anything wrong with me and if you dont like it well TOUGH SHIT. but thats not the way a good person should be. i person should be able to look at his or her faults and realize those are things she MUST work on. and NOONE has to get used to that.

I am learning so much about myself through lee. He's wonderful and faulty. Just Like Me.

its been a while but here is my latest one act one scene play

[Lee and Jillien are sitting on the bed conversing while their baby girl sleeps. Jillien begins doing an impression of lee making a funny noise when he hurt himself]

Jillien: maaaaaaaaaooooooohhhhhhhhh oow oow ow
MMMMMMaaaaaaaaAoooooWWW ow oooow ow
[lee and jillien start to laugh]
Lee: you sound like a machine
Jillien: what kind of machine??

Lee: a retard machine

What an amazing Christmas

So my little girl racked in the big presents. She got such a huge amount of gifts. She's so adorable and sooo Loved. Its wonderful. Gosh this was a good and crazy year. So many ups and downs. I mean really low downs and incredibly high ups.

My life is happy and complete, but i do miss playing pool and dancing and living in new orleans. I miss being able to just get up and go. Now it takes me an eternity to leave the house because i have to get the baby ready.

Its so strange how things work out. My baby has been alive for 10 weeks. Can you imagine only 2 months and half of living and breathing out in the world? Everything is so new. So much development. Every second that goes by is another second that she has gained in just everyday activities: breathing, blinking, smelling, touching. Can you imagine the air being new to you? the color pink being new to you? She won't remember it. But i will always remember her faces when you dance around her face with a colorful toy. Or the new sounds she makes and then she kicks her legs in excitement over hearing herself make noise. Its amazing.

me& lia

 

Ina Garten You Bitch

So now i'm addicted to watching tv and especially the food network.

I saw the holiday cookie special and was just hypnotized by a recipe
of Rugelach that the Barefoot
Contessa was making. I decide [being the culinary genius that i am]
that i can handle that shit.

I get all the ingredients which were close to a million dollars at wal-mart.
I get all of the supplies which cost close to fifty dollars at target and
I get to working

It takes me the whole freaking day@@!#$!Q#$!%!

i finished the damn cookies at 11 o'clock at night. I was exhausted.
I actually didnt taste them
until this morning.

BUT THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

soo i guess it was worth it.

I've decided because im broke for the holidays that i cannot afford
to buy anyone any presents.Instead they will receive these million
dollar 24 hours taking COOKIES.


Merry Christmas!

wow almost a month since i've last blogged. What can i say, i'm really busy now hehee

life with the baby is amazing. She is clingy and needy and i love every minute of it. 

i'm getting so nasty fat. its amazing guys.

I can't even think of any thing to type because there is just so much that has happened, but o well. 
will just have to settle for my cookie story. 

What an amazing life i live

Its crazy and cliche and whatever else, but it is SO wonderful being a mom. You never think you can be soooo in love. you wonder how God could have pulled it off.Sometimes i wonder if Lia knows how irresistable she is to me, whenever she's doing all her cute faces and crying and kicking.She is so amazing. And she KNOWS exactly who i am. She knows that she's going to get fed when i come around or when she hears my voice. its honestly the most rewarding thing in the world. She is the reason that i love. She is my life. I am sooo lucky to have such a beautiful girl

wow so its been an eternity since i've blogged...

and this little hunny bunches of oats is the reason why.

Lilia Whitbeck was born on the 16th of october and weighed in at 6 pounds 10.7 ounces and a height of 21 inches long.


I went into labor on that sunday around midnight and had her on monday at 11 in the morning. It was tremendous pain. I went to the hospital dying of pain and contractions, and being past due my due date you would thing they would take action, but NO.

they sent my ass home. 4 hours later in dying and shaking of pain and then it seemed a medical emergency. Nonetheless i got my epidural and she came out so easily the entire staff was impressed. this is the most adorable beautiful well behaved angel on the face of the planet and she is all mine.

its so strange loving her so much; when before she was born i was filled with uncertainty about my feelings towards her and now i can't imagine being happy without her.

she has her own blogger and you can check out a lot more pics of her on there:

http://www.liawhitbeck.blogspot.com

Lee: Where's my purse?

Jillien: I think its in my wallet.

i'm starting to think that my body needs a break. i've been on overdrive since my pregnancy began; i just never wanted to let it get the better of me... i never wanted people to think that i was fragile or weak. but today i feel ill. i'm tired and sleepy and stuffy and sneezy and i want to go to sleep but the funny thing is is that now that i want to wind down my life has been turned on to warp speed. i always have a lot to do; a lot to cook; a lot to clean; a lot to fold; a lot to drive. i wish that i could just be in my bed comfortable with Lola and Lee and do nothing the whole day. I wish i didnt have to clean dishes or read about proper bottle cleaning. I kind of just want to press pause.

interesting events
changing in the air
cloudy eyes
and cloudy sight
keeps the weather cool and fair.

i truly have the most loving family

this weekend my uncle came and refinished our hardwood floors for nothing. He wanted to give me this as a present, and do it before the baby comes. My aunt and my cousins came up to shop and keep me company and love me. Lee's sister gave us a tv stand and some stools... my mom and dad provide us wish easy love, and Lee's parent's provide us with support and direction.

The baby is due this thursday, and i couldnt think of a luckier child because he or she is being born into a family that does everything and will do anything for him/her just bc they love her. Thats a beautiful thing. Not everyone is born into a family that has that type of unconditional love, where the members of that family can't find what else to do with themselves, what else to give him, how much to love him.

Lee is incredible. and he's a wonderful husband, and he's going to be a wonderful father.

i'm happy. I'm nervous and happy.

what a while

Ok so i havent blogged in a long time! duh...

i moved into the house last tuesday and i've been soooooo incredibly busy its unbelievable.

We still don't have any furniture. its very sad lol but we are ordering the set htat i want today and the table with chairs tomorrow. We're hoping to have them by the end of the week. Its incredible living in a new place. Just trying to force yourself to make it feel like home, but at the same time its not too difficult because you put so much of yourself in it [fixing it, cleaning it, decorating it] That when you fall asleep at night you are just drowning in ownership and exhaustion.

Its really nice having a place, but at the same time i MISS my HOME sooooo much. I miss my mom and my dad and tito and lola and sissy lynn. I think i just want it all. A place of my own that comes with my family and pets. lol

I'm sad and alone in this house at times, but when lee gets back i'm happy and excited. Its horrible mixed feelings

I'm finally a homeowner

Yesterday Lee and I signed all the papers to finalize the closing of the house.

Its so crazy. 2 days ago at the walk through, Lee noticed that on the For Sale signed it had SOLD on it. Thats so amazing. It feels kind of unreal. Like this happens to other people. But no. I'm the one that is owning a house now. [well me and lee] It feels like everything is coming together.

Lee and I are starting to feel excitement towards the baby coming; before it was apprehension.
Lee and I are starting to feel confident about owning a house; before it was uncertainty.

I really feel like we are going to make a great family.. Our next big hurtle is trying to move into the house. That is going to be a huge task; all my things need to come from the westbank, all the baby's things need to come from kenner, and all of lee's things need to be sorted and brought from the storage place and his friend's condo where he's staying.

Hmmm its gunna be hard. OOOOO and by the way, did i mention we dont own any furniture yet/!? lol

Tomorrow is my last day of work

Wow all year has lead up to this. My two other '2 week notices'. My mental breakdowns, my pregnancy, my emotional rollercoaster.

EVERYTHING its all over. I'm moving on. I'm buying a new house. I close on thursday and tomorrows my walk through. I move in on monday. I don't go back to school until next semester to give me time for the baby. I leave my home of 21 years to say hello to a new home, with a new family that i'm the co-head of.

How am I supposed to handle all of this change? I've never been an unemployed, non-student, wife thats a mommy-to-be. That is a whole hell of a lot to adjust to. And i guess that it hasnt hit me until now. I mean not even the pregnancy. I've just been living each day in a sort of dreamlike/surreal state. This can't be happening. right?

But why does change have to be bad? Change might bring me to happiness. Change can be rejuvinating and inspiring. I hope that i can take all of this change. I hope that I can accept all of this change.

To my most loving Husband

Last night i began doing laundry EXTREMELY late, which for me is about 8:45/9 o'clock. [keep in mind i go to sleep at 10] well i had a load in the dryer and a load in the washer. I pass out asleep by 10 and my clothes aren't done yet, of course.

But when i wake up all of my clothes are folded and hanging in the living room. Lee Henry stayed up and finished washing drying and hanging all of my clothes so that they would be ready for me in the morning.
--------------------------------------------------------

The other night we are getting ready for bed and the tv was on. I told him to turn it off before we go to bed bc i didn't want him disturbing his sleep. He told me no that he doesnt mind the tv. In the middle of the night i get woken up by Lee getting out of bed to turn off the tv.

The next morning I start making fun of him and say "ah huh! i thought you said that the tv didn't bother you, and you get up in the middle of the night to turn it off..." and he says "i only turned it off because you were tossing and turning and i thought it was keeping you up."
---------------------------------------------

Wow my husband loves me. He always thinks of me first. He is so unselfish and thoughtful, and i cannot believe that God could bless me this much..

Gosh i am soooo incredibly busy

its like there are too many things that need to be done in just one day. i always seem to have a deadline. A today is the day deadline. Maybe thats bc i am a horrible procrastinator and when i finally get around to doing what i have to do, it needs to be done RIGHT NOW! Its so crazy, and not even thinking about the fact that i'm still working. And by still working i have even less hours to do what i need to do. Like for example yesterday was my day off. This is what i did:

8AM- doctors appointment
drove home and remembered that i forgot to request a medical letter to send to TOPS so that i can maintain my scholarship even though i'm sitting out a semester on maternity leave.
8:45AM- drove back to the doctor's office/ got my letter
drove home and my mom calls me to go pick up a receipt at statefarm

I leave and go to statefarm/ pick up receipt.

From there i go to get my oil changed. Then to get a new toll tag [mine was 2 months overdue]. after waiting for 20 mins I realize that the toll tag place only takes cash . Go to the bank; get cash; go back and get my toll tag. Then i drive to Holy Cross and handle my registration and refund check and get my official transcript. Drive home fill out my exemption application and personal letter to TOP; take a shower; got dressed and picked up my cousin to eat lunch; an hour later i'm dropping her off and then i'm off to the postoffice where i get stamps for my babyshower thank you cards and a money order so that i can get a certified copy of my marriage license. I mail everything off, and now i'm driving to Baton Rouge. I arrive and go to the mall to get shorts for tailgaiting today, then i go to walmart to buy some necessities, wait for lee to get his hair cut, and FINALLY by around 6:30 i'm able to sit down and relax on the couch.

And today [saturday] is going to be another full of activities day, but at least today it isnt errands. its tailgaiting and driving home and exchanging babyshower presents at babiesrus. Its going to be good

More Pictures on the Infamous Pic Page

If you would like to see more pictures of the baby shower, and pictures of Lola, Tito, Sissy, CLICK HERE!

pictures of my baby shower

Old Post that I forgot to post. this happened a little less than a week ago

Lola had a severe seizure at 1:30 am. She convulsed so terribly that she was hopping all over the bed while releasing her bladder. she was about to convulse off the bed when i caught her and she continued to have her seizure. She pulled her nail and now is bleeding from her foot. My doctors have not diagnosed lola with anything. She is not on any meds. I'm debating taking her to the emergency b/c I alreadyknow that they cannot help her, but maybe they can provide me with a prescription.I'm exhausted. I need to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I just can't right now. What should/could I do?

In memory of Oleg

Hail Mary full of grace
The Lord is with thee
blessed are thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary
Mother of God
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death.

Amen

Best Saturday In a Long Time

Lee and I woke up early because as most of you know today is LSU's first game at home against ULL. So I went to the grocery, bought a shit load of snack food for the tailgait, came home, picked up Lee, and we were off.

The game didn't start till 7 so at 11am it was still early enough to find decent parking.

The ONLY down side was that it was INCREDIBLY hot... I mean unbearable at times. and considering i'm almost 34 weeks preggers. It was double hot for me. Lee got a sunburn on his face and neck, but i stayed in the shade and socialized most of the time.

Around 5:30 i was ready to go. soooooooo we started the much longer way back to the car. By this time it is very very crowded. There are tail gaits all around us, people walking, cars parked in the median in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. it was startling. Lee's thinking that we are probably blocked in because cars park 2 to 3 deep on the side of the road. So that's when i start to pray and God granted me the miracle of allowing us to 1. not get blocked in, and 2. exactly before my car was the last truck that parked in the median. So that allowed me to just cross the road and head back towards home as opposed to being stuck in 3 hour traffic, where the cops are blocking off and detouring all the cars away from the stadium. It was truly an act of God. I've included a diagram with my wonderful paint skills to illustrate our predicament.



Anyways: when we got home we just stayed in the car air conditioning for an extra ten minutes before we decided to go in. Once we got up though... I convinced lee to take me down to the pool.

I really do have the best husband in the world. When we got in the water he held me and told me to relax and i just floated on my back while he walked me around the pool. It was so wonderful. I'm not even that relaxed when i'm sleeping at night, so my body just loved it. And Lee really was there just for me. he held me and let me float and we left when I was ready. He is so beautiful.

Well anyways we came home, took showers, and decided to not go over to our friend's house and watch the game. LOL we already know it is going to be total domination. Instead my beautiful Lee is sleeping and I'm just thinking about how much he loves me and writing this post.

My new Home

ok so i cant remember if i've posted about the assholes that we are buying the new house from but You cant imagine a more incooperative ugly group of people.

They didnt negotiate on the asking price, They didnt put up any closing costs. They didn't fix anything that was wrong with the house after the inspection. The inspector couldnt look at the attic well because they still had all of their personal belongings in there. We ask them to please remove them so we could have a thorough inspection of the attic they said NO. we were supposed to have closed on the 31st of august, they decide they arent going to move out until the 18th of september.

They've dicked us around the entire time, and then to add insult to injury they have the audacity to want to make a deal.... They want to pay us rent until the 31st of september. THE BABY IS DUE OCTOBER 12th. What if the baby comes early? i'll have a week or so to get moved in to the house. It takes longer than that to get a home situated. So let me tell you this: Lee Henry said NO DICE!

Its funny. Now that they need us to be a little understanding and cooperative, we arent willing to do so. What comes around. Maybe if they had been a little nicer... a little more pliable. We would be more consenting. But when you act like an asshole to a young couple that is expecting their first kid, trying to buy their first house: PLEASE DONT ASK FOR FAVORS!. you do not deserve it.

My baby shower

was this sunday! and it was AMAZING. there were so many people there. I got soooo many baby presents. It was incredible. I got everything on my registry and DOUBLE of the most expensive items on there. I got two travel systems, two bedding sets, 3 carriers... the play pin, car seats, clothes, monitor, pump, i mean i cant even name it all. I didnt have any friends there. Just family but what an amazing family i have! there were about 50 people at my baby shower. The cake was amazing, the food was great! the people were happy and generous. I felt very special and loved. It was wonderful!

Not liking something that someone does

does NOT equal

Not liking that individual.

** i can love someone and hate everything they do

To Bryann the Beautiful

I know you were supposed to have come in town sometime in August, but i have yet to hear from you booger. not nice.

My baby shower

I'm having my baby shower this sunday coming up [not today] thats in ONE week. I'm feeling kind of nervous because this is a testament of MY family and how important they think i am by showing up. My mother has gotten a lot of RSVP's but i always worry that no one is going to show up. Its the same reason i've never thrown myself a birthday party or anything, because the embarrassment of noone showing up is extreme for me.

So this baby shower is very important to me. mainly because i dont really think that Lee's family is very enamoured with me. They always communicate how lucky I am for having Lee [and its definitely true] but i dont think they feel that Lee is lucky for having me. get it? My family is very different. they show lee a lot of love and support but when it comes to lee's family i dont think that they feel that lee found himself a smart hardworking woman. Its me that should be counting my blessings. I dont believe they see the positive changes Lee has made since he's been with me, and that makes me feel .... bad/sad/angry/dissappointed. I dont know.
So if this baby shower goes well and everyone that says they are coming shows up... Then maybe this will show that I am a person that many people love and think that i'm a pretty awesome person. It will show the hard work that all of my family put in to making me feel special.

Maybe Lee does have himself a good wife.

I took a small leave of absense for a minute

I havent really been blogging much lately. Not that i have been super busy or anything its just that i kind of ran out of things to say. but i feel inspiration is coming along. I hope.

Happy today

What a good day. I have a good life. It was payday and i didnt know it. Always a nice surprise. I got treated to lunch. I had strawberries for a breakfast snack. I got work done, but at my pace. Our other legal assistant didnt make it in today so we werent stepping on each other's toes all day. I am happy. Thank you Lord for all your blessings.

Too many to love

When i'm in baton rouge i miss everyone at home.

When i'm on the west bank i miss lee in baton rouge

BUT SOON THATS ALL GOING TO CHANGE:

We close at the end of this month. Its all official: its all inevitable. I'm going to move.

So goodbye home of 21 years. Hello reality slap in the face. I think i'm really going to start feeling the truth now. I'm pregnant, married, and on my own. Its strange. It'll be good.

I saw Lee for the first time in over a week yesterday. I dont work on mondays and fridays anymore. So i took opportunitiy to drive up and visit him yesterday. It was wonderful. I really missed him, but he had been at a bachelor party in florida all weekend so he was extremely tired. Nonetheless we had a good time. We ordered pizza and watched tv. it was nice. anyways here are a few highlights from last night:

"whats that smell?"---Jillien

"You don't have to give me a massage, just rub my back a little cuz it hurts"---Lee

"We don't have nicknames for each other just nicknames for each other's parts" ---Lee

Spaceball moment

So now you know, Lonestar, Evil will always prevail over good because good is dumb. -Dark Helmet

At last we meet for the first time for the last time!

My grade worries

during any other normal semester i stress out towards the end but i usually pull it off. I'm a procrastinator, but one that works best under extreme pressure. I guess All procrastinators do, but i'm exceptional lol!

anyways This semester has been the most challenging. Not because of the courses i was taking, but because of everything that i've had to deal with emotionally i think.

The baby, The house, Lola, the high-risk pregnancy thing... School work, homework, papers, tests... A husband, money issues blah blah blah the list just goes on and on.

This semester i only took 15 hours, and so far i have 4 out of 5 A's BUT my grade for British Literature is still not in and the scary part about it is that my grade relies on this research paper that was almost impossible for me to complete. Of course i waited till the last minute [the day before it was due] but i had till 10PM on sunday to turn it in and i started on it at 4PM on saturday. I worked from 4 to 1Am, then i woke up 7:30 sunday morning and worked on the paper from 8AM till about 2:30PM... Thats a lot of time to put into a paper, in my opinion. It has NEVER EVER taken me so long to finish a paper. I've never struggled this hard.

And this is the paper that my grade is going to rely on. So i'm almost 100% certain i will NOT get an A. and i'm super duper dissappointed.

I just think that my brain is burnt out. I've been in school non-stop since January. [we got a 10 day break in between these two semesters] and with all of my other worries, my brain cannot function anymore.

Pray that a miracle occurs and i pull off an A. It would make me so incredibly excited. Especially because the baby comes at the beginning of next semester and i KNOW that it will be very challenging to have a baby and go to school and pull off a 4.0. so i want to get my gpa as high as it can be to cushion the blow of next semesters grades lol.

My house is a zoo

We have the itty bittiest house on the planet and now we have Lola, Tito and Sissy not to forget me my mom and my dad living in it. Its so crazy now because you can't leave tito with lola or sisy b/c he's scared of them, Sissy can't be with lola or tito when she's eating because she attacks them if they get too close. Lola just wanders around and doesnt want anyone to touch her [she's a cat and she growls] Tito can't eat his treats because Lola immediately eats them all. and Lola sits in her litter box, sticks her ass over the side, and shits on the ground. on and on and on where to end?

Its a mad house.

have you ever

done something extremely terrible to another, but not intentionally? Kind of like an act of negligence or an accident. Well i did. recently. And i still can't get it out of my mind. I dont know how to forgive myself. I never ever meant for what happened to happen, but now that it has what do i do about it? how does it go away?

I'm awake!!

So so sad. I'm up at 7 in the morning [tending to lola] and so i decide to get online and check my myspace.

I see that Lee is online but Lee doesnt wake up till bout 8 so i think he must have just left his account up on his laptop.

Nope; us big losers are on myspace super EARLY in the morning.

It makes you wonder if myspace is even that interesting. I'm starting to just get over it. I used to LOVE it but now... maybe i need more friends. Yeh thats it. The only exciting part about myspace is accepting friends.

remember that new emotion i was talking about the other day?

Well i'm in it. Our home is in the process of being bought. Of course it isnt over till its over, but i feel like its as good as ours at this point. Lee has done so much research, asked so many questions, investigated every aspect of this deal. I've never met someone with such motivation and dedication.

My mother has helped us out sooo much financially. She has really helped us afford things. And lee's father has now offered to help us and its getting better and easier and greater as time progresses.

We got Lola's test results today and turns out she doesnt have Toxoplasmosis. So now all we have to wait for are my test results to confirm the same and we will be the happiest people in the WORLD.

Things are really coming together. Thank you Lord for your infinite blessings.

Lola is a pain in the ass

Lola doesnt bite or scratch but she meows very LOUDLY and sometimes you dont even know why. does she want attention?? no thats not it. is she hungry??? no thats not it. does she want to be left alone? ding ding ding.

and its that constant guessing game with her. good thing she's adorable and beautiful and everything else.

I'm a broken record

I havent been posting much. Its not that nothing is going on. SUCH AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT going on right now. but its too much to type. I can only imagine how tired everyone is reading about how stressed, depressed, anxious, insane i'm becoming.

Once i get into a new emotion. a refreshing one i'm sure i'll start typing again.

Hopefully a new house

They've accepted our contract on a new townhouse. cross your fingers!!!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

and i'm a really loved person. I see that today.

Everyone is trying hard to make me happy, and they are calling and they are leaving me myspace messages, and tonight Lee is going \to take me to the casino, and my parents gave me money to go shopping for pretty clothes, and I feel so special.

Lance Bass from N'Sync is gay...

Can you believe that he was my favorite of the group!!? I would chose the gay one to fantasize over. Thats hilarious! [Not that he's gay cuz i dont give a damn if anyone is gay or straight] whats hilarious is that he was the nerdy one. NO ONE liked him. but ME. i liked him and now he's gay.

funny funny

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,19598,00.html

So i had my performance today

And it turned out so much better than i thought it would. For some reason i work really well under pressure, and when i'm least prepared.

Go me for being the Queen of Successful Procrastination

I turn 21 TOMORROW

and i still dont know how to feel. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to be in cancun drinking and dancing. Instead i have a doctor's appointment at 9 am to test me for pregnancy diabetes.


When am i going to get happy? I don't even feel excitement on my 21st birthday. Before all this i had so many friends and acquaintances and enough people in my lfe to make this great. Now, i've lost touch with EVERYONE and i feel like i'm alone.

Its funny bc i wanted to go on a trip with Lee to the beach for my birthday, I had 1000 dollars to spend. And we felt like it would be best to save the money instead.

So next weekend Lee is going on a trip to Florida with his friends for a bachelor party, and I'm going to be alone with no memories to hold on to.

Things just feel so messed up. I'm waiting for a glimmer of happiness and hope. I'm ready to feel happy.

I know the baby will make me happy. One day soon, I'll be happy.

Definitely a BETTER day!!!

Lola is not dying-- YAY! she doesnt have AIDS or Leukimia or however you spell it.

She must have something else. Something treatable like epilepsy, and Lee and I are going to have to invest in one of these innovative Kitten Helmets to protect her if she falls off the bed again or worse.

I perform tomorrow

and i'm not prepared one bit. I barely know my song or the tempo or the notes or the anything and i have to just go infront of a large group of people and sing it. I dont think i can do it. It's very scary for me now. I did it a lot in high school but since then i've only performed a handful of times and i'm starting to get freaked out.

Wish me luck!

I turn 21 on THURSDAY

and i am more sad than anything. I don't think anyone will remember or care. I won't be able to go out dancing or drinking or anything like that. I wont go gambling money that i dont have. Basically my 21 first birthday is going to be my worst birthday.

But to look on the bright side. I have Lee on my birthday, and i have Lola and Tito, and Sissy on my birthday. I have my family and my mommy and daddy and i guess thats all i need.

My worries are consuming me

What am i going to do?
someone please answer me.

Lee and i are STILL looking for a house. STILL have not found a place to live. STILL trying to figure out how much we are willing and able to pay and afford.

I'm STILL in school. STILL behind in my reading. STILL behind on my assignments. why?

Lee and I are STILL struggling with Lola. Lola is STILL sick. She is costing us SOOO much money that we don't have, but we don't have the heart to to leave her or give her away. we just can't. But i have this horrible feeling that it isnt the smartest decision i've ever made to care for a sick stray kitten. Am i being a horrible mother? Could this have negative consequences on the baby? I'm STILL freaking out. I can't leave Lola and yet I live in constant worry that i'm endangering the baby. When should i make the executive decision and choose?

What am I to do? Did God send me Lola to care for her bc he knows that i will always love her unconditionally? Did God keep Lee and I looking for a home so that we can live in our perfect dream home yet to be found? Or am i being cursed or punished or something??? Will Lola bring illness to the baby? I pray that she doesn't. Will Lola die? Is she that sick? [i will be devastated] Will Lee and I struggle to make payments or struggle in a flood zone or in a bad area that we didnt know about?

When would God step in? Will he just let things be? and let me keep suffering?

Being away from the one you love

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING. by John Donne

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.


Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

crying all day

wow i'm a stressed out little woman.