What an amazing Christmas

So my little girl racked in the big presents. She got such a huge amount of gifts. She's so adorable and sooo Loved. Its wonderful. Gosh this was a good and crazy year. So many ups and downs. I mean really low downs and incredibly high ups.

My life is happy and complete, but i do miss playing pool and dancing and living in new orleans. I miss being able to just get up and go. Now it takes me an eternity to leave the house because i have to get the baby ready.

Its so strange how things work out. My baby has been alive for 10 weeks. Can you imagine only 2 months and half of living and breathing out in the world? Everything is so new. So much development. Every second that goes by is another second that she has gained in just everyday activities: breathing, blinking, smelling, touching. Can you imagine the air being new to you? the color pink being new to you? She won't remember it. But i will always remember her faces when you dance around her face with a colorful toy. Or the new sounds she makes and then she kicks her legs in excitement over hearing herself make noise. Its amazing.

me& lia

 

Ina Garten You Bitch

So now i'm addicted to watching tv and especially the food network.

I saw the holiday cookie special and was just hypnotized by a recipe
of Rugelach that the Barefoot
Contessa was making. I decide [being the culinary genius that i am]
that i can handle that shit.

I get all the ingredients which were close to a million dollars at wal-mart.
I get all of the supplies which cost close to fifty dollars at target and
I get to working

It takes me the whole freaking day@@!#$!Q#$!%!

i finished the damn cookies at 11 o'clock at night. I was exhausted.
I actually didnt taste them
until this morning.

BUT THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

soo i guess it was worth it.

I've decided because im broke for the holidays that i cannot afford
to buy anyone any presents.Instead they will receive these million
dollar 24 hours taking COOKIES.


Merry Christmas!

wow almost a month since i've last blogged. What can i say, i'm really busy now hehee

life with the baby is amazing. She is clingy and needy and i love every minute of it. 

i'm getting so nasty fat. its amazing guys.

I can't even think of any thing to type because there is just so much that has happened, but o well. 
will just have to settle for my cookie story. 

What an amazing life i live

Its crazy and cliche and whatever else, but it is SO wonderful being a mom. You never think you can be soooo in love. you wonder how God could have pulled it off.Sometimes i wonder if Lia knows how irresistable she is to me, whenever she's doing all her cute faces and crying and kicking.She is so amazing. And she KNOWS exactly who i am. She knows that she's going to get fed when i come around or when she hears my voice. its honestly the most rewarding thing in the world. She is the reason that i love. She is my life. I am sooo lucky to have such a beautiful girl

wow so its been an eternity since i've blogged...

and this little hunny bunches of oats is the reason why.

Lilia Whitbeck was born on the 16th of october and weighed in at 6 pounds 10.7 ounces and a height of 21 inches long.


I went into labor on that sunday around midnight and had her on monday at 11 in the morning. It was tremendous pain. I went to the hospital dying of pain and contractions, and being past due my due date you would thing they would take action, but NO.

they sent my ass home. 4 hours later in dying and shaking of pain and then it seemed a medical emergency. Nonetheless i got my epidural and she came out so easily the entire staff was impressed. this is the most adorable beautiful well behaved angel on the face of the planet and she is all mine.

its so strange loving her so much; when before she was born i was filled with uncertainty about my feelings towards her and now i can't imagine being happy without her.

she has her own blogger and you can check out a lot more pics of her on there:

http://www.liawhitbeck.blogspot.com

Lee: Where's my purse?

Jillien: I think its in my wallet.

i'm starting to think that my body needs a break. i've been on overdrive since my pregnancy began; i just never wanted to let it get the better of me... i never wanted people to think that i was fragile or weak. but today i feel ill. i'm tired and sleepy and stuffy and sneezy and i want to go to sleep but the funny thing is is that now that i want to wind down my life has been turned on to warp speed. i always have a lot to do; a lot to cook; a lot to clean; a lot to fold; a lot to drive. i wish that i could just be in my bed comfortable with Lola and Lee and do nothing the whole day. I wish i didnt have to clean dishes or read about proper bottle cleaning. I kind of just want to press pause.

interesting events
changing in the air
cloudy eyes
and cloudy sight
keeps the weather cool and fair.

i truly have the most loving family

this weekend my uncle came and refinished our hardwood floors for nothing. He wanted to give me this as a present, and do it before the baby comes. My aunt and my cousins came up to shop and keep me company and love me. Lee's sister gave us a tv stand and some stools... my mom and dad provide us wish easy love, and Lee's parent's provide us with support and direction.

The baby is due this thursday, and i couldnt think of a luckier child because he or she is being born into a family that does everything and will do anything for him/her just bc they love her. Thats a beautiful thing. Not everyone is born into a family that has that type of unconditional love, where the members of that family can't find what else to do with themselves, what else to give him, how much to love him.

Lee is incredible. and he's a wonderful husband, and he's going to be a wonderful father.

i'm happy. I'm nervous and happy.

what a while

Ok so i havent blogged in a long time! duh...

i moved into the house last tuesday and i've been soooooo incredibly busy its unbelievable.

We still don't have any furniture. its very sad lol but we are ordering the set htat i want today and the table with chairs tomorrow. We're hoping to have them by the end of the week. Its incredible living in a new place. Just trying to force yourself to make it feel like home, but at the same time its not too difficult because you put so much of yourself in it [fixing it, cleaning it, decorating it] That when you fall asleep at night you are just drowning in ownership and exhaustion.

Its really nice having a place, but at the same time i MISS my HOME sooooo much. I miss my mom and my dad and tito and lola and sissy lynn. I think i just want it all. A place of my own that comes with my family and pets. lol

I'm sad and alone in this house at times, but when lee gets back i'm happy and excited. Its horrible mixed feelings

I'm finally a homeowner

Yesterday Lee and I signed all the papers to finalize the closing of the house.

Its so crazy. 2 days ago at the walk through, Lee noticed that on the For Sale signed it had SOLD on it. Thats so amazing. It feels kind of unreal. Like this happens to other people. But no. I'm the one that is owning a house now. [well me and lee] It feels like everything is coming together.

Lee and I are starting to feel excitement towards the baby coming; before it was apprehension.
Lee and I are starting to feel confident about owning a house; before it was uncertainty.

I really feel like we are going to make a great family.. Our next big hurtle is trying to move into the house. That is going to be a huge task; all my things need to come from the westbank, all the baby's things need to come from kenner, and all of lee's things need to be sorted and brought from the storage place and his friend's condo where he's staying.

Hmmm its gunna be hard. OOOOO and by the way, did i mention we dont own any furniture yet/!? lol

Tomorrow is my last day of work

Wow all year has lead up to this. My two other '2 week notices'. My mental breakdowns, my pregnancy, my emotional rollercoaster.

EVERYTHING its all over. I'm moving on. I'm buying a new house. I close on thursday and tomorrows my walk through. I move in on monday. I don't go back to school until next semester to give me time for the baby. I leave my home of 21 years to say hello to a new home, with a new family that i'm the co-head of.

How am I supposed to handle all of this change? I've never been an unemployed, non-student, wife thats a mommy-to-be. That is a whole hell of a lot to adjust to. And i guess that it hasnt hit me until now. I mean not even the pregnancy. I've just been living each day in a sort of dreamlike/surreal state. This can't be happening. right?

But why does change have to be bad? Change might bring me to happiness. Change can be rejuvinating and inspiring. I hope that i can take all of this change. I hope that I can accept all of this change.

To my most loving Husband

Last night i began doing laundry EXTREMELY late, which for me is about 8:45/9 o'clock. [keep in mind i go to sleep at 10] well i had a load in the dryer and a load in the washer. I pass out asleep by 10 and my clothes aren't done yet, of course.

But when i wake up all of my clothes are folded and hanging in the living room. Lee Henry stayed up and finished washing drying and hanging all of my clothes so that they would be ready for me in the morning.
--------------------------------------------------------

The other night we are getting ready for bed and the tv was on. I told him to turn it off before we go to bed bc i didn't want him disturbing his sleep. He told me no that he doesnt mind the tv. In the middle of the night i get woken up by Lee getting out of bed to turn off the tv.

The next morning I start making fun of him and say "ah huh! i thought you said that the tv didn't bother you, and you get up in the middle of the night to turn it off..." and he says "i only turned it off because you were tossing and turning and i thought it was keeping you up."
---------------------------------------------

Wow my husband loves me. He always thinks of me first. He is so unselfish and thoughtful, and i cannot believe that God could bless me this much..

Gosh i am soooo incredibly busy

its like there are too many things that need to be done in just one day. i always seem to have a deadline. A today is the day deadline. Maybe thats bc i am a horrible procrastinator and when i finally get around to doing what i have to do, it needs to be done RIGHT NOW! Its so crazy, and not even thinking about the fact that i'm still working. And by still working i have even less hours to do what i need to do. Like for example yesterday was my day off. This is what i did:

8AM- doctors appointment
drove home and remembered that i forgot to request a medical letter to send to TOPS so that i can maintain my scholarship even though i'm sitting out a semester on maternity leave.
8:45AM- drove back to the doctor's office/ got my letter
drove home and my mom calls me to go pick up a receipt at statefarm

I leave and go to statefarm/ pick up receipt.

From there i go to get my oil changed. Then to get a new toll tag [mine was 2 months overdue]. after waiting for 20 mins I realize that the toll tag place only takes cash . Go to the bank; get cash; go back and get my toll tag. Then i drive to Holy Cross and handle my registration and refund check and get my official transcript. Drive home fill out my exemption application and personal letter to TOP; take a shower; got dressed and picked up my cousin to eat lunch; an hour later i'm dropping her off and then i'm off to the postoffice where i get stamps for my babyshower thank you cards and a money order so that i can get a certified copy of my marriage license. I mail everything off, and now i'm driving to Baton Rouge. I arrive and go to the mall to get shorts for tailgaiting today, then i go to walmart to buy some necessities, wait for lee to get his hair cut, and FINALLY by around 6:30 i'm able to sit down and relax on the couch.

And today [saturday] is going to be another full of activities day, but at least today it isnt errands. its tailgaiting and driving home and exchanging babyshower presents at babiesrus. Its going to be good

More Pictures on the Infamous Pic Page

If you would like to see more pictures of the baby shower, and pictures of Lola, Tito, Sissy, CLICK HERE!

pictures of my baby shower

Old Post that I forgot to post. this happened a little less than a week ago

Lola had a severe seizure at 1:30 am. She convulsed so terribly that she was hopping all over the bed while releasing her bladder. she was about to convulse off the bed when i caught her and she continued to have her seizure. She pulled her nail and now is bleeding from her foot. My doctors have not diagnosed lola with anything. She is not on any meds. I'm debating taking her to the emergency b/c I alreadyknow that they cannot help her, but maybe they can provide me with a prescription.I'm exhausted. I need to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I just can't right now. What should/could I do?

In memory of Oleg

Hail Mary full of grace
The Lord is with thee
blessed are thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary
Mother of God
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death.

Amen

Best Saturday In a Long Time

Lee and I woke up early because as most of you know today is LSU's first game at home against ULL. So I went to the grocery, bought a shit load of snack food for the tailgait, came home, picked up Lee, and we were off.

The game didn't start till 7 so at 11am it was still early enough to find decent parking.

The ONLY down side was that it was INCREDIBLY hot... I mean unbearable at times. and considering i'm almost 34 weeks preggers. It was double hot for me. Lee got a sunburn on his face and neck, but i stayed in the shade and socialized most of the time.

Around 5:30 i was ready to go. soooooooo we started the much longer way back to the car. By this time it is very very crowded. There are tail gaits all around us, people walking, cars parked in the median in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. it was startling. Lee's thinking that we are probably blocked in because cars park 2 to 3 deep on the side of the road. So that's when i start to pray and God granted me the miracle of allowing us to 1. not get blocked in, and 2. exactly before my car was the last truck that parked in the median. So that allowed me to just cross the road and head back towards home as opposed to being stuck in 3 hour traffic, where the cops are blocking off and detouring all the cars away from the stadium. It was truly an act of God. I've included a diagram with my wonderful paint skills to illustrate our predicament.



Anyways: when we got home we just stayed in the car air conditioning for an extra ten minutes before we decided to go in. Once we got up though... I convinced lee to take me down to the pool.

I really do have the best husband in the world. When we got in the water he held me and told me to relax and i just floated on my back while he walked me around the pool. It was so wonderful. I'm not even that relaxed when i'm sleeping at night, so my body just loved it. And Lee really was there just for me. he held me and let me float and we left when I was ready. He is so beautiful.

Well anyways we came home, took showers, and decided to not go over to our friend's house and watch the game. LOL we already know it is going to be total domination. Instead my beautiful Lee is sleeping and I'm just thinking about how much he loves me and writing this post.

My new Home

ok so i cant remember if i've posted about the assholes that we are buying the new house from but You cant imagine a more incooperative ugly group of people.

They didnt negotiate on the asking price, They didnt put up any closing costs. They didn't fix anything that was wrong with the house after the inspection. The inspector couldnt look at the attic well because they still had all of their personal belongings in there. We ask them to please remove them so we could have a thorough inspection of the attic they said NO. we were supposed to have closed on the 31st of august, they decide they arent going to move out until the 18th of september.

They've dicked us around the entire time, and then to add insult to injury they have the audacity to want to make a deal.... They want to pay us rent until the 31st of september. THE BABY IS DUE OCTOBER 12th. What if the baby comes early? i'll have a week or so to get moved in to the house. It takes longer than that to get a home situated. So let me tell you this: Lee Henry said NO DICE!

Its funny. Now that they need us to be a little understanding and cooperative, we arent willing to do so. What comes around. Maybe if they had been a little nicer... a little more pliable. We would be more consenting. But when you act like an asshole to a young couple that is expecting their first kid, trying to buy their first house: PLEASE DONT ASK FOR FAVORS!. you do not deserve it.

My baby shower

was this sunday! and it was AMAZING. there were so many people there. I got soooo many baby presents. It was incredible. I got everything on my registry and DOUBLE of the most expensive items on there. I got two travel systems, two bedding sets, 3 carriers... the play pin, car seats, clothes, monitor, pump, i mean i cant even name it all. I didnt have any friends there. Just family but what an amazing family i have! there were about 50 people at my baby shower. The cake was amazing, the food was great! the people were happy and generous. I felt very special and loved. It was wonderful!

Not liking something that someone does

does NOT equal

Not liking that individual.

** i can love someone and hate everything they do

To Bryann the Beautiful

I know you were supposed to have come in town sometime in August, but i have yet to hear from you booger. not nice.

My baby shower

I'm having my baby shower this sunday coming up [not today] thats in ONE week. I'm feeling kind of nervous because this is a testament of MY family and how important they think i am by showing up. My mother has gotten a lot of RSVP's but i always worry that no one is going to show up. Its the same reason i've never thrown myself a birthday party or anything, because the embarrassment of noone showing up is extreme for me.

So this baby shower is very important to me. mainly because i dont really think that Lee's family is very enamoured with me. They always communicate how lucky I am for having Lee [and its definitely true] but i dont think they feel that Lee is lucky for having me. get it? My family is very different. they show lee a lot of love and support but when it comes to lee's family i dont think that they feel that lee found himself a smart hardworking woman. Its me that should be counting my blessings. I dont believe they see the positive changes Lee has made since he's been with me, and that makes me feel .... bad/sad/angry/dissappointed. I dont know.
So if this baby shower goes well and everyone that says they are coming shows up... Then maybe this will show that I am a person that many people love and think that i'm a pretty awesome person. It will show the hard work that all of my family put in to making me feel special.

Maybe Lee does have himself a good wife.

I took a small leave of absense for a minute

I havent really been blogging much lately. Not that i have been super busy or anything its just that i kind of ran out of things to say. but i feel inspiration is coming along. I hope.

Happy today

What a good day. I have a good life. It was payday and i didnt know it. Always a nice surprise. I got treated to lunch. I had strawberries for a breakfast snack. I got work done, but at my pace. Our other legal assistant didnt make it in today so we werent stepping on each other's toes all day. I am happy. Thank you Lord for all your blessings.

Too many to love

When i'm in baton rouge i miss everyone at home.

When i'm on the west bank i miss lee in baton rouge

BUT SOON THATS ALL GOING TO CHANGE:

We close at the end of this month. Its all official: its all inevitable. I'm going to move.

So goodbye home of 21 years. Hello reality slap in the face. I think i'm really going to start feeling the truth now. I'm pregnant, married, and on my own. Its strange. It'll be good.

I saw Lee for the first time in over a week yesterday. I dont work on mondays and fridays anymore. So i took opportunitiy to drive up and visit him yesterday. It was wonderful. I really missed him, but he had been at a bachelor party in florida all weekend so he was extremely tired. Nonetheless we had a good time. We ordered pizza and watched tv. it was nice. anyways here are a few highlights from last night:

"whats that smell?"---Jillien

"You don't have to give me a massage, just rub my back a little cuz it hurts"---Lee

"We don't have nicknames for each other just nicknames for each other's parts" ---Lee

Spaceball moment

So now you know, Lonestar, Evil will always prevail over good because good is dumb. -Dark Helmet

At last we meet for the first time for the last time!

My grade worries

during any other normal semester i stress out towards the end but i usually pull it off. I'm a procrastinator, but one that works best under extreme pressure. I guess All procrastinators do, but i'm exceptional lol!

anyways This semester has been the most challenging. Not because of the courses i was taking, but because of everything that i've had to deal with emotionally i think.

The baby, The house, Lola, the high-risk pregnancy thing... School work, homework, papers, tests... A husband, money issues blah blah blah the list just goes on and on.

This semester i only took 15 hours, and so far i have 4 out of 5 A's BUT my grade for British Literature is still not in and the scary part about it is that my grade relies on this research paper that was almost impossible for me to complete. Of course i waited till the last minute [the day before it was due] but i had till 10PM on sunday to turn it in and i started on it at 4PM on saturday. I worked from 4 to 1Am, then i woke up 7:30 sunday morning and worked on the paper from 8AM till about 2:30PM... Thats a lot of time to put into a paper, in my opinion. It has NEVER EVER taken me so long to finish a paper. I've never struggled this hard.

And this is the paper that my grade is going to rely on. So i'm almost 100% certain i will NOT get an A. and i'm super duper dissappointed.

I just think that my brain is burnt out. I've been in school non-stop since January. [we got a 10 day break in between these two semesters] and with all of my other worries, my brain cannot function anymore.

Pray that a miracle occurs and i pull off an A. It would make me so incredibly excited. Especially because the baby comes at the beginning of next semester and i KNOW that it will be very challenging to have a baby and go to school and pull off a 4.0. so i want to get my gpa as high as it can be to cushion the blow of next semesters grades lol.

My house is a zoo

We have the itty bittiest house on the planet and now we have Lola, Tito and Sissy not to forget me my mom and my dad living in it. Its so crazy now because you can't leave tito with lola or sisy b/c he's scared of them, Sissy can't be with lola or tito when she's eating because she attacks them if they get too close. Lola just wanders around and doesnt want anyone to touch her [she's a cat and she growls] Tito can't eat his treats because Lola immediately eats them all. and Lola sits in her litter box, sticks her ass over the side, and shits on the ground. on and on and on where to end?

Its a mad house.

have you ever

done something extremely terrible to another, but not intentionally? Kind of like an act of negligence or an accident. Well i did. recently. And i still can't get it out of my mind. I dont know how to forgive myself. I never ever meant for what happened to happen, but now that it has what do i do about it? how does it go away?

I'm awake!!

So so sad. I'm up at 7 in the morning [tending to lola] and so i decide to get online and check my myspace.

I see that Lee is online but Lee doesnt wake up till bout 8 so i think he must have just left his account up on his laptop.

Nope; us big losers are on myspace super EARLY in the morning.

It makes you wonder if myspace is even that interesting. I'm starting to just get over it. I used to LOVE it but now... maybe i need more friends. Yeh thats it. The only exciting part about myspace is accepting friends.

remember that new emotion i was talking about the other day?

Well i'm in it. Our home is in the process of being bought. Of course it isnt over till its over, but i feel like its as good as ours at this point. Lee has done so much research, asked so many questions, investigated every aspect of this deal. I've never met someone with such motivation and dedication.

My mother has helped us out sooo much financially. She has really helped us afford things. And lee's father has now offered to help us and its getting better and easier and greater as time progresses.

We got Lola's test results today and turns out she doesnt have Toxoplasmosis. So now all we have to wait for are my test results to confirm the same and we will be the happiest people in the WORLD.

Things are really coming together. Thank you Lord for your infinite blessings.

Lola is a pain in the ass

Lola doesnt bite or scratch but she meows very LOUDLY and sometimes you dont even know why. does she want attention?? no thats not it. is she hungry??? no thats not it. does she want to be left alone? ding ding ding.

and its that constant guessing game with her. good thing she's adorable and beautiful and everything else.

I'm a broken record

I havent been posting much. Its not that nothing is going on. SUCH AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT going on right now. but its too much to type. I can only imagine how tired everyone is reading about how stressed, depressed, anxious, insane i'm becoming.

Once i get into a new emotion. a refreshing one i'm sure i'll start typing again.

Hopefully a new house

They've accepted our contract on a new townhouse. cross your fingers!!!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

and i'm a really loved person. I see that today.

Everyone is trying hard to make me happy, and they are calling and they are leaving me myspace messages, and tonight Lee is going \to take me to the casino, and my parents gave me money to go shopping for pretty clothes, and I feel so special.

Lance Bass from N'Sync is gay...

Can you believe that he was my favorite of the group!!? I would chose the gay one to fantasize over. Thats hilarious! [Not that he's gay cuz i dont give a damn if anyone is gay or straight] whats hilarious is that he was the nerdy one. NO ONE liked him. but ME. i liked him and now he's gay.

funny funny

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,19598,00.html

So i had my performance today

And it turned out so much better than i thought it would. For some reason i work really well under pressure, and when i'm least prepared.

Go me for being the Queen of Successful Procrastination

I turn 21 TOMORROW

and i still dont know how to feel. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to be in cancun drinking and dancing. Instead i have a doctor's appointment at 9 am to test me for pregnancy diabetes.


When am i going to get happy? I don't even feel excitement on my 21st birthday. Before all this i had so many friends and acquaintances and enough people in my lfe to make this great. Now, i've lost touch with EVERYONE and i feel like i'm alone.

Its funny bc i wanted to go on a trip with Lee to the beach for my birthday, I had 1000 dollars to spend. And we felt like it would be best to save the money instead.

So next weekend Lee is going on a trip to Florida with his friends for a bachelor party, and I'm going to be alone with no memories to hold on to.

Things just feel so messed up. I'm waiting for a glimmer of happiness and hope. I'm ready to feel happy.

I know the baby will make me happy. One day soon, I'll be happy.

Definitely a BETTER day!!!

Lola is not dying-- YAY! she doesnt have AIDS or Leukimia or however you spell it.

She must have something else. Something treatable like epilepsy, and Lee and I are going to have to invest in one of these innovative Kitten Helmets to protect her if she falls off the bed again or worse.

I perform tomorrow

and i'm not prepared one bit. I barely know my song or the tempo or the notes or the anything and i have to just go infront of a large group of people and sing it. I dont think i can do it. It's very scary for me now. I did it a lot in high school but since then i've only performed a handful of times and i'm starting to get freaked out.

Wish me luck!

I turn 21 on THURSDAY

and i am more sad than anything. I don't think anyone will remember or care. I won't be able to go out dancing or drinking or anything like that. I wont go gambling money that i dont have. Basically my 21 first birthday is going to be my worst birthday.

But to look on the bright side. I have Lee on my birthday, and i have Lola and Tito, and Sissy on my birthday. I have my family and my mommy and daddy and i guess thats all i need.

My worries are consuming me

What am i going to do?
someone please answer me.

Lee and i are STILL looking for a house. STILL have not found a place to live. STILL trying to figure out how much we are willing and able to pay and afford.

I'm STILL in school. STILL behind in my reading. STILL behind on my assignments. why?

Lee and I are STILL struggling with Lola. Lola is STILL sick. She is costing us SOOO much money that we don't have, but we don't have the heart to to leave her or give her away. we just can't. But i have this horrible feeling that it isnt the smartest decision i've ever made to care for a sick stray kitten. Am i being a horrible mother? Could this have negative consequences on the baby? I'm STILL freaking out. I can't leave Lola and yet I live in constant worry that i'm endangering the baby. When should i make the executive decision and choose?

What am I to do? Did God send me Lola to care for her bc he knows that i will always love her unconditionally? Did God keep Lee and I looking for a home so that we can live in our perfect dream home yet to be found? Or am i being cursed or punished or something??? Will Lola bring illness to the baby? I pray that she doesn't. Will Lola die? Is she that sick? [i will be devastated] Will Lee and I struggle to make payments or struggle in a flood zone or in a bad area that we didnt know about?

When would God step in? Will he just let things be? and let me keep suffering?

Being away from the one you love

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDING MOURNING. by John Donne

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.


Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

crying all day

wow i'm a stressed out little woman.

Horrible Day

Lola is sick. Lee missed work because he had to call the emergency and talk to vets all night and day and he had to clean his room, bathroom, and downstairs bc the baby made messes[if you catch my drift]. Lee is a truly patient loving man. I dont know many people that would have been able to do that. I feel so terrible. I feel so responsible. I feel like i should have lola with me and i should be giving her love. I have unconditional love for that little kitten, but its Lee that has to deal with her b/c they are in baton rouge and i'm down here. Lee's the one that hasnt gotten any sleep for 2 days. He ate ONCE today at that was at 5PM.

i didnt want this for my husband. I just thought that he would be blessed with a beautiful little girl. But instead lee's miserable. He loves lola and he is doing all he can to keep her happy and healthy, but there is only so much he can do. and if she starts getting sick again [having seizures] he wont be able to take off of work AGAIN to take care of everything. I'm so nervous for him. I'm so scared for lola... If he keeps her in the bathroom and something happens again. what will we do? what will happen to lola next?

There are just so many things going through my head; doesnt help that i had to go to the doctor today to have blood work done, and depending on the results i might have to have an amniocentisis.

Lord, Please help me and my husband and our baby... and of course Lord, please help Lola.

Her name was Lola she was a show girl...

Not in this case: my lola is a 6 month old stray kitten that i found night before last meowing outside my house. She meowed all night, and then the next morning, she jumped through the window and chilled in my house. [ I felt eternally sorry for her, and after class that day, i got my friend alan to put her in Tito's kennel and off we went to the spca. She got her shots and her nails clipped, and we were on our way. [to baton rouge that is] and now Lee is in love with his 'baby'

She's the complete opposite of Tito. where tito doesnt like to be held, Lola loves it. Tito rarely meows and even more seldomly does he purr. Lola doesnt even need to be pet to purr, and loudly. very loudly [ my mom said that lola could have been an opera singer]

Nonetheless, she gorgeous and adorable and irresistable. Lee loves her and wants her and that is his baby girl.

Move over Jillien, Lola has arrived. [i dont mind, i love her too]

The ugliest i've ever been...

I'm not beautiful anymore.
I'm not sexy anymore.
I'm not fun.
I'm not exciting.
I'm not anything.
I'm just deteriorating and looking at myself in the mirror and i'm not attractive one bit.

I feel sorry for lee. I feel sorry for myself.

There is sooo much to do and so little time. Today i have to go to baton rouge to look at houses BUT at the same time i have to pay this lady here in kenner, and she doesnt open till later and i have to buy and send a thank you card so that it reaches the person tomorrow. I really dont htink i'm going to be able to spend the night in baton rouge tonight, but will i be in the mood to drive ALL the way back? i really doubt it.

What should i do? This little old lady gave me a snowball and an icecream bc i didnt have any cash and i PROMISED i would come by today and pay. i really can't go back on my word; she was so generous. And my aunt traci got me a marriage present and some diapers and i have yet sent her a thank you card. That needs to be done now! So where do i go from here?>

Stressful week so far

absolutely no time to type but i'll squeeze out some updates.

I finally registered for the baby and babies r us. I have to do some tweeking this weekend. My mother is throwing me the baby shower in august. Lee made an appointment with a realtor to see houses this weekend. We got our preapproval from the bank. I have a million assignments to do that i left to the last minute! and i got to go!

A year has come and gone

and i never took notice. I've been blogging since June of last year and now its july of 2006 and its soooooooo hard to believe. This blog has been through my engagment with a marine, hurricane katrina, meeting lee, getting pregnant, getting married, and i just keep typing. There have been some that have read since day one. Can you believe how much has changed?

I went from partying CONSTANTLY and just living for No. 1 to staying at home 24/7 and living day by day just trying to get by. I look back in February/ March of this year [when i found out i was preggers] and I barely posted and I was really depressed. I look at the first blogs back in june of 2005 and i was so goofey and young.

Its only been one year, but my whole youth is in this year. Its the only thing that I have of what my daily life was like before all this happened. Its very special.

I'm a lucky girl

whoa! Last night i'm shitting a brick thinking that i have a sociology test first thing in the morning and a research paper due in advanced grammar and a lesson that i had to teach in parallelism due in less than a day. And i'm sure you are telling yourself "Jillien, I'm sure that you have been preparing for these assignments." Well my good friends if you know me at all you know that it was 8 PM last night and i still hadnt done a damn thing. No paper [not even a topic for the paper, i swear!], No studying, No lesson. Nothing! so here i go, cram jillien cram time! and i start studying \for the supposed test i had in sociology. I figured since it comes earliest i should prepare for that one. Maybe later that day i'll be able to do my lesson and research paper. So i study until 11 PM and my eyes wont stay open at all. I turn over and look at lee. we are both half asleep and i tell him i think i might write my paper on grammar lol. and i fall asleep

This morning i went to school and discovered there is no test in sociology. and in fact the next test that we will be taking is the final, AND I'm exempt bc i have an A in the course!!! WHAT! who gets that lucky?!? so that struggle is done NOW for the lesson and research paper. Parallelism type type type... Paper bullshit bullshit bullshit.

4:30-2 hours after i had begun- and i've finished both. Take it its not the best paper i've ever written in my life but its pretty damn good. My lesson is also surprisingly suffecient. I have definitions and examples and exercises and I've finished. I'm home free! UNBELIEVABLE. I read the paper over and i see sooo many things i would like to revise but no time left, gotta go.

I go to class, i do my lesson, and when it comes time to turn in my paper and she says as long as you get it in before wednesday, i wont count it late, in case you didnt bring it today or you wanted to fix something. WHAT WHAT WHAT! how do i get so many breaks in one day?! All I can say is that I'm blessed by God, and I'm so incredibly grateful for his constant mercy and blessings. He must really love me, and he knows that i need just a little extra help right now. God is good.

Those people in your life

Do you ever just sit down and think about past people or a past someone in your life that walked in and out and make such a difference that you still think about them to this day? That person that taught you a little bit more about yourself, or maybe the things you don't like in other individuals and you promise yourself you'll never allow someone to be like that to you again?

Then there are those others that spent so much time in your life and yet didnt make a lick of difference. What were they doing there? [i have several of those]

But finally there are what i like to call "true friends". These people didnt really mold your personality or your character... They really didnt influence much at all, but they were there. They were there and accepting of all your transitions. They were there and caring when you messed up and just needed someone. These true friends sit back and trust you enough to live your own life and have fun with you while you're living it. They have their lives and your have yours and yet every now and again you got to remember to talk to them because those are the ones you never want to let go. [i only have a few of those, but the ones i do have i really do treasure even though it might not seem like it]

early as hell

wow today was a whopper!

I woke up at 6 in the morning to be able to get to work on time from baton rouge [i work in mid city new orleans] so i'm up super early, and i guess because its summer there was barely any traffic and i made it to work a half an hour early. and work today was KILLER and STRESSFUL. i just dont know what to do sometimes.

I truly am tired of working. I'm 20 years old and i'm tired of working. Maybe its my occupation. Maybe its that i hate what i do. but i just DO NOT feel like going there. I get soooo depressed on a sunday thinking that i have work on wednesday. thats how extreme it is.

But i need the extra bit of cash right now. Lee and I really use the help that my small income makes. Its just a little too close to due date to quit and go somewhere else. I really just want to stay home all day and eat and sleep and do homework [well kind of].

I wish that Lee and I were in a better financial position. so that i wouldnt have to work right now. But Lee is so amazing and its not like he doesnt make a good living. Its just that right now we are trying to put our lives together AND get ready for the baby and all of the money we could have enjoyed, we are not enjoying as much.

Happy 4th of July!

i dont even know when the fireworks go off for the fourth... is it at midnight like new years? or is it on july fourth night? no clue.

Well if it was at midnight i missed all the fireworks bc my happy butt was asleep... I hope everyone was safe and still has all of her/his fingers!

Just when you think its going good

You hit rock bottom and you realize that what you thought was a blue sky was really just blue stones. and now your head hurts and your crying and you have dirt up your pants.

:(

question?

If you and your friend had decided to go pick someone up from the bus station at 3 and it was getting really close to 3 and your friend still hadnt gotten there so that you can go together...

Would you go pick up the person by yourself? or

Would you wait, for your friend, [but be pissed about it] and pick up the person super late but together?

I would do the former. Thats just me.

I used to be a puncher

Everytime i would get furious or seriously angry i would just have to hit something or yell at someone or something not nice. Its terrible but it was the only way i could let all of my anger out. Since i met lee i havent. [i've never really had the need] I get angry and then i'm able to let it go, but these past two days have been a challenge for me. I've gotten extraordinarily angry and just had to grit my teeth, and sit there in total pissed off mode. I'm trying to learn to let things go, to not blurt out ugly things just because i'm angry but for some reason it seems to be the only way i can get out all of my anger.

Well right now i'm soooooooooooooooooo pissed off. and i'm just sitting in it. there were an immense amount of things that i wanted to say and i started to let them slip out but i didnt. And as i'm writing this, i'm calming down and i'm happy i didn't say half the shit i wanted to because then it would have made things worse than what they really were.

Brazil JUST NOW lost

against France. France played better and dominated the entire game, but hell... who wants france to win?!?! I'm saddened

I rarely ever post on weekends...

because thats the time that i spend with lee and we usually dont have time to stop and get on the internet. but today has been a really awesome chilled day. We've had a lot to do but for some reason a lot of time to do it. My life is happy right now.

Independence Weekend

One act one scene play
[the two characters are husband and wife, they live seperately but try hard to keep their time together meaningful. The scene is split: Wife at computer in her home; Husband at laptop in his home... The day is Tuesday June 27th; july fourth is the following tuesday]

Wife: i was thinking that maybe we could do something for July fourth weekend.

Husband: yeah that would be great; i have off monday and tuesday. why dont you look up some hotels and see if we can get anything by the beach.

Wife: Okay baby [she starts searching the internet for about 20 mins]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: Babe i dont think that we are going to be able to find anything for this weekend...

Husband: I didnt say anything about this weekend... I'm talking about July fourth weekend.

Wife: July Fourth weekend is this weekend.

Husband: Is it?

The end.

[so as you can piece together from this play. i'm not doing anything for july 4th. i'm staying home :( and being bored] ---totally sucks

Few new pics on The Infamous Pic Page

Click Here if you would like to see a few new pics of me and my family. Remember that you can always check out photos on the Infamous Pic Page, whose link is always on the left side bar at the bottom.

what a bad day guys

June 17, 2006
Lee and I are leaving Barnes & Noble and on our way home to see the US World cup game. We are on Vets blvd stopped at a light, when we feel a bump from behind. Lee gets out the car and theres this ghetto lady going crazy behind us. [he checks the cars and there is absolutely no damage] but SHE ends up calling hte cops. She tells the cops that we put our car in reverse and hit her from the front. [incredible, i've never seen anyone put his/her car in reverse in the middle lane on VETERANS MEMORIAL BLVD! before in my life] but anyways. So the police officer writes a report and put that there are conflicting stories, and that the violator could not be established...

2 days later... Statefarm contacts lee and says that the lady put in a claim and that they need to get the police report so they can establish liability

Today the 26th of June, the police report is finally available [it usually takes 10 business days]. I go to pick it up and I call state farm to tell them that i'm going to fax it to them so they can see that this lady is crazy when the IDIOT ADJUSTER tells me that they have already ACCEPTED LIABILITY! The company accepts liablity on a claim that we put our car in reverse and hit someone from the front in the middle lane on vets blvd. WITHOUT EVEN OBTAINING THE POLICE REPORT! I got upset, as you can imagine. and poor Jeremy {the adjuster} he had to bear my rant. but c'mon! what a-holes. My husbands insurance is going to go up b/c of a lady's crazy claim and statefarm's irresponsibility. Thats not fair.

So about 15 mins after i got off the phone with Jeremy, some other lady calls Lee at work and says that they are taking back liability and not paying anything until they receive the police report. WHICH THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE TO BEGIN WITH!

I'm running late to class at this point; i walk in and theres a quiz... 4 pages long in advanced grammar! we were going to be allowed to have a cheat sheet, but b/c i forgot about the quiz i didnt make one and therefore i went without. sucked


Now i'm home and every one is aggravating lol anyways i hope i wake up on a better side of the bed tomorrow.

You know who you are

I do NOT need anyone's help spreading my own news. Got that?

wanna know something interesting?!?

Lee is a programmer. He is a very talented software programmer. He knows how to make very extensive applications as well as WEBSITES. He custom designs and develops websites...And yet i do not have a website!?!? i want a website. I dont want a blogger anymore. www,stupidsometimes.com Wouldnt that be awesome? doesnt everyone feel that i should have one? I think so. The only problem will be saving all of my "old ass posts" aka archives. They may get deleted because they are saved on blogger's server. but i betcha theres a way.

Maybe its not nice putting Lee on the spot like this. Don't get upset baby :) I love you.

Thoughts of the future.

I scheduled my classes for fall semester today. I'm taking the smallest amount of hours since i've been in college. And its strange because i want to take more. i feel like i can handle more, but when i stop and think about it: the baby comes in october, i'll be living in baton rouge[i think] and i'll be commuting to school. and trying to study in between cries and trying to find time to sleep and trying to keep a household and a husband and my sanity. and read for classes and do homework and papers and wowzers. how am i going to do it with a baby? i think i might be in over my head. I dont think that my gpa will be able to hold up. Should i just give up on graduating summa cum laude? i think so. at this point it seems like an unattainable goal. Maybe i would feel a relief of pressure if i just allowed myself some b's.

But once you start feeling okay about b's then C's become acceptable and then what?!? all of my hardwork just goes down the tube.

so i'm practicing the piano

in the only classroom with a piano in it in the whole school. when two people walk in and set up their books. I turn and ask them if they had class in there and they were like " no we're just going to have a study session" WHAT?!?!!?! you had to pick THIS room of ALLLL the empty rooms in the entire college to have a study group in. I'm already self conscious of my piano playing nonetheless having an audience. When you see someone is already occupying a classroom go into ANOTHER one. there are several to choose from. what is that?!

so i'm sitting there barely hitting the keys all embarrassed of playing, when i decide to pack my things. they win. I left.

You know who needs to come to NOLA soon...

Bryan the beautiful. What is up with him staying away trying to make money all the time. tisk tisk tisk. Doesn't he know that visiting me enriches the soul?

World cup

Since the only team i'm really rooting for in the cup is USA and they dont seem to be doing too well. I'm starting to develop loser remorse for those that are getting KILLED. right now ecuador is playing germany and its embarrassing how much germany is CONQUERING them. :( Togo got killed yesterday by swizterland. I feel horrible for them and their countries.

I mean this is the ONLY sport that the WORLD tunes in to see with passion. Its not the olympics which is 10e918-43 different events. This is just country vs country in the most popular sport in the world! thats incredible. I know here in the states its not as popular; probably explains why we dont do extremely well, but we are getting better i suppose. O well, gotta get back to the game [3-0 Germany]

Drop

wow this semester is getting a little over loaded. or maybe i'm just falling way behind, but i haven't done anything for piano. It's getting harder and harder to find time to practice. I think I should drop. but I'm sure that doesn't look too good on my transcripts, but at least its better than getting a less than an "A". My choices are to receive a W or a "B"or even worse a "C". I really don't know what to do. If I drop I'll only have 12 hours this semester, and I probably won't be able to graduate on time unless I take 28 hours in may. and that's ridiculous.

I'm confused. Maybe I should just start practicing and working harder. BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. I'm so lazy.

APPENDAGE:[3:35PM] I just got back from piano class and the teacher thnks i'm advanced and feels i should have no problem getting an A.. how crazy is that!?!? makes no sense. how could the teacher and me have such different views on how the class is going? well maybe i should reconsider the drop.

How adorable is this?

The baby is only 22 weeks and he's already doing summersaults... Look his little legs are on top of his head (bottom left) and his ass is sticking up [right]. You can see his little spine, and his leg bones. cute cute!

Great weekend

This was a really awesome weekend. We found the condo that we love and HOPEFULLY will be able to get. We hung out at the pool and played volleyball. Played some hardcore family feud. Watched movies. Studied and everything else. It was great.

Family feud

Name a specific drink that has bubbles.

Amy: MILK!

Milk has bubbles?

Amy: When you blow in it.

She's adorable.

Ode to the signature people in my life:

My mother loves me more than anyone on this planet could love another individual. It is so true what people say "nobody will love you like your mother" Sometimes she crazy but its only because she's crazy for me. I'm honestly the reason my mom breathes and lives, and every decision she has ever made was for the best for me.

My father adores me, and though he usually is quiet and reserved, everyone knows who his little girl is. I'm his favorite [at least i like to think so] My father has always been the person that set me and my mom's over-the top-tempers straight. he's so chill and not the biggest cuddler but he's loving.

My husband is gorgeous, and he loves me more every single day. He works hard so that he can provide me and the baby with a life that we can be proud of. He never thinks of himself first. NEVER. its always about me or the baby and then he comes last. He sacrifices and settles, and i cant appreciate him more.

I'm So Ronery

I am a person with very few friends. a lot of acquaintances but There aren’t many people who know me. I’m not the first person to kiss your ass so that you will like me or accept me into your group. I couldn’t care less if I were in ANY group. And if I begin to feel like I’m getting tested to be accepted; the least likely I am to want to participate. Dont get me wrong, I'm extremely friendly and usually people take well to me. but at the same time I don’t make a great effort to call you or to go out and see you.

the horrible fact about it is that I am that way towards my friends as well. I’m the hardest person to stay in touch with.

It’s crazy because I was always just an involved person. I went out like 4 to 5 times a weeks and before I had a moment to think I had a thousand people blowing up my cell phone. I went from being the center of the party to hearing what everyone else did this weekend. I feel so incredibly out the loop. And I really think that the main reason for that has been my relationship with Lee. But please don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t give up a second that I spend with lee to go out with my friends. I do choose him first, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my friends, that I don’t want to see my friends.

I think that in almost every relationship, one person gives up more than the other. Either he is always hanging out with her friends or she is always with his friends. AND IF YOU ARE SUPER LUCKY. Ya’ll have the same group of friends to begin with and nothing changes. Well good for you, your fortunate few. But I think that in my relationship with Lee, I have been with his friends. And they are wonderful and funny and accepting, but they are Lee’s friends not MY friends. And at times that makes me feel lonely.

even better news

the guy that owns the h ouse called me today and said he changed his mind and he no longer wants to sell the house. so we completely lost the buy. I'm really upset you guys

My high expectations

ok so i thought i found the PERFECT home. Its a condo in Baton rouge, and i fell in love. I set up an appointment to see the house, and when i got home i checked the webpage of the house again, just to get a look, and THEY RAISED THE PRICE! How can they do that? They had it advertized for a certain price when i made the appt. and then all of a sudden its thousands more!!!!

i'm so upset, and disappointed, and confused on what to do now.

*it really is just my luck*

Hilarious

"And when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-poorest borders. Now I know you’re all going to say, “Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America.” Yes, but here’s the thing—it’s built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it’s a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spansih, the next thing you know, they’ll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.

So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That’s the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we’ll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we’re at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we’ll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It’s time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls. Yes, yes, I agree with me."

--Stephen Colbert--

Its funny but in a way it reminds me of Swift's "A Modest Proposal" where he tries to solve the problem of poverty and an influx of starving children by coming up with the most outragous solutions [like feeding all of the unwanted children to wealthy land owners] as a way of showing us how ridiculous we are. To show us how far we take everything. That sometimes man kind doesn't think everything through. Now i'm not going to say that Stephen Colbert was thinking this intellectually when he wrote this speech, but it still conveys the same type of message.


*quote from another blogger; http://jimparsons.blogspot.com/*

Slightly over stressed

oh man everything is happening this week. its remarkable!

i had a test today, a reading + assignment due tomorrow, a grammar test due wednesday morning, a british lit paper due thursday, a potential house on thursday night in BR, and in between i have to go to work.

I'm a little over assigned, but i'm too lazy to get anything done. i just want to sit and eat.

so i'm a married woman

i got married last night, quickly. to the best man that God has ever created; next to my daddy.

Ever feel like life is moving so fast that theres nothing to remember it by? The days and events just come and go and before long you're lying in bed, looking around and thinking how did this happen? When did i get here?

I'm happy but i'm scared that my life is just passing me by without me doing anything about it.

What is so memorable?

I have beautiful people in my life that adore me and support me, and i'm blessed. I'm thankful and I'm proud to have that type of support team. But at the same time; i always felt that i was meant to do something that i could remember, that someone would remember. And now it just seems like i'm turning into a statistic.

Housing search

trying to find and buy a house is like trying to kiss a racoon. You know its going to be a little hard but not incredibly impossible, but it turns out to be a living hell and you ended up with stiches on your lips. and i'm goin to have stiches in my butt when they stick it to me with the mortgage and the realtor.

Every aspect of it sucks. You're constantly double guessing yourself and you always wait out to see if anything better comes but it only gets worse and you feel you missed out.

At this point i feel like i've been searching FOREVER and i'm never going to find anything, and if i do find something its going to be a 150,000 dollar 2 story dorito bag under the expressway!

I'm getting desperate.

late night tv = crack: Questions of Life

What is it about late night television that makes your eyes battle your sleepy mind? why are late night infomercials about tiny blenders soooo alluring that one cannot keep his/her eyes off the screen? QVC always has the ugliest clothes ever so why must i watch till 4 in the morning? Is cheaters really that awesome of a show that I risk getting purple bags under my eyes to watch every last moment...

Elimidate
cheesy bad sitcoms that dont ever show during the day

Its like the temptation of evil: The devil calls to us through late night tv. or maybe not;
One of these days i'm going to do a study and discover that late night tv leads to damnation or cancer... we'll see.

Ready for the big Surprise?!

So i havent spoken to anyone in a long time. I havent gone out in a really long time. I feel totally out of the social loop, and so i'm pretty sure that anything i say will be a huge surprise to everyone. Well DUM DUM DUM!

I'm getting married on Friday. Can you believe it? I' m going to be someone's wife. Its really scary. I mean think about it. How do you do it? I'm about to find out. so ask me in a year or two; if you ever want to know.

I mean marriage is FOREVER and ever and ever. It seems so unnatural because human nature is sooo temporary. Life, sleep, hunger, cold, hot, temptations, urges, cravings, etc. Nothing in human nature is FOREVER, but i have a feeling that my love and my marriage will be forever. because i am a strong person. and i'm in it for the long haul. I'm a fighter, and personally feel that i work hard to try to keep relationships together [from past experience] so anyways. wish me luck, and love me, and think about me. Its gunna be hard.

Tito moment

Remember you can always see pics of me and my peeps on the INFAMOUS PIC PAGE just click here

Skip to my lou

What if i had become a famous rapper guys? Yes, me, the whitest latin girl this side of the mississippi...

would you buy my album? would you dress like me if i were famous?> i mean think about it, all those people that are famous now were once just nobodies with some friends and a lot more critics.

I'm going to be famous one day, you wait and see. Either you see me on E! promoting my newest musical OR you'll see me on A&E my mug shots and my ridiculous story of sex drugs and a freak banana hamock accident.... i dunno:

too tired, must stop typing

heavy lids

I'm sooo sleepy and tired and yet i'm trying to keep myself awake... why? because i'm a toddler.

Life on the fast track

This friday is a big day... when this friday comes i'll let you know what happened, BUT its a big ole day.

You know sometimes theres just no turning back. There's no sucking the words back in your throat, or erasing that ugly look, or pulling back the punch. Once it happens its done, no making it the way it was before. Theres only tweeking it.

I sit and think sometimes if there were anything i would do differently. If i would take anything back, and there are a couple of things but its terrifying to think about because what if taking back those events causes the present to change dramatically. [i know theres a movie about this concept but i never saw it; so at this moment this is all me ] Anyways.

Ok so what's new?

I'm sitting in my living room trying to think of something worth reading, and i glance over and Tito [my kitten] is sitting looking outside at the window sill. He keeps crying because he's dying to go outside, but i'm about to leave to go to school and i dont have time to wait for hours for him to come back. [and yes i have to wait. we have a lot of tom cats around here and they arent very friendly. PLUS tito is slightly spoiled, and i like to make sure that he is safe and has food and water at all times] ANYWAYS.

The point is that my life is like this most of the time. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for class to start. I'm waiting for the cafeteria at school to open. I'm waiting all the time for something to happen. Is that normal? I never wanted to be normal. I've actually always had a problem with the concept of 'normal'. so maybe i should change the word and say is that common? is everyone waiting? I mean i'm sure there are those that wake up and make stuff happen every second of every day. I want to be one of those people, i guess. [now i'm starting to sound like the little mermaid] but its true.

You know what?! i should probably not jinx myself. Soon i'm going to have toooo much on my hands, and not even have a moment to think about how one day a while back i wanted to be uncommon. I wanted to be a somebody. I'll just be an anybody, and not have any time or energy to change that.

"Theres nothing i can do to keep

from crying when he calls your name... Jolene. "

You know one of those songs that you just genuinely like. Its not famous, its very unique and simple. well Jolene by mindy smith [originally by dolly parton] is the greatest to me.

i think its such an honest song. I mean all of the songs out there now are about how i am so much better than you, and not that true raw feeling of looking at someone else and thinking 'wow you are so much better than me'



Jolene [lyrics by dolly parton]

[refrain]Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him just because you can

Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, jolene

He talks about you in his sleep
Theres nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you dont know what he means to me,
[refrain]

you could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
Hes the only one for me, jolene
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do,

joleneJolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please dont take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please dont take him even though you can

Ok so lets refer back to...

the post from yesterday called In Class:

Well remember how i told yall that on that 'quiz' we took only 1 person got an A 2 people got B's and everyone else failed,

Shockingly i got the A. And all of those females that i'm in class with were horribly ugly to me, and catty and i cant even explain what else. I wish the teacher would have never told the whole class. I mean if she would not have done that then no one would have ever found out. except for all of you reading of course.

We seem to have a lot of moments like these...

So Lee and I are in CVS trying to find a moisturizer to go with a facial cleanser... i show him one and he says: "No, this is for people with severly dry skin, like you baby"

LoL thanks babe :) He's too honest hehe

lazy lazy lazy

this semester i'm really trying to apply myself. I'm reading more than i ever have for my classes, and i'm highlighting and writing notes, and i really want to do well.

i think a lot of people are doubting how well i can do right now, and i'm one of those people. But i've really only had one goal in my college life and that is to graduate Summa cum laude. thats it. and if i've messed up my chances to do so even when i'm trying with all my might. i think it will be my greatest disappointment to date. This is all i want. i hope and pray that i can. and if not, i just dont know.

In class

so i'm in my advanced grammar class and its moments before our first "quiz" [MORE LIKE AN EXIT EXAM it was 5 pages long!] anyways not the point. The teacher gives us an opportunity to ask any questions we want AND to review any exercises in the book.

keep in mind: I'm an english major. Everyone else in the class is an education major. and they are ALL friends with each other because they have so many classes together. I know no one in the class SOOOOO....

the teacher is letting us go over exercises in the book and i say we go over this kind of tricky exercise towards the beginning, AND EVERYONE IN THE CLASS is like "No..." "thats so easy" "we already went over that!" and so forth. so i say "Ok nevermind! lets not go over it"

Well sweet irony: Everyone failed the quiz most especially the last two pages that had a lot to do with the exercise that i wanted to review. Now we have to take 2 more quizzes to try to bring up our grades. hmm interesting

All those retarded education majors.

The first day of class this middle aged white woman that sounded like she was born and raised and never left the westbank was trying to communicate a story in ADVANCED GRAMMAR class, and she was all like .."They was trying to fix the schedule, blah blah blah" They was? what is that? thats horrible? Now dont get me wrong. I'm probably one of those people that failed the quiz too. i dont know i havent received my grade, but come on now.

Sad but Funny - another one act one scene play

[There is a split stage; the two characters cannot see each other; Stage Right: Jillien sitting in her car talking to Lee who is on Stage Left: Sitting in his cube at work. They are on the phone with one another]

Jillien: [excitedly] Lee, guess what i did today that i haven't done in a REALLY long time, that it was starting to get disgusting. I'll give you three guesses.

Lee: Uhh I dont know.. you finally shaved your legs?

Jillien: [disappointed and amused at the same time] No i washed some clothes.

The End

this is what i need

This is what i need right now
dark and silent and cold underground
and everyone can eventually forget
how sorry i was for having left.

*jillien

funny moment

Lee was trying to make fun of me the other night by making up a song...

[background info you must know to find this funny: Lee doesnt sing anything. he never even learns the words to songs. So when he drinks and finally feels like singing he just ends up mumbling really loudly because he doesnt know any words]

FAST FORWARD

So he's making up his OWN song about me and he starts mumbling through the lyrics. He doesnt even know the words to his OWN made up song. [i mean he could have said ANYTHING] HAhaha So then i came up with the idea that he should make a cd where he knows only some of the words that he's singing. I mean wouldnt that be great to have a cd where the artist doesnt even know the words to the song.
The critics would hate it
The intellectuals would find it innovative and inspiring
and the Pot Heads would think its the best thing since pizza rolls.

what a day

ever feel like the day is just so stressful sooo not good that you dont even have energy to rethink it. Its kind of just a passing ghost through an empty hallway. No headache just headnumb. i reached a peak of stress today that far passed what i ever though i could manage. then the day ended and i went home and now its over.

I wonder if life is going to stay this way. Is life ever just going to stop being so stressful and all of a sudden be incredibly exciting... and then again whats the difference? I guess excitment has a possitive connotation where you assume that it brings about happiness. I'm the wierdest depressed chick on the face of the planet i think. I mean i'm supposed to be unhappy and yet my brain wont let me reach that edge. It just numbs out and lets me enjoy the little things. Like Tito bird or swirly pudding. I'm grateful for that. My kitten boxed a rose yesterday and i found it hilarious. do depressed people laugh? i dont know... maybe i'm something different. maybe in distress.

overwhelming

ok so for a while i've been doing nothing but complain and express how incredibly unhappy i am, well this is going to be a sickening lovey dovey post. sooo turn away if you must:

My one and only happiness in life is Lee.
I cannot believe how much he loves me, why? i have no idea.
but he has stuck it out and it seems to be for the long haul. [and lord knows with me involved it isnt going to be easy.
He is soooooo forgiving and understanding that i wonder how an individual could exsist that is so close to perfect goodness.
Lee has little character faults that are more like characteristics than flaws.
He puts up with my everlasting nagging. lol

Lee finds me funny... he's always laughing and in his own little corney way Lee is really funny too and makes me laugh even though i dont let him see it all the time. He's beautiful.

I'm happy... with him i am happy. God blessed me.

I HATE TOLL BOOTH LADIES

grrrrrrrrr I went today to the 24th JDC in gretna and the costs were little more than i had expected, but i still had 3 dollars left. and i figured i've only been here for 30 mins it shouldnt be more than that WEEELLLLLL. 0-2 hours is FIVE DOLLARS. i had to make the whole line back up, pull over, walk to the nearest atm, take out 20$, walk all the way back b/c she couldnt cut me a 2 dollar break. gr

A word of advice...

For all of you who have a gf/bf AND mothers...

When you get in a fight with your significant someone, keep it between you and your gf/bf. DO NOT think that you can trust your mother with being cool enough to talk to about the fight. Mothers go crazy when they think that their mama's boys or their little girls are hurt by some bastard/bitch who isnt good enough for their baby... Chances are that when you get in a fight with your bf/gf yall will get over it in a matter of hours or minutes depending on the fight, but the damage that you do to your bf/gf's relationship with your parents is hard to turn around. Moms stay angry way after you get over it.

So the moral of the story is: If you love your wo/man, and yall have a lovers spat NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE. if in your heart you know its not the END OF ALL ENDS then do your best to work it out with your sig other. write it in a journal, but DO NOT include your mother.
word to the wise.

Piano Lessons

So i'm taking piano lessons and i'm the worst. I have noooo piano talent. The notes go ABCDEFGABCDEFG, and the prof. asked me if i'm at F what is before? and i said G. I just can't think that way. My fingers dont work well for the piano...

Its funny because i'm taking 2 = 400 level english courses amongst other classes and Piano seems like its going to be the most challenging. wish me luck

Memoirs of a Geisha

I just finished it tonight. it took me about a week. i was completely consumed with it and finishing it that by the end i was skipping whole paragraphs to get to the good parts. i know what you must be think..."Dude that book's been out for a thousand years and you're just reading it" well to relax your mind. yes i'm just reading it. I bought it even before the movie came out, so i dont have the new book with the movie cover but i just never got around to reading it until now. Lee has been doing some over time and having to work after getting home from his normal 9 to 5 so one day i brought the book along to entertain me. even then i didnt get too far, but then suddenly i went on warp speed and haven't put it down since.

actually the other day i was stuck in traffic and i took it out to glance over while i sat and waited. i know i'm the hazardous driver your mother's always warning you about.. you know that one that eats, changes the radio station, puts on makeup, and READS A BOOK while she drives... shoot me!

well to end my book review its a wonderful book. it was like the author wrote out my exact feelings for how i feel about lee. my life has taken many turns just to get me to him. thank you God, for always knowing what is best for me even though i dont see it that way at first.

School is back again

So today was my first day of school... its funny because last friday was the last day of work but they called me back and soooo DUM DUM DUUUUM! i'm going back to work lol its kind of funny but i can't seem to leave. im happy though. cuz i need the money but i also need time for myself. so maybe this is meant to be

oh when them saints

I've never been in a point in my life where nothing made me happy. I have been depressed and cried up to 4 times a day but at some point i would laugh about something or calm down.

i came across someone today that cannot find ANYTHING to make her happy. how can that be? she focuses on how meaningless life is, and how there is no point to living, but then if life had no meaning that would make living a hell of a lot more fun. i mean think about it. if you just died and nothing happened then all your sacrificing and energizing towards goodness would be a waste. If i thought life had no meaning thats when i would start focusing on me. do whatever i want. but then what if there were nothing i wanted? where would i go from there? it would be a living hell. like thirst that never goes away. I think when you have faith in something life becomes happy. Faith in Jesus, Faith in Allah, Faith in Buddah, Faith in something other than yourself, you get a purpose and a goal and tasks to fill up your day. like George Michael says "gotta have faith"

Saturday

so i went on another fishing trip on saturday. We started out a little later this time around because the morning looked like horrible weather. But it ended up being a great day. We had some trouble starting the boat, but then once we got out there and we saw the bugs and water and turtles and the ALIGATOR, it was wonderful. i think the summer is going to bring good times. hopefully the hurricane season doesnt interfere with that.

New Picture ALERT

There are pics up of my two fishing trips and some that i took of my family. Which i LOVE. Check them out. They are a little piece of me.

Infamous Pic Page Click Here

Friday

So this friday is my last day of work and i'm feeling kind of sad. At first i thought i hated my job, but then i realized it wasnt my job it was where i was working... the office i mean. it was just overly ridiculous and not productive, but since i moved to the new orleans office i've been happy. i've been able to tolerate the day, and laugh and have a good time and pass the day. I am always busy but in a good way. I'm not busy answering phones or filing like i was before. I'm busy doing what i was hired to do which is to WORK, legal work AND i love it. i'm kind of sad that it is all ending. i just got to that office. it just got good. i just started to get happy and now i have to go. but there are many reasons for that. i just wish that they werent there. I wish that life was the way it was 5 months ago. i thought i was on the right track and i was happy and everything was going good. I was moving on and moving forward and now i've hit a wall. When am i ever going to find peace?

Jury duty

not much to say except that i sat in a room for hours and then i ended up being dismissed [everyone did] by mid day and thats it. that was my whole jury duty experience. pretty cool but at the same time i was excited to see the trial and the judge and how the attorneys worked the stage.

Best Weekend Ever

ok so since i live in a predominately catholic state most businesses get off for good friday during easter holidays... other people call it spring break.. anyways i ended up having a 3 day weekend and it was wonderful!

On friday i ended up going crabbing with lee's guy friends on the lake... [i had NO idea i was going to be the only chick. i think they wanted to have a guys day out and then i tagged along but considering i had the best time ever i dont regret going lol] well i got sunburnt to a crisp and now i'm all itchy and peeling but ITS GREAT! i finally got sun and i FINALLY did something.

On saturday i ran a few errands but really i got nothing done but spend money on nothingness. i bought breakfast, snowballs, cheap sunglasses, groceries... it was ridiculous. later that night there was a party by lee's best friend's house and it was a lot of fun.

Easter sunday i spent with lee and his mother and then lee and i went and ate dinner with my cousins.

It was finally a memorable weekend. filled with fun and good times and relaxation and happiness. and i really needed.

My semester is finally over

Ok so my semester ended with a bang. I got into a fight with a professor on the DAY of my final, in which he said many horrible things to me like..."i would have made you suffer severely..." and "i dont threaten people- i get even"

which sent me crying hysterically all the way to the dean's office where i TOLD ON HIM! i cannot afford to have any professor mess up my grades because he is old and cranky. anyways i got my grades today and i'm happy to say that they are all A's but unfortunately i have to take that teacher next semester for a 400 level english course. The department head said i would be able to substitute it for another because he was just too horrible to me. wish me luck guys... i only have a week and a half then i start spring semester on the 1st of may!

I havent been blogging much

but i'm sure you know that. its just that this is finals week and considering that i'm the laziest person in the whole world. i left all of my studying and assignments till the last moment and now im struggling to get it all done. I took my first finals today: Biology and Beethoven. My music professor said that i got an A and i'm 100000000% POSITIVE that i got an A in my bio so i only have 3 more classes to try and ace. wish me luck guys!! now i'm gunna go do some more work.

Junk food junkie

i eat so much trash throughout the day that i can literally feel bootie dimples developing. its crazy, but i'm getting obsessed with looking at how fat i'm becoming but then i do NOTHING to stop it. i keep eating TRASHY NASTY food and i dont work out to save my life. this is not good.

One of my many character flaws

I always push away the people that make me the happiest. I cling to those that make me miserable. Then i get depressed because i have no happiness in my life. well i'm going to stop that today. Im not going to lose my happiness anymore.

I will be less selfish. i will try to live my life for someone elses happiness as well. maybe that'll help me get my head out of my OWN ass, and realize that there are more people involved in my life than just me.

the end of the semester is approaching and i'm so far behind i think i might get lapped and then stampeeded...

this has been my laziest semester yet. i've been so stressed out with everything else going on in my life that i didnt spend any time concentrating on doing work. or WANTING to do work. i dont want to do shit. what is wrong with me?

people dont become successfull by being lazy and sitting on their asses.

what am i going to do? and how am i supposed to go about doing it?

i got called into work today... to do important legal work? noooooo to do immigration packets? nooooo TO FILE PAPERS

to do filing... they couldnt give me the whole day off even after i called them at 2:30 and we get off at 5:30 NO they tell me to come in.

whatever

Beauty and the Beast

at immaculata... i'm working the lights. have you ever worked a light board, you ponder to yourself. and the answer to that question is NO. yesterday i spent 6 HOURS at immaculata learning the board and the script and my cues... my back was in excruciating pain. and today we had 2 shows back to back.... what did i get myself into?

but i love theatre and i'm glad to be back at my alma mater...

Today was my last day of work...

So im going in on Thursday... ok well now here are some more interesting things that only happen to me. i get told by my boss on my LAST DAY that he needs me to keep coming in because they are immensely backed up and he needs me to help, and me put on the spot agrees to continue working. What is with me and not being able to say no. i always get pressured. i always say yes. why? its like i cant look you in the face and just say 'no i rather not'

i mean i could use the money. and i guess it isnt that bad. but i was looking forward to being jobless. having days off. going to baton rouge for 5 days. having time to study and read. and catch up. i wanted that. and now i've promised myself into not having that. i'm an idiot.

So i was watching the news

the O'Reilly factor actually, and he had a discussion about St. Patrick's day and this gay female Congressman that wanted to parade with an IM GAY sign at the big ole parade in New York or some big city like that. and i thought that Bill made a great point. St. Patrick's day PARADE has nothing to do with sexuality. it has to do with celebrating a Saint. there were no heterosexuals trying to parade with signs. its just irrelevant to the day and occasion, and it got me thinking.

Anyone that knows me knows that i'm highly comfortable with all types of sexuality. it really is not a huge issue for me[anymore]. i dont consider it taboo, i dont consider it anything of huge importance to be quite honest. it all works for me. soo gay or straight take a break from it all. i understand that you want the world to know that you accept yourself. but theres is a time and a place for everything. not at a parade that is just trying to celebrate a Catholic Saint. I mean you could parade around as an Irish person. thats what its about. but who cares if you are a gay irish person or a straight irish person. show that you are proud of yourself... in just BEING yourself. dont conform, dont shy away, be strong. that makes an even greater statement

blahh

i am off today. i feel so weird. not like myself. its like i dont love anyone. i feel indifferent. i dont want to talk to anyone. i dont care about anyone today.

My Lenten Story

So like 2 weeks ago, the first friday of lent, I'm at work and the lady that i work with happens to be a Protestant and as some of you know I'm a Catholic. Okay so i make the mistake of telling her that i had no lunch today because the meal i made on thursday had been made accidentally with bacon. and since i dont eat meat on fridays during lent i couldnt bring food. so then the beating begins.... WHY? she asks me. and I repeat b/c i dont eat meat on Fridays during Lent. and she goes on saying. "Show me where it says that in the Bible.... Show me where God says dont eat meat on fridays" and i say that it is my personal sacrifice to God. and she says "you dont have to do that. that is why Jesus died. he died for your sins. he made the sacrifice" and i say "That i feel i am responsible for MY OWN sins." and she just walks away... okay well now lets evaluate this situation. Is it that awful of a sin to sacrifice eating meat on Fridays during Lent as a penance and sacrifice from your sins for the year? Am i going to go to Hell because i gave up chicken and poultry and pork and red meat for the Lord? ooooorrrr is it a GREATER sin to JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE and what they believe brings them closer to SALVATION AND THE LORD! maybe i cant show you in the bible where it says dont eat meat BUT i can show you in the bible where GOD talks about those who JUDGE OTHERS! and how he feels about that! I dont ask you about your Religion. i dont critize the fashion in which you get closer to salvation and jesus. Why do you feel it necessary to critize mine. are my sacrifices and my sacraments soooo evil? Is the fact that i go to church just like you do sooo minimal to the Church that YOU go to? are my prayers less heard because i'm a dirty Catholic? hmm lets think about it. how about instead of judging and critizing how others get closer to God you concentrate on your own salvation.

so i took a couple of days off from blogging

just so that i can readjust ya know? just so that i could rethink and reevaluate and RE anything else i can stick on there. just do all that stuff without writing it down so that i wouldnt drown myself in miserable words. i think that i'm strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. i think that God has given me all of the tools i need. its just that I DONT WANT THEM! take them back and give me my old life back... thats the ONLY thing i want. i want to go back to a time when picking out the shirt that makes me look cuter was my most stressful point of the week. my life is sooooo different now. i come and go into and out of happiness... i spend the majority of the time locked inside of my own mind. i used to spend it trying to figure out everyone else's mind. [if you are around me a lot you realize that i'm an observer well some people call it a 'stare-er' i just look at people. i want to know why they are doing what they are doing at that very moment. consequently i'm a wonderful judge of character] ANYWAYS lol [always getting off the point] I need a chill pill. i need a day of normality. i want a time machine or anything to help me forget. but then again at the same time. i have great people around me that WANT and NEED my happiness and do anything to give it to me. And dont get me wrong i'm always querky and goofey and ridiculous. its just that sometimes i think too much. and everything hits me all at once. yaknow?

every day is worse than the day before. my life is a black hole.

Po Po's In Algeries

ok so i'm going into walgreens to fill a prescription. There are two black girls walking across the parking lot. I turn to pull into a parking space. Apparently they didnt see my car, and continue walking. I step out of my car and the two girls are infront of it. One is talking shit to me but i dont really hear her so i say, "is something wrong?" She's goes,"You almost hit my sister with your car!!" and i'm like no i didnt. and she starts yelling so i start yelling too... She pins her body up against mine and the car. She's like " who are you talking to?" and i say "im talking to you" so she goes with both hands to pull my hair and i push my hand into her face. I turn around and now she has the back of my head in her hands. 2 seconds later its done BUT i'm bleeding down my face... how? i guess she scratched me while pulling my hair. anyways i'm bleeding pretty profusely down my face and chest and shirt. They walk into the store and i follow them. They turn around and the older one says "We better run they gunna call the police" some walgreens employee says "they already did" they start running and the managers start running after them and stop them by their car. We all start yelling and I'm pissed and cursing and yelling and so are they. and then the little one goes.. "she must be prejudiced or something because..." and then i go off! "how the hell am i prejudiced... what do i look like to you?" and she goes "mixed" i'm like okay....Are you stupid? how am i prejudiced and why would i want to hit you with my car? then we get separated. the police come. the emt comes. they clean me off. my mother decides not to press charges. and i leave. and i never got my prescription filled.